Three laughs: Robotrix

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #37:  
Robotrix (Nu ji xie ren, Hongkong, 1991)
Director: Jamie Luk

I've heard movie pitches a lot worse than "sexy RoboCop". During Hongkong's mad "CAT III" years, someone had the bright idea, not only to do a combined scifi actioner and softcore film, but to also have it basically be Terminator 2 as well, having two killer robots battle it out. The evil robot, played by Billy Chow, is REALLY EVIL, and during the course of the movie performs rather nasty sexual violence against sex workers. So, there's a Trigger Warning to go with the film, they really don't slow down as it gets started.

The film has a little tongue in cheek, as in the beginning we see a German robot that resembles a little of the ol' T-800, and an American robot that in turn has stereotypical mullet wig and if I needed to make a guess, seems to be a reference to Jean-Claude Van Damme's Cyborg. Mammary-heavy Amy Yip plays the android body into which a dead policewoman's brain is inserted into. There's little nudity, though, even though for the first time in Hongkong cinema, Chow also reveals his member in a quick scene.

A lot of the film plays up the comedy rather than the serial-killing robot hunting. Not all of it is intentional, bad dubbing, bizarre dialogue and hammy acting carries a lot of the fun. Yip's cyborg is put on an undercover mission disguised as a sex worker, and caused by this, starts a really successful police-run brothel business, that also her co-workers in blue seem to enjoy using. Chikako Ayoma plays Yip's rival policewoman that comes to rely on her as a partner before the film's bloody climax.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The film's flimsy plot consists of several elements that don't quite click together. We are introduced to the villain of the film when he uses sleeping gas to knock out everyone in a bath house and to kidnap the daughter of an Arab prince to... ransom her for money? This idea doesn't really play out in the following scenes. But at this point Yip is still playing a flesh-and-blood policewoman. It is proven she is no match for the precision of a cyborg as she is immediately shot in the chest by the villain. She'll get better.

 2. The bad android's sex drive is so huge, he goes to bars picking on small-time gangsters' girlfriends. This enrages the Triad guys and they take the fight... to the toilet? As the android refuses to pay to use her, he is attacked, but the robot just punches the gangster so hard to the stomach, it implodes. The Itchy & Scratchy -level cartoonish violence that reminds of films like Riki-Oh is one of the best reasons to watch these CAT III films. There's also a memorable scene with a drill in this one.

3. Of the police group's characters, the most annoying one is the bearded sex-hungry virgin guy, who also tried to get a free round with sex worker Robotrix by disguising himself. In the lead up to the climax, he is unceremoniously cut in half with a car. The characters in the film are very sad to see him die, the audiences back home may have an entirely different reaction to seeing the sleazebag go.

Three Laughs: Showgirls

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

Three laughs case file #36
Showgirls (USA, 1995)
Dir. Paul Verhoeven 

Now, Showgirls is a cult film in the proper use of the term. It has a devoted league of fans that know the movie by heart and recite its lines. But even they can't really come to an understanding on whether the film is actually any good or if it's funny just because it's bad. There's even a new documentary called You Don't Nomi (2019, dir. Jeffrey McHale) that makes arguments for either case.

I am more than willing to give director Paul Verhoeven the benefit of a doubt. After all, the crazy Dutchman has always provoked and in the meantime made some of my favorite movies of all time. But one has to also know that he's a bit of a perv, and even if he's doing a scathing movie of the treatment of young women in the entertainment industry, one can be sure he makes it gaudy, ridiculous and more than a bit male-gazey. Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas gets even less of a benefit of a doubt.

But the thing that makes Showgirls an entertaining movie is that it refuses to belong to any one box. It is more than happy to keep switching its tone, taking different aspects and running with them, and refusing to give easy answers. It's dumb, it's weird, and the acting in particular is all over the place. It is not an entirely successful movie, that much has to be said. I think one gets quite weary of it during the lengthy run time. But there's certainly the required laughs to be had in following Nomi's (Elizabeth Berkley) career from a stripper to showgirl to a genuine star.

