Showing posts with label aliens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aliens. Show all posts

Wednesday, 7 October 2020

Three laughs: Gamera vs. Guiron

 
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★


Three laughs case file #39:
Gamera vs. Guiron (Gamera tai daiakuju Giron Japan, 1969)
Director: Noriyaki Yuasa

Compared to the more famous and glamorous Godzilla, Daei Studios' space turtle Gamera was an also-ran. Still, he has plenty of fans that swear on his name. The kaiju adventures were aimed more to smaller children, and thus Gamera also has a easily sung theme song and usually Earth children to protect from pesky aliens bent on conquering the world. 

The thing that makes Gamera movies so intriguing is that even though they clearly have budgetary restrictions and are basically kids' movies, they still up the ante on gore and brutality. Sure, Gamera bleeds green blood, but it still burtsts out of him when he faces the knife-headed fiend Guiron. The film was the fifth entry into the series.

Two small boys find a flying saucer and decide to take a trip in it. They are taken to a strange planet where an alien base is being protected by the nasty giant monster Guiron. Two sexy alien ladies reveal their plan is to get information from the kids' brains in order to take over the Earth. So, it's up to Gamera (established at this point to be a friend to children and a protector of our world) to defeat Guiron and save the children.


 

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The amount of non-chalantness the main characters display here is something quite amazing by itself. Seeing a spaceship from a telescope? Wow! Finding the flying saucer out in the open? Wow! Taking off in to space? Wow! Seeing a giant turtle being propulsed by jet beams crushing asteroids from your way? Better sing the Gamera theme song. The creature effects are somehow super funny, all the monsters look to be either drunk or extremely hungover.

2. In order to establish the threat of Guiron, the filmmakers go to the obvious route: have it defeat a character that used to be a strong opponent for Gamera himself. In this case it's the pterodactyl-like Gyaos. Gyaos tries to shoot Guiron with a laser beam, but it reflects on his knife-head and shoots Gyaos's leg clean off. The fight ends with Guiron chopping Gyaos into neat purple slices.

3. The thing that's funny about the creature effects is how there are noticeable seams from guys in suit to animatronics to smaller-scale models. The final fight begins with Gamera lying unconscious on an ocean floor. What makes him wake up is a boulder dropping and hitting him in the jaw. The spinach to Popeye is getting hit to Gamera. As he rises he's also showing off his gymkata skills by spinning around and around a chinning bar. It doesn't do much good against Guiron, but at least it startles it for a bit, probably? In the end Guiron's limbs are blown off with a missile. JUSTICE FOR GYAOS!

Sunday, 1 March 2020

Three laughs: ETV - Extraterrestrial Visitors


 It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of themselves, and it is an even better pleasure to find some trash that keeps surprising you than watching most "quality" films. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.


Three laughs Case #11:
ETV - Extraterrestrial Visitors (Los nuevos extraterrestres, 1983)
Director: Juan Piquer Simón

One of my favorite trashy directors is the incredible Spanish hack Juan Piquer Simón. He started out by making an actually pretty good and creepy Exorcist rip-off Escalofrío, which opened doors for him to copy out whatever films were popular at the time and put his own twist to them. I've talked about the Dick Randall -produced slasher classic Pieces before. Coming hot off its heels is the ET-copying Extraterrestrial Visitors.

I think Simón started out by trying to do a horror version of Alien and Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind. Too bad an even bigger Spielberg film came out in the middle of the shoot and the producers demanded that Simón switch out his plans and make a family movie that cashes in on the lovable little alien, ET, and his friendship with a suburban little boy.

That's why this film is such a mishmash of two different flavours. It's pretty hilarious that the aliens are at the same time judo-chopping ALFs and magic-powered slumberland friends for every boy of a certain age. The film has two sub-plots, and the other features a group of teenagers in the woods getting killed one by one. The budget has got to be minimal, they didn't even have the dough to pay for blue lenses for night-time scenes, or sound effects to point out it's supposed to be stormy outside. Mostly there's just smog. Lots and lots of smoke.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. As an apparent meteor falls into a forest, we have three dumb-as-rocks hunters examining the wreckage. One of them finds a batch of glowing pink eggs in a cave. He proceeds to smash them with a big stick for no reason. But then he hears the soft growl of an off-sceen creature that apparently kills him. Rather than being a blood-curdling roar, the sound is more akin the Nurse Bear from BoJack Horseman waking from a nap. The weak sounds these aliens make never ceases to be hilarious to me during the movie.

2. Once we see the creatures about 40 minutes into the slow-as-glacier movie, they are basically midgets in fur suits with ridiculous dickfaced and pinheaded masks. One of them wanders to a campfire with the burly poachers, who try to capture the creature first by luring it closer with a charred rabbit's leg and then throwing a net over it and shooting it with a crossbow. It turns out that such mortal instruments have no effect on these Extraterrestrial Visitors. The hunters are done for.

3. But of course only the adult aliens are vicious. One hatches from a child's egg and turns out to be a deadeyed wannabe-ALF, and is named Trumpy by the ridiculously naive kid. To project its friendship, the alien proceeds to show off its magic powers by solving a puzzle in stop motion, making shoes dance in an astonishingly inane display and enhancing the kid's spyglass to show archive footage of African lions.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Fun in -11-12


I'm currently in the process writing my top movies of the year list. But as you may realize, putting just good films on a list after one another doesn't give out the full story of the year. We will have to wait for years to know which films will capture the zeitgeist and what not. However, it has been established that popular, big-budget films can have staying power regardless of quality. People remember when they have fun.

I realized recently, that I have very nostalgic feelings on early 2000s movies, since I saw them in my teens. So I held the first Spider-Man, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Minority Report and even a lot stupider films like Die Another Day in special accomodation since I had fun watching them in a particularly influence-heavy age. Today, there probably are future film freaks that watch these movies and have similar feelings a decade later.

I should mention that while these films are all 2012 theatrical releases in Finland, many of them premiered in 2011 in the United States. But since I didn't do this retrospective last year, it hardly matters. So here's a look at blockbusters from these past 1,5 years.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Director: Peter Jackson


So Peter Jackson has made another Middle-Earth trilogy for us to enjoy. Stretching a simple story we all already know into three movies with a lot of kid-friendly whimsy, talking and setting things up for the main event, and featuring some uncomfortable technical processes that do more harm than good. The whole thing started to feel quite a lot like Star Wars prequels before opening. But while The Hobbit wobbles a bit on the dangerous path, I ended up quite enjoying it.

Based on J.R.R. Tolkien's 1930's children's novel, The Hobbit tells the tale of Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), a simple hobbit living a lazy countryside life. But the wizard Gandalf (Sir Ian McKellen) deems him a worthy addition to join an expedition party, much to the little guy's chagrin. So Bilbo meets with 12 dwarves, led by Thorin Oakshield  (Richard Armitrage), who plan to free their conquered city of Erebor from the hostile giant dragon Smaug. Bilbo does decide to join the party and is given the duty of working as a thief, sneaking around silently, since he's so little and hard to notice.


