Three laughs: Parole Violators

 
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #27:
Parole Violators, USA 1994
Director: Patrick G. Donahue

You might know that I tend to love action movies more when the cars in chases are rusted-up old lemons and the actors seem to be picked from a local gym or bus stop. And as dumb as they come. In this case Parole Violators is a home run for me.

"We're ALL potential Video Cops!"

The film concerns a vigilante going around with a video camera to beat some sense to store robbers and the likes. But he also seems to know their names and criminal histories. In actuality, it is the mulleted ex-cop Miles Long (Phil Donahue) who also hosts a local TV crime show.

This article is dedicated to the memory of Cops, an irredeemable piece of propaganda that for years colored the public eye for police brutality and treatment of the poorer classes. Fictional world at least gives us a canvas through which we can better handle the ideas being fed to us. In this case, of course, they are being given as dumb and ineptly as possible which makes the movie such a laugh riot. This film is not really even a narrative per se, more a showcase of various stunts like getting hit by a car or falling from any height. The final showdown in particular is a shooting range that constantly keeps upping the ante with more and more inventive kills.

Anyway, Miles himself soon gets to see that there are cases he can't solve with his camera as a guy he helped put away comes after him and his family. He and his girlfriend must survive a gauntlet after they are kidnapped by a small army of thugs.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The first laugh comes from the opening scene that shows the masked Video Cop stop a convinience store robbery. It shows everything you need to know about the movie, with a lot of roundhouse kicks thrown, cardboardy sets destroyed and wilhelmy cartoon screams added on the soundtrack. My favorite move is Video Cop hitting the robber on the head with his own camera. I gotta wonder how that footage will look on Miles's show.

2. One of my favorite scenes is a woman-on-woman fist fight that ends with the bad girl's head getting impaled to a nail sticking out of a wall. The female lead (Pamela Bosley) quips "Hope you got you tetanus shot, bitch."

3. It gets increasingly crazy on just what the main characters are able to survive as the movie goes on. A particularly insane climatic scene sees Miles getting shot twice while on a roof, but as he's sliding down, he chances the clip on his handgun and shoots baddies as he falls down, landing on his back on a crappy car. It's an image of the entire movie, none of the Lethal Weapons ever did anything so excoiting.

C is for Castellari's Crimes

 During this blog's long history, I've had the chance to talk about Enzo G. Castellari's Eurocrime movies a couple of times before. Here's the review of High Crime and here The Day of the Cobra. Castellari was always one of the more entertaining Eurocrime directors, taking note from American action of the time rather than having more emphasis on commenting the social issues and inherent corruption within the system like some of his peers.

That's not to say his films are just purely fascist mouthpieces glorifying police violence. Castellari is not a toothless director and he has a certain way of having both empathy for the criminals with their backs against the wall, as well as criticisms for the police force's excessive use of force. It may not be exactly the perfect time to revalue these now, but there are some grains of wisdom sprinkled throughout. I think at core Castellari is a lot more humane than many other, more nihilistic Italian genre directors.

Street Law (Il cittadino si ribella), 1974

The face of Eurocrime, Franco Nero himself, plays a timid engineer who gets caught in a post office during a robbery, taken hostage and then mugged as the crooks make their getaway. Afterwards, he gets angered with the police's poor handling of the case and decides to infiltrate the criminal organizations in order to get some justice. Things get more complicated as he befriends a small-time-crook, played by Giancarlo Prete.

The film has some plot elements similar to the same year's American hit film Death Wish, but instead of having a liberal character straight-up lose his humanity due to tragedy like that film, it is clear that Nero's character still has strong empathies as he's trying to protect his friend through a criminal underworld getting increasingly violent. The character is not infallible, making dumb mistakes along the way, but still miracously not getting killed. Nevertheless, the journey drags him through the mud and punches him in the gut.

Castellari first highlights standing up to the violent underworld similar as standing up to fascism in WWII, but then muddies the waters more so as not to make a clear line of right and wrong. There are some irredeemable psycopaths on the crimal side, but also people with their backs against the wall, just doing what they can to survive and to get out of a bad hand dealt to them. The film is light on shoot-outs and car chases, but makes each of them stand out and have a maximum impact. The resulting gem is among the very finest works of both Castellari's career, as well as the Eurocrime genre as a whole.

★★★★

Cold Eyes of Fear (Gli occhi freddi della paura), 1971

Since it's darker, noirish tones and strong suspense, many would categorize Cold Eyes of Fear as a giallo. However, it's visual stylizations are just something that was popular at the time it was made. The plot has more elements similar to some of the more brutal Eurocrime films and thier home invasion or kidnapping subgenre. The film concerns a young lawyer (Gianni Garko) in London picking up a girl (Giovanna Ralli) and takes her to his uncle's house, only to find out there is a gunman (Julian Matteos) hiding out in the same house. He is waiting for a backup (Frank Wolff), attempting to get their revenge on the uncle, who happens to be a judge (Fernando Ray).

