Easter Special: Visions of Jesus and Theology

Whatever one's religious stance is, there's no denying that Jesus kicks ass. Filmmakers have taken quite a few different approaches to him during the years. While some may want to be iconoclastic, it's strange that so few films want to present him as he truly was; dark-skinned, ethnically middle-Eastern man. Instead, most films draw from the Medieval European representation of the character. Also what varies is what message he's preaching to the crowd and how it is received. We take a look at four different versions, just as there are four gospels. But I do feel that the message could be summarized in two words: Peace out!

The Life of Brian (1979)
Director: Terry Jones

Clearly the most respectful representation of Jesus on film makes him little more than a background character. But he's also clearly a force that's working in the background, coming up in people's conversations and affecting their acts. It's a contemporary film, you know. The Monty Python group famously disagreed among themselves about how blasphemous their biblical comedy should be. But eventually they decided that rather than attacking religious symbols, their film should be about the religious followers and how wrong they get even the simplest of message of loving your neighbor wrong. The film's first sketch after the opening credits features people mishearing Jesus speaking about how the meek are the blessed ones, and take it to mean the cheese makers. The titular Brian (Graham Chapman) does hear the sermon right, but doesn't really take it to heart. When he later tries to save his own skin, he masquerades as a prophet and tries to get the message he's heard across to his pursuers. The listeners start to think of Brian as the one true Messiah even though they don't understand a word he's saying.

Jesus appears only briefly in the film's two first scenes. In the second, he's giving his Sermon of the Mountain.

This is quite a thoughtful message for a film that's designed to be first and foremost roll-on-the-floor funny. The result is one of the best comedy films ever made. But still Malcolm Muggeridge and a bunch of other narrow-minded people of course attacked the film severely blaming it to be blasphemous and confusing the comedy character of Brian with Jesus even though they both appear on the film. One might even think that they might not have seen the film at all. As a result of the controversy, the film was banned altogether in Norway.

But wait? Preaching about the power of love, and the dangers of putting greed and the self-perceived moral superiority before it? Trying to make corrupted religious leaders to see the error of their ways? Having to endure a shit storm because of it as well as a what was meant to be a public humiliation, but turned out to bring out the power of the words tenfold? Monty Python seems to have their equivalent in history after all.

Ex-leper: "Half a dinare for me bloody life story?!"
Brian: "There's no pleasing some people."
Ex-leper: "That's just what Jesus said, sir!"

★★★★★

Godspell (1973)
Director: David Greene

If another portrayal of Jesus should have earned as big a controversy it would have been this musical that attempts to bring the Gospel to these hip young urban people of today (or rather, the early 70's). The attempt is equal parts a musical and a clown act. As a result, Jesus is cast as a skinny hippie with a huge jewfro (Victor Garber). I know he's supposed to be from a class of citizens the most of society looks down on, but this is ridiculous.

Yup. He looks like this for the whole movie.

Running through the streets of New York, Jesus and his apostles play out the various stories he used as parables to his teachings. Too bad the clown group does them the most obnoxious way possible, clowning around with exaggerated faces, gestures and silly voices. The end result resembles one of those well-meaning acts touring around Elementary Schools that attempt to make Public Service Announcements cool, but instead just raise distaste and repulsion. One starts to hope all the hippie apostles could be crucified at the end of the film as well.

But several scenes in the film are so insane as to make the whole thing worth it. In particular the one where Jesus talks to the huge monster representing the Pharisees and Judges is memorable. Also the beginning scene where John the Baptist (or is it Judas) gets the apostles together from their mundane jobs, which ends in them digging up scrap at a junkyard is totally outrageous. During the course of the film, the director forgets whether the players are just playing out the stories of the Gospel straight to the viewers, or attempt to film the life of Jesus. But the songs themselves aren't too bad and the helicopter shots of 70's New York are interesting enough. As a musical, this has rightfully been forgotten under such contemporary pieces as Jesus Christ Superstar and Hair.

Jesus: "Did I ever tell you I used to read feet? Some people read palms or tea leaves. I read feet. Look what it says! Ahh, it says 'Rejoice.'"

