Three laughs: Double Team

 
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #44:
Double Team (USA/Hong Kong, 1997)
Director: Tsui Hark

It's been known to come out of my mouth to say that Jean-Claude Van Damme has a surprisingly good filmography. Well, y'know, not good-good, but there's plenty of really over-the-top and silly actioners that are a lot more fun to watch than many of his peers. He also managed to star in both John Woo and Tsui Hark's Hollywood movies.

The hongkong cinema legends became rivals over dispute of the A Better Tomorrow series, directed by Woo and produced by Hark. Initially Hark made the third part without Woo, who became an international superstar in hos own right. It's quite clear which one of them was more talented, but Hark never gave up trying to upstage Woo's style. Case in point was 1997 when they both ran in the competition of who would make the more ridiculous Hollywood action movie. Woo made Face/Off, Hark made this.

The reason this film is called Double Team is first to cash in on Van Damme's previous Double Impact, but it also serves to remind that it's basically two very tangentially related movies in one. One, a gritty circle of revenge between a terrorist played by Mickey Rourke and Van Damme's counter-terrorist agent. The second, a weird ripoff of The Prisoner, where Van Damme is taken to a secluded scifi island retreat for ex-agents and plans for his escape.

And where does Dennis Rodman's arms dealer fit into all this? Basically nowhere, it seems they had a hunch Rodman would be a bigger star than he was, so his short role had to be expanded to be another of a buddy cop duo, with outrageous fashion items, bright hair colors and basketballl-related one-liners. The plot is a mess, the film tries very 90's-like to be cool with off-putting camera angles, endless explosions and cool-for-cools sake sets, locations, effects and visual elements that serve little purpose and eventually don't go nowhere. It all makes for a very entertaining, trashy movie that gets dumber and dumber as it goes along. 

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. When Van Damme finds himself on Conter-terrorist Island, he is immideately in a hurry to get out. His lover thinks he's dead and Rourke is out to get vengeance on him, since he accidentally killed his child (it's a weird position for a film's hero to basically be a child-killer). Thus, he begins a hilarious training routine in his motel room that gives fans of Muscles from Brussels what they bought their ticket for. He does the Splits climbing a door frame, punches a bucket full of gravel and lifts a bath tub all the while making pained expressions. He's also doing some MacGyver-like experiments with a Coke can that somehow will help him escape the daily routine later on.

2. Since Rodman can't act his way out of a paper bag, and Van Damme famously has a limited grasp in English, all the buddy scenes between the two play out quite differently than the film's producers probably had in mind. My favorite scene is when the pair of them have to jump out of an airplane in the middle of nowhere (Rourke's base is in the Colosseum in the middle of Rome). They bicker since there was no parachutes, but luckily, Rodman did became prepared. He somehow turns on a giant basketball over the pair of them that somehow shelters them from the impact. Real xXxTREME SPORTS!

3. The overly conveluted Finale is miraclous in itself, since it involves Rourke having dug landmines in the middle of the Colosseum and let out an angry tiger loose. Van Damme and Rodman are platforming around to find a missing baby. It's almost avant-garde how incoherent this all is, but one can't look away. The final coup the grace is when all the explosives are triggered and the pair saves themselves by shetering behind a number of Coke machines THAT CAME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! One gets a sneaking suspicion that this film might have been sponsored by The Coca-Cola Company.

D is for Demons! Demons!

Last month I missed out on doing any posts about Italian genre cinema, but October gives us the perfect time to catch up. And unholy monsters from hell gives us a perfectly seasonal adversaries to base a blog post on. In the late 80's, demons started to get the spotlight zombies used to have with a couple of fresh-faced directors.

Demons (Démoni, 1985)
Director: Lamberto Bava

The son of Mario Bava, Lamberto, started out as a assistant director in his father's films, but got to start his own directing career from the late 1970's onward. In the early 80's he was a ward of Dario Argento, who produced and co-wrote this 4th-wall-breaking movie to him. The artist also known as John Old Jr. considers this to be his best movie and probably is not wrong there.

