Three laughs: Kinjite - Forbidden subjects

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file # 25:
Kinjite - Forbidden Subjects (USA, 1989)

Director: J. Lee Thompson

I know we are still on the edge about police brutality. Yet the cop-on-the-edge trope is one that's been central to a zillion action movies throughout the years. Now, in movies we usually take the cop's point of view, which tends to show that you may have to break a few rules to get to the goal you're reaching. Meaning, it's ok to use excessive violence if it's for purging streets of nasty criminals, who are evil for evil's sake.

But this is why trashy low-budget movies are more honest than their big budget counterparts. They have less to lose so they say what they mean without diluting the statement. Dirty Harry is a small fry when compared to some of the characters Charles Bronson played at films produced by Cannon Group.

At 1989 Bronson was getting pretty old, so the usual action movie tricks, like chases and gunfights were out of the question. That's probably why they upped the ante and made his character a racist who especially enjoys torturing criminals in inventive ways. When a japanese diplomat's daughter is kidnapped, he must find her even though he realizes that the family's father is the same guy that groped his daughter on a packed bus (or "touched her holiest of holies"). 

Now, the film may have some idea that what Bronson is doing is questionable. But he is proven right in his prejudices in the end, and never faces consequences of killing a whole lot of people, so the point is mute. In fact, the entire film is kind of ridiculous in that it seems to contain a message that the Japanese are perverted and should be monitored. Not to mention latino criminals. So, a fair point is to give this film a content warning. If you can't find anything funny about a film that protects police rights to be racist and violent since "they all deserve it", I totally understand. This is one of those films that make me feel dirty for watching, let alone writing about.

 

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. Bronsons's cop specializes in capturing dirtbags. The first fight ensues when he interrupts a businessman trying to get it on with a teenaged girl. Now, Bronson's pretty old by this point, so he's never in the same shot with a punch or a kick being thrown, resorting more to stuntmen and quick editing. Where he is, however, is when the sleazebag is defeated and he decides to show him what's what. He grabs a handy dildo from his bag and the scene is cut just as he's about to shove it where the sun don't shine.

2. In another scene a latino crook tries to bribe Bronson in a parked car with a gold Rolex. Bronson takes a look at the watch and tells he's like to shove it up his ass. But since that bit has been done already, he reaches for his gigantic handgun and threatens to blow the guy's head off if he doesn't eat the watch. The face he makes after the gulping is one of the most hilarious things in trash movie history. He also burns his car and threatens to kill him "dead in a gutter -dead".

3. Since throughout the film he's tortured and killed suspects without a trial, one would assume that what he has in mind for the sex-trafficing main bad guy is especially horrible. And it is, but in a totally different way. Bronson locks him up in a cell with a bunch of sexed-up Mexican gangsters, including a young Danny Trejo. As the villain howls as he's impliedly raped, Bronson smirks while walking away and quips "Now THAT'S justice". That's this film's idea of justice, all right.

Three laughs: The Last American Virgin

 

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

 

Three laughs case file #35:  
The Last American Virgin (USA, 1982)
Director: Boaz Davidson

It's time to go back to school! I'm not usually big into teen movies, but there's an exception to this rule, a kind of ultimate how-I-spent-my-summer-vacation movie. As it turns out, it's also a straight remake of an Israeli American Graffiti ripoff, Lemon Popsicle. A lot of the modernization of Cannon Group's The Last American Virgin tries way too hard to capture the hearts of 80's teenagers, which makes it so preposterous and funny.

In particular, the movie's soundtrack is full of the cheesiest early 80's ballads you could imagine. The melodrama may suit the teenager mindset when every little crush is a matter of life and death, but it seems quite silly when half the movie is dumb dick jokes. Also the sad sack main character Gary (Lawrence Monoson) looks about to cry at any given moment. 

The film quests Gary and his two meatheaded friends during one summer in a quest to get laid. They find plenty of opportunities, but insecurities keep Gary from gatting any. That, and a love for the new girl in the neighborhood, Karen (Diane Franklin). But sadly, there's a triangle drama as Rick (Steve Antin) picks her up and starts developing a relationship. One of the reasons I find this better than most teeny fare is the more realistic feelings of lovelorniness and unfairness throughout. I'm a cynic, but it feels more comfortable than fairy tales. The end scene in particular is a real coup de grace.

 

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. As Devo's Whip It plays on the background, first we have a nerd peeping into the girl's dressing room, and as he's caught in the act, it devolves into a scene with the entire gym class measuring and comparing their ding-dongs.

2. In a particularly unrealistic scene straight outta the letters column of Penthouse, the boys are seduced by a sexy Spanish woman, alone at home with her boyfriend being a sailor. The boys take turns in entertaining her in the bedroom. As the tubby Victor (Bryan Peck) get's a go, the other boys peep from the keyhole. KC and the Sunshine Band's That's the Way (I like it) plays as Victor thrusts.