★ 1/2

The Milky Way (La voie lactee, 1968)
Director: Luis Buñuel

Luis Buñuel's classic pilgrimage film isn't all about Jesus (altough he does appear here and there, played by Bernand Verley), but it is all about religion. The ambitious film looks at various Catholic dogmas and studies theology in sequences taking place at various points in time and space. Buñuel doesn't attempt to be blasphemous, and declares at the closing credits that the entire film's script being from either the Bible or old theological books. Nevertheless, he can't resist the temptation of allowing his images tell a little of his own thoughts about each subject. The way in which he brings old texts to images is very much his own.

At surface level, the film is about two down-on-their-luck pilgrims, Pierre and Jean (Paul Frankeur and Laurent Terzieff), in the modern day taking a walk to see the relics at Santiago de Compostela. Along the way, either they have supernatural experiences and travel back in time, or their imagination pictures the historical sequences as they happen. All of them seem to deal with some sort of heretics who have abandoned the old dogmas and come up with a reasoning leading to the development of new ones. Fransisco Aranda sums the six catholic dogmas that awaken hereticism as the following:
1) Jesus is both a God and a living human being at the same time.
2) The trinity: God has three different forms at the same time.
3) The wine and bread at the Holy Communion turn into Christ's body and blood.
4) Jesus being born straight from the Holy Spirit without sex being involved.
5) Humans have free will, but God has a preconception of all their deeds.
6) The nature of evil; why God allows evil if He hasn't himself created it.

Jesus can appear at any time level of the film, often talking with his apostles about the dogmas and correcting their errors in his own mystical way. Buñuel's film is of course, groundbreaking. The interest in the piece as a whole depends on how interested one is in these representations, how familiar one is with these leading religious disputes and how willing the viewer is to open up with a film that's more an essay than a coherent story or even a string of episodes. Buñuel's unbelievable courage to do whatever he wants, his sense of humour and his colorful imagery do make the film interesting even if the viewer wouldn't agree to meet all these conditions.

Jesus: "No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."

★★★ 1/2

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Director: Lee Demarbre

Lastly, we have an exploitation film that has little to no interest in Christ's teachings and theology. It utilizes Jesus as a character purely because of his recognizability and his reputation as a troublemaker as much as a peacemaker. Abraham Lincoln may have a similar big-budgeted re-imagination lining up this year, but truly outrageous exploitation needs to be done with zero budget and a lot more ideas than they have money for.

After a group of lesbian vampires that can walk in daylight start wrecking havoc, a punk rock priest prays for Jesus to makw the second coming. And Jesus does, but he soon finds out that his old tricks, crosses and holy water can't handle the vampires alone. So he starts to attempt to become modernized, cutting his hair and beard off and changing his style in clothes. He gets help from Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton), and later from the Mexican Saint himself, the wrestler El Santos (sic)! Jesus needs all the help he can get in his attempt to stop the evil Dr. Praetorious (Josh Grace) before he can figure out how to make the vampires even stronger with his genetic manipulation, and allow them to take over the world.

The power of Christ compels you!

So, it's another high concept fan film, where the budget is minimal, the acting atrocious and sets non-existent. But there's still plenty of fun to be had with the total goofiness of the concept and the makers taking the idea and running with it. The different ways with which vampires can be killed for instance get interesting variations. A bathroom scrap which sees the fanged ones get stabbed into heart with a plunger stick and that utilizes one poor soul taking a crap but never missing a beat in vampire-killing is pure silliness gold. It seems the film is mostly a parody of the Blade films that attempted a similar approach at the time. This approach works as it brings out how silly this over-serious, vampire killing kung fu action reaching for coolness on surface level, actually is. Jesus is also treated more or less with respect, with him having a nugget of wisdom or two about the situation at hand. One also has to love a film about Jesus that ends in a Caddyshack -style group party where everyone is promised to get laid!

Jesus (about lesbians): "There's nothing deviant about love."

★ or ★★★★★

Night Visions Back To Basics 3011 - Night 2

I had loads of fun at Night Visions as always, but I think I'm getting too old to stay awake two nights in a row. So unless I discover the joys of crystal meth, this'll be the only NV report I'll write in two parts. Enjoy the second one! This night's theme seemed to be ugly moustaches as nearly every film had at least one. Italian ones had several.