As was expected, stretching a 300-page story into three 2,5 hour films means a lot of padding up. In this case, Jackson has decided to vow the story more tightly into the events of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. So, we have extra orc attacks and cameos from old favorites (Ian Holm narrating the story, Elijah Wood walking by, and a lengthy discussion scene with Cate Blanchett, Christopher Lee and Hugo Weaving) and a lot of mythology-building. Some new villains and threats are introduced, which will presumably become more important later on. The film's style is thus a little all over the place. But not as much as I feared.


The golden brown-colored film gives a whiff of nostalgia in many ways. The balance between deathly battles and bumbling dwarves actually reminds me of several earlier Harry Potter films. I consider The Prisoner of Azkaban and The Order of the Phoenix to be the best of that series, since they quite comfortably can blend the unnerving fear of death with some warmer, friendlier and more humoristic parts. As with Jackson, the balance isn't always the most smooth, but it works in maintaining audience interest.

As a Tolkien fan, I must also say that I might find it more enjoyable to follow endless historical discussions and mythology-creating speeches. But the film offers hefty action scenes as well. I would advise to avoid the HFR 3D version, though, since it makes the whole thing look speeded up. The overly clear contrast also reminds more an electronics store HD TV demo than a proper film.


Finally, what pushes the film to work are the performances. Freeman is a perfect Bilbo. He presents the stuck-up englishness the hobbits seen previously in Jackson's films have lacked. But there's also his dry sense of humor and perfect comic timing, which I would've liked to see more. Ian McKellen's Gandalf seems a bit odder, coming off as unbalanced, this time around. But in the grand scheme he works as a balance to the soft power weilded by his zanier, animal-loving colleague Radagast the Brown (Sylvester McCoy) and the hard power and authority of Saruman the White (Lee). Who, by the way, comes across as a real blow-hard but not as a real evil force to be dealt with.


Finally there's Andy Serkis's Gollum, who has never seemed more tragic, lonely and corrupted than now. It helps that the final seams of his CGI presence have been fixed (perhaps the dim lighting of his cave helps too).

So for those yearning another trip to Middle-Earth, The Hobbit does work okay. At the moment I understand how the story could be divided into two. But Necromancer knows what on Middle-Earth could be included in the third part.

Film: ★★★ 1/2
Fun: ★★★

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Director: Brad Bird


It's always a tell-tale sign of the state of Tom Cruise's popularity at any given time seeing as how big a role he gets in his flagship franchise. It's not so hot nowadays, since the latest Mission gives the most room for the Impossible Mission team outside of Cruise's stunts. As with Bourne Identity and The Avengers, Jeremy Renner is carted in to fill in as a probably candidate to take over the franchise. There never was just one.

When an operation is botched in Moscow, resulting a major bombing, the government shuts down the entire Impossible Mission Force (or I.M.F.). Ethan Hunt (Cruise) and a few of his fellow trusted agents must go on their own to find the culprit. It turns out to be professor Kurt Hendricks (Michael Nyqvist), a dangerous left-wing terrorist who threatens to start a nuclear war between the United States and the Sov Russia. They attempt to track the place where Hendricks and his lackeys attempt to do the launch.


The action is not overplayed and looks great. As with previous films, Tom Cruise had once again done his own stunts in a major scene. This time around, it's a hair-raising climb in Dubai's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa. The banter with Hunt and eager younger agent Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg) and veteran agent Jane Carter (Paula Patton) keeps things interesting. Guessing Renner's William Brandt's motivations, less so.


The film loses to its predecessor in one major point and it's by not having a good enough villain to pose a credible threat. The Cold war Bond film-like missile launch just doesn't cut it. Nyqvist is a burly middle-aged man, not nearly as cut and fit as Cruise. So the final beat-down scene actually makes the viewer feel sorry for the villain. The finnish Samuli Edelmann does a lot better as Hendricks' main henchman, who gets a lot more screentime. Since his Wistrom talks little, his job is mostly to look intimidating.

For animation director Brad Bird this seems like a move to finance a more personal live action project next. Cruise always could choose the right directors at any given M:I episode. But since the film is treated as just a bit o' fun, the attempts to bring any gravitas to it are automatically failed. The continuity-laden final scene is made all the more aggravating by this kind of shoehorning.

Film: ★★★
Fun: ★★★

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Director: Guy Ritchie


Guy Ritchie's 2009 Sherlock movie emphasized the Victorian literature hero's fighting skills and explosions. The sequel comes from the more-of-the-same construction line. At times it feels like the film's script is aimed at slash fiction writers, since the homosexual tensions between Sherlock and his sidekick Dr. Watson go so over the top. It's not innuendo any more if topless and made-up Holmes falls Watson on the ground, saying "lay down with me".


Tensions between Europe's superpowers, France, Germany and England are building. Holmes (Robert Downey, Jr.) soon deducts that these politics are manipulated by the criminal genius Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris). At the centre of the fiend's nefarious plot seems to be a fortune-telling gypsy Madam Simza Heron (Noomi Rapace) and her family. Dr. Watson (Jude Law) is about to marry his fiancée Emily, but Holmes insists on him to return to his aid for one last case. As Moriarty intends to hit Holmes where it hurts, Watson and his bride are targets, so the good doctor has no choice but to accept.


As with the first one, the film is shaped by it's talented cast. Harris, best known for his role as Lane in Mad Men, brings gravitas and unexpectedness to his Moriarty. He strongly holds his own in a role that could have gone to any more famous British thespian or even Hollywood super star. On the other end is Holmes' brother Mycroft, played with a warm humor by Stephen Fry. As opposed to most adaptations, Mycroft is now even more eccentric than his younger brother. Fry seems to have great fun in his flamboyant role, but we do get to see perhaps a bit too much of him.

As for the plot, it is, in its essentials, so simple that its hardly a proper mystery at all. The flashy Hollywood sensations overcome any good deductions or brain-twisting riddles. The action is passable, even if it is so large in scale, it's hard to take any threats to our heroes' lives very seriously. They ability to shoot, run, jump and dodge bullets seem unnatural most of the time. However, the fight scenes with Holmes deducting his next moves are as fun to watch now as ever before.

Film: ★★★
Fun: ★★★

Battleship
Director: Peter Berg


In the absence of a loud, rude and infantile Michael Bay summer toy movie, producers at Hasbro decided to go to the closest alternative. Basing a film on a licensed board game must be the stupidest thing to base a blockbuster on, so now Pirates of the Caribbean is excused. You don't even need Hasbro's game board to play, just a pencil, piece of paper and some imagination would do. But imagination isn't something that's big in Hollywood these days. So now there are aliens involved.

Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) used to be a slacker, until his brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgård) convinced him to join the Navy. As a marine, he's a big screw-up (like one would imagine), and one war game away from getting kicked out. It doesn't help that he has fallen for the Admiral's (Liam Neeson) daughter Sam (swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker). Alex hopes to get dad's permission to marry her. But then, everything changes as Aliens navigate to Earth through a seabed homing beacon or something. The marine-based alien vessels begin a war with the Navy ships.