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. Some people in McHale's document claim to realize the film is very bad from the first scene onward. I feel like it's a bit heightened, but a true reveal on how the film is going to be is after Nomi arrives to Las Vegas and loses all of her belongings to a thief pretending to be a Samaritan. A kind soul (Gina Ravera) offers to help her, but also makes the mistake of asking her where she comes from. Nomi, just trying to eat a basket of fries, doesn't have any of it, throws the fries away and gives a wonderful delivery of the line "DIFFERENT PLACES!"

2. I think the film's funnest scenes include the super-bitch star Cristal Connors (Gina Gershon), and the All About Eve -style one-upping between her and Nomi. The film's funniest scene comes from the bonding at a restaurant they seem to have between eating dog food, and loving a perticular brand, Doggy Chow. To add up to the scene's oddness, they also toast chips when finding common ground.

3. I just have to include the bizarre sex scene between Nomi and the sleazy rich boy Zack Carey played by Kyle McLachlan. They head out to a neon-lit pool for a bit of the old in-n-out, which Nomi performs similarly as her striptease, mainly throwing her legs around Carey and flopping on her back like a fish on heat in dry land. It's wet, it's wild, but it ain't erotic, I tell you that much.

Three laughs: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

 It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

 

Three laughs case file #34:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (USA, 1986)
Director: Tobe Hooper

It's strange how some horror sequels can get away with a more silly tone, such as Evil Dead 2 or, to lesser extent, Phantasm II (maybe one could also argue Dawn of the Dead). Some that try out similar things are reviled, such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. To be fair, Evil Dead 2 sets a gold standard in horror-comedy filmmaking and others that go that route aren't nearly as good or funny. But that's not to say they are bad movies, far from it!

Director Tobe Hooper has insisted that even the first one is a sort of black comedy. There are perhaps some chuckles to be had from the mad exploits of the Hitch-hiker or the dinner scene late in the movie. Nevertheless, the sequel goes a lot further in this aspect.  The film was made as a part of the director's deal with Cannon Group, which has brought up suspicions that it was made in order to secure funding to the more ambitious Lifeforce (1985), or perhaps earn back a little of what it lost.

The sequel sets out to skewer much more of the Americana than the previous did, with digs about the state of consumerism, media, sexual repression, dual moralism and 80's eat-or-get-eaten capitalism in general. It also dives deeper into distorted ideas of family values. Cannibalism and murder is a way of life, but the film's insane characters also revel in and enjoy it.

Basically the film's plot (such as there is one) is very similar to the one in the previous film. The lady DJ Vanita Brock, or "Stretch" (Caroline Williams) gets kidnapped by Leatherface and his family and must fight to survive in their secret lair, now close to Dallas in order to easier capture victims. Meanwhile Sheriff Lt. Lefty Enright (Dennis Hopper) is out to avenge the disappearance of his son in the previous film. This time, though having a "Chainsaw" massacre is not just empty talk, and power-tools buzz for a lengthy part of the movie. It's also made pretty clear on which body part these long blades are meant to be an extension of.

 

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The very first scene makes clear the intentions and approach of the sequel as opposed to the first. A bunch of obnoxious yuppie teens hoot and holler, and blow people's mailboxes as they're driving to a party on their minivan. But when the night falls, they get a taste of their own medicine as a zombie geek jumps on the youngsters' car. In fact it's leatherface doing a bit of a puppet show with a corpse and soon gives them a show in the use of a massive chainsaw as well. Oingo Boingo is playing on the background for this scene.

2. The film's biggest new character, Chop-Top (Bill Moseley) is a truly slimy and obnoxious dude, out to make Stretch as uncomfortable as possible. It's almost a relief when suddenly Leatherface burtsts through the door. But the clumsy oaf can't catch Stretch as she makes good use of a fire distinguisher runs through a safety door.  Instead, he manages to injure Chop-Top's head, revealing the metal plate he got in 'Nam. But he woes more of the destruction of his terrible Sonny Bono wig.

3. Towards the end there's a touching but blackly comedic scene of Lt. Enright finding the remains of his son, which happen to be a gruesome skeleton on a wheelchair. He proceeds to destroy the entire lair with his own chainsaw. He comes to Stretch's rescue later on and declares himself "The Lord of the Harvest". But Leatherface isn't going to let the guy threaten his family, culminating in a once-in-a-lifetime duel with chainsaws. This was this franchise's high point. It was all downhill from there on.