Cold Fish (Tsumetai nettaigyo)
Director: Sion Sono
Japan, 2010

The story behind Sion Sono's latest film, Cold Fish, is based on actual facts. Only dog kennel keeping is switched to having an aquarium in this thriller about business brutality. Two aquarium keepers become friends after the friendly-seeming Mr. Murata (Denden) hires the thieving teenaged daughter of Mr. Shamoto (Mitsuru Fukikoshi) in his shop. But it soon turns out that Murata is in fact a cruel psychopath, dealing with the yakuza and officials both with brutal ways. Shamoto is soon tangled to Murata's web of lies and nasty businesses, but is too much of a pushover to oppose his dominance. But like one can see from films like Straw Dogs, you can only push one so far, until he has to bite back. Yet on the line are not only his oppressor, but also his dysfunctional family, over which he wants to take on a new dominance.

The character of Murata is a fascinating and memorable villain. In the beginning he seems genuinely excited in seeing exotic fishes and joking around with people he barely knows. Yet he is a lot colder than would seem on the outside. He truly cares more for fish than people, as he has a talent of pulling people's strings to do his bidding. People are objects to him, and able to be disposed of when they outlive their usefulness. His aquarium shop is filled with teenaged girls in skimpy costumes and he can take any woman he wants with a mixture of lies of understanding them and taking what he wants with force. His sense of humour extends to the dirty part of his business and he derives great joy in chopping his victim's corpses and plays around with different organs. Veteran character actor Denden does great job in bringing this human monster to life and his character is one of the greatest criminal characters seen in recent years.

Sono's latest film takes a big leap into a darker territory. Unlike the preceding 4-hour Love Exposure, Cold Fish runs on a little bit too long, and feels repetitive. It deals with many of the same themes, such as the state of families, the unfairness of Japan's society which pushes people to do deperate things and one person's decision to fight for a more pleasant ending. One still can't claim that this tale filled with hopelessness, fear and pain isn't gripping. Cold Fish is also trencehed in black humour Sion handles very well. He also utilizes a lot of the familiar Christian imagery in the background of its violent atrocities. By delivering another corker, Sono is well on his way of becoming his native country's most interesting  modern filmmaker.

★★★★

The Troll Hunter (Trolljegeren)
Director: André Øvredal
Norway, 2010

As much as I'd like to think this kind of "lost footage", handheld camera fantasy film has seen its heyday, every once in a while comes along a truly fun one. This plays like the mixture of Cloverfield and Rare Exports, all the while staying decidedly Norwegian. I especially enjoy how straight-faced the director Øvredal depicts his really ridiculous fantasy story. 

While looking to do a documentary film about bear pouchers, film students Finn, Kalle and Johanna stumble upon a fact hidden by the Norwegian government. The huge trolls from folk tales do exist! They begin to follow a troll ranger Hans (the kick-ass Otto Jespersen) around, doing his daily job. Hans has a problem at his hands as more and more trolls have broken their habitat and eaten cattle. The poor chap is in charge of all the trolls in the whole country and has to execute the most dangerous specimen. Tired of his dangerous and dreadful job, he plans to unveil the truth about how trolls are handled, and thus helps the students to finish their film by taking them along.

There's been so many re-imaginings about vampires and such common folk tale-creatures that one has to wonder why no one thought of doing the same for trolls before. In Øvredal's version, trolls can smell the blood of a Christian (not atheists or apparently muslims) and turn to stone or explode by sunlight (or the UV light equivelent). And they look as silly with their big noses and beady little eyes, as they would in an illustration in a children's book. The trolls do not, however talk, or have eating contests with people. A lot of time is to create the athmosphere of changing places, so there's a lot of shots of people sitting in cars, listening to a Norwegian easy listening radio and looking at the landscape. There's a lot of road movie in the film. The Troll Hunter is a little bit overlong and would need tightening up from here and there. But when it is funny, it is inventive and exciting and thus well worth a watch for all genre-fans.

★★★ 1/2


Violent Naples (Napoli Violenta)
Director: Umberto Lenzi
Italy/France, 1976

I was informed only later on that this Eurocrime film is in fact a direct sequel, to a film called Violent Rome. This might explain why it seemed to take off so soon in the beginning. It's not a hard film to follow, after all. Violent policemen chase after even more violent criminals to bring down their organization.

