Sequels to Prometheus

Today is the world premiere date of the highly anticipated new Ridley Scott film Prometheus. Unless I'm much mistaken, it will make a mint at the box office. And in Hollywood, success means sequels! But fortunately, since I'm currently traveling through time, I had the good chance to see actually four different sequels to Prometheus, each directed by a well-known name! So keep your eyes peeled because I have a feeling we haven't heard the last from the universe of Prometheus yet!

Alien (1979)
Director: Ridley Scott

OK, time to come clean. The link-bait that I am, I actually took on to review the Alien saga as "Aliens" is one of the most regular search results that has brought visitors here. And like Ridley Scott has taught us before, those strange and wonderful visitors are something we should fear, if we are to keep our virginal faces intact.

With the rate it's been parodied, remade, homaged and flat-out stolen (it seems, by Ridley Scott himself as well), it's hard to believe there is still someone who doesn't know the story of the film. The mining ship Nostromo lands on a distant planet to look for the sender of a distress signal. They find the planet deserted and the distress signal to be ancient. But one of the crew members, Kane (John Hurt), has an unfortunate run-in with a creature described as a "face-hugger", that latches itself in his face and won't let go. A day passes and the hugger drops dead. But Kane and the others have some all new worries, as an infant alien creature bursts through his belly. it's up to the other crew members to find the alien, hiding somewhere in the Nostromo, before it kills again.

At it's core, Alien is a serious remake of John Carpenter's Dark Star, co-written by Dan O'Bannon. O'Bannon had a lot of fun with blue-collar space workers with Carpenter's film, and it featured them searching for a deadly alien on board their spaceship. In that case, the alien was a red beach ball with some tentacles. Scott wisely elected for something more sinister and went to the Swiss surrealist H.R. Giger for designs. Suitably for a film that concerns sexual subtexts, the main alien was to look like a combination of a huge penis and vagina dentata.

Scott's film is a seminal ponderous 70's sci-fi film, and that is why it moves along quite slowly. Viewers accustomed to the faster pace of the sequels might well forget that. But we also get to hang around with the crew quite a lot, and see that the future isn't as glamorous and fabled as it's seen in most other sci-fi epics. They still need working class slobs to do the heavy work. One of the theses of the film is as to how far are these poor souls expendable for company's gains. The person representing these views is in fact discovered to not even be human, but an artificial copy. The maternal spaceship computer also shows HAL-like qualities while being completely true to her actual mission. These ideas are quite progressive to be found on a film made in an age before the neo-liberal profit-before-everything-else agenda has poisoned all businesses and politics.

The other major subtext, as I mentioned, is sexuality. Scott made sure as to write every character as asexual before casting the actors. The alien presents the primordial sexual fears of penetration and castration at the same time. Rape and pregnancy are fears here for the both sexes, and the aftermath of them both are bloody. There are no clear romances between the crewmen aboard, so there's no cheap teen slasher flick moralizing. At the time the film was made it was very progressive to see who would in the end turn out to be the strongest-minded and the one person able to destroy the sexual threat. But there is a sense of exploitation and stripping down just for the hell of it to get asses into seats.

Alien is an impressive work, but for me at least, impossible to look nowadays without seeing the legacy it left behind, which wasn't for smart thrillers, sci-fi, or horror movies with subtext to emerge, but to bring back the monster movie, and try to duplicate everything on display here as cheap as possible.

★★★★

Aliens (1986)
Director: James Cameron

The sequel, on the other hand, kicks unholy ass. James Cameron didn't rely on making as subtext-heavy sequel, but had enough gravy to make the beef tastier. This is an action film about the war traumas of Vietnam and the mentality of an American soldier (or rather, space marine).

Ripley's (Sigourney Weaver) escape capsule is found 57 years after floating in space in suspended animation. When finally rescued and awoken, Ripley finds out that no one knows of the Alien threat. In fact, the planet Nostromo's crewmembers found facehugger eggs on, has been colonized. Contact with the colony has also recently been abruptly ended. A team of hard-assed space marines are sent to investigate and to rescue the survivors, with Ripley working on a consultant should they run into Aliens. And they do.

Image courtesy of Rob Clifford.

Ripley, alone, abandoned and confused, puts her trust into new people in the film's beginning. As it turns out, the slimy yuppies are untrustworthy and just want to use her for their own gains. The decades that have passed have changed nothing. This time the real people representing the company were much less humane than the artificial man. Ripley overcomes her prejudicm against androids by the end of the film. But Ripley's real triumph is to build a new core family.

Newt (Carrie Henn) is a ten-year-old that has been the sole survivor of the Alien attack. Ripley shows her responsibility by taking her under her wing. By the end that also means she has to go out her way to protect her. Ripley embraces he motherhood instincts she didn't have the chance to with her own daughter 57 years ago, as she was far away, mining planets. Ripley also manages to find a suitable suitor (altough this is only implied) with Michael Biehn's Cpl. Hicks. He's the only man level-headed enough to survive, while others are prone to be over-confidently macho (William Hope's Lt. Gorman) dumb, or too whining and immasculine (Bill Paxton's Pvt. Hudson).

The men break their true character when they, for the first time, see war as a chaotic battle with no means of control. The American idea of going in headfirst and just shooting everything that moves is not such a good idea against a hidden, organized enemy that knows their surroundings better than the invaders. Unlike Vietcong, Aliens can also move underneath the floorboards and have acid for blood. The loss of control and attempts at gaining them are core issues here, as is rooting for the underdogs to survive while the jocks can't figure out what to do. And all the while it is ridiculously entertaining to watch it. Aliens is truly one of the very best action films of the 80's, a big dose of both masculinity and critique of it.

Aliens proved to be at least as influential as the film that preceded it. And not just in movies, but in videogames. Space marines fighting off huge hoards of disgusting alien monsters has become a haystay of the medium ever since, and probably will stay that way. 

★★★★★

Alien^3 (1992)
Director: David Fincher

If a franchise has spawned two genre-defining classics, then it should be hard work to get the second sequel off the ground. Sadly, more often than not the makers just embarrass themselves, Godfather III style. The third Alien movie went through years of development hell. 20th Century Fox couldn't even come to terms on what exactly should be the main setting or the main hook. Some ideas were quite interesting (a wooden monk planet directed by Paul Schrader), while some seemed doomed to fail (Renny Harlin directing an even bigger action film set on Earth). What was clear that in many aspects, the ending of Aliens had to be undone.

So, our hard-luck heroine still couldn't get rid of all those pesky xenomorphs. A face-hugger crept into their ship at the end of Aliens and caused it to crash. Hicks and Newt die, and Bishop is junk metal. Ripley wakes up to find she's the sole woman on a prison planet. A new xenomorph is born out of a dog (or a slaughtered ox depending on which version you are watching), and runs amok on the planet.

The former music video director Fincher had a horrible time shooting the film. Fox executives seemed intent on watering down every idea he had, and thus the film simply cannot break any new ground. This is his Dune, a film he loathes so much he still renowns the film (every cut of it, no less). It is for all intents and purposes a retread of the first Alien, with attempts at a moody thriller where people get killed one by one. But rather than to cube all the fear, paranoia and social commentary, the return diminishes on all these categories. What is left is a cynical, overtly Christian fable of self-sacrifice. Which is made so cheesy that one can't get at all worked up about it.

I'm prepared to admit I'm a little extra bitter about the film just because it so willfully destroys my beloved Aliens. On the one hand, I appreciate that the film is willing to distance it so much with a very well-loved genre film. These days with internet fanboy outrage it probably couldn't be done. But, as with every other good idea the filmmakers may have had making this film, they don't manage to take the idea anywhere. The result is that the film repeats the early scenes of Aliens, with Ripley disoriented feeling the loss of her family and seeing only the future of dog-eat-dog, kill-or-be-killed. Also, Alien^3 doesn't get going as fast as Cameron could, but lingers on the melancholia and sadness. I'm all for cynicality if it is based on some insight. Here, it just works to remind that the world is bad and the people are rotten. The film's sex-hungry prisoners are so bad, they even have two Y chromosomes (this is a joke, right?). The faux-british accents and horrible dialogue don't do any favors. Even they are saints when compared to their self-obsessed wardens.