3. In what is undoubtedly the best use of U2 in anything ever, I Will Follow plays on the background as Gary has to work his ass off in order to pay for Karen's abortion. It is intercut with the procedure. Yes, this movie has a U2 Abortion Montage.

Three laughs: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

 It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

 

Three laughs case file #34:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (USA, 1986)
Director: Tobe Hooper

It's strange how some horror sequels can get away with a more silly tone, such as Evil Dead 2 or, to lesser extent, Phantasm II (maybe one could also argue Dawn of the Dead). Some that try out similar things are reviled, such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. To be fair, Evil Dead 2 sets a gold standard in horror-comedy filmmaking and others that go that route aren't nearly as good or funny. But that's not to say they are bad movies, far from it!

Director Tobe Hooper has insisted that even the first one is a sort of black comedy. There are perhaps some chuckles to be had from the mad exploits of the Hitch-hiker or the dinner scene late in the movie. Nevertheless, the sequel goes a lot further in this aspect.  The film was made as a part of the director's deal with Cannon Group, which has brought up suspicions that it was made in order to secure funding to the more ambitious Lifeforce (1985), or perhaps earn back a little of what it lost.

The sequel sets out to skewer much more of the Americana than the previous did, with digs about the state of consumerism, media, sexual repression, dual moralism and 80's eat-or-get-eaten capitalism in general. It also dives deeper into distorted ideas of family values. Cannibalism and murder is a way of life, but the film's insane characters also revel in and enjoy it.

Basically the film's plot (such as there is one) is very similar to the one in the previous film. The lady DJ Vanita Brock, or "Stretch" (Caroline Williams) gets kidnapped by Leatherface and his family and must fight to survive in their secret lair, now close to Dallas in order to easier capture victims. Meanwhile Sheriff Lt. Lefty Enright (Dennis Hopper) is out to avenge the disappearance of his son in the previous film. This time, though having a "Chainsaw" massacre is not just empty talk, and power-tools buzz for a lengthy part of the movie. It's also made pretty clear on which body part these long blades are meant to be an extension of.

 

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The very first scene makes clear the intentions and approach of the sequel as opposed to the first. A bunch of obnoxious yuppie teens hoot and holler, and blow people's mailboxes as they're driving to a party on their minivan. But when the night falls, they get a taste of their own medicine as a zombie geek jumps on the youngsters' car. In fact it's leatherface doing a bit of a puppet show with a corpse and soon gives them a show in the use of a massive chainsaw as well. Oingo Boingo is playing on the background for this scene.

2. The film's biggest new character, Chop-Top (Bill Moseley) is a truly slimy and obnoxious dude, out to make Stretch as uncomfortable as possible. It's almost a relief when suddenly Leatherface burtsts through the door. But the clumsy oaf can't catch Stretch as she makes good use of a fire distinguisher runs through a safety door.  Instead, he manages to injure Chop-Top's head, revealing the metal plate he got in 'Nam. But he woes more of the destruction of his terrible Sonny Bono wig.

3. Towards the end there's a touching but blackly comedic scene of Lt. Enright finding the remains of his son, which happen to be a gruesome skeleton on a wheelchair. He proceeds to destroy the entire lair with his own chainsaw. He comes to Stretch's rescue later on and declares himself "The Lord of the Harvest". But Leatherface isn't going to let the guy threaten his family, culminating in a once-in-a-lifetime duel with chainsaws. This was this franchise's high point. It was all downhill from there on.

Three laughs: Ninja III The Domination

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.  

★ or ★★★★★

Three laughs case file #30: Ninja III: The Domination
(USA, 1984)
Director: Sam Firstenberg

It's kind of odd that I've not yet featured any Cannon Group films in this column. Perhaps I've gone on even cheaper thrills than the relatively cheap but still Hollywood productions of the company started by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. The main idea of Cannon was to populistically grab onto any trend that might attract customers of the 1980's film landscape. Enter the Ninja.

As the world started to open up in the 80s, ninjas were some of the exotic thrills provided by foreign countries that managed to work wonders within the action movies. They made for good enemies for any action hero, but there was a sense of mysticism and magic in them that they could also carry entire movies as protagonists. Shô Kosugi was one of these crossover stars that first started as a villain yet grew into a surprisingly popular leading man.

As Cannon's Ninja trilogy goes, I've covered the Franco Nero -starring first part here before. While I might prefer the second one, Revenge of the Ninja, it is a close call and there's a lot more cult movie vibe in the third one, titled The Domination. For as Golan and Globus wanted to capture trends, it is not just a ninja picture, but rips off other popular films of the time, such as Poltergeist and Flashdance.