The film has a superb swinging soundtrack by Ennio Morricone that can also shift gears when the scenes get more disturbing and suspenseful. The film's weak point is its bungling its cenral mysteries. First of all, its not much of a mystery of waiting to find out why the would-be assassings want to kill the judge. Secondly, the siege situation is dragged on a bit too long for its own good.

Many similar movies, like Almost Human or Hitch-hike get thrills out of big villanous characters and their nastiness, whereas here the characterizations are a bit lacking in interset and they are not properly fleshed out. Here, there's not enough development, except on Ralli's Anna on the very last moments of the film. The visual, film noirish flare of the film saves a lot for fans of giallo, but other wise it seems it is a bit middling in its qualities.

★★★

The Big Racket (Il grande racket), 1976

Towards the end of the 70's, Italian crime films started to take more note on movies like such as The French Connection and Dirty Harry. Thus, they also started to center around tough guy cops roughing things up. In the hands of more capable directors, the police brutality was also criticized and these sort of characters were more like anti-heroes, playing western outlaws at their own amusement and not for the betterment of society.

Fabio Testi's Nico Palmieri is a prime example of a character like this. Rome is taken over by ruthless gangsters, and he takes upon himself to kill just about everyone that comes in the way of his handling of the case. The police superiors are furious at this, trying to have a more bureaucratic approach, that is also ineffective. At the same time, the gangsters also up their violence and go from extorting cash in a small Italian town to torture, rape of women and borderline terrorist strikes.

The film is built like a freight train, with not a moment going by without some new action scene, more ante on the grittines or dramatic development on the case. They are also mostly stuff everyone has seen and expects out of cop movies, just taken to extremes and bigger stakes. With modern eyes, the film has a lot of questionable qualities, from the nasty rape scenes to the depiction of police brutality of a necessary evil to battle violence. But Castellari is still not happy about it. The film is more of a cry of anguish of a circle of violence beginning to engulf everything around it.

★★★ 1/2

The Heroin Busters  (La via della droga), 1977

Many of Castellari's films have some level of western in them. It is perhaps the most clear here. After a globe-trotting opening that sees Fabio Testi as a short-fused cop and David Hemmings as a cold-blooded Interpol agent take down drug lords around the world. These two must learn to co-operate to take down the head of the cartel in Italy. And this is done mostly by having car chases and fist fight around.

The film seems a lot lighter than the other fares into the genre, even the violence is mostly suitable for kids. The movie has the ingredients for something great, but seems at times to be a bit unsure of itself and just shoving out faces with big showstopping action scenes. Thet are plenty well directed, though. There's a great chase scene through a construction site, and in the finale Testi himself piloted a small plane giving chase to the main drug lord. That last scene does resemble a bit too much of an airshow, though with all the tricks possible to do with two planes being utilized.

This is more of the mindless entertainment Castellari began to give us towards the late 70's and 1980's. His earlier work had something to say, but it seems that when he upped the grittiness and the violence, he also managed to burn himself out on these. Nevertheless, his steady quality does make him one of the most notable directors of the era, and especially of the Eurocrime genre.

★★★

Michael Winner in Memoriam

It was very saddening to hear the passing of the British director Michael Winner on January 21st. He was aged 77. Since then, a lot of other beloved, interesting movie folk have passed as well. Night Visions Back To Basics -festival this weekend had a special screening of Death Wish 3 in memoriam of Winner, a true sleazy master and creator of a truly unforgettable classic. So, lest we forget the wine- and fancy dinner-loving, punk rocker and poor people -hating renegade, I take a look at the first three Death Wish films, his most popular work.

Death Wish (1974)

The nominal, original vigilantist movie, the film sees a peaceful architect getting pushed too far and starting to solve New York's crime problem by killing off muggers. Winner prides himself of having done ground-breaking work with this film. According to the director, American heroes had not killed other civilians in a modern-set movie before. While not strictly true, it was a new, novel idea on a mainstream film and subsequently this film became a big success.

Korean war veteran Paul Kersey (Bronson) shrugs off the news of New York City's rising crime numbers, thinking they are caused by poverty rather than the corrupted youth. Yet when street punks break into his own apartment, killing his wife and sexually assaulting his daughter, he starts to see the situation differently.

Kersey starts to prowl the streets, waiting to get mugged only to beat up or kill the attacking criminals.
As it happens, Kersey's extreme approach to the problem brings solutions and crime rates start to drop as citizens are inspired by the mysterious vigilante and his actions. Detective Frank Ochoa (Vincent Gardenia) must decide whether to capture the vigilante or to raise his hands, allowing him to clean the streets one thug at a time.