One can see at embryonic states some ideas that Fincher came to develop in Se7en, such as a "pregnant" soon-to-be-mother having doubts whether the world is too rotten to raise a child. Here, of course, the baby is a xenomorph, and the people in the film are worse than they are. The worst thing about the film is that it's so goddamn boring. It's easy to see where it is heading at each time, so it won't come as a surprise that everyone else dies, except Ripley and that she decides to do the ultimate sacrifice instead of allowing the xenomorphs be exploited by the Weyland-Yutani corporation. The imagery is once again stark, creepy and beautiful, particularly in the Special Edition, where Fincher is allowed to linger on them for a little more. That cut is a vast improvement otherwise, too, with some of the stupidest scenes removed from the film. But there really isn't that much interesting stuff to replace it with, either. The thing doesn't develop the characters, or the situation, enough for it to be in any way worth watching, whatever the cut is.

Theatrical Cut: ★ 1/2
Special Edition: ★★

Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Director: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

The most maligned of all the sequels is Amélie and Delicatessen director Jean-Pierre Jeunet's attempt to revitalize the genre. The film does have a huge share of flaws, but at least it attempts to break some new ground and the end result is more watchable than Alien^3 in every way. I only have very few films that I feel a bit guilty about liking, but this is so hated, it is definitely in my short list of actual guilty pleasures.

200 years after the events of Alien^3, Ripley and the Alien queen inside her are cloned. The Queen is successfully removed from her body, but the cloning process has given them both some qualities from the other. Ripley is all, "here we go again", and "you gonna die, boyeee". And she's right, because soon the Aliens attack the Resurrection ship and it's passengers. Some of whom are Space Pirates for some reason.

Pirates need water to survive!

The actors and characters in the film are both its greatest strength and it's biggest weakness. One cares infinitely more about Winona Ryder's Call, Dominique Pinon's Vriess and Ron Perlman's Johner than anyone except Ripley in Pt. III. But still, the direction for the actors is simply atrocious. One can easily see Jeunet couldn't speak much English and thus the quality varies form here to here. Dan Hedaya steals the early film with his delightfully malicious General Martin Perez that's so over-the-top he wouldn't be out of place from Romero's zombie films. Jeunet also brings a lot of goofiness and comedy to the film. I almost had a vibe as if the film had been engineered to destroy the franchise, much like Joe Dante's Gremlins 2. But it is probably unintentional.

But in any way, the film captures the zeitgeist of the 90's much in the same way the first two films did. The film concerns itself with the problems of genetic engineering and cloning. The most telling scene about this is the one where Ripley meets an incomplete clone of herself that begs to be killed. What rights to the dead have to be cloned? Are people the property of their genetic code holders? The military complex's biological warfare has developed a whole new layer of evil. And also the sexual undertones of the Alien films are taken to grotesque new levels, with disturbing imagery that's borderline pornographic. Jeunet also knows how to handle the visual side, and the dark, technical spaceship interiors feel familiar and brand new at the same time.

There are plenty of thrilling scenes, the underwater dive with Facehugger eggs on the surface is easily the most exciting and well-executed. But then, they had to spoil the whole thing with the unbelievably stupid last twenty minutes with one of the worst monsters in motion picture history. I would like to think Kevin Smith got the inspiration for the Golgatan in Dogma from this Newborn creature. Still, the film is a lot better than Delicatessen co-director Marc Caro's attempt at sci-fi Dante 01, so Jeunet should be proud.

★★ 1/2

In The Year 2000

Welcome back! The world of movies is moving so fast currently that it's hard to keep on top of things. That's why I figured that right now its time to look....into the future!
"The future, Paavo?"
Yes that's right (enter guest's name here)! Its time to look all the way... to the year 2000! Even the ancient Mayans prophecized that the year 2000 would be the time in which the world comes to an end. Undoubtedly this is why 2000 has inspired so many filmmakers unleashing various visions of dystopian futures upon us. We should be fearful when looking forward to 2000. Surely, the nuclear war between the United States and Soviet Union will become before that futuristic year.

Joking aside, not just cheesy 70's and 80's sci-fi flicks have taken the number 2000 to imply futurism. When the year 2000 actually was upon us, a number of sequels also put two extra zeroes to basically say that this is not your dad's Blues Brothers or something to a similar effect. This kind of market-oriented thinking usually tells what you should expect the film's quality to be. 

Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)
Director: Michael Coldeway, Michel Lemire

The sequel to the classic 1980's adult cartoon anthology takes a different route from it's predecessor and features only a single, long story. It is based on a graphic novel by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman, made with Simon Bisley and Eric Talbot. But in effect, it is one of those sequels that pretty much misses the point of the original movie altogether and just makes a broad-stroked caricature of it as a result. Heavy Metal 2000 is crass, loud, obnoxious, dumb and clichéd.

An ancient, evil force that manifests itself as a glowing green object (that's different in every way from the one in the previous movie), takes over a nasty space pirate/miner named, um, Tyler. As a result, Tyler goes power-mad, kills his co-worker for no reason, and attempts to seek out the secret of immortality. For some reason he stumbles upon a planet called Eden and kills everyone. Well, not everyone as he kidnaps the beautiful young Kerrie, as he believes her blood will somehow help him discover some secrets of immortality. But Kerrie's older sister, the fierce warrior Julie isn't too happy that her home planet has been freshly labeled F.A.K.K.2 (Federation-Assigned Ketogenic Killzone) and starts to pursue Tyler and attempts to find out a way to kill him. Those retarded acronyms are a source of the film's retarded sense of humor, although otherwise it is all played overtly serious. But still not serious enough for it to be funny.

Gone are the beautiful, stylized, and differing animation styles from the first Heavy Metal. In the sequel, the animation looks like a bastardized version of Titan A.E. Particularly the film's computer effects are horrendous, and the long space scenes showcasing them are dreadfully boring. They are balanced by scenes of carnage or Julie showing her boobs for no good reason. The film doesn't deliver on the second half of its name, either. All the cool 80's rock from the previous film has been switched to dreadful turn-of-the-millennium nu-metal. When the soundtrack's high point is the Billy Idol track from the end credits, you know you're in trouble. As a matter of fact, when your voice cast's most famous member is Billy Idol, you're also in a a lot of trouble. If ever there was a film for dumb assholes who only care about tuning cars and getting laid, I'd rather they watched this abomination than the original Heavy Metal.

★1/2

Holocaust 2000 (1977)
Director: Alberto DeMartino

Satanic horror films were all the rage in the 70's, and of course cheapo Italian producers decided they wanted their slice of the cake. Thus, they hired the acclaimed screenwriter Sergio Donati and director Alberto Martino to basically rip off The Omen, which had premiered the previous year. The resulting film is a sort of mirror of it's time, threatening us with the loss of tradition in order to earn money, and the risks of nuclear power.

Kirk Douglas stars as the construction magnate Robert Caine, who's on the verge of the deal of his life when he makes a deal to build a nuclear power plant in the Middle East. From the constructs he discovers some ancient ruins and writings about someone called "Iesus", but he doesn't pay much attention. But he then starts to get haunted by Doomsday prophets, mysterious ill-meaning bearded men, bad omens and horrifying dreams. When he sees in his dream that his power plant is actually the seven-headed Beast of the Apocalypse he realizes what's going on. His son Angel (Simon Ward) is actually the Antichrist, trying to bring out Armageddon using his plant. And Robert's pregnant lover Eva (Virginia McKenna) and his wife Sara (Agostina Belli) also play major parts in this plan.

Despite some delirious imagery, the film doesn't really pick up steam enough to be very interesting. Some odd madhouse scenes aside, this isn't even outrageous enough to be a good camp movie. Violence comes as some friends of Caine get killed while trying to figure out Angel's plans or stopping them. Their demises are quite familiar for those having seen The Omen. Even the presence of Douglas doesn't help too much, as he seems to be on auto-pilot and his only expression seems to be worry. He does burst into violent rage in a couple of key scenes that are welcome change to the boredom of him being undecided on what to do next. A rich tycoon is also not a very good movie protagonist, even if he is flawed and sinful, as he's hard to sympathize with. All in all, I figure these sort of films work better in Catholic countries, where people are scared with the wages of sins and the upcoming Apocalypse and Hell for all their lives. There's not much to get worked up in it here in liberal protestant Finland. Other than the possibility that a nuclear power plant might go off, but since the government didn't understand that from Fukushima, it wouldn't get it by watching this, either.