Having a kid-friendly Michael Bay Light product is all well and fair, but at least then the movie's length should be adjusted accordingly. As of now, there's far too much similar scenes of Aliens and the Navy taking turns in shooting each other. The lack of proper Bay-like exploitation, ruthlessness and sheer bad taste make the viewing go smoother, but there's a feeling that something is missing.

It's a loud, infantile movie with plenty of American flag-waving and AC/DC playing as ships sail into action. Explosions are pretty, but they tend to get boring after about an hour in. The script is at times dire or outright ludicrous. The salute to veterans is a particularly cheer-worthy scene in all its cheesiness. A lot on the quality of acting in the film can be summed by saying that Rihanna gives one of the best performances. She actually makes it seem as if she worked for a living. The pop star also gets all the best lines. Like "Boom".

Film: ★★
Fun: ★★★

The Expendables 2
Director: Simon West


A lot can be said about The Expendables 2, but at least it fixes up several of the first one's unforgivable problems. This time around, they don't have a Mickey Rourke crying scene to clinically insert some ham-fisted drama into a stupid boy's night out -movie. This time, the incomprihensible Jason Statham's romance plotline is sidelined to a few phone call-scenes. This time, the action is clearly shot, easier to follow and more explosive. There's blood! These are improvements you get when switching from the director of Rocky IV to the director of Con Air. Unfortunately, they should have also hired some screenwriters, not just apes in front of typewriters. And a proper cinematographer.

This movie looks really cheap for a multi-million dollar production.

The leader of the secret covert operations team Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) is approached by the mysterious CIA man Church (Bruce Willis) to do a job to repay an old debt. The Expendables are sent to the former Soviet Union to retrieve something hidden inside a crashed plane. But it turns out that the ruthless Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) also wants the contents, and kills of one of Ross's team to gain it. The chase turns personal and Ross with his team will stop at no ends to have their vengeance on Vilain.

Shot mostly in a cold and barren landscape, The Expendables 2 looks like one of those cheapo straight-to-dvd Romanian-shot action films cast members like Dolph Lundgren excel in. Most of the money from the film's production has gone to the salaries of it's major stars. And once you hire Willis or Arnold Schwarzenegger, you have to have your monkeys say their famous lines. The cavalcade of worn-out one-liner clichés gets tired quite fast.


But there's also charm in the film's idiotism. Chuck Norris appearing out of nowhere, killing everyone around without breaking a sweat, is an internet joke so daft it turns back to being funny. Lundgren's grumbling and potentially dangerous guy, who is at the same time an chemistry genius and a total meat-head. The character is played by the Swedish muscleman with the necessary gravitas, with irony only hinted at the seams. As a cherry on the top, it is also funny to see Van Damme kick Stallone in the head. There should be more of this. So while the film isn't that good, it does offer some old circus tricks that the viewer actually does want to see.

Film: ★★ 1/2
Fun: ★★★ 1/2

The Avengers
Director: Joss Whedon


The most fun of the year's blockbusters was also such a big hit in the box office, it will change the game on movie releasing. Marvel's gambit of introducing characters in their individual films and bringing them all together to a major big brawl isn't that special in the realm of comics. But in the world of huge Hollywood movies such a thing had never been attempted before. And it payed in bucketloads. The film made more than a billion dollars, not counting all the merchandise, DVD's and the profit for the individual films.


The secretitive world safety organization S.H.I.E.L.D. has the possession of the mythical Tesseract from Odin's treasure chamber (used by the Red Skull tp try to conquer the world in Captain America: The First Avenger™). The Tesseract allows to create worm holes from one point in the universe to another. Thor's vengeful brother Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston, banished from Asgard in Thor™) sees this as an opportunity to take over the world with the help of his intergalactic army. He starts by possessing the minds of several key S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, along with Dr. Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgård), and blowing up the agency's facilities.

This makes S.H.I.E.L.D. leader Col. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) assemble a team of superheroes. He calls his #1 field operative Natascha Romanova a.k.a. (Scarlett Johansson) and Agent Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg), specialized in super hero watching, to help out tracking them. From nervous, anger-controlling gamma radiation specialist Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo), thawed out super soldier Steve Rogers a.k.a. Captain America (Chris Evans) to self-obsessed billionaire industrialist and robotic suit wielder Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.), all have to work together to stop Loki. But even Thor (Chris Hemsworth) has his own ideas on how to deal with his brother.


As in the comics, the superheroes presented here are deeply flawed characters. They do not work well together at first, and their larger-than-life personalities are on a crash course for course of the whole film. Thanks to Joss Whedon's script, the banter and teasing between the characters, as well as the tension-building works quite well. Mark Ruffalo in particular is the best screen version of the Incredible Hulk, with his good-humored responses hiding the fact he's struggling to control his immense raging id all the time. 

As a life-long fan of superheroes, both on comics and on screen, the critique requires a bit of trying to figure the film from an outsider's point of view. The film's pacing doesn't work as good as it should. The lengthy scenes of exposition still don't cover that much of what's going on (you need have seen at least Iron Man 2, Thor and Captain America). Action scenes are even a bit rare until the final battle, which lasts forever. The hoardes of attacking Chitauri are quite boring as villains, and there would have been a lot of more interesting alien races from the comics to use.


The film balances the characters exceptionally well. The only exception is the case of Hawkeye, who is a somewhat wasted opportunity. In the comics, he's the hot-headed, smartassed player Tony Stark is in the movieverse. Jeremy Renner does the best he can to make him seem like a badass, but we learn the least about his character, and he spends most of the time being Loki's puppet.

But for all it's flaws, the film is dynamic, and seeing the Avengers finally learn to work together makes the viewer giddy. "Aw yeah!" action scenes are plentiful, but not overused. The stakes are high enough for there to be actual worrying whether all the heroes will survive intact. The main message in these Marvel superhero films is that heroism is winning over the major personality flaws you have. And this film does so also within itself.

Film: ★★★ 1/2
Fun: ★★★★

Stay tuned for the Best of 2012 soon!

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Sequels to Prometheus


Today is the world premiere date of the highly anticipated new Ridley Scott film Prometheus. Unless I'm much mistaken, it will make a mint at the box office. And in Hollywood, success means sequels! But fortunately, since I'm currently traveling through time, I had the good chance to see actually four different sequels to Prometheus, each directed by a well-known name! So keep your eyes peeled because I have a feeling we haven't heard the last from the universe of Prometheus yet!

Alien (1979)
Director: Ridley Scott


OK, time to come clean. The link-bait that I am, I actually took on to review the Alien saga as "Aliens" is one of the most regular search results that has brought visitors here. And like Ridley Scott has taught us before, those strange and wonderful visitors are something we should fear, if we are to keep our virginal faces intact.

With the rate it's been parodied, remade, homaged and flat-out stolen (it seems, by Ridley Scott himself as well), it's hard to believe there is still someone who doesn't know the story of the film. The mining ship Nostromo lands on a distant planet to look for the sender of a distress signal. They find the planet deserted and the distress signal to be ancient. But one of the crew members, Kane (John Hurt), has an unfortunate run-in with a creature described as a "face-hugger", that latches itself in his face and won't let go. A day passes and the hugger drops dead. But Kane and the others have some all new worries, as an infant alien creature bursts through his belly. it's up to the other crew members to find the alien, hiding somewhere in the Nostromo, before it kills again.