Joe D'Amato triple feature

 

 

As a preview of next month's ABC's of Italian genre cinema post, I thought I'd take an opportunity to take a couple of monster movies that didn't make the cut for that one. Moreover, this post is to write a bit about Joe D'Amato (1936-99), born Artistide Massaccesi.

He's often seen as one of the more banal Italian genre film director, making shlock from popular cannibal and zombie genres. Yet I don't particularly find his movies "so-bad-they're-good". While he is not a brilliant horror director in disguise, I do find his films to often be more original and suspense-driven than their reputation suggests.

Probably what ruined his reputation was the moralistic fact that he also worked on Adult films, producing first the Erotic films like the Black Emmanuelle series, and then moving on to hardcore pornography (like making the notorious Porno Holocaust). But I have selected here three horror films that perhaps shed a light a bit on why D'Amato was an unique director after all, if not entirely successful.

Antropophagus: The Beast (Antropophagous, 1980)

Italian film fans know the character actor George Eastman, often playing nasty brutes, from films like 2019: After the Fall of New York and Warriors of the Wasteland. He had a fruitful work relationship with D'Amato, working with multiple genres and even co-directing 1983's 2020 Texas Gladiators. But with Antrophagus, he had a role of a lifetime. He also worked as one of the film's screenwriters.

Most of the film concerns a group of young vacationers exploring a mysteriously empty Greek island. It's as if all the occupants therein had died or fled. To spoil a little, it turns out a cannibalistic and mute killer with a scarred face (played by Eastman) lurks there.

The film builds up very slowly, which is partly impressive for a film deemed a Video Nasty, but also partly a bit boring as the puzzle pieces don't seem to reveal themselves. Nevertheless, as D'Amato started out as a cinematographer, he manages to create an unsettling vastness of the island, and claustrophobic interior scenes with ease.

The film's most memorable part comes when we get a flashback on the tragic events that made Eastman's character lose his mind and all sort of reasoning. D'Amato seems to have a point that we are only one bad day away from reverting back into cavemen and killing everyone within our territory.

★★★

Absurd (Rosso Sangue, 1981)

 

A sort-of sequel to Antropophagus, except it actually has an entirely different backstory. But Eastman looks and acts the same way. The actor worked as a screenwriter in this one as well. This time, Eastman's mute killer surfaces on the mainland, killing people that happen on his way, and seeming impervious to bullets.

It turns out the killer has escaped from a medical facility. He battles a motorcycle gang and some cops, but ends up in the houselhold of a seemingly regular family, The Bennetts, who have to fight for their life against the unremorseful killer. The film is a bit darker, utilizing night scenes and the fear of the unknown within a city setting to its advantage. It includes all the basics of a slasher movie, with its unfeeling and unstoppable force coming out of nowhere to intrude on a normal family life.

Compared to the previous one, this is more eventful, but also a bit confusing, as pieces don't seem to add up the same way to a big reveal as before. The violence is particularly brutal here, with plenty of gore and a particularly nasty scene where Katya Berger's head is being burned in an oven. This film turned out on the list of the notorious Video Nasties as well.

Massacessi used the pseudonym Peter Newton this time around. It might be that since he had directed ten Erotic movies in the year between these two movies, the name D'Amato started to wear out.

★★★

Beyond the Darkness (Buio Omega, 1979)

 

As much as those two monster pictures had some nasty and disgusting shades, they pale in comparison with D'Amato's best horror work. It is a thoroughly disturbing serial killer movie that cares not of the boundaries of taste and reason. It has some shades of black comedy as well, that were later more realized in purely comedic films such as DellaMorte DellAmore. It also takes ideas presented by films such as Psycho to their logical extremes.

Frank Wyler (Kieran Canter) loses his girlfriend to an illness. But instead of letting go, he decides to dig up the corpse and embalm her. The family villa houses this secret, but multiple people stumble upon the scene by accident and meet their grisly fate as punishment for this. Iris (Franca Stoppi), the strange housekeeper is culprit on all of this, finding also suitable victims for his young master and helping dispose of the corpses.