The film is suitably gritty and sleazy, a real serious affair. The film is very close of actually being as good and ground-breaking as Winner says, if not for one thing: Charles Bronson. Don't get me wrong, I love the wood-faced lug, but as an actor, he just doesn't have the chops. The film would require a regular man spiral out of control, to have a real-seeming death wish, if you will.

Bronson, however, seems like he's going to murder a couple of punks on his way to the store from the get-go. Even while his character goes through an emotional rollercoaster, Bronson remains kind of stoic and unmoved. Only at the end does he seem to develop a kind of an enjoyment in harassing street punks.

It's an outrageous, entertaining film thats till works quite well on his own. But as it was, Kersey's adventures were far from over.

★★★ 1/2

Death Wish II (1982)

Having been ran put of town at the end of his first vigilantism affair, Paul Kersey has since settled to live in Los Angeles. Which, as everyone must know, is far from being a crime-free city. He takes care of his daughter Carol (Robin Sherwood), who still hasn't quite recovered from the traumas she suffered back in New York. Kersey is also dating a new woman, Geri Nichols (Jill Ireland).

Of course life doesn't hand good cards to Kersey and one bad run-in with a gang of punks leaves them hungry for vengeance. So, they assault his housekeeper, kidnap and rape his daughter, which drives poor Carol to jump out of the window to her death. So, Kersey returns to his old, murderous vigilantist ways. And the cops realize this too, and contact New York and Detective Frank Ochoa.

This part II is one of those sequels that offers little beyond more of the same. There is some more outrageousness in the kills and Winner seethes with even more hatred and distaste in the modern youth and their punk culture. The grittiness and sleaziness has bulged to the point of making the hinges creak. Yet Winner does manage to keep the tone of this still relatively serious, mostly by keeping the pace still quite slow and the action inglorious, fast and ugly.

The film has a cynical ending that's even more open than the previous one. As New York's crime problems seemed to at least have taken a turn for the better, now the only thing at stake is Kersey's personal vengeance. he does get it, doesn't get caught, keeps working as an architect and feels somewhat satisfied at the end. But the film does question whether he actually had any affect in the overall situation, killing criminals out of personal reasons rather than because it is the right thing to do. According to Winner, at least.

★★★

Death Wish 3 (1985)

It should be noted that the Finnish name for these films is Väkivallan vihollinen, which means An Enemy of Violence. It does somewhat work on the first one (the title stems from the name of the book the first film was based on, I guess), but gets more ridiculous the further the series goes. None more so than in the third part, since there's not a single enemy of violence in the film. Everyone thinks violence is a reasonable solution to crime problems, from little old ladies to police officers to attorneys. And Kersey is of course a champion of this viewpoint.

At this point it is forgotten that Kersey used to be an architect, as he is now characterized to be more or less a drifter. An old west drifter, to be exact, arriving to areas of unrest to bring Old Testament -style justice to wrongdoers. Now Kersey returns to New York to visit an old war buddy, only to find he has been murdered by a local street gang, led by Fraker (Gavan O'Herlihy), keeping a whole neighborhood in terror.

Since the police is also fed up with the gang's reign of terror, they offer Kersey a deal of looking the other way while he does what he does. Kersey sets up in the old apartment of his friend, making friends of his neighbors, and of course ordering the hugest handgun the world has seen to start cleaning up the streets.

Cheerfully fascist, Winner shows every dead punk as a reason for rejoicing. Bronson himself found the film a bit distasteful, maintaining that the idea of the series is that violence stems violence. Indeed, Kersey's actions stem an entire block war, with booby traps and closeted old war relics being brought up to kill as many gang members as possible.

The disregard of human life goes to ridiculous lengths, making this one of the most purely enjoyable of 80's action films. It's not a mean feat, because Bronson himself has grown older, and the scenes which require him to run from gunfire in particular are laughable. But Winner knows he can shoot rotten youngsters getting shot in an infinite way, and gleefully exploits this notion to the point of pure mania. The explosive finale in particular is an incredible idea of a pure creative genius and madness in the same package.

★★★★

So rest in piece Sir Michael, your films still bring us great amounts of pleasure, as could be seen in the Night Visions screening, with a hooting and applauding audience loving every minute.

The other two Death Wish films were not directed by Winner, so I won't include them here. But fear not, I'll find another way to write something about them as well.

HIFF 2012: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Not that it matters much, but I'll try to pick up on Love & Anarchy reporting for this year. After all, I'm not even halfway through all the films I saw in there. But no matter, plenty of them were good enough to digest for a while and to report through a longer stretch of a time allows for a deeper look into them. This post focuses on the films that lingered on somewhere between reality ond pure fantasy, whatever that may mean.