At it's core, Alien is a serious remake of John Carpenter's Dark Star, co-written by Dan O'Bannon. O'Bannon had a lot of fun with blue-collar space workers with Carpenter's film, and it featured them searching for a deadly alien on board their spaceship. In that case, the alien was a red beach ball with some tentacles. Scott wisely elected for something more sinister and went to the Swiss surrealist H.R. Giger for designs. Suitably for a film that concerns sexual subtexts, the main alien was to look like a combination of a huge penis and vagina dentata.


Scott's film is a seminal ponderous 70's sci-fi film, and that is why it moves along quite slowly. Viewers accustomed to the faster pace of the sequels might well forget that. But we also get to hang around with the crew quite a lot, and see that the future isn't as glamorous and fabled as it's seen in most other sci-fi epics. They still need working class slobs to do the heavy work. One of the theses of the film is as to how far are these poor souls expendable for company's gains. The person representing these views is in fact discovered to not even be human, but an artificial copy. The maternal spaceship computer also shows HAL-like qualities while being completely true to her actual mission. These ideas are quite progressive to be found on a film made in an age before the neo-liberal profit-before-everything-else agenda has poisoned all businesses and politics.


The other major subtext, as I mentioned, is sexuality. Scott made sure as to write every character as asexual before casting the actors. The alien presents the primordial sexual fears of penetration and castration at the same time. Rape and pregnancy are fears here for the both sexes, and the aftermath of them both are bloody. There are no clear romances between the crewmen aboard, so there's no cheap teen slasher flick moralizing. At the time the film was made it was very progressive to see who would in the end turn out to be the strongest-minded and the one person able to destroy the sexual threat. But there is a sense of exploitation and stripping down just for the hell of it to get asses into seats.

Alien is an impressive work, but for me at least, impossible to look nowadays without seeing the legacy it left behind, which wasn't for smart thrillers, sci-fi, or horror movies with subtext to emerge, but to bring back the monster movie, and try to duplicate everything on display here as cheap as possible.

★★★★

Aliens (1986)
Director: James Cameron


The sequel, on the other hand, kicks unholy ass. James Cameron didn't rely on making as subtext-heavy sequel, but had enough gravy to make the beef tastier. This is an action film about the war traumas of Vietnam and the mentality of an American soldier (or rather, space marine).

Ripley's (Sigourney Weaver) escape capsule is found 57 years after floating in space in suspended animation. When finally rescued and awoken, Ripley finds out that no one knows of the Alien threat. In fact, the planet Nostromo's crewmembers found facehugger eggs on, has been colonized. Contact with the colony has also recently been abruptly ended. A team of hard-assed space marines are sent to investigate and to rescue the survivors, with Ripley working on a consultant should they run into Aliens. And they do.

Image courtesy of Rob Clifford.

Ripley, alone, abandoned and confused, puts her trust into new people in the film's beginning. As it turns out, the slimy yuppies are untrustworthy and just want to use her for their own gains. The decades that have passed have changed nothing. This time the real people representing the company were much less humane than the artificial man. Ripley overcomes her prejudicm against androids by the end of the film. But Ripley's real triumph is to build a new core family.


Newt (Carrie Henn) is a ten-year-old that has been the sole survivor of the Alien attack. Ripley shows her responsibility by taking her under her wing. By the end that also means she has to go out her way to protect her. Ripley embraces he motherhood instincts she didn't have the chance to with her own daughter 57 years ago, as she was far away, mining planets. Ripley also manages to find a suitable suitor (altough this is only implied) with Michael Biehn's Cpl. Hicks. He's the only man level-headed enough to survive, while others are prone to be over-confidently macho (William Hope's Lt. Gorman) dumb, or too whining and immasculine (Bill Paxton's Pvt. Hudson).

The men break their true character when they, for the first time, see war as a chaotic battle with no means of control. The American idea of going in headfirst and just shooting everything that moves is not such a good idea against a hidden, organized enemy that knows their surroundings better than the invaders. Unlike Vietcong, Aliens can also move underneath the floorboards and have acid for blood. The loss of control and attempts at gaining them are core issues here, as is rooting for the underdogs to survive while the jocks can't figure out what to do. And all the while it is ridiculously entertaining to watch it. Aliens is truly one of the very best action films of the 80's, a big dose of both masculinity and critique of it.

Aliens proved to be at least as influential as the film that preceded it. And not just in movies, but in videogames. Space marines fighting off huge hoards of disgusting alien monsters has become a haystay of the medium ever since, and probably will stay that way. 

★★★★★

Alien^3 (1992)
Director: David Fincher


If a franchise has spawned two genre-defining classics, then it should be hard work to get the second sequel off the ground. Sadly, more often than not the makers just embarrass themselves, Godfather III style. The third Alien movie went through years of development hell. 20th Century Fox couldn't even come to terms on what exactly should be the main setting or the main hook. Some ideas were quite interesting (a wooden monk planet directed by Paul Schrader), while some seemed doomed to fail (Renny Harlin directing an even bigger action film set on Earth). What was clear that in many aspects, the ending of Aliens had to be undone.

So, our hard-luck heroine still couldn't get rid of all those pesky xenomorphs. A face-hugger crept into their ship at the end of Aliens and caused it to crash. Hicks and Newt die, and Bishop is junk metal. Ripley wakes up to find she's the sole woman on a prison planet. A new xenomorph is born out of a dog (or a slaughtered ox depending on which version you are watching), and runs amok on the planet.


The former music video director Fincher had a horrible time shooting the film. Fox executives seemed intent on watering down every idea he had, and thus the film simply cannot break any new ground. This is his Dune, a film he loathes so much he still renowns the film (every cut of it, no less). It is for all intents and purposes a retread of the first Alien, with attempts at a moody thriller where people get killed one by one. But rather than to cube all the fear, paranoia and social commentary, the return diminishes on all these categories. What is left is a cynical, overtly Christian fable of self-sacrifice. Which is made so cheesy that one can't get at all worked up about it.

I'm prepared to admit I'm a little extra bitter about the film just because it so willfully destroys my beloved Aliens. On the one hand, I appreciate that the film is willing to distance it so much with a very well-loved genre film. These days with internet fanboy outrage it probably couldn't be done. But, as with every other good idea the filmmakers may have had making this film, they don't manage to take the idea anywhere. The result is that the film repeats the early scenes of Aliens, with Ripley disoriented feeling the loss of her family and seeing only the future of dog-eat-dog, kill-or-be-killed. Also, Alien^3 doesn't get going as fast as Cameron could, but lingers on the melancholia and sadness. I'm all for cynicality if it is based on some insight. Here, it just works to remind that the world is bad and the people are rotten. The film's sex-hungry prisoners are so bad, they even have two Y chromosomes (this is a joke, right?). The faux-british accents and horrible dialogue don't do any favors. Even they are saints when compared to their self-obsessed wardens.