Yes, the story is of a female aerobics instructor that gets possessed by the spirit of a vengeful ninja, and must strike to kill at nights. She needs the help of Kosugi's wise old ninja master in order to defeat the evil. The film could have been a star-making turn for Lucinda Dickey, and the idea of a female lead in a ninja action movie is kind of progressive. It's too bad she can't be a fighter by her own right but has to be possessed in order to be able to take men on. The way to go about it is nothing short of crazy, so we might gawp and gather the highlights into a text such as this.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The movie has one of my favorite opening action scenes of any action movie ever. It's the best action scene of the movie, so it's a bit of a letdown that the rest of the movie can't hold up to that one. After a short intro of a man visiting an ominous ancient temple, a black ninja (David Chung) appears on a golf course to an entourage of polo-shirted white guys. He enrages them by squeezing golf balls into powder. He proceeds to hack and slash them to death which starts out a non-stop 10 minutes of pure action I won't go beat-by-beat here. Suffice to say the ninja lifts a running golf cart and stops such a hard hit from a golf club with his hand, the bar bends around it.

2. Soon after rich guys are offed, the action moves to cops pursuing the ninja. He lifts a ride from a helicopter and kills the cops within it, making the helicopter explode. Just as you think the scene is over as the ninja is hiding in a pond, breathing through a reed, he gets discovered and blows some poison darts to a cop through the reed and starts killing cops once again. Talk about making bacon on a beach.

3. I have to talk about the other side of the film, which sees Dickey's character be escorted by a cop (Jordan Bennett) since she is eyewitness of the Black Ninja's crimes. She ends up seducing him in an amazingly 80's apartement with arcade cabinets, neon lights and Duran Duran albums. Like a scene from The Naked Gun, she takes a can of tomato juice out of somewhere and pours some on her neck. Is this bizarre idea supposed to be sensual?

Three laughs: The Barbarians

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of themselves, and it is an even better pleasure to find some trash that keeps surprising you than watching most quality films. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you can't believe what the film is showing to you. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

The Barbarians (1987)
Director: Ruggero Deodato

In the 1980's, the once lucrative Italian film industry started to diminish, with directors turning to churning out cheap knockoffs of American hit genre movies for VHS markets. The barbarian picture seemed to be a particularly popular of them, since peplum movies had been big before, in the 50's. And to make one, you really didn't need any more than just a very muscled main actor, a sword, a desert and lots of muscle oil.

The Barbarians was co-produced by the legendary American B-movie company Cannon Films. The original director was the Serbian Slobodan Šijan, but he was replaced by the man behind Cannibal Holocaust, Ruggero Deodato. For a Deodato movie, the end result isn't as dark as one would think, and the nihilism is kept strictly below the surface. The film's world sees hippie-like natural people getting easily brutalized by stronger hands, and gives little hope for any brainier activity to have much use in the world or there to be any non-violent way to solve conflicts. The Barbarian Brothers (Peter and David Paul) bumble their way through a fantasy landscape, with little agenda of their own and never, ever, giving any thought into anything.

It's a very casual movie for a genre that usually features a larger-than-life threat and some operatic melodrama. As it happens, it is probably the best Groo the Wanderer adaptation one could ever hope for. With twice the Groo!

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The first 20 minutes or so are pleyed relatively easy as far as Italian genre movies go. Michael Berryman from Hills Have Eyes is included in a group of nasty desert warriors who kidnap a woodland hippie queen and take her sons captive. They are seperated and raised to be barbarian gladiators, fighting against bigger and bigger opponents for sport. The first laugh of the film comes from when it is decided they should fight each other, and they are given the first pieces of dialogue. The Pauls really aren't much of actors, and it seems to take everything they have in their heads to try to pronounce words somewhat correctly. But the film is written as they argue with each other all the time. So, there is a contrast of two child-minded muscled barbarianmen arguing unconvincingly and fighting nonchalantly against horders, while Berryman throws more and more goons into finishing them off.

2. The film seems to recognize many of the other faults of the leading men, even making fun of them at points. I especially love the scene where during an espionage mission, they happen to peek into a tent which happens to feature a harem of beautiful ladies. The reaction the Brothers have for this is to do a noise, which is sort of a mixture of an excited yell of a bull in heat, and the wheezing laughing struggles of an asthmatic who has heard the most hilarious joke in the world.

3. The producers, Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, were notoriously cheap, so in their pictures everything that was possible to do cheaper, often was. Case in point was the sets and the special effects. The film manages to have a halfway convincing dragon, which looks like a roasted pig, for about two seconds of screentime. The fun begins when it gulps down our heroes and we see how he looks on the inside. It looks like a tunnel with blue and red christmas lights and a fog machine. Who knew dragons had a techno club inside them!