Beasts of the Southern Wild (USA)
Director: Benh Zeitlin

This year's Love & Anarchy opening film gathered a lot of buzz at Cannes this year, and was praised from Earth to Heaven. With such an overkill on praise, it's easy to be disappointed in the end result. It's a very good film and more than suitable for the choice of opening film of the festival. But while it was praised for being a wholly original piece of filmmaking, it's more or less the same story as Terry Gilliam's Tideland had a few years back, albeit with with more grace and with subtler mentally handicapped people.

In a fictional Deep Southern village of Washtub, lives the six-year-old Hushpuppy (Quvenzhané Wallis) in a run-down shack. Her mother has long since left so she attempts to bond with her father Wink (Dwight Henry). Unfortunately, Wink has severe mental and heath problems, and isn't too happy about them and is prone to bursts of anger. Hushpuppy has learned to more or less take care of herself, with the help of the other villagers. Hushpuppy has an active imagination and gets lost inside it from time to time. When a tornado threatens the village, Wink and Hushpuppy rekindle their relationship, but the desperate situation also calls for desperate acts. Hushpuppy also ventures on an adventure to find her mother.

The film is visually very inventive, with some amazing sets that look like they've been lying around for years having actually been created from scratch. The overwhelming flood of striking imagery makes the viewer feel like a six-year-old him- or herself, being amazed of the vastness of the world and all the things in it. That's probably why the film had such a strong response.

But this in turn also brings with it a sense of helplessness. We can't do anything to hold Hushpuppy's family together, or even to make her act sensibly to grow up to be a proper adult in time. Basically the characters are archetypes, but have enough flaws within them to make them somewhat well-rounded and interesting. The main problem however, seems to be that it throws so many things in the air and quickly ties up the knots at the end. For instance, there isn't enough on he community and it's coping by the end, although it seemed like a major element in the beginning.

But nevertheless, for a first-time director, Benh Zeitlin has created an amazingly confident piece of work. It has been helping that the director and the crew form a strong creative collective that have supported each other with their decisions and visions. I'm looking forward on what this group creates next.

★★★ 1/2

Love or Anarchy: Mostly Love, but with a big dose of Anarchy thrown in for good measure

Chicken with Plums (Poulet aux prunes, France/Germany/Belgium)
Directors: Marjane Satrapi, Vincent Paronnaud

This film was first screened at Espoo Ciné, and after Love & Anarchy it was chosen as Film theater Orion's Movie of the month, so there have been plenty of times to see Marjane Satrapi's adaptation of her own comic book. I'm a bit ashamed I haven't read the comic this is based on, although even the film version is unmistakably of the comic artist's signature style.

The film tells the story of the final days of the famed violinist Nasser Ali Khan (Mathieu Amalric).  He decides to die when he can't find pleasure in life any more. Initially, it appears that his reasons are purely due to him hating his family and his displeasure of getting a new violin after his old one is destroyed. But cut scenes to the future, to the past and to Iran's mysterious legends reveal new sides to Ali's character and his story.

The film opens a bit slowly, but once it gets going it grows on the viewer more and more. It's easy to symphatize with Nasser Ali, since he hates his own obnoxious kids. This is basically a romantic film masqueraded as a fairy tale. For all the imaginary characters, basically this is a story about a broken heart and an unrequited love, much in the same way as, say The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. Since I'm a totally cynical bastard, this is the sort of romance I like.  The little comic touches and segments are just the plums to sweeten the already tasty dish of chicken.The film sells itself well as unpredictable and a little anarchistic in that most anything can happen at any given time.

There are several cool animated sequences thrown in for good measure.

The hilarious parody of American sitcoms is of course the easiest possible target, alike to shooting fish in the barrel, but it still made me laugh to my tears. The mythological side is also well-realized, with a suitably mixed style of comic book art and reality. The most memorable of these scenes is wonderful Angel of Death, Azraël, played with curiosity and mellowness by Edouard Baer. But make no mistake, this is Amalric's time to shine. At times, it feels like he's in every French film made these days, but watching his subtle performance here, one can't help but to admire the sheer skill and nuance he brings to his best performances.

★★★ 1/2

Love or Anarchy: 50-50 on this.

Holy Motors (France/Germany)
Director: Leos Carax

Cranky old French auteur Carax has crawled back from the sewer he has dwelled for at least four years (it's been 13 years since his last feature film). And his new film has created a lot of buzz, for it is something not often seen. A purely art house film consisting of mostly sketches and sequences with only a very loose thread tying them together. It does seem the director would be more comfortable with short films and segments in anthology films today.

Stating the plot of Holy Motors is to do an interpretation of sorts, so here's how I see it. Monsieur Oscar (Denis Levant) is a prolific, rich man going to work on a limo one day. His job requires him to wear masks and make up and to do odd tasks around Paris. His first job requires him to dress up as a beggar, and his second as a degenerate sewer-dweller, eating flowers at a graveyard, and to disrupt a fashion photo shoot. He kidnaps the model (Eva Mendés) and takes her to his lair in the sewers.