The moustached inspector Betti (Maurizio Merli) arrives to Naples and seems to be pissed off about it. The crime boss Comandante welcomes him into town by attempting to kill him right from the start. Criminals are afraid of the tough, uncompromaising yet fair and untouchable one-man army. Betti wovs to bring down the town's mafia and starts to systematically bring down crime Poor petty riminals get to feel his wrath as he is a man who will smash their faces into car windows to get answers.

Like is usual for an European crime film of that era, the corruption goes to every branch of the society and it can be weeded out only by being tougher than the toughies and squarer than a mathemathician's window frame. There's also a fine chase scene or two through the picturesque streetviews of the city of Naples. This one ends on a Unibahn track. It's a pity I had just previously seen the brilliant Fear Over the City, after which almost anything would seem more boring. Violent Naples is a fine basic genre piece, yet there is very little to bring it forward among its peers. Of course, this view might also be because of my tiredness.

★★★

Love Camp 7
Director: Lee Frost
USA, 1969

Love Camp 7 is apparently a pioneer of nazi prison camp exploitation films. This sub-genre was at its peak from the golden age of grindhouse cinemas in the 70's to the video nasty times of the 80's. They offer some cheap tits, bush and sadism, and pass it all claiming to be based on actual events. This all seemed to begin in the summer of '69.

One can see Love Camp 7 comes from more innocent times. Sex scenes comprise of Nazis kissing and squeezing naked women above the waist with their pants on. The violence is not really any more harsh than in mainstream war movies of the time. Some nazi punishments would be cruel in real world, but the sets and actors all are so fake, I wouldn't think anyone would mistake this for being based on any reality. Indeed, most of the nazis were played by jews. And the women by unnaturally fit and big-boobed specimen who seem more comfrotable with their clothes off than with reciting dialogue. The film copy showed in NV seemed to be cut, as we never saw the camp's female doctor even though there was a lot of talk about her.

The story, in case it interests anyone is that two female commandoes are sent to infiltrate the Nazi Camp #7. It is set as a relaxation point for tired soldiers, and houses a bunch of well-built jewish women that Nazi officers and guards are free to rape. The women are in the camp to find a jewish scientist who has an invention that could change the course of the war. Funnily enough, this invention is soon forgotten amid all the sexing.

★★★

Night Of Bloody Horror
Director: Joy N. Houck Jr.
USA, 1969

I'll have to admit that I slept through most of this film and thus am not qualified to give it a rating. It seemed to be a carbon-copy of Psycho, with some really psychedelic imagery. The raw violence is also ahead of its time.

The Late Great Planet Earth
Director: Robert Amram
USA, 1979

Orson Welles hosts this pseudo-documentary by weird cultists that tries to convince us that the End is Nigh. According to the film's logic, since many prophecies in the Bible came true in the early centuries, the Book of Revelations must come true, too. The film goes on to try to prove parts of Revealations to point to modern issues and news items of the 70's. Boy, how the maker's faces must have been red when the Soviet Union broke down before no one had the idea of rebuilding Solomon's castle in Israel. Conviniently the film passes some of the most unbelievable parts of the Book, such as extremely odd-looking angels blowing horns and bringing destruction and Death deciding to avoid the people seeking him.

Welles himself appears in person only in the beginning, picking up a prophet's skull. At the point of late 70's the bloated cinema genius had already sunken to new lows to pay for his whiskey habit. Yet he does bring dignity to this piece that seriously needs it. The filmed filler sequences in the beginning with silly prophets and their misadventures are like something out of Life of Brian. The overuse of similar stock footage, such as missiles getting send up in the air or bombs exploding in a desert, effectively destroy all the poignancy the film is seeking. Although the documentary's claimes are filled with holes, it is not that funny after all. But still a weird enough sign o' the times already passed to bring out a chuckle or two in the middle of the night.

★★

Pieces (Mil gritos tiene la noche)
Director: Juan Piquer Simon
Spain/USA, 1982

Pieces may be my favorite slasher film of all time, so it was a hoot to see it on big screen with an appreciative audience. The film's style and story owes a lot to Italian giallo films of the time, as well as the countless Halloween ripoffs with teens getting killed produced in the US. It's a nice exploitation cocktail, then. But with a lot weirder sequences than one would be used to.