★★

Escape 2000 a.k.a. Turkey Shoot (1982)
Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith

I have a soft spot for films where hunters chase after the Most Dangerous Gama – man. This Australian schlock classic offers that and much, much more. In Ozploitation movies, anything truly goes, and so the film doesn't mind cheerfully drawing parallels to the Holocaust and stealing good bits from the likes of A Clockwork Orange, Logan's Run or The Man With The Golden Gun.
The film also throws some completely bonkers ideas to the mix, such as a sadistic mute Wolfman joining the hunt without much further explanation.

The film is set in the post-apocalyptic future, where a dystopian government clears up all members of resistance, advocates of free speech and other deviants to prison camps. They are told they are there for re-education and behavior modification, when in fact they are there to fill the sadistic urges in the camp staff (and the audience). The camp is run by the laconic Charles Thatcher (Michael Ritter) and his main underling Ritter (Roger Ward), who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty. But since prisoners flow into their camp faster than they can be whipped to death, Thatcher has an idea to organize a game to get rid of some extra prisoners who are becoming a nuisance. Thus, he gathers high-ranking government officials (and their pets) and sets few key prisoners into the woods. The hunt can begin.

I think this poster depicts much better of what's going on in the film than the faux-futuristic Escape 2000 one.

For a film using real prison camp footage in its opening credits, Turkey Shoot is decidedly cartoonish. The film has colorful imagery and frankly the violence seems quite stylized. For a film that's supposedly very low-budget exploitation, it actually looks quite impressive. Particularly the explosive ending wouldn't be too out of place from a Roger Moore Bond film. Sadly, the British director Brian Trenchard-Smith didn't share his contemporary Ozploitation directors George Miller's or Russel Mulcahy's career developments and didn't get any major Hollywood work after this one. Instead, he has since directed more exploitation, such as BMX Bandits, Dead-End Drive-In and two sequels to Leprechaun. But if you've never known that you wanted to see a circus freak squished against a tree trunk by a dune buggy before now, this is your film.

★★★★

Equalizer 2000 a.k.a. Defender 2000 (1988)
Director: Cirio H. Santiago

I'll say it straight away: The Equalizer 2000 is one of the most infantile films I've ever seen. Seriously, this thing makes the likes of G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra look like a high-brow study of the ills of modern warfare and it's effects on the psyche of soldiers. But being childish is not necessarily a bad thing. Basically, this is a post-apocalyptic barbarian flick that's 80 minutes of one big sandbox action figure battle.

The plot revolves around two fighting teams – The men of the evil Military Government, and the Rebels fighting for their freedom from tyranny (of course). You can tell the bad guys from their Nazi-like armored uniforms, whereas most good guys wear surplus western movie clothing. As oil has become rarer and rarer the sides mostly fight over gasoline. Some oil fields in the scorching desert are valuable to both and that's why the major battles are settled there. While fighting, huge showers of bullets are fired, but with anything particular very rarely being hit. So much for the shooting skills of the Army of Tomorrow. To help the rebels actually hit their enemies, a B.F.G. named Equalizer 2000 is built by a gunsmith. The weapon is basically what Tony Montana carried, an oversized assault rifle that can also shoot rockets. The protagonist Slade (Richard Norton) is a leather vest, a beard and a mullet-donning stranger, a true western archetype of a neutral who gets tangled in with the action, but brings order to untamed areas. Norton seems to attempt to channel Clint Eastwood, but can't even reach Brian Botswick's levels. For the ladies, there's a lengthy scene where he sharpens blades without his shirt on. He's also skillful enough to manage to avoid getting shot by machine guns by doing little skips on desert rocks.

The film's budget is so low, they couldn't even buy convincing paint to put over all the plastic, tin plate and plywood. The toy guns are quite cute, particularly the bazookas that go "Ploomp!" There's some car chasing, torture scenes and of course, lots and lots of desert battles. Nothing seems to matter that much, since the audience couldn't give a rat's ass which team will win. But if you only love the action and explosions in action movies, and too much talking and plot development makes you drowsy, this is basically porn for you.

★★ 1/2

Fantasia 2000 (1999)
Directors: Don Hahn, Pixote Hunt, Hendel Butoy, Eric Goldberg, James Algar, Francis Gebas, Paul & Gaëtan Brizzi

At the turn of the millennium there was actually at least one interesting 2000-movie project which had the ingredients to be much more than just a cheap cash-in. When Walt Disney envisioned the classical music animation Fantasia back in the early 1940's, he figured that the film could have segments removed and added every couple of years to give the movie-goers different sort of animated concerts. This ambitious idea was thwarted by Fantasia being an expensive flop when it was first released, and the Disney company struggling to recover from it for a decade. 50 years later, Disney's nephew Roy Disney had also dreamed about completing this plan for a long time. The step to create an artistically ambitious film among the animated films of the late 90's (which were still kind of decent with Mulan and Tarzan) was to him to be the crowning achievement of his career. Of course, the younger Disney eventually also had a flop in his hands, and Disney's animations sunk to depths it still haven't quite recovered from (Altough John Lasseter has helped to take a turn for the better. Hopefully Wreck-A Ralph will remedy the situation further).

But to get to the film itself, it is quite a mixed bag. As a whole, it is at least easier to watch from beginning to end than it's predecessor. The running time of 75 minutes is suitably short and there are fewer abstract animations. However, the film does have a weird fundamentalist Christian vibe, as at least three segments seem to be about Rapture. Compare this to the original which had pagan gods, mythological creatures, dinosaurs and demons – but ended with people walking to church with Ave Maria. It seems Disney in the 1940's was more open with various views of the world. 2000 has a forest spirit in the end, but it seems like something that writers came up with rather than an actual legend.

Show me people worshiping this and I'll show you Disney shareholders.

Also unconvincing is to have celebrities hosting the segments. I hate the modern Steve Martin and his horrible attempts at being funny make me in a such a bad mood I wouldn't want to watch anything he's trying to sell. The film does attempt to do its segments in very different animation styles, and at points it does show the majesticity of classic hand-drawn animation at the edge of its demise. The best segment is the one featuring George Gerswin's Rhapsody in Blue. The kind of 1930's newspaper-cartoon inspired style with splashes of primary colors depicting various depression-era New Yorkers going about their business is the sort of unbiased work the whole sequel should have been full of. Also fun is Camille Saint-Saëns's The Carnival of the Animals, which channels classic Looney Tunes with it's fast pace and gags aplenty. And Donald Duck's Pomp And Circumstance manages to mix the epicness of the tale of Noah's Ark convincingly with Donald's slapstick antics. I also got weirdly emotional at the end when Donald is reunited with Daisy.

The greatest romance of all time?

My least favorite segments are the ones where unconvincing computer animation is showcased or mixed with classic animation. The grandiose of The Pines of Rome doesn't quite come through with stupid-looking CGI whales flying into heaven. The Tin Soldier segment looks so horrible that I can't even bear to watch it. It's a miracle this was made the same year as Toy Story 2. It also isn't a particularly good idea to recycle The Sorcerer's Apprentice to the new film, as it makes the audience see the difference of the grace and emotion of the classic 40's Disney showcased against some of its modern, soulless incarnations. The final segment – the aforementioned Tree spirit segment – lacks the punch it should have as the finale. All in all, the music played by The Chicago Symphony Orchestra is of course fantastic, but it seems that only half of the animated segments on display here can keep up with it. Perhaps Disney should have been developed this a few years more instead of rushing it to be released at the turn of the millennium.

★★★

Them's fighting words!

 
Today is my birthday. I'm going to spend the night the best way I know how: at Night Visions Festival, enjoying a full night filled with horror, oddities and hilariously goofy old movies. But I'd also like to spread the cheer. After all, this blog recently topped 50,000 viewers so I figure I owe my loyal readers a treat (feel free to thank me in the comments). I'll take a page from Chris Sims and present several of the rootinest, tootinest, fightinest films known to man! If this doesn't grow hair to your bathing suit area, nothing will. Let's party for our right to fight!