She'll sing a lullaby to him.

But he still hasn't lost it and is soon back to business. We begin to get the hang of what's going on as he does movements in a motion capture suit, and proceeds to have sex with a woman walking in in a similar suit. Riding inside the limo, it is revealed that invisible cameras are following him around the day. His jobs get more and more intensive, and he is, for instance, required to brutally murder a few people. Truth and fiction are at all times hard to separate, even when M. Oscar goes to pick up his daughter at a friend's party. Finally, he settles home with a bunch of chimpanzees. But what does his limo think about all of this?

Carax is commenting on the state of cinema today, looking for a realistic digital shooting style, while aiming for more and more extreme situations and preposterous stories. Every time the audience is able to grasp an even small strand of plot, Carax destroys it by reminding we are watching a movie. This bitter love letter is at times hysterically funny, but it gets repetitive and pretentious towards the end. There's no good reason half an hour couldn't be trimmed from this.

It's basically a development of some of the ideas Carax has already done. For instance, the monsieur Merde sequence is a clear development of the director's segment in Tokyo! That doesn't make it any less funny, although this is a comedy clearly aimed at high-brow cinema buffs that can reflect their own disgust with modern films through this anarchic piece. Carax doesn't solve any of the problems he posits, and certainly doesn't save cinema with this work, although some of the more eager critics have suggested such.

★★★

Love or Anarchy: Pure Anarchy

Himizu (Japan)
Director: Sion Sono

Sion Sono's new film has become an annual event as much as Takashi Miike's at Love & Anarchy. The prolific director is always able to comment on Japan's recent events, national psyche and culture in surprising, shocking and innovative ways. After two darker psychological thrillers, Sono returns (in a way) to the twisted teenage romance of Love Exposure with his latest film. It brings a welcome emphasis on his wicked black humor, but overlays the melodrama by the end.

At another village ravaged by natural disasters, this time in shantytown in the seaside Tokyo suburbs, lives the only child of a family disintegrating. The teenaged Yuichi (Shota Sometani) finds he has to support himself since his mother is whoring around, and his father has disappeared since becoming seriously indebted to yakuza. He begins a string of shady businesses and lending out his beach house, but he's having trouble collecting money fast enough for the yakuza still feels he owes them for his father's loans. Back at school, quirky girl Keiko (Fumi Nikado) has grown an obsession on Yuichi, and notices his absence from school. She will stop at no ends in following him around and attempting to help him cope in his ever-growing desperation.

Whereas most American post-apocalyptic (that is to say, post-9/11) films had an uplifting theme of uniting people to cope with their losses, Sono has a lot more cynical outlook on human nature here. He argues that our so-called civilization hangs by a threat and a strong enough catastrophy may bring out desperation that allows violent impulses to take over people. The desperation tears us even further apart from our already disconnected lives. Yuichi becomes tangled in a web of violence, murder and vigilantism.

But Sono does believe in certain goodness in people nevertheless. He is a firm believer on love for redemption of people. In the end, Yuichi can't manage his situation by himself, he realizes he needs Keiko and his foster-father figure Shozo (Tetsu Watanabe). Shozo is the film's most interesting character, a self-claimed former millionaire eccentric, who has lost everything. But his love for his friend Yuichi makes him go behind his back and risk his very life to save him from yakuza. It's really a shame the end half of the film focuses so much on Keiko's and Yuichi's relationship, with Shozo being sidelined.

As I mentioned, the teary-eyed melodrama and weltschmertz of the final scenes of this film fall a bit flat and leave a bad aftertaste in the mouth. Otherwise the film features many of Sono's great strengths - great characters, shocking brutality, surprising story developments, the satirizing of Japanese culture and a pitch black sense of humor. I'm particularly enamored by the scene of literal gallows humor - Keiko's parents building gallows in her room for her to kill herself and spare them from the high cost of her living.

★★★ 1/2

Love or Anarchy: Even though at the surface it may seem like an Anarchy-heavy piece, the heavy melodrama puts it firmly in the Love corner.

The Stars of The Expendables 2

Not long ago, I was browsing for DVD's at my local megamarket, when I happened to see two young boys, about 10-year-olds looking at Die Hard blu-rays. They were totally awe-struck by the plot synopsis at the back of the disc, which promised "one man against a whole skyscraper full of terrorists". The best action films of the 80's will endure for many generations to come, it seems. And for us older fans, the nostalgia trip back to the Golden Age of muscle-films is also upon us. The Expendables are back with a new film, so what better time to look at some of the best work the film's ensemble cast did back in the day? Arnold Schwarzenegger is out of this post because I have a whole series devoted to his films, which I really should continue one of these days.