Shot in Berlin, a group of different people have won a ticket to a film premiere in a brand new movie theatre. The showing is to be a horror movie that has effects never before seen on the big screen. The event soon turns to a nightmare as it turns out the group is trapped inside the theatre and blood-hungry demons start slaughtering them one by one. 

The film can't be said to be entirely serious. It has a sense of irony of having one of the cinema-goers be a blind man. Also the main theme from the soundtrack is probably the craziest composition Goblin's Claudio Simonetti ever did. But the film has a good eye for set pieces, a decent budget that paid for a lot of really expensive effects and a willingness to forget about certain details, such as the plot, in order to get going. The younger Bava never could quite match his old man's style, but still he was gifted as a creator of suspense and putting unique visions on screen. Not to mention gore, that comes bountifully. It was not actually a preference of Bava himself, so I expect Argento had his fingers in the game.

If there's a downside to this coked-up fever dream it's that Demons basically work too much like zombies, in that they can turn people into one of their own kind. That's why the apocalyptic ending seems way too familiar from plenty of zombie movies, Italian or otherwise, that show the disease spread to the entire world. But that was the 1980's when people had a common fear of an illness bringing about the end of the world.

★★★★

Demons 2 (Dèmoni 2... l'incubo ritorna, 1986)
Dir. Lamberto Bava

Like the Die Hard films, it seemed the Demons movies also were going to be set on bigger and bigger settings. This one sees an entire high-rise become a battlefield when Demons attack! This time they won't step out of the movie screen, but come from your TV sets standing in the most sacred places of your own homes.

The film has a new set of stock characters with their flimsy character arcs, or just colorful deaths. It feels the script is even more haphazard than the first one as a lot of set-up is just forgotten along the way. It's not bad, but it all just feels so uninspired. Almost all good ideas of the movie were already done in the first one.

There's still some points of interest in this. Fans of architecture in Italian films may get a kick on how the film moves between different apartments. It's critiques of modern living and entertainment are also somewhat similar to the mayhem seen in Gremlins 2 four years later, but it doesn't really go far enough into these to reach the same dizzying heights.
 

★★ 

The Church (La chiesa, 1989)
Dir. Michele Soavi

 Along the way, Argento had a falling out with Bava, opting rather to work with his own second unit director, Michele Soavi. The man also called last great giallo director had debuted with Stage Fright.  Reportedly, Soavi thought the Demons films to be "pizza shlock" and wanted to make a more sophisticated horror movie rather than a continuation. Still, his second film was sold to some audiences as Demons 3, as well as his next movie The Sect as Demons 4.

The Church is interesting in just how Catholic it is. Past bloodletting done in the name of the Church comes to haunt modern librarians and priests trying to work in a building built on the blood of innocents. In Italy in particular, it seems a lot of the most bitter agnostic attacks against the power of religion came from horror movies, which is probably why they were seen so subversive back in the day.

 
Soavi digs a hole for himself by having a too good, brutal and savage prologue set in the Crusades. The opening scene reads like something out of the catalogue of Paul Verhoeven, another critic of the violence done by institutions. But after the opening, the film lulls in athmosphere a bit too long. The Church itself with its dark corridors and ominous statues is a very nice environment, but after enough camera drives and crash zooms where scarcely nothing happens makes the audience groan for the movie to roll along. At this point Soavi wasn't that skillful in building up tensions, part of the reason being that his characters are always so paper-thin as to be boring to follow.

The film's music is an odd cocktail of Goblin, Keith Emerson and some Philip Glass compositions that seem to be taken straight out of Koyaanisqatsi. It's a good measuring stick on how Soavi has problems establishing a clear thoroughline for the film. Visually, though, it's very striking with magnificent effects work by Sergio Stivaletti. The gore and creature scenes in particular are nasty and memorable, so the film has plenty to offer for fans of Soavi's style, even if the film as a whole somewhat creaks at the seams.