 

The film is a gruesome remake of The Third Eye, but also revels in the historical knowledge on stuff such as how mummies were used to be embalmed (we can see this in all gory detail). While the film centers around necrophilia, it also includes cannibalism and gory dismemberments. It seems the effects budget for this was considerably bigger than in most of D'Amato's other works.

While the film may seem to have so many tasteless elements in order to irate cencors and decency activists, it also has a very perculiar and odd sense of wonder in all this. The human mind in its most crazed can be oddly creative and logical in its illogicalities. It's not an easy movie to predict the next scene and it keeps surprising the viewer. The images are sterile and unmoving, which makes for an odd experience to follow such depravity.

 

On the worse side, the ending seems rushed and a bit clichéd compared to the rest of the movie. It had some ingredients that could have made it a serial killer classic, but now it stays more or less just a curiosity for those that can stomach its contents. It has a very cool Goblin soundtrack, though.

★★★ 1/2

Three laughs: A Talking Cat?!

 

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.   

★ or ★★★★★

 

Three laughs case file #33:  
A Talking Cat?! (USA 2013)
Director: David DeCoteau 

A very cheap family movie about a magic cat helping out a family with their problems might sound innocent enough. But when you have a director like David DeCoteau make it, known from his trashy films, you might be onto something odd. Adding to the comedy is main star Eric Roberts, a veteran on hundreds of movies, most of them bad, cashing in a check with a vocal performance that sounds like it was recorded in his car while driving to get some coffee and donuts. Or maybe the trunk of the car. 

The film has some penny-squeezing qualities (many of which we come to in a minute), some of which is that the main house used in the movie looks suspiciously like a set from a porn movie. And in fact the film's set WAS used in a little film called Ass Worship 13. 

As you might know, cats aren't exactly known for being easy actors in movies, and the tabby Duffy with the physical side of the main part does look like he would have none of the bullshit the film keeps feeding us. He is replaced in the film's poster by a younger, cuter kitten. Other stars are made to be some wood-faced models, except the film's dad, played by Johnny Whitaker, who has some very unusual features for a leading man, which makes him of course all the more interesting to watch. One could only wish one of the cinematic Garfield movies was made with a similar who-the-fuck-cares attitude.

Three laughs (SPOILERS): 

1. The movie has two main houses where the action is set in, but it leaves even The Room behind in its obsessive use of establishing shots. Hilariously, also many of these don't seem to fit together. Is the film supposed to be set on a beach, or a forest, or maybe the desert? Is it some tropical country or California? Well, at least the movie crept just above the required 85 minute length.

2. Eric Roberts' lazy-ass dialogue is heard throughout the movie but in fact the titular cat can only talk to people once each. During the first 15 minutes it might be hard to recognize when people are hearing the cat, but once he really talks, you can't help but notice. The reason being that the cat's mouth has been animated by the cheapest possible MS Paint images put into a GIF animation possible.

3.Getting back to the gay porn qualities of the movie, although the film has the most white bread and milquetoast romantic comedy plot possible, we do have an extensive scene where Justin Cone and Daniel Dannas have a conversation by the pool. The film lingers very long on the wet, shirtless and fit young dudes' bodies. The question remains if there's a problem the cat didn't help the boys with or if this is just an obsession of director DeCoteau he couldn't shake even when making a kids' movie.

Three laughs: Ebola Syndrome

 

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

 

Three laughs case file #32:  
Ebola Syndrome (Yi boh lai beng duk, Hongkong, 1996)
Director: Herman Yau

Has there been a pandemic going on long enough that we might have a bit of a black-hearted laugh about it? I recently had my Covid tested, and even that experience was enough for me to want to have a laugh at this shitty disease's expense. Or perhaps at the assholes who spread it because of no regard for public safety.

Today's film tells the story of one such individual. It is also a notoriously nasty and outrageous film, that could only have been made in liberal Hongkong in the 1990's. They used to have this CAT III rating that allowed directors to truly push boundaries, which resulted for a lot of erotica, but also some very out-there movies.

Herman Yau's Ebola Syndrome is nasty in every sense of the word. It has a kind of racist approach to the disease spreading in Africa at the time, showing natives therein being just primitive tribespeople. The film's main character Kai (Anthony Wong) is one of the nastiest bastards in all of cinema history. A brutal sociopath, misogynist, rapist and murderer, he is a Triad henchman on the run from his bosses to Africa, where he catches a disease. He returns home to become a cannibal chef at a burger joint (in a move parodying the more straight-faced The Untold Story).