One can see at embryonic states some ideas that Fincher came to develop in Se7en, such as a "pregnant" soon-to-be-mother having doubts whether the world is too rotten to raise a child. Here, of course, the baby is a xenomorph, and the people in the film are worse than they are. The worst thing about the film is that it's so goddamn boring. It's easy to see where it is heading at each time, so it won't come as a surprise that everyone else dies, except Ripley and that she decides to do the ultimate sacrifice instead of allowing the xenomorphs be exploited by the Weyland-Yutani corporation. The imagery is once again stark, creepy and beautiful, particularly in the Special Edition, where Fincher is allowed to linger on them for a little more. That cut is a vast improvement otherwise, too, with some of the stupidest scenes removed from the film. But there really isn't that much interesting stuff to replace it with, either. The thing doesn't develop the characters, or the situation, enough for it to be in any way worth watching, whatever the cut is.

Theatrical Cut: ★ 1/2
Special Edition: ★★

Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Director: Jean-Pierre Jeunet


The most maligned of all the sequels is Amélie and Delicatessen director Jean-Pierre Jeunet's attempt to revitalize the genre. The film does have a huge share of flaws, but at least it attempts to break some new ground and the end result is more watchable than Alien^3 in every way. I only have very few films that I feel a bit guilty about liking, but this is so hated, it is definitely in my short list of actual guilty pleasures.

200 years after the events of Alien^3, Ripley and the Alien queen inside her are cloned. The Queen is successfully removed from her body, but the cloning process has given them both some qualities from the other. Ripley is all, "here we go again", and "you gonna die, boyeee". And she's right, because soon the Aliens attack the Resurrection ship and it's passengers. Some of whom are Space Pirates for some reason.

Pirates need water to survive!
The actors and characters in the film are both its greatest strength and it's biggest weakness. One cares infinitely more about Winona Ryder's Call, Dominique Pinon's Vriess and Ron Perlman's Johner than anyone except Ripley in Pt. III. But still, the direction for the actors is simply atrocious. One can easily see Jeunet couldn't speak much English and thus the quality varies form here to here. Dan Hedaya steals the early film with his delightfully malicious General Martin Perez that's so over-the-top he wouldn't be out of place from Romero's zombie films. Jeunet also brings a lot of goofiness and comedy to the film. I almost had a vibe as if the film had been engineered to destroy the franchise, much like Joe Dante's Gremlins 2. But it is probably unintentional.

But in any way, the film captures the zeitgeist of the 90's much in the same way the first two films did. The film concerns itself with the problems of genetic engineering and cloning. The most telling scene about this is the one where Ripley meets an incomplete clone of herself that begs to be killed. What rights to the dead have to be cloned? Are people the property of their genetic code holders? The military complex's biological warfare has developed a whole new layer of evil. And also the sexual undertones of the Alien films are taken to grotesque new levels, with disturbing imagery that's borderline pornographic. Jeunet also knows how to handle the visual side, and the dark, technical spaceship interiors feel familiar and brand new at the same time.


There are plenty of thrilling scenes, the underwater dive with Facehugger eggs on the surface is easily the most exciting and well-executed. But then, they had to spoil the whole thing with the unbelievably stupid last twenty minutes with one of the worst monsters in motion picture history. I would like to think Kevin Smith got the inspiration for the Golgatan in Dogma from this Newborn creature. Still, the film is a lot better than Delicatessen co-director Marc Caro's attempt at sci-fi Dante 01, so Jeunet should be proud.

★★ 1/2

Saturday, 10 December 2011

International Films for the rest of the year, or: PÖFF 2011

"I hear Tallinn has a pretty groovy film festival. Let's meet at the harbor." Le Havre (c) 2011 Sputnik Oy.

The biggest film festival in Estonia, Tallinna Pimedate Ööde Filmifestival (Tallin Black Nights Film Festival, or PÖFF) turned 15 this fall. The prestigious international film festival was held 16.-30. November. I only had time to visit the festival for one weekend, even though it would've offered a lot of highly interesting international films. Luckily, a lot of them I had already seen or had the chance to see back in Finland. So here is an end-of-the-year roundup of interesting films from PÖFF's lineup.

Le Havre (Finland/France)
Director: Aki Kaurismäki

Le Havre (c) 2011 Sputnik Oy.
The pitiful Finnish film industry always gets a boost whenever our last and only recognized auteur, Aki Kaurismäki makes a new film. Nevermind that this one was shot in France and in French, Le Havre will win multiple Finnish Film Awards, and is our country's contender for the Oscars. But while it's a good film, it is a small disappointment and nowhere near Kaurismäki's finest.

Le Havre is about the inhabitants in a small coastal town in Northeast France. The old shoe-shiner Marcel Marx's (André Wilms) life is shaken as his wife Arletty (Kati Outinen) falls ill and is hospitalized. The grief-stricken elder gentleman finds it hard to function without his wife. He happens to come across the young immigrant Monet (Jean-Pierre Daroussin) hiding from the police in the harbour. The kind-hearted Marcel takes pity on the boy and gives him shelter in his home. It also allows him to get his mind off worrying about the fate of his wife. He gets the support of his entire comminity to keep the boy from getting to the cold hands of the law.

Le Havre is first and foremost a fairy tale for grown ups. Its humanism is strongly influenced by the silent films of Charlie Chaplin, and Kaurismäki also uses about as much dialogue in his films as well. But nevertheless, the film feels a bit too naïve and predictable for its own good. The message is of course good and pure, and as important today as it was in the 1930's when the right-wing chains of thought swept through Europe the last time. But Kaurismäki doesn't really get a good hold at his characters, which feel like rough drafts compared to his previous body of work. Marcel, for instance, is pretty one-dimensionally good. More time is spent on the nostalgia of the old town, where old people take care of old bars and old grocery stores, soon to vanish. The imagery itself is familiar to the point of clichés. Kaurismäki goes through a checklist of his usual trademarks, and thus, for instance, a rock show is tacked on (by the French old school rocker Little Bob). All in all, it feels a lot like a film fastly done in between other films with more gravitas.

★★★

Poongsan (South Korea)
Director: Juhn Jaihong


The formerly prolific Kim Ki-Duk has had trouble doing films lately. He's suffered from depression and a writer's block, that is all delved into in his latest film Arirang. But luckily Kim has shown signs of getting better, and now he has managed to script and produce another film that isn't about himself. Instead, is a action thriller about the conflict between North and South Korea and one smuggler between them.

The mute smuggler, known only by his cigarrette brand as Poongsan (Kye Sang Yoon), silently takes on jobs left on a note by grief-stricken families. He can bring anything and anyone across the borders of the two Koreas. While his reputation grows and grows, eventually he gets a job from a wealthy Southern businessman to bring back his Northern girlfriend In-ok (Guy-ri Kim). The job proves harder than usual, as the saucy woman proves to be more than a match to Poongsan's finely-tuned tactics. At the same time the South Korean police has set up a trap to catch Poongsan and to find out whether he comes from the North or the South. But also North Korean Agents have their eyes on Poongsan and sinister plans for him.