★★★
 

Cemetary Man (DellaMorte DellAmore, 1994)
Dir. Michele Soavi

Since we are covering double D's, I have to throw in also Soavi's probably most popular and unique movie. Loosely based on the fumetti comic Dylan Dog, Dellamorte Dellamore is a kind of unique little gem in the horror comedy genre, a sort of match between the general skewed worldview and sense of humor of Danger: Diabolik and the hysterical antics of Evil Dead 2.

Rupert Everett plays a lonely but cynical cemetary groundskeeper Francesco Dellamorte who has a surprising amount tof work on his hands. The cemetary turns the dead back to life after three days so he has to make sure the zombies stay underground. But the lovelorn young man can't help to fall for either widows or corpses of  young women, which is harder to combine with his line of work.

The film has a autumny visuals where it's all shades of brown and grey, down to earth, which contrasts nicely the cartoony aspects of the story and performances on screen. The film has a episodic nature, where it does resemble the comic books it is adapting. Likewise in the amount of sex and violence on screen, although to contemporaries like Braindead, the film seems downright tame.

Not only about the duality of love and death, the film also depicts the longing to escape a small town and its repetitive cycles. Dellamorte goes through the same loops every night, but refuses to learn or to move on. His mute partner Gnaghi (François Hadji-Lazaro) fares better, and genuinely falls in love, albeit to a severed head. The movie, as outrageous a premise as it has and dry humor, is actually in favor of enjoying life and seeing as much of it as one can.

★★★★

Three laughs: Robotrix

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #37:  
Robotrix (Nu ji xie ren, Hongkong, 1991)
Director: Jamie Luk

I've heard movie pitches a lot worse than "sexy RoboCop". During Hongkong's mad "CAT III" years, someone had the bright idea, not only to do a combined scifi actioner and softcore film, but to also have it basically be Terminator 2 as well, having two killer robots battle it out. The evil robot, played by Billy Chow, is REALLY EVIL, and during the course of the movie performs rather nasty sexual violence against sex workers. So, there's a Trigger Warning to go with the film, they really don't slow down as it gets started.

The film has a little tongue in cheek, as in the beginning we see a German robot that resembles a little of the ol' T-800, and an American robot that in turn has stereotypical mullet wig and if I needed to make a guess, seems to be a reference to Jean-Claude Van Damme's Cyborg. Mammary-heavy Amy Yip plays the android body into which a dead policewoman's brain is inserted into. There's little nudity, though, even though for the first time in Hongkong cinema, Chow also reveals his member in a quick scene.

A lot of the film plays up the comedy rather than the serial-killing robot hunting. Not all of it is intentional, bad dubbing, bizarre dialogue and hammy acting carries a lot of the fun. Yip's cyborg is put on an undercover mission disguised as a sex worker, and caused by this, starts a really successful police-run brothel business, that also her co-workers in blue seem to enjoy using. Chikako Ayoma plays Yip's rival policewoman that comes to rely on her as a partner before the film's bloody climax.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The film's flimsy plot consists of several elements that don't quite click together. We are introduced to the villain of the film when he uses sleeping gas to knock out everyone in a bath house and to kidnap the daughter of an Arab prince to... ransom her for money? This idea doesn't really play out in the following scenes. But at this point Yip is still playing a flesh-and-blood policewoman. It is proven she is no match for the precision of a cyborg as she is immediately shot in the chest by the villain. She'll get better.

 2. The bad android's sex drive is so huge, he goes to bars picking on small-time gangsters' girlfriends. This enrages the Triad guys and they take the fight... to the toilet? As the android refuses to pay to use her, he is attacked, but the robot just punches the gangster so hard to the stomach, it implodes. The Itchy & Scratchy -level cartoonish violence that reminds of films like Riki-Oh is one of the best reasons to watch these CAT III films. There's also a memorable scene with a drill in this one.