The film itself pushes the viewer's buttons and provokes at every turn. The approach is something akin to Troma movies, but made with a better budget and sense of cinematic shots. Yau is not a bad director, but he approaches the sort of nihilistic edgyness that was hip in the 90's, but a bit tiresome now. Ebola Syndrome doesn't apologize for anything, it is a throughly slimy and mean-spirited movie, and proud of it. And, for certain sorts of viewer, also very funny. Viewer discretion is adviced.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The film's opening scene sees Kai having sex with his bosses' wife and getting caught in the act. The boss orders the sniveling underling under a golden shower, which shows quickly on what kind the film's sense of humour is. Nevertheless, the shlubby-looking Kai soon reveals that he is more cunning and ruthless than appears, and brutally murders everyone else in the room.

2. The film's racism could almost be seen a parody of some old-school shockers, such as Italian cannibal movies. The shocking conditions in Africa, for instance, show pig corpses intended for food being stored in broad daylight next to human corpses. Needless to say, they get churn into hamburgers anyway. Both pigs and corpses.

3. But dead people in a bun are not the most disgusting thing the film serves. Later on, we see Kai listening in on some next-door love-making while relieving himself on a piece of meat. Of course the same piece gets then thrown into a pan and served to customers. If this movie teaches something, it's taking distance and remembering at least some resemblance of hygiene.

Three laughs: American Kickboxer 2

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

 
Three laughs case file #31:  
American Kickboxer 2 (USA, Philippines, 1993)
Director: Jenö Hodi

Let's kick two flies with one stone. Since we've been very interested both in bargain-bin VHS action movies and foreign movies from around the world, here we have a cheapo actioner that's been done in the lovely Philippines. American Kickboxer 2 has nothing to do with the first film in the franchise, as the case with sequels always should be.

It's a dumb-as-rocks -kind of film that also has its tongue firmly in cheek. Nevertheless, it has a borderline soap opera kind of plot. The film concerns a rich family's small daughter getting kidnapped by a SWAT team in a helicopter. As the parents can't go to the cops, Lillian (Kathy Shower) makes a shocking revealation to her husband Howard (Police Academy's Tackleberry, David Graf): he's not the father of the girl, it could either be his violent ex-husband David (Evan Lurie) or the girl be a result of a casual fling with a local playboy Mike Clark (Dale Cook). Luckily, both of them are cops, martial artists and men of action. Not so luckily, they despise each other and the situation they are put in.

The film's actors are hilarious to watch as Cook can barely act and just stumbles around stupidly, and Lurie is so off-puttingly aggressive it's impossible to feel any sympathy for either of them. But then, they get into bar fights, shootouts, prison riots and even an underground fighting ring around every corner. As a travel commercial for the Philippines, it really doesn't work. But as far as B-grade action movies go, this one is a keeper.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. As we're somewhat copying the buddy cop -format from movies like Lethal Weapon, one thing the film needs is a Joe Pesci -like comic relief. Or rather, not. When the main characters first meet they immediately hate each other, and start to fight at a McDonald's parking lot. Maxin Ross, a local club owner, plays a weaselly guy that has an objection since the beat-down is happening on the hood of his car. He runs his mouth a bit, but is mercifully kicked in the head soon enough.

2. The main characters bickering to the point of fisticuffs is a running gag throughout the film. My favorite scene comes when, just as another of their fights is about to start, they suddenly duck out from a drive-by shooting. As Lurie thanks Cook for saving of his life, Cook smugly retorts there's no debt since they saved each other. But Lurie just takes this as a realization nothing is stopping him from sucker-punching his partner to the face. As Cook falls, he also hits his head to a steel door behing him. But then we immediately cut to the next scene where he's walking around as if nothing happened. This is basically a Tom & Jerry cartoon with real actors.