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (Lik Wong, 1991)
Director: Ngai Kai Lam

I like my fight scenes like I like my stake: RAW and with an obscene amount of killings. That is also why probably my favorite splatter film is this gloriously over-the-top Japanese manga-based prison flick. The titular Ricky is certainly a kind of a superhero – of beating people until there's nothing more than a pile of bloody goo! The super-powered youngster is sent to the big house for killing a crime boss responsible for the death of his girlfriend. Ricky always stands up for the down-trodden, the persecuted and the weak, and thus sets out to clean out the corruption and the gangs from the joint. Thus, his chief rivals are the joint's sadistic warden and The Gang of Four, a fearsome crime boss ring, each of which controls one wing of the prison.

Unlike other films listed on this post, Riki-Oh is clearly meant to be funny. But it does it so violently and with such an over-the-top mentality that one can't help but to love it. The film clearly has a comic book sensibility, and it tops the ante with each subsequent action scene. It's even just the right length so that when you feel that you're finally getting tired of the gore, the film ends.

Plenty of Japanese flicks (many made by the company Sushi Typhoon) have tried to imitate its madcap charm, but none have succeeded. It helps a lot that all the gore scenes in this are practical effects as opposed to computer-generated blood. Thus, stomachs get blown open, jaws disengaged, organs fall into meat grinders and heads explode a plenty. There still didn't seem to be enough in the effects budget to make a convincing dummy girlfriend to throw off the roof. And there are also other ridiculous scenes such as Ricky practicing with his sensei by punching through gravestones he's throwing at him. Or the downright nasty scene where Ricky is buried alive. Or, or...



If films like Evil Dead 2 and Braindead are your thing, you owe it to yourself to check Riki-Oh. It should be just as big as a splatter cult classic. It does have friends in high places, though, as director Edgar Wright has admitted loving the film.

★★★★★

Avenging Force (1986)
Director: Sam Firstenberg

American Ninja mastermind Sam Firstenberg reunites with his star Michael Dudikoff for this dumb-as-a-rock action flick. Dudikoff plays the ex-secret service man Matt Hunter (a great character name, by the way), who arrives to New Orleans to help his friend Larry Richards (Steve James) run for governor. But since Richards is both black and a democrat, he's also the target for the secret Nazi Illuminati called The Pentangle. Hunter attempts his best to keep Richards and his family alive from the hit attempts and hides them in his grandfather's farm where he lives with his sister Sarah. But The Pentangle can receive information of their whereabouts with their connections and do a major strike. Hunter soon becomes the hunted, but he's also going to make sure The Pentangle never hurts anyone any more.

The plot mashes it's perfectly serviceable espionage plot to a mind-bogglingly stupid manhunt plot. The Pentangle like to dispose of their victims by hunting them like animals through a large swampland area. The end fights there are what really make the film memorable. Hunter takes care of each Pentangle member in a hand-to-hand combat. The shirtless Dudikoff wrestling with various burly men (one of which is dressed like a gimp) in the mud is astonishingly homoerotic. In particular, Hunter likes to lock his enemies to the ground with his thighs, and penetrate them with a knife or some other phallic object. Each villain also has a orgasmic last gasp that Vernon Wells would see as a bit overdoing it. The film's uneasy sexuality also doesn't end there. Hunter has a bit too much affection to his 10-year-old sister. When The Pentangle's top members kidnap her, they threaten to take her virginity (!). She's later found among transvestite hookers in the red light district. Firstenberg doesn't strain himself much, and gleefully burns likeable characters to death and executes children. The end result is very special 80's cheese, and another evidence that Firstenberg is the man to go to when you want some so-bad-they-are-excellent action films.

The entire film is currently on YouTube, if you want to watch it.

★ or ★★★★★

Undefeatable (Cui hua kuang mo, 1993)
Director: Godfrey Ho

I'm not actually sure where this film is supposed to take place. It's in English, but the film crew is from Hong Kong. The American-seeming setting, however is some warped version of our reality, where every person, man and woman, is a musclebound martial arts expert. From the look of things, as well as the slowness of their thinking, it seems that steroids and other illegal substances seem to be legal in this world, too. And everyone is on drugs, all the time. The mafia, however, organizes illegal street brawls that the police are unable to stop. Kristi (Cynthia Rothrock) turns tricks at these fights to earn money. Hey, it beats being a crack whore.

Unbeknownst to her, Anna, the wife of the notorious underground fighter Stingray (Don Niam) leaves her abusive husband. This drives Stingray mad and into a frenzy. He starts a killing spree of kidnapping any women that come into his path and gouging out their eyes. If any men try to stop him, he beats them to a pulp. When Kristi's sister dies at the hands of this brutal mass murderer, it becomes personal. Kristi joins with detective Nick DiMarco (John Miller) to take down the killer – by any means necessary!

Undefeatable is a parade of hilariously awful acting, worse hair, mind-boggling stupidity and, in a word, insanity. But one can't say that there aren't a couple of nifty fight scenes in this. Hong Kong action director Ho knows how to make his actors do the splits. But he can't tell a story worth shit. In a Hong Kong-set film the context of the film's martial arts fighting would be right at home, but in an American film they feel really odd. It doesn't help (or rather, it does) that the film contains heaps of gore and brutal violence. It's more or less unexplained what makes Stingray so crazy as to kill people with his bear hands, other than misogynism and abandonment issues. Lucky for the viewers, most of the effects are cruddy and thus obscenely violent the murder scenes become quite funny as well.

The end fight of the film isn't the best choreographed in the film, but it is probably the most stupid, and definitely the most brutal. It's precisely because of clips like this why the film has gained new following from YouTube. Just don't spoil yourself if you intend to watch the loony film in its entirety.




★ or ★★★★★

Road House (1989)
Director: Rowdy Herrington

Easily the best-known of this post's films, Road House is a genuine cult classic about bouncers in a very seedy tavern somewhere in the midwest. Their leader, the New Yorker Jack Dalton (who incidentally shares his name with MacGyver's best friend) is played by the late, magnificent Patrick Swayze. And he's the toughest of the tough, cleaning the entire town when he was only assigned to clean up the local tavern The Double Deuce.

Dalton is an expert cooler, advising the other bouncers, and breaks up a number of violent bar fights before the property damage goes over $ 50,000. A lot of the fights are caused by the minions of local kingpin Brad Wesley (also the dearly departed Ben Gazzara), who has financial control over the town. When Dalton also becomes involved by his ex-girlfriend, the town's sexy female doctor "Doc" (Kelly Lynch), Wesley takes a personal vendetta to get rid of the man. But Dalton isn't one to be easily bullied, and as a student of philosophy, his conclusion is pain.

Road House would be memorable even from the odd table-turning of a film about bouncers turning into a modern western, where a stranger cleans up a corrupt city of criminals. The dialogue is deliciously foul-mouthed and the film's humor sexist and rowdy. But what really makes it a classic is Swayze's character. Always the philosopher, he delivers deadpan such incredible one-liners as "Pain don't hurt" or "Nobody ever wins a fight" (Both of which are rules he comes to break during the course of the movie). No wonder, he's been studying philosophy and that sort of shit. nevertheless, for all his zen approach, Dalton is basically just as vengeful and brutal as a Steven Seagal character when pushed too far.

The film is on this list because of the fight between Dalton and Wesley's right-hand man Jimmy (Marshall R. Teague). This is the scene where the film goes completely off the rails (although it had been odd before). First the homoerotic mouth-off, and finally the surprisingly brutal final blow, which would fit a low-budget splatter film better than a Hollywood high-concept movie. It's probably needless to say that this is one of my favorite films of all time.



★★★★★

Gymkata (1985)
Director: Robert Clouse

Last, but definitely not least we have the most Reaganist film ever created, and also one of the most awesomely 80's films. Someone had the bright idea to turn the Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas into an action hero, and thus the film sends him out to fight for truth, justice and the American way.

In what has got to be one of the stupidest film plots ever written, the US secret service contacts Olympic medalist Jonathan Cabot (Thomas), because they need to set up a Star Wars -space programme weapons satellite in the eastern European nation of Parmistan. The way Cabot could handle this is to win the age old The Game, in which the Parmistans compete against a flock of ninjas. Whoever wins, gets one wish granted by the King of Parmistan. The only problem is that no-one has survived The Game alive in 400 years. So, Cabot goes through a frivolous training to win. During the course, he falls in love with his martial arts instructor, the princess of Parmistan, Rubali (Tetchie Agbayani).