3. Of the police group's characters, the most annoying one is the bearded sex-hungry virgin guy, who also tried to get a free round with sex worker Robotrix by disguising himself. In the lead up to the climax, he is unceremoniously cut in half with a car. The characters in the film are very sad to see him die, the audiences back home may have an entirely different reaction to seeing the sleazebag go.

Night Visions: The New Ab-normal

 
Things are different this year around, which meant for the regular spring edition of Night Visions film festival getting cancelled. But at least here in Finland things got a little better, so there was an opportunity to have a festival in August. Things are changing also in the way I'm writing a festival report after a long while.

Butt Boy (USA, 2019)
Director: Tyler Cormack

 
This is a movie about an obsession, addiction and the willingness to wreck lives to achieve it. It's also a serial-killer movie about a dude, who (SPOILER) sucks people and objects inside his cavernous butthole. As far as crazy premises go, this one takes itself as seriously as it physically can.

As a whole, this film moves quite slowly. It has some perks, like watching the slowly ravelling cat-and-mouse game between Tyler Cornack's perp and Tyler Rice's cop on the edge. When the actual reveal comes, it changes the film's dynamic entirely, making the last quarter or so a real blast of butt-jokes. It is not quite as crazy as I had hope it would be, but I got some good chuckles and the melancholic feel of the movie really got to me.

★★★

Luz: The Flower of Evil (Columbia, 2019)
Dir. Juan Diego Escobar Alzate

This latest word in folk horror sees a reclusive cult live off the land. The cult leader El Señor (Conrado Osorio) keeps multiple wives and declares his youngest child to be the next Messiah. The other children, three daughters, find an object of the outside world and have different reactions, from wanting to escape to undying loyalty and laboring hard for the cult. The film doesn't really manage to give a good athmosphere or raise the stakes as one would wish from a horror film. Visually, it's clearly a fan product of the works of Alejandro Jodorowsky. But the actors are quite good in their roles, and one manages to sit through the film woith relative ease, even if it doesn't ever really deliver as good as one would want.

★★ 1/2

Tezuka's Barbara (Japan, 2019)
Dir. Macoto Tezuka

 
The pinku film seems to follow pretty clearly the godfather of manga Osamu Tezuka's comics. It is a story of a regular guy becoming increasingly obsessed by a homeless girl he meets on the streets of Tokyo. Like most pinkus I've seen, this one is quite slow with very few and not very graphic sex scenes. The ideas and obsessions around sex are more important than the act itself. There are a few scenes of note here that remind of Tezuka's odd sense of humour and richness of his imagination. But as a whole, the film is quite stilted, not utilizing what film can bring to the table as opposed to manga. So, this one felt quite dull in the end.

★★

Klovn The Final (Denmark, 2020)
Dir. Mikkel Norgaard

 
After the bit disappointing Klovn Forever, it's fun to see the third part in a trilogy somewhat return to its roots. At this point, Frank Hvam and Casper Christensen's rowdy comedies know what audiences are expecting, and both tease them with it but in the end, also deliver. It's not quite as graphic as the two previous ones, but altogether it might be ruder. It's crazy funny, at least.

The movie opened in Denmark just before the Corona crisis, so it's weird to see it tackle self-isolation for a length of its time. However, since an embarrassing mishap has cost them their trip in Iceland, Frank and Casper have to hide out in a vacant house next door to Frank's family. One small lie leads to bigger and bigger ones, and the strain to Frank's marriage in particular is stretched to a breaking point. Casper works as a ruthless id, caring little about anything else besides getting laid and getting the two into bigger and bigger troubles.

Not all of the film's gags quite land, and they are eager to set up some scenes that they oddly drop off at the blink of an eye. But when a good joke is laid out, waiting and then suddenly given an unexpected punchline, one can't help but to fall over laughing. I laughed, I cried, I hurled.

★★★★

Rabid (Canada, 2019)
Dir. The Soska Sisters

 
Even if 1977's Rabid isn't the most popular film in David Cronenberg's filmography, it is still risky to even attempt to redo one of the corner stones of the body horror movement. The Soska Sisters realize this, and while the end result is definitely going to split viewers, I do think they managed to update the ideas to a modern setting quite well. Maybe this should be a Re:Make blog post later on?