The fast-moving movie has a huge cast of characters and so many allegiances that it's difficult to keep track of all of them. The middle of the film in particular, is quite confusing. At the centre of the movie there is a triangular romance, that feels quite forced considered from any angle. But at least things aren't as black and white as they initially seem. Director Juhn Jaihong excels as an action director. The scenes of running through the border area are brisk, exciting and innovative, if not very realistic. Likewise, Juhn and Kim have also deviced some very twisted and nasty ideas for the film, which one can take chuckling. The whole ordeal is a kind of a modern western, if such a common comparison can be excused. The mute stranger playing two sides against each other for profit is the exact plot of A Fistful of Dollars. Poongsan is a sort of superhero, as he seems almost invunerable. He's a symbolic person, the spirit of the Korean soul that doesn't look whether you come from the nort or the south. The film deals with subjects that must be painful to the Koreans, but does it in an exciting, innovative way. The script could've used another polish, though.

★★★ 1/2

Attack the Block (Great Britain/France)
Director: Joe Cornish


A new generation of video-raised Brits have recently started to make more interesting genre pictures. With his debut, Joe Cornish goes to the same league with Neil Marshall, Edgar Wright and Ben Wheatley. Cornish's master idea was to combine a silly alien invasion idea with a coming-of-age tale of a hoodlum. A teen gang has to face responsibilities for the first time in their life to survive and protect their home block.

The story begins on New Year's eve as the gang led by Moses (John Boyega) mugs a nurse on her way home. While the gang's making their escape, a small furry alien attacks Moses. He decides to beat it to death as revenge. But this turns out to be a mistake, as bigger, nastier aliens soon start to appear and killing off people. They seem to have some beef with Moses and his past deeds. In the mids of all the fireworks they have come on Earth undetected and because of the block is seething with crime, few authorities want to check on it. One of the gang members gets injured and needs mediacal attention. Luckily at their home block the ruffians realize that the nurse they robbed is actually living as their neighbour. Sam (Jodie Whittaker) therefore has to choose whether to trust the hoodlums to survive or to try to make it on her own.

Attack the Block's biggest problem is that it's marketed as a comedy, but it really isn't all that funny. Little wannabe gangsters Probs and Mayhem do raise a few giggles, but Nick Frost as a lazy fat drug dealer feels mostly wasted (in the bad way). The film's aliens are cool, dark furry things with glow-in-the-dark teeth. When their mission is revealed, it seems plausible, and thus they would've fitted well with my recent list of best movie aliens. There is also the stretch that one has to symphatize with some nasty underage hoodlums to enjoy the film. But hey, the same is true with Akira. Like the anime classic, this is a little anarchistic and anti-authority, but also stretches the need to take responsibility of one's own actions.

★★★

Sons of Norway (Sønner av Norge, Norway)
Director: Jens Lien


Sons of Norway takes us back to the golden days of the late 1970's in the concrete suburbs of Oslo. The adolescent Nikolaj (Åsmund Høeg) is raised in a family of free-thinking radicals (in a word, hippies). Nothing is shunned upon, and his parents have an open mind toward everything. It all changes when Nikolaj's mother Lone (Sonja Richter) dies in a tragic accident. Living with just his grief-stricken widowed dad Magnus (Sven Nordin) is a real pain. So when Nikolaj gets his first teenaged needs to rebel, he needs to take it to the extreme. Luckily, punk rock and The Sex Pistols have just risen, so Nikolaj bases his life on their teachings. He gets a new punk look, acts rude toward authorities and starts his own garage band with his friends. But then Magnus decides he wants to party and join in the movement as well.

The film is certainly quite funny, as much comedy can be done on the expense of the 70's Nordic liberals. For instance, we are taken to a nudist camp, and Nikolaj gets to witness more sex than should be good for a boy too young to actually do it himself. As everything is looked through nostalgic lenses, rather than looking forward, the film isn't that punk in actuality. It pronounces the joy of life rather than nihilism. I should hate it then, but I don't. After all, there is a late cameo by Johnny Rotten himself. The film is quite episodic, which makes me feel it is based on a book or on actual events. It would benefit from having a stronger sense of the story rather than having just one set piece after another. But the father-son relationship is realized in a funny and never preachy way.

★★★

Inní: Sigur Rós (Iceland)
Director: Vincent Morrisset


I didn't know much about Iceland's gift to progedelic rock, Sigur Rós, before seeing this film. I feel like I still don't. It's a documentary film about the band, which utilizes a lot of concert footage, but also some interviews from the course of their career. But very few of them, in fact. Too bad, because they are easily the most interesting thing in the movie. Most of the time is spent on gigs, with the camera hugely close to the players and obscuring much. The film is black-and-white and grainy, allowing viewers either to interpret the film as they please or get nauseous. As for Sigur Rós's music, I feel it is quite nice to listen for a song or two, but I get annoyed by its slowness and lack of any hooks after 1,5 hours. If you're a fan, this is a must. Otherwise, I suggest to avoid this.

★★

Killing Bono (Ireland/Great Britain)
Director: Nick Hamm


Based on a memoir that every one that has ever talked about has described as "almost too weird to be true", Killing Bono tells the story of Bono's doppelgänger. The man in question is the Irish rocker Neil McCormick (Ben Barnes) who went to the same school as Bono, The Edge and friends way back when before they were famous as U2, in the late 70's. Neil's younger brother Ivan (Robert Sheehan) was in fact asked to be in the band lare named U2, but the jealous big brother never allowed for this to happen.

The film deals with the two brothers' struggling to have some sort of success with their own band, while U2 goes on to be the biggest band in the world. The McCormick ordeal features gangsters, record company executives, loose women and other deadly combinations of weird Irish people. Sex, drugs and rock and roll are all present, but don't feel glamorous but a little worn out and with a tiny hint of melancholic sadness within them. Neil makes a huge string of bad decisions and usually keeps them from Ivan. When Ivan finds out brotherly feuds so harsh follow even the Gallaghers would find them a little excessive. The ever-awesome Pete Postlethwaite makes his final appearance on the screen as the boys' gay landlord. The still-awesome Twitter superstar Peter Serafinowicz plays a sleazy and foul-mouthed record company owner. The film is quite funny, but more than anything, it made me interested in reading Neil McGormick's book. I'd like to find out just how much of it was made in the sake of cinematic storytelling and how much does McGormick claim is true.

★★★

Code Blue (Netherlands)
Director: Urszula Antoniak

 
Urszula Antoniak is known from her debut feature film Nothing Personal. Code Blue is similar in the slow pace and lack of dialogue. Antoniak trusts the images to tell the story. Another thing that is similar is that they both are stories about love and sexuality, but go across painful limits, making the stories all the more tragic. Code Blue is much more violent, almost sadistic in its outcome.

Nurse Marian (Bien de Moor) tends to appears to be emphatetic and good at her job, taking care of terminally ill and old patients. But she harbors more sinister feelings among herself. She's a loner and become more than a little twisted from being around death all the time. She also has voyeristic urges, and with binoculars witnesses a man in the next building doing violent acts to women. Rather than calling the authorities, she becomes fascinated and a bit aroused by this man. And the man also starts to spy on her. It is inevitable that these two shall meet.