In the 40's a devout Christian mother beats and belittles her child for solving a filthy pin-up jigsaw puzzle. The boy takes revenge by killing the mother with an axe and sawing up her body. 40 years later in a local college, someone is pretending to be a gardener so he has an excuse to run around with a chainsaw and cut teenage girls to bits. On the case are Det. Lt. Bracken (Christopher George), Det. Sgt. Holden (Frank Brana) and undercover setective Mary Riggs (Lynda Day George). For some reason they all seem really adamant of getting help from frat boy stud Kendall (Ian Sera). The school's real gardener (who looks exactly like Bud Spencer) is out of the question even though he happens to be on the crime scene and likes to brawl with arresting police men Incredible Hulk -style. The real murderer must be discovered before he can complete his ultimate goal – a human jigsaw puzzle made out of body parts of women!

Although I love Pieces to pieces, I must admit that it's not the most coherent film of all time. Characters come and go inexplainably and some scenes seem to have little to do with the film's plot, nevermind sense. In one of the best scenes the tennis teacher is attacked by a Bruce Lee clone for no reason. When Kendall arrives on the scene, the karateka shrugs the whole affair off saying he must've eaten bad chop suey. Instead of building a threatening athmosphere or shocking with brutality (of which there is a fine amount), the real strength of Pieces is its talent of really surprising viewers. When the whole film doesn't have to worry about making any sort of sense, it becomes pretty clear that anything can and will happen. This goes on until the final seconds with one of the most WTF endings the horror genre has ever seen.

I am tempted to give Pieces a ★★★★ for it is clearly one of the best slasher films I've ever seen. Yet, I think the Trash film rating does it more favours.

★ or ★★★★★

So this was heaps of fun this time around. Looking forward to the next time. In the words of a dick hungry bimbo in Pieces; I promise to control myself if we do it again.

Bye Bye Bristol

One of the best places in Helsinki was stripped away from us film fans last weekend as the film theatre Bristol was closed. The theatre had been viewing films since 1961. For me, Bristol was always something of a hidden gem in the city's theatre lineup. It was a big theatre, showing interesting films, but with kind of few other moviegoers. If I wanted to see a film on an opening night, Bristol was the best bet to get good seats. I remember seeing Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring there for the first time. However, the viewing experience then wasn't so pleasant, as people threw popcorn off the balcony, someone smoked in the matinee constantly and people didn't turn off their mobile phones. I've heard rumours that Bristol was also the theatre where Finnkino put it's worst employees to work.

Nevertheless, Bristols seats were comfrotable, there was plenty of leg space and the first row on the balcony was probably the best place to see a giant blockbuster in my home city. Bristol became a comfrotable place for me also because it held a great number of press screenings of films. So there I saw the Good (Where the Wild Things Are), the Bad (Big Momma's House 2) and the Underrated (X-Men: The Last Stand) for the first time.

The final weekend's programme consisted screenings of old classic films. It was ridiculously awesome to see Conan the Barbarian on a big screen, in a theatre packed to the rafters but me and my friend in my favorite place, balcony front row, centre. I won't do a Conan review now, as I have bigger plans for the barbarian epic in the future. Suffice to say, this story shall also be told. I hadn't time to see other classic films that weekend as I had something of a christmas rush at work. Seeing Back to the Future, Talvisota and Jaws on it's giant screen would've also been cool. But there was no way I was going to miss Bristol's final screening.

Ben-Hur (1959)
Director: William Wyler

The classic Hollywood Epic Ben-Hur was the film which was also the first film ever shown at Bristol. I give big props for the theatre staff for arranging the screening to be accurate, from the playing of the opening music for the first ten minutes and having the Intermission time. Minuses for the modern audience not aware of these old-time habits.

I hadn't seen the classic before. As the film itself features occurences running parallel to the story of Jesus Christ, it was also more than suitable film to be shown so close to Christmas. For a person who thinks Life of Brian is one of the best films ever made like myself, Ben-Hur was also a fun ride. The Pythons clearly got a number of ideas for their masterpiece from the classic poster to the opening and closing scenes. I just about could manage in the theatre without starting to shout quotes like "Blessed are the cheese-makers", "Welease Wodewick!" and "Alms for an ex-leper!" during the course of the film.