The new version downplays sexuality and the inner shame caused by it, as seen in regular horror movie tropes. The idea this time around is more like a feminist satire showing a woman being punished by outside forces for showing initiative in general. Timid fashion designer Rose (Laura Vanderwoort) isn't getting the recognition she deserves until she has an accident and an experimental skin operation to fix it. Too bad it also makes her a Patient Zero in a vampiric disease that starts to wreack havock.

 

It's kind of a wonder how ahead the curve the Soskas were last year. The vampire disease and the reactions of it, ranging from trying to shrug it off and continuing as if nothing is happening to outright maliciousness of trying to benefit from people dying, seems like satire from the reactions to COVID-19. There's even a barb at the police violence against poor people that have the disease. The Soskas make plenty of changes to the original, with a lot of emphasis on a sisterly relationship, and a thoroughly bonkers final reveal to match. All the bitterness surrounding the depiction fashion industry don't quite work, but the film bursts with ideas enough that one can give or take a few clunkers as something entirely else is just around the corner.

★★★★

The Gangster, The Cop, The Devil (Akinjeon, South Korea, 2019)
Dir. Lee Won-tae

 
Supposedly this south korean crime actioner is based on actual events of a mob boss testifying in court against a serial killer. It does deliver some grisly violence, surprising twists and well-rounded characters. The actors are wonderful, especially Ma Dong-seok as the burly kingpin who has to revalue his pendant for violence and need for revenge as an even more ruthless murderer (Kim Sung-kyu) tries to kill him. There are only shades of grey here, as the cop (Kim Mu-yeol) himself is a corrupt gambler and a drunk, happily spending his spare time in mob-owned casinos. The film is well-done entertainment, but has a bit of an abrupt ending, like you would expect from a TV series, and it doesn't really feel to have a central idea strong enough to really elevate it into a classic. 

★★★

Dolls (USA/Italy 1987)
Dir. Stuart Gordon

 

Night Visions also paid tribute to the late horror master Stuart Gordon with a screening of his classic horror-comedy. Dolls may not be quite among the very best of Gordon's filmography, but as is usual for the director's oveure, it is better than you would think. And it's generally thought to be the best of producer Charles Band's various killer toy movies that also include the Demonic Toys and Puppet Master franchises.

For the hardcore horror buff, the film might be a bit childish, though. It's central character is a little girl (Carrie Lorraine) and all the adult characters are overplayed caricatures, like you would find in a Roald Dahl book. They also meet similar grisly ends in a magic mansion filled with creepy dolls, or getting turned into dolls themselves. There are a couple of rowdy punk girls, evil yuppie stepparents, a weird elderly couple, and a plump but well-meaning dweeb (Stephen Lee). 

While the plot isn't anything terribly extraordinary, nor scary, the film is kept reasonably short and gives a few good one-liners to chuckle now and again. The puppet effects are kind of crude, but kept in a way that makes them mysterious enough. That was some of the magic of Gordon's filmmaking, he always knew how to stretch his budgets to suit the storytelling he aimed for.

★★★

Three Laughs: Showgirls

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

Three laughs case file #36
Showgirls (USA, 1995)
Dir. Paul Verhoeven 

Now, Showgirls is a cult film in the proper use of the term. It has a devoted league of fans that know the movie by heart and recite its lines. But even they can't really come to an understanding on whether the film is actually any good or if it's funny just because it's bad. There's even a new documentary called You Don't Nomi (2019, dir. Jeffrey McHale) that makes arguments for either case.

I am more than willing to give director Paul Verhoeven the benefit of a doubt. After all, the crazy Dutchman has always provoked and in the meantime made some of my favorite movies of all time. But one has to also know that he's a bit of a perv, and even if he's doing a scathing movie of the treatment of young women in the entertainment industry, one can be sure he makes it gaudy, ridiculous and more than a bit male-gazey. Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas gets even less of a benefit of a doubt.