3. It turns out that our dynamic duo has a secret ally infitrated in the criminal leagues, a guy who's a dead ringer to the director Peter Jackson in a beret. He makes his infiltration in a memorable way. As everyone is distracted by watching the captured heroes fight each other to the death, he goes to put two cockroaches from a jar to a guard's leg. As the roaches run up his trouser leg, the guerd is distracted for a moment and then klonked in the head. Smooth.

Three laughs: Ninja III The Domination

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #30: Ninja III: The Domination
(USA, 1984)
Director: Sam Firstenberg

It's kind of odd that I've not yet featured any Cannon Group films in this column. Perhaps I've gone on even cheaper thrills than the relatively cheap but still Hollywood productions of the company started by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. The main idea of Cannon was to populistically grab onto any trend that might attract customers of the 1980's film landscape. Enter the Ninja.

As the world started to open up in the 80s, ninjas were some of the exotic thrills provided by foreign countries that managed to work wonders within the action movies. They made for good enemies for any action hero, but there was a sense of mysticism and magic in them that they could also carry entire movies as protagonists. Shô Kosugi was one of these crossover stars that first started as a villain yet grew into a surprisingly popular leading man.

As Cannon's Ninja trilogy goes, I've covered the Franco Nero -starring first part here before. While I might prefer the second one, Revenge of the Ninja, it is a close call and there's a lot more cult movie vibe in the third one, titled The Domination. For as Golan and Globus wanted to capture trends, it is not just a ninja picture, but rips off other popular films of the time, such as Poltergeist and Flashdance.

Yes, the story is of a female aerobics instructor that gets possessed by the spirit of a vengeful ninja, and must strike to kill at nights. She needs the help of Kosugi's wise old ninja master in order to defeat the evil. The film could have been a star-making turn for Lucinda Dickey, and the idea of a female lead in a ninja action movie is kind of progressive. It's too bad she can't be a fighter by her own right but has to be possessed in order to be able to take men on. The way to go about it is nothing short of crazy, so we might gawp and gather the highlights into a text such as this.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The movie has one of my favorite opening action scenes of any action movie ever. It's the best action scene of the movie, so it's a bit of a letdown that the rest of the movie can't hold up to that one. After a short intro of a man visiting an ominous ancient temple, a black ninja (David Chung) appears on a golf course to an entourage of polo-shirted white guys. He enrages them by squeezing golf balls into powder. He proceeds to hack and slash them to death which starts out a non-stop 10 minutes of pure action I won't go beat-by-beat here. Suffice to say the ninja lifts a running golf cart and stops such a hard hit from a golf club with his hand, the bar bends around it.

2. Soon after rich guys are offed, the action moves to cops pursuing the ninja. He lifts a ride from a helicopter and kills the cops within it, making the helicopter explode. Just as you think the scene is over as the ninja is hiding in a pond, breathing through a reed, he gets discovered and blows some poison darts to a cop through the reed and starts killing cops once again. Talk about making bacon on a beach.

3. I have to talk about the other side of the film, which sees Dickey's character be escorted by a cop (Jordan Bennett) since she is eyewitness of the Black Ninja's crimes. She ends up seducing him in an amazingly 80's apartement with arcade cabinets, neon lights and Duran Duran albums. Like a scene from The Naked Gun, she takes a can of tomato juice out of somewhere and pours some on her neck. Is this bizarre idea supposed to be sensual?

Three laughs: Killer Elephants

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart. 

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #29:
Killer Elephants a.k.a. Rumbling the Elephant (Thailand, 1976)
Director: Kom Akkadej

Low-budget action movies, particularly fromn foreign countries area n interesting pool to dive into, since they come from a place of having to  try harder to entertain the audience than their big-budgeted bretheren. That's why every once in a while something emerges that delivers outrageous action and no filler throughout their run-time.

Case in point is Killer Elephants, a Thai movie starring the local film star Sombat Metanee. It may not have the outstanding martial arts action that many Thai films since the 2000s have boasted, but it makes up for them in big stunts, big elephants and a big heart. It's basically a western film with a ruthless criminal gang terrorizing a small town, until a mysterious stranger comes to put them in line. Using a lot of violence and a group of elephants, of course.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. One thing I love most about these sort of exotic thriller movies is the way their action really looks dangerous. It might have been a horror to make, but the explosions are much more satisfying when it doesn't seem they have been made in a supervised and sterilized environment with professional stuntmen. This film doesn't really waste time, and the very opening scene is of a car chase through a jungle road with bad guys dropping oil drumson the road from a pick-up truck, and then shoot at them to explode the car of the pursuing hero.