Code Blue is slow to the point of coma. But nevertheless Antoniak is good at building pressures, which burst out at a few shocking scenes. Her film's protagonists are pretty rotten to the core, which makes the film feel a tad nihilistic. It's certainly arty, to the point when a lot of people won't stand the film. But I've got to say, once I got over my initial confusement, I kind of liked it.

★★★ 1/2

She Monkeys (Apflickorna, Sweden)
Director: Lisa Aschan


One of this autumn's biggest surprises comes from Sweden of all places. To be fair, it's no wonder I was t first dismissive of a film that was said to be like "a new Fucking Åmal". In actuality She Monkeys is a lot more. It shares it's slow, almost documentaristically still style with films like Play. In fact it works very well as a companion piece of that film. Whereas Play had some good ideas of how to present male adolescence, peer pressure and the spread of anti-immigrant views on cinema, She Monkeys delves on the development of female sexuality, unrequited love, mood swings and physicality.

The teenaged Emma (Mathilda Paradeiser) is accepted to a school for circus acrobats. She soon makes friends with another schooler, Cassandra (Lena Molin). They soon become inseperable, doing everything together. But it soon turns out that one of the girls feels a lot stronger towards the other than the other does. Nevertheless, the scenario is allowed to go all through to its breaking point. Meanwhile, Emma's little sister Sara (Isabella Lindquist) gets her first taste of developing into an adult as a swim school instructor tells her mom that she needs a bikini top to swim there. Sara harbors a crush on her cousin Sebastian, and plans to woo her.

All information we viewers gain in the film is based on what Emma and Sara experience on screen. There's not a lot told about what's happening outside. It keeps the film fresh and pulls the rug out from under the viewer's feet a few times. She Monkeys isn't afraid to surprise or even shock. For a debut director, Lisa Aschan has astonishingly good sense of cropping the image and allowing us to read things on almost still faces. The film also has a strong sound design, with breathing and other small sounds turning out to be vital for the storytelling. The film is cut surprisingly short and when it ends, the viewer is left wanting for more. While all threads are tied in this film, maybe we're just left to wait what Aschan does next.

★★★★

In A Better World (Hævnen, Denmark)
Director: Susanne Bier


Susanne Bier's films are basically very good, but I somehow mostly see them as somewhat off-putting. I don't know what it is, certainly not the thematic darkness, since I'm used to that as a Scandinavian. Her films tend to have depressed people be miserable amid the Scandinavian welfare state. That's by no means a wholly unique theme in Scandinavian cinema. So is the case with Hævnen, which actually means Revenge. It has won multiple awards, including the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film at this year's Oscars.

Hævnen has several stories going on at once, but the central one concerns the budding friendship between Elias (Markus Nygaard), who is bullied at school and Christian (William Nielsen), who has a lot of personal problems as well. Both come from fractured families. Elias' parents are on the border of breaking up and his father Anton (Mikael Persbrandt) spends a lot of time abroad, at work at an African refugee camp. Christian has lost his mother to cancer and is having a hard time adjusting to life with his dad Claus (Ulrik Thomsen). Christian starts behaving aggressively, almost sociopathically, and he pulls Elias with him to his dangerous shenanigans.

Bier has a pretty good idea of male adolescence and what pulls boys to dangerous shenanigans. The actors are superb and are particularly well in scenes filled with melancholia and sorrow. Audio-visually, the film is also top notch. Yet I still feel as if the film is missing an edge or some other major spice. The whole thing feels like playing a bit too safe to create exactly the kind of film that Scandinavians appereciate. For one thing, I don't feel the scenes in African add too much to the story. They are interesting and all, but seem like they would better suit another kind of film. Perhaps it is Bier's way to show that the Nordic angst actually is nothing compared to the problems that a lot of other countries have to deal with every day. That would explain the English title, at least.

★★★ 1/2

Superclásico (Denmark/Argentine)
Director: Ole Christian Madsen


In a Better World was Denmark's representative at the Oscars last year. This year they've sent a more comedic film, which is actually still a very similar story at core. It's also about a dysfunctional family on the verge of breaking up that faces grievances, angst and sorrow. It is probably because of Lars von Trier's controversial Nazi statements that they wouldn't dare to send the much superior Melancholia. But while Superclásico is pretty predictable, there's loads of fun to be had with the film.

Christian (Anders W. Berthelsen) is a wine shop owner, that has been trying to cope with his wife Anna (Paprika Steen) leaving him. Anna is a football manager and has fallen in love with her protegé, the famed Argentinian soccer player Juan Diaz (Sebastián Estavanez). Anna needs Christian to sign the divorce papers so he can marry Juan. Christian decides to do that in person in Argentine to get one last chance of rescuing his and Anna's marriage. Their recluctant, laconic teenaged son Oscar (Jamie Morton) is taken along. On the trip the Nordic and fiery latino sensibilities clash, but the boys also get their own taste of passion form Argentine women.

Like it's name implies, Superclásico is a pretty basic story about a divorce. There's only a few small surprises along the way, but the film's real trick is to do the most worn-out elements so well as to make them seem fresh. First of all, the film is very well acted. Everyone from the main roles to small ones do a great job, have just the right comedic timing, and create multidimensional characters that feel very real in the context. Second is that the sunny Buenos Aires is shot with care, an eye for detail and, in a word, with love. It feels like one of the main characters of the film. We scarcely get postcard monuments, the film takes us more to tiny wine bars, carages and seedy hotels. So all in all, while there's nothing to write home about, it is a pleasant enough trip.

★★★

50/50 (USA)
Director: Jonathan Levine


An even more unlikely concept for a comedy than a painful divorce, is deadly cancer. But dark subjects are usually the most ripe for comedic treatment. The approach here is to do it as adorable as possible. So we have adorable Joseph Gordon-Levitt getting deadly cancer. Helping him are the adorable Anna Kedrick, Bryce Dallas Howard and Anjelica Huston. Perky pop and old classics are playing on the background. There's an adorable dog named Skeletor tilting his head at appropriate times. The film even features the adorable Philip Baker Hall as an adorable older cancer sufferer with a potty mouth and an appreciation of weed.

But anyway, the film is based on an (inspirational) true story. The 27-year-old Adam (Gordon-Levitt) finds out that he has back pains because he has a rare form of spinal cancer. He's given a 50/50 chance of making through it. So, naturally he also starts to go through what is important in his life. He comes to terms with his overly-worrying mother (Huston), and deals with his artist girlfriend (Howard) who has started to drift away. Along the way he meets new friends at cemotheraphy and strikes a friendship with his young therapist Katherine (Kendrick).

While 50/50 is quite symphatetic, it doesn't work that well as a comedy. Most of the fault lies in Seth Rogen's performance as the cancer-sufferer's best friend Kyle. Rogen's shtick is as tired as ever, and starting to really get on my nerves. Kyle is a generally unlikeable radio host that thinks about himself before others. He only talks about getting laid and smoking weed, and never, ever shuts up. And he's ever-present in many scenes that would do a lot better without him. I get that he's supposed to be a bit of an asshole, but still have a heart of gold. That's what friends sometimes are, particularly if you're in a tricky situation. I'd still like to avoid Rogen from now on, if he doesn't attempt to evolve one bit either as an actor or a comedian. But the film at least made me reflect on my own life.