Needless to say, the satellite plot is dropped pretty soon, and the film mostly concerns Cabot trying to survive in the hostile country. There just being an American is enough of a reason for everyone to try to kill him, whether part of The Game or not. Fortunately, his gymnast skills combined with the martial arts training prove to be so deadly, he can beat down huge crowds of people (some of which fall down without even being touched by him). The Parmistanian architecture favors elements on the streets that could as easily be used as gymnastic equipment. But he needs them, since The Game is even more deadly then the Hunger Games, and mostly involves ninjas shooting people running away with arrows.

The hilariously awful fight scenes are not even the stupidest thing of the film. The film is astonishingly racist, seeing as European countries still being in the Medieval times. Save for the country's princess, every single Parmistanian is a hideous old crone or old peasant without teeth, and frivolously hating America. Which is why it is hilarious that Cabot decides to wear his Stars 'n Stripes-coloured sweater when walking through the country's streets. Cabot also doesn't care much whether he accidentally beats some innocent people when taking care of his pursuers. Or some too touchy old women. Stupidly, the film also comes up with the idea of Cabot's father being missing while taking part of The Game in the middle of the film. He appears unharmed and almost unexplained and dies almost instantly by taking a few arrows in the back. This insanity is truly brain-meltingly strange. The film should be watched for the extended scene where Cabot wanders across a misty town, where every inhabitant seems to come out to laugh at him from the windows. Which is followed by this gem:



★ or ★★★★★

It's 2012, Where is Death Racing?

I recently revealed in this blog that the interest I have towards any sport is equal to the violence the sport in question includes. Sadly, there are precious few sports in this here world where people get decapitated or otherwise brutally executed. But luckily, we have movies for that. After all, it's also better for human rights and such that people aren't actually executed for our thirst of carnage.

The sport that would most benefit some additional bloodshed would be the various race driving sports. I haven't the faintest idea why anyone would find cars driving around in a circle interesting if there isn't even a crash or two involved. Luckily, the visionary director Paul W.S. Anderson has prophecised that this year, the US economy will totally collapse. As unemployment will rise, cheap thrills become increasingly popular among the bloodthirsty 99%. Thrills such as... DEATH RACING!

Death Race (2008)
Director: Paul W.S. Anderson

In the near future, the live broadcasting of Death Race is the most popular TV event in the world. The racers are all notorious convicts, fighting for three victories in a three partial race competition, which will grant their freedom. And their cars are modified with plates and spikes and such, with additional weapons added by video game-like powerups. The TV event is supervised by the hard-nosed Hennessy (Joan Allen) who will have no holds barred to keep the masses entertained.

The latest convict she attempts to exploit is Jensen Ames (Jason Statham), a former racecar driver, now factory worker framed for the murder of his wife. Hennessy wants to masquerade Ames as the popular racer Frankenstein, beloved by the crowds. The original Frankenstein has recently died on the track, but this fact has been hidden from the public. Ames agrees to play along because he needs his freedom for any chance to meet his daughter ever again. But he also begins to suspect the real murderer of his wife is lurking inside the prison's car pool. Helping him is the spunky Case (Natalie Martinez), former driving partner of Frankenstein, and Frank's old pit stop crew, led by Coach (Ian McShane). But Ames doesn't just inherit Frank's old friends, but also his old enemies and racing rivals such as Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson), Pachenko (Max Ryan) and 14K (Robin Shou, Mortal Kombat's Liu Kang).

So what's surprising is that this is quite a good film for a Paul W.S. Anderson joint. It's certainly by far the most fun of his films I've seen, altough one can't claim that it is by any means smart or even that original. It takes good use of it's R rating, and allows the racers to become sliced, diced, shot full of holes and blown to bits. There's some good swearing in it, too. It's one of those hilarious modern action movies which are completely ridiculous, but play out as the most serious affair ever. There's no tongue-in-cheek winking here and there. And who better to play the lead as the man's man Jason Statham. Also the rest of the cast is filled with suitably hard-assed tough guy actors. Still, we could've done without Fred Koehler's racing and car tuning nerd Lists.

As the film is based on a Roger Corman classic, and the grand old man of trashy entertainment has still stayed on as an Executive Producer, one can be guaranteed that the film has a healthy exploitative nature. For instance, the rules of Death Race order that each car's co-driver must be a woman from the female penitentiary. That's why we are treated to a scene where impossibly fit female convicts emerge in slow motion from their bus, dressed in micro shorts and tight tops as the male convicts cheer and jeer. And so you should too, because this is fun and dumb testosterone-filled trash for a Friday night.

★★★ 1/2

Death Race 2 (2010)
Director: Roel Reiné

Altough this film could easily be mistaken for a sequel, it is in fact a prequel to the first Death Race. Which, according to Paul W.S. Anderson, is itself a prequel to Roger Corman's original Death Race 2000. Seems confusing, but since essentially they are all the same film, one shouldn't give too much thought to this fact. It's against the franchise's principles. So the film concerns the origin of the original Frankenstein (now played by Luke Goss) and how Death Racing was first concieved.

Goss's character is actually named Carl "Luke" Lucas, and he's a mob getaway driver for crime boss Marcus Kane (Sean Bean). A major heist goes wrong and everyone but Lucas get killed. The furious Kane wants to get rid of the final witness liking him to the crime and sets a reward for Lucas's head. The driver himself is sent to a maximum security prison. The prison is corporation-funded, and keeps it's costs down by having caged matchs where the prisioners fight to the death in front of millions of pay-per-view customers at their homes. Lucas becomes an unwilling galdiator to protect his prison-friend Lists (played again by Fred Kohler). But even a flamethrower match to the death prompting a major prison riot can't keep the ratings high enough. The executive producer of Death Match, September Jones (Lauren Cohan), soon figures another kind of deadly sport to keep the viewers interested. DEATH RACING.

Supposedly set in a post-apocalyptic world, Death Race 2 features a lot more footage of life outside prison walls. And it looks about the same as the world today does, which makes it odd that regular citizens are so extremely bloodthirsty to pay to see people beat each other to death in brutal dystopian gladiator matches (or is it?). Also oddly, much of the actors look the same as the actors in the first film, and play more or less the same roles, yet the characters are named differently. I suppose the film was written for the same actors, all of which, except for Kohler and Robin Shou, refused to do the film. That's probably also why the movie went straight to DVD. It still has a considerable budget, as the film features such famous actors as Danny Trejo (as Coach Goldberg), Ving Rhames (as the corporate magnate Weyland) and Sean Bean. The racing scenes in particular could just have been copied and pasted from the first film and no one would've noticed the difference.

All the characters are still introduced inside the scene with thse informational screens.

The film's pacing is also very odd. The climax doesn't happen in a race but when a single character is murdered by backing a car over her. Much of stuff between the two films still remains unexplained. Yet the result is as violent and sexy content is even more explicit than in the first film. Director Reiné also has some sort of fixation of people getting burned alive. An interesting fact is that since the film features the Weyland Corporation, it is set in the same universe as the Alien quadrilogy and the upcoming Prometheus.

★★★

Death Race 2000 (1975)
Director: Paul Bartel

Okay, so the idea of Death Races stems from this Roger Corman-produced cult film. Death Race 2000 is quite a different game when compared to the modern death races. In this original one, the drivers head their way from American coast to coast, not around a single track. The players score points by running over people, and the racers are just celebrities, not convicts. Instead of freedom, they compete for a chance to meet the President of the United States. Death Race is not being run by money-making corporations but the dystopian United States fascist police state that seeks to keep the masses happy. And nothing else matters to them as long as they get to watch the hit television programme Death Race.

Frankenstein (David Carradine) is a beloved champion of this brutal sport. He's thus named because multiple of his body parts have been rebuild as a result of a string of chrashes through the years. Frankenstein seems unbeatable, which annoys his chief rival Machine Gun Joe (Sylvester Stallone) . There's also a conspiracy of freedom fighters and a lingering war against France, which will be obstacles on Frankenstein's road to meet the president. And he has some very personal reasons to meet the man, too.

This 70's exploitation flick represents Corman's regular way of producing films. Take a popular genre (in this, car chase pictures), put in a few B-grade celebrities (in this, David Carradine and a pre-Rocky Sylvester Stallone), and lastly, put in some boobs every 15 script pages and as-cheap-as-possible special effects. The film's wicked and goofy sense of humour and cheery cheesiness reminds Troma films of the late 80's, early 90's. It's clear that Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz took a page from Corman's style of filmmaking. Death Race 2000 looks quite cheap and silly. For instance, the cars the drivers are driving look like amusement park bumper cars or ghost train wagons with all their plastic spikes and airbrushed colors.