I seriously think this should be the official theme song of the movie.
Stallone:
First Blood (1982)
Director: Ted Kotcheff

The Vietnam veteran John Rambo (Stallone) arrives to a small American town of Hope, Washington to say hi to an old war buddy. He hears his friend is dead due to cancer caused by inhaling Agent Orange back in the day. The saddened Rambo goes to get a bite to eat, but is stopped by the local sheriff, Teasle (Brian Dennehy). The sheriff doesn't like shaggy, long-haired veterans with five 'o clock shadows in his town. So Rambo is arrested for no reson and tried to shave. But seeing a razor blade gives Rambo a fit and he quickly attacks the entire police precinct and escapes into the woods. A battle of wills and wits begins, as the police start a campaign to catch him.

Would you allow this man to walk around freely at your peaceful town?

Stallone became a major star with Rocky films, and subsequently his adaptation of David Morell's novel was modified a bit to fit his star status. So in the movie, Rambo really doesn't kill anyone, just wounds. The two deaths of the film are more or less accidents, caused by the police's obsession to get Rambo (three deaths, if the officer Rambo throws out of a window didn't make it). Most notably, Rambo doesn't kill himself in the end, which undermines the tragic story of how Vietnam ruined a man's life. Indeed, Rambo's sequels also lessen the impact of the story of a man trying to struggle with his violent past. Since Rambo finds his will to live, he also finds his will to kill. And while the USA hasn't much use for the perfect killing machine home, they can always ship him abroad. All in all, First Blood's either too serious or not serious enough. If the lead role had been given to a real actor, or the director had a better vision, First Blood would be a classic. Now, it's more or less just the prequel, a curiosity piece to the much more Reaganist, in-your-face, violent, Rambo: First Blood Part II.

★★★

Statham:
Crank: High Voltage (2009)
Directors: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor

Jason Statham is kind of an interesting case in The Expendables' casting, in that he still has an action career that doesn't just rely on repeating his past glories. He's sort of the last real action hero still standing (since John Cena has made far too few movies these past years). Given that, his most popular films, The Transporters and especially the Cranks, kind of rely on the action movie tradition to make even the slightest bit of sense. Like the name implies, Cranks parody action movie tropes by cranking everything up to 11; the speed, the violence, the boyish humor, the sexist view about women, the racism, and the ridiculousness. But even though the first one did this pretty perfectly, the problem and the foil of the sequel is that it has to be bigger and even more ridiculous. It becomes painfully obvious that even the makers don't take any of this seriously. While this sense was very thin in the first one, it was still there.

Crank 2 has a massage to the audiences.

Chev Chelios (Statham) was dropped from an exploding helicopter about a mile into the ground in the end of the first Crank. But since he's more or less indestructible, he of course survived. But the Chinese Triads still have a bone to pick with him so they steal the unconscious Chelios and steal his heart. For some reason they also replace it with a contraption that constantly needs electric shocks to operate. So this allows Chelios to go on a rampage to catch the culprits and exact his revenge. Along the way he must also get his girlfriend (Amy Smart) back, since during the hours he has been declared dead, she has taken on a career of stripping and forgotten all about him.

So director-writers Neveldine and Taylor indulge in every dumb idea they ever had. So the film features, for example, a 16-bit video game segment, a fight where Chelios and his opponent grow into giant Kaiju monsters (as blokes in suits, of course), and a cheesy talk show segment that deepens Chelios' character a bit. Such an attempt on a character that's essentially a cartoon is a bit pointless, but at least he isn't too thoroughly explained. We already know what makes him tick; shocks, murders, strippers, running around, fucking around (figuratively), and fucking around (literally). The sheer outrageousness of it all does cause a good laugh or two on the first viewing, but there's little reason to watch this again, since the shock value disappears so quickly.  But it is an admirably crazy movie, and Statham is an admirably crazy movie star.

★★★

Li:
The Legend (Fong Sai-Yuk, Hong Kong 1993)
Director: Corey Yuen

Jet Li should probably be on this list for his American action films, but I thought c'mon, I just reviewed Kiss of the Dragon, I'm not watching Romeo Must Die or anything for this post. For me, Li is the perennial wuxia character due to numerous 90's roles in Chinese martial arts movies, whether from Hong Kong or mainland China. Fong Sai-Yuk is a poster child for such films, as it is about an ancient Chinese legend, and it features romance, comedy, and epic fighting. Not always evenly mixed, mind you.