But the thing that makes Showgirls an entertaining movie is that it refuses to belong to any one box. It is more than happy to keep switching its tone, taking different aspects and running with them, and refusing to give easy answers. It's dumb, it's weird, and the acting in particular is all over the place. It is not an entirely successful movie, that much has to be said. I think one gets quite weary of it during the lengthy run time. But there's certainly the required laughs to be had in following Nomi's (Elizabeth Berkley) career from a stripper to showgirl to a genuine star.

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. Some people in McHale's document claim to realize the film is very bad from the first scene onward. I feel like it's a bit heightened, but a true reveal on how the film is going to be is after Nomi arrives to Las Vegas and loses all of her belongings to a thief pretending to be a Samaritan. A kind soul (Gina Ravera) offers to help her, but also makes the mistake of asking her where she comes from. Nomi, just trying to eat a basket of fries, doesn't have any of it, throws the fries away and gives a wonderful delivery of the line "DIFFERENT PLACES!"

2. I think the film's funnest scenes include the super-bitch star Cristal Connors (Gina Gershon), and the All About Eve -style one-upping between her and Nomi. The film's funniest scene comes from the bonding at a restaurant they seem to have between eating dog food, and loving a perticular brand, Doggy Chow. To add up to the scene's oddness, they also toast chips when finding common ground.

3. I just have to include the bizarre sex scene between Nomi and the sleazy rich boy Zack Carey played by Kyle McLachlan. They head out to a neon-lit pool for a bit of the old in-n-out, which Nomi performs similarly as her striptease, mainly throwing her legs around Carey and flopping on her back like a fish on heat in dry land. It's wet, it's wild, but it ain't erotic, I tell you that much.

Three laughs: Ebola Syndrome

 

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

 

Three laughs case file #32:  
Ebola Syndrome (Yi boh lai beng duk, Hongkong, 1996)
Director: Herman Yau

Has there been a pandemic going on long enough that we might have a bit of a black-hearted laugh about it? I recently had my Covid tested, and even that experience was enough for me to want to have a laugh at this shitty disease's expense. Or perhaps at the assholes who spread it because of no regard for public safety.

Today's film tells the story of one such individual. It is also a notoriously nasty and outrageous film, that could only have been made in liberal Hongkong in the 1990's. They used to have this CAT III rating that allowed directors to truly push boundaries, which resulted for a lot of erotica, but also some very out-there movies.

Herman Yau's Ebola Syndrome is nasty in every sense of the word. It has a kind of racist approach to the disease spreading in Africa at the time, showing natives therein being just primitive tribespeople. The film's main character Kai (Anthony Wong) is one of the nastiest bastards in all of cinema history. A brutal sociopath, misogynist, rapist and murderer, he is a Triad henchman on the run from his bosses to Africa, where he catches a disease. He returns home to become a cannibal chef at a burger joint (in a move parodying the more straight-faced The Untold Story).

The film itself pushes the viewer's buttons and provokes at every turn. The approach is something akin to Troma movies, but made with a better budget and sense of cinematic shots. Yau is not a bad director, but he approaches the sort of nihilistic edgyness that was hip in the 90's, but a bit tiresome now. Ebola Syndrome doesn't apologize for anything, it is a throughly slimy and mean-spirited movie, and proud of it. And, for certain sorts of viewer, also very funny. Viewer discretion is adviced.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The film's opening scene sees Kai having sex with his bosses' wife and getting caught in the act. The boss orders the sniveling underling under a golden shower, which shows quickly on what kind the film's sense of humour is. Nevertheless, the shlubby-looking Kai soon reveals that he is more cunning and ruthless than appears, and brutally murders everyone else in the room.

2. The film's racism could almost be seen a parody of some old-school shockers, such as Italian cannibal movies. The shocking conditions in Africa, for instance, show pig corpses intended for food being stored in broad daylight next to human corpses. Needless to say, they get churn into hamburgers anyway. Both pigs and corpses.