See what I mean?

The film has some very slight satirical points, which stem from the period's sci-fi movies in general. For instance, the connection between a fascist state and keeping the audiences happy is more deeply observed in the same year's Rollerball. What interests director Paul Barter and Corman more is having some humour scenes where people are ran over with cars. Or women take their tops off. The film's general mood is well summed by the fact that several of the drivers are Nazis, with swastikas in their helmets, giving seig heils to each other, and generally eresorting to assholism. Many characters are quite annoying, cheif among them the cheerful TV host Junior Bruce ("The Real" Don Steele). The budget stops many of the more outrageous ideas right in their tracks. The film really misses its chance for an exploding ending. Death Race 2 may have been anticlimatic, but at least it delivered laughs with its brutality. But nevertheless, it is still somewhat fun entertainment by its stupidity values alone.

★★★

Night Visions Back To Basics 3011 - Night 2

I had loads of fun at Night Visions as always, but I think I'm getting too old to stay awake two nights in a row. So unless I discover the joys of crystal meth, this'll be the only NV report I'll write in two parts. Enjoy the second one! This night's theme seemed to be ugly moustaches as nearly every film had at least one. Italian ones had several.

Cold Fish (Tsumetai nettaigyo)
Director: Sion Sono
Japan, 2010

The story behind Sion Sono's latest film, Cold Fish, is based on actual facts. Only dog kennel keeping is switched to having an aquarium in this thriller about business brutality. Two aquarium keepers become friends after the friendly-seeming Mr. Murata (Denden) hires the thieving teenaged daughter of Mr. Shamoto (Mitsuru Fukikoshi) in his shop. But it soon turns out that Murata is in fact a cruel psychopath, dealing with the yakuza and officials both with brutal ways. Shamoto is soon tangled to Murata's web of lies and nasty businesses, but is too much of a pushover to oppose his dominance. But like one can see from films like Straw Dogs, you can only push one so far, until he has to bite back. Yet on the line are not only his oppressor, but also his dysfunctional family, over which he wants to take on a new dominance.

The character of Murata is a fascinating and memorable villain. In the beginning he seems genuinely excited in seeing exotic fishes and joking around with people he barely knows. Yet he is a lot colder than would seem on the outside. He truly cares more for fish than people, as he has a talent of pulling people's strings to do his bidding. People are objects to him, and able to be disposed of when they outlive their usefulness. His aquarium shop is filled with teenaged girls in skimpy costumes and he can take any woman he wants with a mixture of lies of understanding them and taking what he wants with force. His sense of humour extends to the dirty part of his business and he derives great joy in chopping his victim's corpses and plays around with different organs. Veteran character actor Denden does great job in bringing this human monster to life and his character is one of the greatest criminal characters seen in recent years.

Sono's latest film takes a big leap into a darker territory. Unlike the preceding 4-hour Love Exposure, Cold Fish runs on a little bit too long, and feels repetitive. It deals with many of the same themes, such as the state of families, the unfairness of Japan's society which pushes people to do deperate things and one person's decision to fight for a more pleasant ending. One still can't claim that this tale filled with hopelessness, fear and pain isn't gripping. Cold Fish is also trencehed in black humour Sion handles very well. He also utilizes a lot of the familiar Christian imagery in the background of its violent atrocities. By delivering another corker, Sono is well on his way of becoming his native country's most interesting  modern filmmaker.

★★★★

The Troll Hunter (Trolljegeren)
Director: André Øvredal
Norway, 2010

As much as I'd like to think this kind of "lost footage", handheld camera fantasy film has seen its heyday, every once in a while comes along a truly fun one. This plays like the mixture of Cloverfield and Rare Exports, all the while staying decidedly Norwegian. I especially enjoy how straight-faced the director Øvredal depicts his really ridiculous fantasy story. 

While looking to do a documentary film about bear pouchers, film students Finn, Kalle and Johanna stumble upon a fact hidden by the Norwegian government. The huge trolls from folk tales do exist! They begin to follow a troll ranger Hans (the kick-ass Otto Jespersen) around, doing his daily job. Hans has a problem at his hands as more and more trolls have broken their habitat and eaten cattle. The poor chap is in charge of all the trolls in the whole country and has to execute the most dangerous specimen. Tired of his dangerous and dreadful job, he plans to unveil the truth about how trolls are handled, and thus helps the students to finish their film by taking them along.

There's been so many re-imaginings about vampires and such common folk tale-creatures that one has to wonder why no one thought of doing the same for trolls before. In Øvredal's version, trolls can smell the blood of a Christian (not atheists or apparently muslims) and turn to stone or explode by sunlight (or the UV light equivelent). And they look as silly with their big noses and beady little eyes, as they would in an illustration in a children's book. The trolls do not, however talk, or have eating contests with people. A lot of time is to create the athmosphere of changing places, so there's a lot of shots of people sitting in cars, listening to a Norwegian easy listening radio and looking at the landscape. There's a lot of road movie in the film. The Troll Hunter is a little bit overlong and would need tightening up from here and there. But when it is funny, it is inventive and exciting and thus well worth a watch for all genre-fans.

★★★ 1/2


Violent Naples (Napoli Violenta)
Director: Umberto Lenzi
Italy/France, 1976

I was informed only later on that this Eurocrime film is in fact a direct sequel, to a film called Violent Rome. This might explain why it seemed to take off so soon in the beginning. It's not a hard film to follow, after all. Violent policemen chase after even more violent criminals to bring down their organization.

The moustached inspector Betti (Maurizio Merli) arrives to Naples and seems to be pissed off about it. The crime boss Comandante welcomes him into town by attempting to kill him right from the start. Criminals are afraid of the tough, uncompromaising yet fair and untouchable one-man army. Betti wovs to bring down the town's mafia and starts to systematically bring down crime Poor petty riminals get to feel his wrath as he is a man who will smash their faces into car windows to get answers.

Like is usual for an European crime film of that era, the corruption goes to every branch of the society and it can be weeded out only by being tougher than the toughies and squarer than a mathemathician's window frame. There's also a fine chase scene or two through the picturesque streetviews of the city of Naples. This one ends on a Unibahn track. It's a pity I had just previously seen the brilliant Fear Over the City, after which almost anything would seem more boring. Violent Naples is a fine basic genre piece, yet there is very little to bring it forward among its peers. Of course, this view might also be because of my tiredness.

★★★

Love Camp 7
Director: Lee Frost
USA, 1969

Love Camp 7 is apparently a pioneer of nazi prison camp exploitation films. This sub-genre was at its peak from the golden age of grindhouse cinemas in the 70's to the video nasty times of the 80's. They offer some cheap tits, bush and sadism, and pass it all claiming to be based on actual events. This all seemed to begin in the summer of '69.

One can see Love Camp 7 comes from more innocent times. Sex scenes comprise of Nazis kissing and squeezing naked women above the waist with their pants on. The violence is not really any more harsh than in mainstream war movies of the time. Some nazi punishments would be cruel in real world, but the sets and actors all are so fake, I wouldn't think anyone would mistake this for being based on any reality. Indeed, most of the nazis were played by jews. And the women by unnaturally fit and big-boobed specimen who seem more comfrotable with their clothes off than with reciting dialogue. The film copy showed in NV seemed to be cut, as we never saw the camp's female doctor even though there was a lot of talk about her.

The story, in case it interests anyone is that two female commandoes are sent to infiltrate the Nazi Camp #7. It is set as a relaxation point for tired soldiers, and houses a bunch of well-built jewish women that Nazi officers and guards are free to rape. The women are in the camp to find a jewish scientist who has an invention that could change the course of the war. Funnily enough, this invention is soon forgotten amid all the sexing.

★★★

Night Of Bloody Horror
Director: Joy N. Houck Jr.
USA, 1969

I'll have to admit that I slept through most of this film and thus am not qualified to give it a rating. It seemed to be a carbon-copy of Psycho, with some really psychedelic imagery. The raw violence is also ahead of its time.