Sure, Ben-Hur was quite pompous. It shoe-horned its Christian message to the point of boredom during the last twenty minutes and in every now and then during its course of three hours and 45 minutes. At its core it starts as a simple revenge story of a man wronged, but rising up from his downfall to avenge his fate to his oppressor. It is a pure Count of Monte Cristo story in the beginning. The titular Judah ben Hur (Charlton Heston) is condemned for a crime he didn't commit by his former friend Messallah (Stephen Boyd). Messallah wants to rise up in the ranks of the Roman military and sees this conviction as a way for better circles. Ben Hur goes on from being a slave to a war hero and then to become an adoptive son of a Roman aristocrat Quintus Arrius (Jack Hawkins) and a very powerful man himself. But he always keeps his vengeance and worry about the fate of his family in his heart.

I felt that the plot was oddly structured. Everyone has at least heard of the chariot scene in the film, but how it is glued to the actual story never makes sense to me. Why would a powerful Roman consul race lowly peasants often enough to be the best of the best in races which have a huge death toll? How convinient that Judah learns just the art of races during his time as an adopted son of a Roman aristocrat. The character motivations are also flimsy and switch from their goals bit by bit. The characterization isn't stable to say the least.

Nevertheless, the main scene itself is just as breathtaking as it had been promised to be. The stunt work is nothing short of marvellous, the editing, the sense of speed and of course the crashes made my pulse go from 0 to 200 in seconds. And to see it on a canvas as large as at Bristol. Wow! I can see George Lucas was inspires to make the pod race from Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace here. As it is shoehorned to the plot just as badly, Lucas makes the mistake that the viewers don't give two shits about anyone racing and the might as well be robots. In Ben-Hur, however, the antagonism of Judah ben Hur and Messallah culminates in the scene, as well as their worldviews. Messallah uses his horses purely as a mean for his own victory and constantly beats them to do a better job. Judah loves his horses and to keep them from harm is more important to him than gaining positions in the race. He fights Messalah only when he is attacked first and with Messalah's own weapons, the whip and the wheel. As he is shown to be such a good character I was waiting for him to forgive Messalah for his sins at his deathbed after the race. But Judah actually just gets even angrier.

One can see the Christian moral story of refusing the help of Jesus until it seems too late. Yet for the repenting one, redemption can still come. It is as flat as can be as long as morales are concerned, but at least Christ symbolizes here what he is supposed to: forgiveness to others and peace within oneself. One surely would need those qualities today as well as then.

★★★ 1/2

Night Visions & Hurme This Season

Let's take a look at the horror film festivals we had this autumn. The Biggest and oldest in Finland is of course Night Visions, which I attended for the main night. I would've liked to see many more but at least Hurme festival helps me out with that.

The Box
Directed by: Richard Kelly
Starring: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella
There might be something interesting coming from Richard Kelly yet. This one overstays its premise for a bit too long. Also I would've liked more mysteries left unsolved like in the original Donnie Darko. Nevertheless, the athmosphere is creepy and the mind games get ugly. Kind of like God playing Saw with people.
***
Best part: Freaky half-face telling Diaz the offer.

Count Dracula (Nachts, wenn Dracula erwacht, Verenhimoinen Dracula)
Directed by: Jesus Franco
Starring: Christopher Lee, Herbert Lom, Klaus Kinski
At times a serious, athmospheric vampire horror. And at better times, a hilarious camp classic. The extremely awkward finnish subtitles (placed in the middle of the screen) help this to fall more into the latter one. Features a weird action sequence where stuffed animals are supposed to come alive (according the dramatic music and the faces of the actors) and just wobble around a bit.
*** 1/2
Best bit: The marveloussly anti-climatic ending where a horse gets hit in the head by a giant boulder and doesn't mind, the heroes teleport from the road to the castle to the top of the castle, and Dracula is dropped down burning.

Jesus Christus Erlöser
Directed by: Peter Geyer
Starring Klaus Kinski
Maniac movie star Klaus Kinski tries to shout some teachings of Jesus, but gets irritated and stopped by some heckling hippies that don't agree with him. Hilarity ensues as Kinski gets mad and stops the show for hours and then begins again at the very beginning. Fascinating footage that tells a lot about its time, about Kinski's mentality and about how we actually treat religion. I don't believe Kinski has any better idea about Jesus as anyone, and he certainly doesn't act the way Christ suggest you should. The cameraman isn't always filming the action, so that takes away a whole star.
****
Best bit: Kinski refuses a hippie to speak by whisking the microphone away from him.