Fong Sai-Yuk (Li) is a martial arts master in a small Chinese village, yet chooses to keep his talents hidden from the rest. He falls in love with Ting-ting (Michelle Reis), the daughter of the gangster Tiger Lui (Sung Young Chen), who's looking to gain influence across the region. Thus, Lui arranges a contest to give his daughter's hand to the most skilled fighter, who can defeat his wife Miu Chui-Fa (Joephine Sia). But there's foul play afoot, and Fong Sai-Yuk forfeits, and gives his mother Siu-Fa (Sibelle Hu) a chance to compete disguised as a man. This makes Miu fall in love with her. But while all this farce of mistaken identities goes on, there is a secret society plotting to overrule the Emperor. The government's agents are hot on pursuit to find the list of names in the socety. As Fong Sai-Yuk's father is a member, it is up to him to keep the list safe.

So, the plot is quite complex as they tend to be in wuxia epics. If the Chinese legends are not familiar, one must keep on one's toes to keep up. But the action scenes are beautifully realized and the coreography is a marvel. The rural setting while fighting over national issues, also works quite well. The whole cast is good, and Li actually is a bit sidelined since his character has little personality, besides nobility, ambitiousness and love for Ting-ting. But the plot does need an anchor to revolve, and Li does that role in similar movies very well. That's why he's also a good choice in ensemble action films in America, rather than a movie star that drives his own stories as well.

★★★ 1/2

Lundgren:
Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991)
Director: Mark L. Lester

Lundgren's films are often panned, since they are usually cheap straight-to-video stuff. The huge Swedish bodybuilder worked great as a villain in Rocky IV and Universal Soldier, but less so as a hero in his own films. But it's not really Lundgren's fault, for he has the necessary physique and the same twinkle in his eye as Arnold in his best roles. Dolph just chose his roles poorly, and made some flops that ruined his career, such as Masters of the Universe. But for a view of the Lundgren that could have been comes this classic action spectacle from the director of Commando that's just as hilariously awesome and good.

For instance, it has Lundgren dressed like this. But shirtless most of the time.

Detective Chris Kenner (Lundgren) is raising his own private war against the Japanese mafia, the Yakuza. He is partnered with the young, wisecracking Asian-American cop Johnny Murata (Brandon Lee) who doesn't know much about Japanese culture, but can kick some mean ass (and is probably also interested in Kenner's ass). Particulary in Kenner's aim is the ruthless boss Funekei Yoshida (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), who gets off on murdering call girls. The friend of one of Yoshida's victims, Minako Okeya (Tia Carrere) comes to Kenner and Murata for protection. But the vengeful Yoshida has his bones to pick with the whole lot of them and thus sends his boys over.

A buddy movie, or something more?

The film has everything a man could want; shoot-outs, tits, and bizarrely violent scenes courtesy of Yoshida's over-the-top nastiness. His death scene is also one for the ages. The film's blatant homoeroticism comes through in a lot of the banter between Kenner and Murata. The most famous example being Murata's would-be last words complimenting the size of Kenner's penis. Carrere is a good beard, even though all her nude scenes are obviously done by a body double. Lester isn't afraid of anything, not even breaking the laws of physics time and time again. For example, Kenner can survive a speeding car coming towards him by jumping over the car. He also flips a car over to craete a shield/huge explosion that allows him to escape from a gang with machine guns. This film is lean, mean and outrageously enjoyable. With 75 minutes of running time, ther isn't anything close of being boring in here. It's a film to be enjoyed over and over again whenever one has the time.

★★★★

Norris:
Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)
Director: Steve Carver

I might get a roundhouse kick in the face for this (I'd deserve it), but Chuck Norris is probably the worst action star on this list. The dude has no acting talents, no charisma, and what karate skills he may have had when he was young are rarely, if ever, presented in his later works. But he does have two settings, walk and kill. Also, Norris does love the Texas Rangers. This film features the first time he's played one, and his character here was later toned down for the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger. This is also one of the very few Chuck Norris films I've seen that's also kind of enjoyable to watch.

The opening also really tries to sell this as a modern western.

So "Lone Wolf" McQuade is the sort of Ranger that keeps peace with the use of his extended weaponry. The Mexican border doesn't leak any dirty Mexican drugs whenever McQuade is on the case. But his Lone Wolf abilities have estranged him from his ex-wife and daughter, even though he still loves both of them. At a carnival, McQuade sets his eyes on a new woman, Lola Richardson (Barbara Carrera). But she is also the object of affection to the rich plantation-owner Rawley Wilkes (David Carradine). And Wilkes also has some businesses that don't stand the light of day, so he orders a hit on McQuade. When the Ranger survives, he wages a war against the ruthless kingpin, and attempts to take him out before his loved one's lives are in jeopardy.

It's hard to think of Chuck Norris as an everyman, but that's the image the movie attempts to sell us. He lives in a dirty shack, where he practices his skills with a sawed-off shotgun in the background shooting gallery. In his refridgerator there's nothing but beer cans. Beer is actually a recurring motif in the movie. Richardson attempts to set McQuade straight by replacing his beers with vegetables, which drives him into anger. They have filthy, filthy make-up sex on the yard in a mud pit (seriously). Beer also saves McQuade's life later on, when he's buried alive. He regains consciousness and strength by pouring beer over his head (notice this, all you party people).
 