3. But dead people in a bun are not the most disgusting thing the film serves. Later on, we see Kai listening in on some next-door love-making while relieving himself on a piece of meat. Of course the same piece gets then thrown into a pan and served to customers. If this movie teaches something, it's taking distance and remembering at least some resemblance of hygiene.

Three laughs: American Kickboxer 2

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

 
Three laughs case file #31:  
American Kickboxer 2 (USA, Philippines, 1993)
Director: Jenö Hodi

Let's kick two flies with one stone. Since we've been very interested both in bargain-bin VHS action movies and foreign movies from around the world, here we have a cheapo actioner that's been done in the lovely Philippines. American Kickboxer 2 has nothing to do with the first film in the franchise, as the case with sequels always should be.

It's a dumb-as-rocks -kind of film that also has its tongue firmly in cheek. Nevertheless, it has a borderline soap opera kind of plot. The film concerns a rich family's small daughter getting kidnapped by a SWAT team in a helicopter. As the parents can't go to the cops, Lillian (Kathy Shower) makes a shocking revealation to her husband Howard (Police Academy's Tackleberry, David Graf): he's not the father of the girl, it could either be his violent ex-husband David (Evan Lurie) or the girl be a result of a casual fling with a local playboy Mike Clark (Dale Cook). Luckily, both of them are cops, martial artists and men of action. Not so luckily, they despise each other and the situation they are put in.

The film's actors are hilarious to watch as Cook can barely act and just stumbles around stupidly, and Lurie is so off-puttingly aggressive it's impossible to feel any sympathy for either of them. But then, they get into bar fights, shootouts, prison riots and even an underground fighting ring around every corner. As a travel commercial for the Philippines, it really doesn't work. But as far as B-grade action movies go, this one is a keeper.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. As we're somewhat copying the buddy cop -format from movies like Lethal Weapon, one thing the film needs is a Joe Pesci -like comic relief. Or rather, not. When the main characters first meet they immediately hate each other, and start to fight at a McDonald's parking lot. Maxin Ross, a local club owner, plays a weaselly guy that has an objection since the beat-down is happening on the hood of his car. He runs his mouth a bit, but is mercifully kicked in the head soon enough.

2. The main characters bickering to the point of fisticuffs is a running gag throughout the film. My favorite scene comes when, just as another of their fights is about to start, they suddenly duck out from a drive-by shooting. As Lurie thanks Cook for saving of his life, Cook smugly retorts there's no debt since they saved each other. But Lurie just takes this as a realization nothing is stopping him from sucker-punching his partner to the face. As Cook falls, he also hits his head to a steel door behing him. But then we immediately cut to the next scene where he's walking around as if nothing happened. This is basically a Tom & Jerry cartoon with real actors.

3. It turns out that our dynamic duo has a secret ally infitrated in the criminal leagues, a guy who's a dead ringer to the director Peter Jackson in a beret. He makes his infiltration in a memorable way. As everyone is distracted by watching the captured heroes fight each other to the death, he goes to put two cockroaches from a jar to a guard's leg. As the roaches run up his trouser leg, the guerd is distracted for a moment and then klonked in the head. Smooth.

Three laughs: Parole Violators

 
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #27:
Parole Violators, USA 1994
Director: Patrick G. Donahue

You might know that I tend to love action movies more when the cars in chases are rusted-up old lemons and the actors seem to be picked from a local gym or bus stop. And as dumb as they come. In this case Parole Violators is a home run for me.

"We're ALL potential Video Cops!"

The film concerns a vigilante going around with a video camera to beat some sense to store robbers and the likes. But he also seems to know their names and criminal histories. In actuality, it is the mulleted ex-cop Miles Long (Phil Donahue) who also hosts a local TV crime show.