★★ 1/2

Saturday, 3 December 2011

The Arnold Project IV - Eating green berets for breakfast


I will never cease to start these things off with a Legolambs musical!

By the mid-80's, the massive success of The Terminator had made Arnold a huge movie star. His name began to appear in posters above the title. But Arnold was also smart enough to choose the right kind of roles to build up higher and higher. Arnold required to have a layer of irony in his starring vehicles – and thus he starred in some of the most ridiculously macho films ever made. Building Arnold's film career was thus a lot like bidy building. Nobody else could do it half as good as the Austrian Oak himself, it got more and more muscular over time, and the end result was even better than cumming. At least two of these three films are among the best action films ever made.

Commando (1985)
Director: Mark L. Lester


Commando is a high-brow socio-political look at issues in foreign affairs in the mid-80s Reagan era. The former Special Forces soldier, Colonel John Matrix (Arnie), has retired to live with his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano) in a far off location. Those days of ice cream and deer-feeding come to an abrupt end when John's old army buddy Major Kirby (James Olson) comes knocking on Matrix's door. He's warning that a lot of members of their old unit have been killed. Indeed something foul is aplay as Jenny gets kidnapped soon afterwards. But John doesn't have to look for the guilty party soon, as he reveals himself. His antagonist is no other than Bennett (Vernon Wells), a psychotic (and chubby) Australian John had kicked out from his old unit, and presumed dead afterwards.

Bennett's team attempts to blackmail Matrix into killing a South American head of state. Thus a right-wing dictator could overthrow the country. But all this is bullshit to Matrix and he only cares about the safe return of his daughter. So, he escapes and starts picking off soldiers from Bennett's unit one by one. During his journey, he meets the fair young Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong), who recluclantly agrees to aid Matrix in his quest for vengeance.

The sad facts about America aiding para-military coups and revolutions with weapons is heavily criticized within the movie. The corruption of governmental abuse of their rights has spread to within the system: you can't even trust your own band of brothers. The only way to survive is to think outside the box and to rely on one's nietzschean übermensch abilities. When pushed close enough to the edge, every one may find these abilities within him- (or her-) self. It of course helps if you're Arnold at his most kick-assisest form.

Nah, I'm just pulling your chain. Commando is actually an endlessly rewatchable parade of one-liners, over-the-top kills and the most inequal pairing of main villain and hero in muscular Arnold in a tank top vs. a fat Vernon Wells in a chain mail. Plus the film features Arnold chopping a man's arm off and beating him with it. And at least two of Matrix's enemies die from being impaled on ridiculously phallic objects. In the words of Cindy: "I don't believe this macho bullshit!"



★★★★

John Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix! You did!
Matrix: I lied.

Raw Deal (1986)
Director: John Irvin


According to the film's co-screenwriter Sergio Donati, Raw Deal a kind of western. I can't really see it in it any more than in any other 80's action film. But then again, they do usually feature loners and outsiders taking on a whole system seething with criminals and other scum. The outsider protagonist comes and goes to and from the picture out of nowhere. I also seem to remember that Commando actually ended with Arnold flying a small plane into the sunset. So it's not far off. Arnold is surely the John Wayne of the 80's – quick-witted, a little violent, a man of few words, but with a strong sense of right and wrong.

In this Arnold plays Mark Kaminsky, a former FBI agent now in witness protection. When the vengeful FBI operator Harry Shannon (Darren McGavin) offers Kamisky an undercover operation inflirtating the mob, he wholeheartedly agrees thanks to being bored out of his mind from his life with his wife. So the first thing he does is drive a bulldozer through a casino wall. This surely gets the mobsters' attention and Arnold is soon rolling with the big cats.

As you can see, nothing much makes sense in the film, but it does have Arnold fighting the entire mafia. However, compared to the two other gems dealt with in this post, Raw Deal moves way too slow. Much time is spent, for instance in the would-be romance between Kaminsky and Kathryn Harrod's Monique, but nothing really comes out of it. It's strange that the film forgets Arnold's wife as easily as Kaminsky himself. I'm sure Arnold wouldn't act so sleazily to his love in real life. In fact, Kamisnky acts unusually assholish for Arnold throughout the film, and his end move after finishing the main bad guy is unforgettable. There may be way too few memorable one-liners, butthe film is still quite watchable, thanks in large part to a major shootout to the tunes of Rolling Stones in a car pound lot/gravel pit.



★★★

Mark Kaminsky: You're under arrest.
Thug: For what? 
Mark Kaminsky: Impersonating a human being! 

Predator (1987)
Director: John McTiernan

Are you noticing a pattern in these posters as well or is it just me?

What a lot of people forget about Predator is that it's not merely an Arnold vehicle. No, it's an action ensemble piece, The Expendables of it's time. And multiple times tougher than anything Sylvester Stallone ever cooked up. So tough was the film that Jean-Claude Van Damme dropped out from playing The Predator, because he probably realized he's no match for the protagonists even with camoflague gear on. We have Carl Weathers as a commado-turned pencil-pushing sleazy bureaucrat. We have Bill Duke as super threatening constant shaver. We have Sonny Landham as the Native American silent who during the course of the film learns to laugh and cry. We have Hollywood's best action film writer Shane Black as the team's jokester, a pussy whose girlfriend also has a huge pussy. We have Jesse fuckin' Ventura as a goddamn sexual tyrannosaur! If you don't like this film, I don't like you.

So the film is actually a pretty forward Vietnam allegory. A bunch of Commandos get hired for one last job to rescue hostages held by guerrillas in South American jungle. The way these guys work is to knock on door and then blow everyone moving away. The simple boyish glee they get from massacring a lot of people should be enough of a warning that the tables are about to get turned. An invisible predator is also lurking in the jungle, using his high-tech gear to take our the commandos one by one. He is The Predator, an extra-terrestial who hunts people for sport. He's one ugly motherfucker. Can Arnold's quick-witted Dutch get to the chopper in time, and match this foe? Of course he can, but The Predator is a kind of a tough opponent. And a sour loser to boot.

Curses! Foiled again!

Like The Thing with loads more action, a lot of the dynamic of the film comes from the men bickering amongst themselves on how they're going to survive. There's a schism between pencil-necked girly men and muscle-on-top-of-muscles burly men from the first scene which sees Arnold and Carl Weathers twisting their arms. The fact that the camera zooms on their biceps also gives you an idea of how serious the film takes its macho bullshit. The weapons budget also allows for hilariously long shoot-outs.



It is also a film that was hated by the corrupt former finnish prime minister Matti Vanhanen, so there's also that going for it.

★★★★★

Dutch: What's the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils? Huh? Had enough?

So that's that. I wish I could stick around, but I ain't got time to bleed. I already let Sully go, so Hasta La Vista, babies.

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