The Late Great Planet Earth
Director: Robert Amram
USA, 1979

Orson Welles hosts this pseudo-documentary by weird cultists that tries to convince us that the End is Nigh. According to the film's logic, since many prophecies in the Bible came true in the early centuries, the Book of Revelations must come true, too. The film goes on to try to prove parts of Revealations to point to modern issues and news items of the 70's. Boy, how the maker's faces must have been red when the Soviet Union broke down before no one had the idea of rebuilding Solomon's castle in Israel. Conviniently the film passes some of the most unbelievable parts of the Book, such as extremely odd-looking angels blowing horns and bringing destruction and Death deciding to avoid the people seeking him.

Welles himself appears in person only in the beginning, picking up a prophet's skull. At the point of late 70's the bloated cinema genius had already sunken to new lows to pay for his whiskey habit. Yet he does bring dignity to this piece that seriously needs it. The filmed filler sequences in the beginning with silly prophets and their misadventures are like something out of Life of Brian. The overuse of similar stock footage, such as missiles getting send up in the air or bombs exploding in a desert, effectively destroy all the poignancy the film is seeking. Although the documentary's claimes are filled with holes, it is not that funny after all. But still a weird enough sign o' the times already passed to bring out a chuckle or two in the middle of the night.

★★

Pieces (Mil gritos tiene la noche)
Director: Juan Piquer Simon
Spain/USA, 1982

Pieces may be my favorite slasher film of all time, so it was a hoot to see it on big screen with an appreciative audience. The film's style and story owes a lot to Italian giallo films of the time, as well as the countless Halloween ripoffs with teens getting killed produced in the US. It's a nice exploitation cocktail, then. But with a lot weirder sequences than one would be used to.

In the 40's a devout Christian mother beats and belittles her child for solving a filthy pin-up jigsaw puzzle. The boy takes revenge by killing the mother with an axe and sawing up her body. 40 years later in a local college, someone is pretending to be a gardener so he has an excuse to run around with a chainsaw and cut teenage girls to bits. On the case are Det. Lt. Bracken (Christopher George), Det. Sgt. Holden (Frank Brana) and undercover setective Mary Riggs (Lynda Day George). For some reason they all seem really adamant of getting help from frat boy stud Kendall (Ian Sera). The school's real gardener (who looks exactly like Bud Spencer) is out of the question even though he happens to be on the crime scene and likes to brawl with arresting police men Incredible Hulk -style. The real murderer must be discovered before he can complete his ultimate goal – a human jigsaw puzzle made out of body parts of women!

Although I love Pieces to pieces, I must admit that it's not the most coherent film of all time. Characters come and go inexplainably and some scenes seem to have little to do with the film's plot, nevermind sense. In one of the best scenes the tennis teacher is attacked by a Bruce Lee clone for no reason. When Kendall arrives on the scene, the karateka shrugs the whole affair off saying he must've eaten bad chop suey. Instead of building a threatening athmosphere or shocking with brutality (of which there is a fine amount), the real strength of Pieces is its talent of really surprising viewers. When the whole film doesn't have to worry about making any sort of sense, it becomes pretty clear that anything can and will happen. This goes on until the final seconds with one of the most WTF endings the horror genre has ever seen.

I am tempted to give Pieces a ★★★★ for it is clearly one of the best slasher films I've ever seen. Yet, I think the Trash film rating does it more favours.

★ or ★★★★★

So this was heaps of fun this time around. Looking forward to the next time. In the words of a dick hungry bimbo in Pieces; I promise to control myself if we do it again.

The Criminal 00's

The Best Crime Movies of the 2000s - Part 11 in our ongoing series.

In Bruges (c) 2008 Focus Features

Many of the best films of all time deal with the lives of crooks and criminals. Gangsters have been deconstructed so many times in movies during the years, is there really anything new to say about the subject any more? Judging by the films of the 2000s, there are plenty of things left. What these films usually do is strip away the glory of the life of crime added by crime epics such as The Godfather. These finest crime films depict crime as brutal and ruthless, and being always something that allows innocents to suffer. I defined the Crime genre here to be a film that focuses on criminals and their daily work. It's not filled with car chases or shoot-outs with police but rather some scall-scale extortion and a lot of idle chatting and planning.

City of God
Cidade de Deus, Brazil 2002
Directors: Fernando Meirelles, Kátia Lund



One great thing about cinema in the 2000s was that films from the third world became also easily available for western audiences. And this surely is a film for us fat cat westerners that think we have it badly in here. City of God is a film about the favelas of Rio de Janeiro in the 60's and 70's. There young people are left with the choice of joining a gang or die. A trio of young boys, Rocket, L'il Ze and Bené do petty crimes and develop a strong bond. Years later Ze (Leandro Firmino) and Bené have gotten ever more dangled with the life of crime and dealing drugs and are practically running the city. Rocket (Alexandre Rodriguez) has turned his back on them and wants to leave the slums to become a professional photographer.

The film is nothing short of incredible. It's burned up, scorching cinematography is good - Brian DePalma-level good! The actors may all be amateurs but they pull off their roles intensively and believably. As the film chronicles years' worth of crime it is a massive piece, yet one that will not wash away from memory very easily. And that's probably for the best as it's good to know that such atrocious lifestyle falls on millions of people even today. The film is based on real events.

The Departed
Director: Martin Scorsese
USA, 2006



Andy Lau's hongkongese Infernal Affairs is a fine film, shattering ideas of cops and robbers by showing the ideas of both being damaged by the corruption of the society. Yet the film is confusing and hard to follow at parts. Leave it to maestro Scorsese to make heads and tails out of the story. In his film, the action has moved to Boston. There, the police departement sends a mole (Leonardo DiCaprio) to infiltrate the Irish mob. His job is also to find out who's been giving classified police information to the mobsters. That would be Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon), a crook that has infiltrated the police force. Neither of the moles knows the identity of the other, yet they both succeed in taking the other's life to parts from their position.

As always with Scorsese, the editing and the use of music are fantastic. This movie has so great characters, that a lot of bit-parters steal the thunder from Damon and DiCaprio (who are still pretty good). The biggest scene-stealers are by far Jack Nicholson’s pervert crime boss and Mark Wahlberg’s insulting policeman, who both seem to be having the time of their life chewing the scenery. One can try to make a film with as quotable lines and as great settings, but William Monahan's script makes it seem effortless. How could you not have a great time with all of that? Granted, the American remake has forgotten a lot of the subletities of the original. Instead, the film overplays its methaphorical iconography that the corruption is inside the whole society. It is still Scorsese's best film of the decade, even if it is lightyears from his previous mob epics.

The Disappearance of Alice Creed
UK, 2009
Director: J Blakeson



I will maintain my affection for this film, which I've already brought out a couple of times. I just think it's great filmmaking that makes it all seem so effortless, even though it's all so well thought-out. The film has only three characters in it, two kidnappers and the kidnappee, the titular Alice Creed. Yet it never feels like a thetre rehersal or an experimental film. The characters seem to live in the real world, and having all the drama happen between three people just emphasizes the isolation of the kidnapping situation. And the crime itself seems to be as well thought-out by the screenwriters as the kidnappers would, as evidenced by the brilliant silent opening scene. Director J Blakeson could be blamed for being a M Night Shyamalan -style plot twister, but I don't think his twists are actually the only thing carrying the whole movie. Rather, they are used to put on a new shift while running the plot. In these times where we get most of our entertainment well-chewed, it is noteworthy where we get a film that doesn't show off all its cards right in the beginning.

Eastern Promises
Canada/USA/UK, 2007
Director: David Cronenberg



The Russian mafia has rarely been the focus of crime films (that I've seen anyway). Usually they are just comically evil antagonists to small-scale british spivs. But leave it to David Cronenberg to bring some weight into the issue. He and his leading man Viggo Mortensen really went to find out about the system of honor among thieves and a sense of families that runs in the background of some really brutal and ruthless gangsters.

In London, the midwife Anna (Naomi Watts) recieves the baby of a deceased teenager. Trying to get the baby to a deserving home gets her tangled with both Russian gangsters and a world that lives by their terrorizing rule. A mob boss's driver Nikolai (Mortensen), however decides to help Anna, which makes him a marked man among the mob.