This article is dedicated to the memory of Cops, an irredeemable piece of propaganda that for years colored the public eye for police brutality and treatment of the poorer classes. Fictional world at least gives us a canvas through which we can better handle the ideas being fed to us. In this case, of course, they are being given as dumb and ineptly as possible which makes the movie such a laugh riot. This film is not really even a narrative per se, more a showcase of various stunts like getting hit by a car or falling from any height. The final showdown in particular is a shooting range that constantly keeps upping the ante with more and more inventive kills.

Anyway, Miles himself soon gets to see that there are cases he can't solve with his camera as a guy he helped put away comes after him and his family. He and his girlfriend must survive a gauntlet after they are kidnapped by a small army of thugs.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The first laugh comes from the opening scene that shows the masked Video Cop stop a convinience store robbery. It shows everything you need to know about the movie, with a lot of roundhouse kicks thrown, cardboardy sets destroyed and wilhelmy cartoon screams added on the soundtrack. My favorite move is Video Cop hitting the robber on the head with his own camera. I gotta wonder how that footage will look on Miles's show.

2. One of my favorite scenes is a woman-on-woman fist fight that ends with the bad girl's head getting impaled to a nail sticking out of a wall. The female lead (Pamela Bosley) quips "Hope you got you tetanus shot, bitch."

3. It gets increasingly crazy on just what the main characters are able to survive as the movie goes on. A particularly insane climatic scene sees Miles getting shot twice while on a roof, but as he's sliding down, he chances the clip on his handgun and shoots baddies as he falls down, landing on his back on a crappy car. It's an image of the entire movie, none of the Lethal Weapons ever did anything so excoiting.

Three laughs: Hologram Man

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

Three laughs case file #22:

Hologram Man (1995)

Director: Richard Pepin

Hologram Man is one of the cheapo direct-to-video films made by PM Entertainment Group. A lot of their oveure are pretty basic action movies that run like clockwork, delivering plenty of explosions and gunfights for the buck. In the mid-90s a lot of films tried to go futuristic with cyberspace and -punk themed movies aplenty. Hologram Man seems to have been made after seeing the trailer and production stills for Strange Days.

I reality, the film plays more like an even dumber version of Demolition Man without any of the satire from the script of that one. Basically, it is a crime / revenge story that holds futuristic technology as close as magic. People die, but live on as vengeful holograms that may get plastic skin to pass off as living once again. There are bug-ugly hair aplenty and a surprising number of character actors getting an easy paycheck by popping by the film.

In a futuristic LA a terrorist called Slash Gallagher (Evan Lurie) is sentenced to a cyberspace prison wherein he becomes a hologram. But five years in, his goons release him as a (gasp) deadly hologram. Now it’s up to renegade cop Decoda (Joe Lara) to stop Gallagher’s terrorist plans and his holographic form from wreacking revenge on him and the tech company that created him.

Three laughs (SPOILERS): 

1. In the beginning this may seem like any other LA-set action movie, with a chase scene shot at the reservoir at dawn. Slash Gallagher and his goons hijack a bus á la Speed and cop cars chase them. But since they had no budget to do them all, it's borderline amazing when some cars appear, set-dressed to look like Death Race 2000 vehicles. But they explode in huge fireballs all the same. Even the costuming seems to be half modern Terminator 2, half dystopian Mad Max with eyepatches and silly-looking plastic garb especially on Tiny Lister's character throughout.

2. After the shootout, we have a sex scene that comes from out of nowhere. It's as graphic as the one in The Room, and ends just as abruptly. We had to get the vital information about our hero Kurt Decoda. Mainly, that he's good at fucking.

3. All the "science" in the movie is highly suspectible. But you don't need me telling that it's totally silly they make prisoners into holograms. Instead, the movie has Blade Runner's William Sanderson as an evil tech expert with a truly goofy hat. When Gallagher's hologram is released, there's a silly scene where he demostrates liquid polymeric plastic by dipping his arm into it. Of course there's a molding machine for Gallagher that creates a sort of fake skin for him. Wouldn't you know that this machine is a true Chekhov's gun and a baddie gets tossed into it in the finale?

"What about Slash?" "He's slashed to me."