2. Although the film offers plenty of old-school action thrills with car stunts and explosions, the money shot is of course the elephants and their use in these scenes. Luckily, it doesn't seem like elpehants have been put to any real danger in making the film, rather it seems they enjoy being able to wreck shit up. The first such scene comes early on as  the police comes to confront the villainous Elephant Gang on a bridge. The baddies don't take no shit from the pigs, and command their steeds to throw police cars into the river.

3. Mostly the elephants don't kill anyone though, they are mostly used to scare people and perhaps demolish a village. I have to highlight one comedic scene, though, where a defeated little runt tries to cheese off. A bull elephant has surrounded him, and he klonks his head on its dong. Childish? Maybe yes, but you won't get anything like that on any other movie.

Three laughs: Don't Go Near The Park

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #28:
Don't Go Near The Park (USA, 1979)
Director: Lawrence D. Foldes

We should all try to avoid public places there days, so to remind you, here's Don't Go Near The Park. And why shouldn't you go near? Well, since there are serial-murdering magic cavepeople in there, of course. The film has the gall to state that it's based on actual occurences throughout history.

In actuality, it is a cheap grindhouse flick that cashes in on similar 70's dreck such as The Hills Have Eyes. There is enough gore that it gained some notoriety when in the UK it was put on the Video Nasties list, but they shouldn't have. It's a childish movie that perhaps only open-minded kids could properly appreciate. The cavepeople seen in the movie are Gar (Robert Gribbin, as Crackers Phinn) and his sister Tra (Barbara Bain) some ancient native americans that were cursed by a witch to live forever near their home cave and only gain their youth by consuming human flesh.

But there is also confusingly an important, magical date of two stars coming to in line approaching when they should sacrifice a virgin in order to gain eternal youth. And for this, Gar concieved a baby girl with a woman and grew her to be 16 years old (played by Tammy Taylor). She also has a magic amulet from her caveman wizard daddy that kills would-be rapists and such scum that would do her harm before his dad and aunt can.

The film's inner mythology doesn't make much sense and the wooden actors won't even try to sell it. Most of the movie is spent on following airheaded but peppy kids straight outta 60's Disney movies that are drawn to the cave-vampire Some familiar B-movie stars such as drunken Aldo Ray and fresh-faced Linnea Quigley are top-billed, but in actuality, have only small roles.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The opening scene where a Halloween-masked witch puts a curse on the diabolic duo is pretty funny, because Bain chews the scenery incredibly hard. It also seems like she's cracking up listening to the bullshit. Why were they cursed? There's an incestual tone here, but it's probably due to them being cannibals even in ye olden days.

2. The first poper gore scene is one of many cases of Tra doing the Kali Ma and ripping live organs from people's stomachs with her bare hands. The effect is laughable, but even more laughable is her taking off her withered old crone face like a rubber mask. Underneath, she had an eye patch for some reason, perhaps to make her look similar to Christina Lindberg?

3. The climax is something to behold, as Gar and Tra suddensly start shooting white lasers from their eyes and kill much of the supporting cast, start a major fire and then bring the dead back to life in positively Turkish-grade -looking zombies that turn against them. Way to save the sugar to the bottom, movie.

Three laughs: The Ark of the Sun God

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

Three laughs case file #23:
The Ark of the Sun God (I sopravvissuti della cittá morta), Italy/Turkey, 1984
Director: Antonio Margheriti (as Anthony M. Dawson)

The Italian director Antonio Margheriti grew his career on a couple of early horror films, Danza Macabra and The Long Hair of Death in the 1960's. A workman-like director, he dabbled in various genres, even though could not repeat the success of his early works. By the 1980's, he was doing Italian ripoffs of popular action movies, which resulted in some notably wild and crazy works (such as Car Crash, starring John Travolta's brother Joey, and Yor: the Hunter from the Future that married together Conan-like Barbarian pictures and Star Wars -like fantasy-scifi). I am certain to speak of him again in this column.