Cronenberg never lets the viewer off easy and this is no exception. His portrayal of organized crime is one of the most sinister and brutal there is. The horrible scenes of ultra-violence come through suddenly and with all their brutal force. The naked fight in a sauna is one of the most outstanding scenes in the whole decade. The acting is also extraordinary, with Mortensen being particularly believable as a man with a past with violence as long as much as he has tattoos. Some say the ending is a bit Hollywood-y, but I say that judging by the film preceding it, this one victory actually feels very Pyrrhic.

Gomorrah
Gomorra, Italy 2008
Director: Matteo Garrone



Like the non-fiction book it's based on, Gomorra aims to reveal the grittiness of the murder trade. The film features five different stories, each of which touches upon Italian mafia. And in the world of Neapolitan organized crime syndicate Camorra, there's no sense of family or honor. It's a dog-eat-dog world where lives could end brutally just like that. And it doesn't just cover the more familiar mob-forced industries such as drugs and murder trade, but also things like industrial toxic dumps and immigrant sweatshops. The mafia's corruption of the land goes deep. There are some parallels to Berlusconi's rule in Italy to be found.

The movie plays like Mean Streets, in that it reveals the insecurities covered by the macho attitude of petty crooks. The Scarface-like gangster glamour turns out to be just an ideal for long-suffering boys dreaming of a better future. Image-wise, the film is rough and cold, like the world it is depicting. The film lurches on pretty slow, but I do believe that this is one of the more realistic mafia movies. 

In Bruges
UK/USA, 2008 
Director: Martin McDonagh



Bruges - big fucking deal. Such is the equivelent of what mob hitman Ray (Colin Farrell) lets out of his motor mouth to his partner-in-crime Ken (Brendan Gleeson), who's a lot more into the Belgian city's medieval art. However, Ray carries within himself massive guilt over their last botched operation that got innocents killed. That's also why the men are sent to Bruges until things cool down. But their boss Harry (Ralph Fiennes) also has bigger plans in mind. Also getting mixed up in the whole affair are a pretty young actress Chloe, Harry's poor inanimate telephone, a pregnant innkeeper and a cranky and melodramatic dwarf.

The result is a hilarious little English black crime-comedy. There has been a need for this sort of thing, since Guy Ritchie stopped making good films. The film wisely steers away from some of the modern potholes this kind of film might fall into, such as too overloaded postmodernism and a feeling that the makers think they are cleverer than they really are (See also: Lucky Number Slevin). It's a well-written and constructed piece of work. And funny to boot. YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT!

Mesrine - Killer Instinct & Public Enemy no. 1 
L'instinct de mort / L'ennemi public no. 1
France, 2008
Director: Jean-François Richet



The true story of the most notorious criminal in France was so epic, they couldn't confine it in a single film. Jacques Mesrine lived a life that spans almost all sub-genres of crime films: he was a gangster, a bankrobber, an outlaw, a terrorist, a kidnapper, a scourge of the police, a convict, an escapee and a self-made legend. The first film is based on Mesrine's own autobiography, which he wrote in jail. But there was so much true accounts of what he did after that, they based the latter film on them.

The first film is inevitably a rise to power, with Mesrine (Vincent Cassel) having fun doing crimes and picking up girls as he goes on. The most interesting part is the one that deals with his family. Mesrine blames his father for being too timid towards his mom's rules. He might as well blame him for allowing to become what he was. A huge action set-piece about an assault to a prison ends the first part memorably. The latter part is mostly about Mesrine in jail, pining to connect with his daughter, but refusing to cave in to the system that wants to change him. The society will, of course eventually destroy him.

Vincent Cassel is wonderful as the flamboyant criminal. With all his dirty deeds, he is the sort that we have to root for - he doesn't seem rotten to the core, but rather sees himself as a sort of rebel. Cassel is also believably aged through the films. The rest of the cast is filled with a who's who of famous French actors from Gerard Depardieu to Mathieu Amalric and from Cécile De France to Anne Consigny.

A Prophet 
Un prophéte, France/Italy 2009
Director: Jacques Audriard



Jacques Audriard is a clear auteur. He has brought out whole new sides of crime movies probably more effective than anyone else last decade. A Beat That My Heart Skipped is a great film, but owes a little too much to James Toback's Fingers. Better is Audriard's follow-up, that breaks the form of conventional gangster films. In the career of every career criminal, there is a point where you serve time in jail. But Audriard makes this just the set-up. It's the prison that will corrupt the mind of a young convict Malik (Tahir Raham). As a place filled with dangerous people, he is forced to seek protection from some organized crime types. This all comes with a price and the mob boss's errands soon turn out to include smuggling drugs and murdering people. Both in and out of the jail. When Malik finally earns his freedom, he leaves the joint as a Don.

Audriard doesn't make this transition conventionally smooth. Instead, Rahid bumbles clumsily through his odd jobs, but manages to survive by luck. In a key scene his life is spared by a rival criminal as he remembers a dream about a deer which their car is about to smash into. Violence in the film has real consequences and we see the affect doing such brutal deeds has for a first-timer. But the prison as an Animal Factory has these sorts of Darwininan rules and thus begins the road to survival. Raham does unbelievably convincing work here. His thoughts are not usually easy to read from his face. Also, although he's identified as an Arab in the film, this is used to make him at odds with the hostile environment. Everyone can identify with that, and his need for survival. At the same spot, we'd probably do the same if we could be as fast-thinking. This identification is what makes the point where the plot eventually leads us a lot more chilling.

Snatch.
UK/USA, 2000
Director: Guy Ritchie



Snatch is really the kind of film that shouldn't work at all. It moves lightning-fast, has too many characters to keep track of, and isn't really about anything too deep. Just a lark. But Director/Writer Guy Ritchie managed to capture lightning in a bottle with this one. He's since desperately tried to duplicate the effect to no avail until he finally sold out to Hollywood. But let's not hold that (or  marrying Madonna) against him or the film.

In a nutshell, the story goes that unlicenced boxing promoters Turkish (Jason Statham) and Tommy get orders from a mob boss to fix up a match. He arranges for a promising young gypsy (an almost unrecognizable Brad Pitt) to take the place of their fighter, as he had beaten the champ in a bar scrap. At the same time some very dangerous criminals arrive to England to seach for a stolen jewel that's gotten lost on the way to its new owner. And from there on it gets a bit more complicated.

From the script's twists and turns to the hilarious dialogue, the film is all about fun for the lads. The fun extends to big Hollywood actors such as Pitt and Benicio del Toro doing small roles that won't do them any favours in their CV. The film is so fast it also rewards repeat viewings to catch everything. The ultra-polished direction from the look of the film to the editing shows a cockiness from Ritchie's part, but at least here he knew exactly what he was doing.

The 25th Hour
USA, 2002
Director: Spike Lee



The hardest film for me to decide whether I should include here, was this. One could argue that it's not about Criminal activity per se. Rather, it focuses rather on human relationships, quite like a Greek Tragedy (or a drama film if you will). Yet it is unmistakably about a drug dealer facing a prison sentence. And besides, I've already got too many films to fit in my inevitable Drama 00's post.

Monty Brogan has only 24 hours before a seven-year sentence starts. He goes through his life with the help of his girlfriend, his dog, his father and his two best friends. Part of him is filled with hate. He lets it out in a memorable scene in front of a mirror. Yet he comes to realize the reason prison is so hard for him is the love he has for his surroundings, topped with a big dose of fear of the unknown. His friends (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Barry Pepper) also go through crises of self-confidence. The first, a high school English teacher, suffers from loneliness and his lust for his sexy female student. The latter's crisis comes from realizing he can't really keep their friendship together or even help Monty as much as he'd like to. From a self-confident stockbroker the realization of some things being out of his power is world-shattering.

Spike Lee filled this with iconography related to New York. It is clearly a response to the attack the city suffered in 9/11 the previous year. Yet Lee never gets over-sentimental or rubs our faces with it. Instead he makes the Spirit of the multicultural City just a thing Monty is missing out on when he's in prison. Lee uses all the different ethnicities and varying people to create a colorful representation of New York as a home for even those that feel lost.

It should be remembered also, that Lee directed the fun and slick, albeit rather conventional heist movie Inside Man. It was close of getting a nod in the bubbling under list.

Bubbling Under: 
The Beat That My Heart Skipped, 2005; Layer Cake, 2004; Public Enemies, 2009; Sexy Beast, 2000; Traffic, 2000

To be seen:
American Gangster, 2007; Election I & II (2005, 2006); Read My Lips (2001)