Chuck does get a chance to show his karate skills this time around, because he's battling David Carradine of all people. But the real beef of the movie is in the massive explosions, shootings and all-around weaponized carnage. Those scenes depicting it are so good, they make even the more boring scenes such as Chuck pining for his old family, somewhat tolerable.

★★★ 1/2

Van Damme:
Kickboxer (1989)
Directors: Mark DiSalle, David Worth

Talking of karate masters that DO know their shit around. Van Damme is an actual martial artist and he will show off his remarkable skills (and splits) in any given movie. I actually didn't see too many Van Damme movies growing up (unlike most of these other guy's movies), so I've only discovered his body of work in my adulthood. But I've got to say, many of his movies hold up good even today.

And he also knows how to PARTY!

One of his best works, this early effort shows Van Damme in his element; fighting in an underground fight tournament. In the beginning his character Alex Sloane is more or less just an observer, trying to talk his brother Eric (Dennis Alexio) from taking part in this tournament. Of course, Eric refuses since he clearly has a death wish. Then he gets killed in the ring by the tough and ruthless Tong Po (Michel Qissi) with his brutal Muay Thai moves. To avenge his brother, Alex travels the world to meet a martial arts master Xian Chow (Dennis Chan) in a Thai jungle and to learn the secrets of Muay Thai. But the bad guys also take notice in his development and decide to stop him from ever completing his training.

This movie is almost like the archetypal martial arts movie. A personal tragedy to fuel the want of vengeance as a motivation, lots of training scenes and faux eastern wisdom, and of course a spectacular final fight with some of the sickest moves you've seen. But being stripped to it's bear essentials really works for this movie. Given his star-making turn in Bloodsport, the aw-shicks, naive character of Van Damme is surprisingly believable and without a hint of pretentiousness. He does gain confidence and cockiness during the course of this movie, but since his expressions more or less vanish due to his training kicking in, it's hard to tell. There's a lot of similar films to this one, but there's some sort of a soul or heart in this that's hard to replicate. Or maybe it is just the violent, brutal fights, I don't know.

★★★ 1/2

Willis:
Die Hard (1988)
Director: John McTiernan

We end this article as a full circle, coming back to the ultimate action film. There's no denying that Die Hard changed the face of action cinema altogether. It began the crumbling of unstopplable muscle-men and began the era of the everyman hero. It's beutifully executed plot, that runs exact like clockwork, was also so effective that about every action movie before the Matrix imitated it in some effect. But what most other action movies didn't succeed in doing, was have a script as razor-sharp, a cast as perfect, and social critique of 80's yuppie-and-other-suitmen-owned LA as bitter.

"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs."

I'm sure most of humankind knows the story of Die Hard. Well, actually no, because the younger generation may be interested in the film without having an older brother/cousin/friend's older brother show the film on VHS/DVD/Blu-ray, so I might as well recap. The blue-collar working Joe, and down-to-earth kind of guy John McClane (Bruce Willis) arrives to Los Angeles for Christmas. He's meeting his estranged wife Holly and kids after a long while and is hoping to patch things up with them. But his Holiday plans change as he's visiting the Yukatani corporation's Christmas party, and the whole skyscraper is raided by European terrorists. McClane tries to alert the police, but soon finds out he's the only one he can trust in such a tricky situation. But luckily he's a real cowboy and ready for straightforward action. Without outside help, McClane must face off against a super-group of fiendishly clever, cruel mercenaries led by Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman).

AKA The Greatest villain of all Time

So like I've mentioned, McClane's enemy isn't really only the terrorists, but secondarily almost all of LA itself. From the media, to would-be yuppie negotiators, to the stiff police force authority figures, to dumb Vietnam-vet FBI agents, every one just makes the situation worse before it gets any better. The swarmy Euro-trash are ready for anything just to gain a few bucks, which might be a bitter parallel to the financial world of the time. They don't have any principles, but are willing to cheat they have some by ripping off articles from Time magazine. The by-the-numbers American authorities can't deal with that. The only kin McClane finds is another low-level police officer, Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson), who he contacts via a walkie talkie. But his most important ally is his wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), who somewhat drives the plot. Holly in particular is an interesting character since she is torn between the surface-level LA go-getting career missile life, and the role of a supportive and appreciated wife of a hotheaded, but loving husband. In the end, the final victory only comes when she lets go of an empty status symbol and give herself entirely into the other role.

Who wouldn't want to kiss this man?

But even though the film is open for such class-ponderings, at it's heart Die Hard is still a kickass  action film with superb setpieces, on-the-edge-of-your-seat excitement, and endlessly quotable oneliners. Welcome to the party, pal!

★★★★★