The Ark of the Sun God is, of course, an Indiana Jones rip-off. Margheriti has an eye for interesting and quirky characters, and thus the treasuire is sought after the likes of a fat businessman, a wino who happens to have a magic amulet, a safe-cracker, a snooty upper-class Brit and a villain whose accent makes him sound like Ren Höek (calling his minions "eedjits"). The minimal budget is used quite well on a couple of notable sets, and the car chases have been done with miniatures. The film is not Margheriti's best work either in terms of quality or as far as wild rides go, but there's still plenty to be enjoyed here.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The film has an ear-worm of a theme ("Adventure, adventure", it repeats). It also pops up quite unexpectedly. When we're introduced to the wealthy Mohammed (Ricardo Palacios) it is also shown how he likes the ladies and likes to party. So, we're treated to a disco scene where the fat guy boogies to the film's main theme. Everyone involved in this film seems to have a good time.

2. As mentioned, the car chases are mostly done with miniatures, and it's always fun to see these Matchbox cars in action. There are two major car chases, both of which are over way too soon. It seems thay have been mostly created with remote-controlled cars, with suitable reaction shots of the actors behind a wheel plastered in between. The first one has a car jump through a hole in a train, while the latter one in the desert has a more explosive ending.

3. Oh no! Mohammed is my favorite character in the film and in one scene thugs seem to circle around him and shoot him in the gut. But once police come to inspect the secne, the body is nowhere to be found. But later when the film's hero  Rick Spear (David Warbeck) inspects the sewer (with plenty of sharp-toothed rubber rats to go, he discovers that Mohammed is still alive. His explanation given is that the bullet got stuck in his wallet. With some overnight nursing, he's ready to travel to a desert to find a lost city of gold!

Three laughs: Hologram Man

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

Three laughs case file #22:

Hologram Man (1995)

Director: Richard Pepin

Hologram Man is one of the cheapo direct-to-video films made by PM Entertainment Group. A lot of their oveure are pretty basic action movies that run like clockwork, delivering plenty of explosions and gunfights for the buck. In the mid-90s a lot of films tried to go futuristic with cyberspace and -punk themed movies aplenty. Hologram Man seems to have been made after seeing the trailer and production stills for Strange Days.

I reality, the film plays more like an even dumber version of Demolition Man without any of the satire from the script of that one. Basically, it is a crime / revenge story that holds futuristic technology as close as magic. People die, but live on as vengeful holograms that may get plastic skin to pass off as living once again. There are bug-ugly hair aplenty and a surprising number of character actors getting an easy paycheck by popping by the film.

In a futuristic LA a terrorist called Slash Gallagher (Evan Lurie) is sentenced to a cyberspace prison wherein he becomes a hologram. But five years in, his goons release him as a (gasp) deadly hologram. Now it’s up to renegade cop Decoda (Joe Lara) to stop Gallagher’s terrorist plans and his holographic form from wreacking revenge on him and the tech company that created him.

Three laughs (SPOILERS): 

1. In the beginning this may seem like any other LA-set action movie, with a chase scene shot at the reservoir at dawn. Slash Gallagher and his goons hijack a bus á la Speed and cop cars chase them. But since they had no budget to do them all, it's borderline amazing when some cars appear, set-dressed to look like Death Race 2000 vehicles. But they explode in huge fireballs all the same. Even the costuming seems to be half modern Terminator 2, half dystopian Mad Max with eyepatches and silly-looking plastic garb especially on Tiny Lister's character throughout.

2. After the shootout, we have a sex scene that comes from out of nowhere. It's as graphic as the one in The Room, and ends just as abruptly. We had to get the vital information about our hero Kurt Decoda. Mainly, that he's good at fucking.

3. All the "science" in the movie is highly suspectible. But you don't need me telling that it's totally silly they make prisoners into holograms. Instead, the movie has Blade Runner's William Sanderson as an evil tech expert with a truly goofy hat. When Gallagher's hologram is released, there's a silly scene where he demostrates liquid polymeric plastic by dipping his arm into it. Of course there's a molding machine for Gallagher that creates a sort of fake skin for him. Wouldn't you know that this machine is a true Chekhov's gun and a baddie gets tossed into it in the finale?

"What about Slash?" "He's slashed to me."