The Human Centipede
Directed by: Tom Six
Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlyn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura
Fucked-up and silly exploitation. Doesn't play it too rough or too camp. Dieter Laser as the mad doctor is my new hero. For a movie this rude it wastes too much time on the crying victims, though.
*** 1/2
Best bit: The mad doctor explains his plans to his helpless victims.

Hanuman, the White Monkey Warrior (Hanuman klook foon)
Directed by: Sakchai Sribonnam
Starring: Shothanya Chitmanlee, Selina Lo, Dean Alexandrou, Sornram Theppitak
For the first half this is unbelievably boring and bad. But when they brutally murder the comical sidekicks (fat guy and retarded guy) at the end of act 2, this gains some heat. The end scenes are superstupid and jaw-dropping. Not very good as a whole, but has some great scenes.
** 1/2
Best bit: I was hoping for the sidekicks to die whenever they were on screen, so when it happened, I rejoiced.

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken)
Directed by: Yoshihiro Nishimura, Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Starring: Takumi Saito, Yukie Kawamura, Eri Otoguro
Has some suitably nasty remarks about japansee youth culture but in the end this is a predictably lame high school comedy. The massive amounts of gore are always fun, but this is nowhere near as inventive or funny as Tokyo Gore Police.
**
Best bit: The wannabe-black gangur girls with their unbelievably racist amsks and zulu-props.

Super Typhoon (Chao quiang tai feng)
Directed by: Xiaoning Feng
Starring: Gang Wu, Xiaowei Liu, Xiaoying Song
Now we're talking! One of the cheesiest things I've ever seen! A Chinese catastrophe film that is bigger and more patriotic and emotional than everything Roland Emmerich has ever done put together. Also very trusting towards authorities. If a city mayor can't solve something, then it's not worth solving. Also the military provides people with much needed muscle, help and blood. All in the name of the Great China! Battling against a supermassive typhoon, flying cars and boats and even sharks, the mayor's nobility brings tears to the eyes of the common people. All while the special effect scenes are repeated over and over again and a super-cheesy soundtrack plays its two different songs. Hilarious, non-stop laughs.
* or *****
Best bit: A shark flies in from a hole in the wall. The mayor shouts: Let me take care of this! I was in the special forces! And proceeds to battle with it.

Night Visions was as much fun as always, but Hurme proved to be... not as much fun.

Tetsuo the Bullet man
Directed by: Shinya Tsukamoto
Starring: Eric Bossick, Akiko Monou, Shinya Tsukamoto
The first Tetsuo was a nightmarish surrealistic film with little sense but lots of memorable scenes. The decisions in this third one include bringing a useless plot to the picture and changing the language into english. A bad move, since many of the main actors barely speak the language. And the rest are just bad actors. Has not even any great new visuals, everything is just badly remade from the first one.
*
Best bit: The end credits

Dead Snow
Directed By: Tommy Wirkola
Starring: Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Fredriksen, Charlotte Fregner
The beginning in this is just awful as they try to flesh out characters nobody cares about. But from the stupid stupid sex scene onwards it's a real rollercoaster ride with plenty of yuks. The fact that we are dealing with NAZI zombies is not properly utilized, though. But it would be a crime to dismiss this film just because everything here is already made much better.
***
Best bit: Dangling from zombie guts over a cliff while fighting another

Skeleton Crew
Directed by: Tommi Lepola, Tero Molin
Starring: Rita Suomalainen, Steve Porter, Jonathan Rankle
I'm a bit ashamed that I enjoyed this finnish amateur pic more than it deserves. I found it cool that they managed to surprise me a couple of times and when they annoyingly flirted with the meta level at first, at last they took the baton and ran with it. Still, the acting is horrendous even though you reference at it in your movies, and the main point about all these seems to be missing. But one day maybe these guys will get it right.
** 1/2
Best bit: Finding the film they're in a'la Spaceballs

Nightmare
Directed by: Romano Scavolini
Starring: Baird Stafford, Sharon Smith, C.J. Cooke, Mik Cribben
A Halloween copy is a Halloween copy however you cut it. I was annoyed that the annoying kid didn't get his comeuppance but turned into a Death Wish vigilante. Mostly dull, but has a few highlights. Still, it's not even anywhere near anything psychological in case someone told you otherwise.
** 1/2
Best bit: The opening scene is pretty cool.