A Tale of Three Thors

Verily, I say at thee mortals in the realm of Midgard. Aye, today it beyeth Thursday, the day we honor the Son of Odin, Thor! Some Christian villains would have you celebrate Ascension of their sole god on this day, but I say thee Nay! The industry of moving images has served Asgard well, producing fine filmic evidence of the God of Thunder himself. Have at thee!

Thor (2011)
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Thor played by Chris Hemsworth

In the land of America, far beyond the seas the mightiest viking warriors have traveled, the Marvel comics version of Thor is far more well-known than the actual Scandinavian legend. The character is one of Marvel's finest, being both one of the universe's most powerful heroes, being a quite hilariously a viking in a world devoted to high-tech industry, and of course being a really pompous Shakespearean trash-talker and swashbuckler. That being said, it was by no means a given that this outlandish premise would translate well for the big screen.

I most eagerly awaited how Shakespearean director Kenneth Branagh would play the dialect and the betrayals within the family of gods on the big screen. I should've known that it usually matter, who's behind the camera in a big summer blockbuster. For my money, Thor could've just as easily been directed by Jon Favreau or Louis LeTerrier, who did the previous official Marvel Universe films. The strengths in the film lie far beyond directing, in the action scenes, actor choices and set design.

The world of Asgard doesn't stem from the viking legends, but rather from the pen of Jack Kirby. It does look awesome on screen (although I would imagine 3D doesn't add anything), even if it is a bit barren, distant and cold. I would like to see Asgardian extras in other scenes than with banquets and coronations and such. But the main charceters are mostly well-realized. Chris Hemsworth has the charisma and strength of a god, but is also more quick-tempered than his comics counterpart, which is a good choice for the story. I was happily surprised to find that Thor's friends Lady Sif and the Warriors Three made it to the movie. I would gladly cough up more money to see the further adventures of just these four. "Xena, Jackie Chan, Robin Hood..." The most awesome of all characters would be Idris Elba's Heimdall, who is huge and otherwordly and thus threatening-seeming, but actually honorable, noble and willing to fight for what's right.

Thor is a fish-out-of-water story that mostlt deals with a god cast in a regular American small town. I found the film's humour to work pretty fine, on par with the Iron Man films. It's good that these films don't take themselves way too seriously, even though films like The Dark Knight might tempt them to do so. But in real world, I would like to see a couple of more strong scenes for Natalie Portman, who does little more than swoons for Thor's abs in the film. Kat Denning's Darcy is a lot more endearing version of the same female horniness, but with better one-liners and none of the awkwardness.

The action is huge and one gets plenty of bang for one's buck. Thor also isn't portrayed as too invunerable to work as a character the audience can emphasize with. He mostly does struggle without his powers, but when hammertime arrives, it does so with a bang. The film's biggest fault is the main villain, Tom Hiddleston's Loki, who's too much of a sniveling bastard child than a mischievous master planner. I think I went too far when comparing him with other failed on-screen Marvel villains such as Dr. Doom, Venom and Elektra, as he does have an arc and his motives are somewheat believable. But his powers aren't that well-realized and his final plan is heisty and borderline stupid, something I wouldn't expect from the God of Mischief. But as Thor will be back next summer in The Avengers, I hear Loki will too, and this time it seems he has a much grander plan, according to the after-credit scene at least.

★★★ 1/2

Almighty Thor (2011)
Director: Christopher Ray
Thor played by: Cody Deal

The happy thing about Thor the ancient god of thunder is that he's a public domain character and thus anyone can make their own movie based on him. Particularly happy about this must've been the schlock-company Asylum, that makes its money by conviniently bringing out similarly-named low-budget films with every release of a major blockbuster. This time Thor at least got an "Almighty" adjective in front of it (Sherlock Holmes in 2009 wasn't so lucky). I was intrigued by this as I had heard Thor wields a machine gun in this. I was less intrigued as I heard it was produced by the SyFy channel, who have a knack of making films that seem awesome in theory (Mammoth - a film about a zombie mammoth with a soul-sucking trunk, anyone?) but simply make them so bad that such promising ideas are utterly demolished.

Luckily, Almighty Thor isn't at that level. One would exprct that such a film would over-emphasize the beginning and then run out of steam, but actually Almighty wisely saves its biggest bangs to the final reel. In this film Thor is but a youngling, not yet a true warrior. The evil wizard Loki attacks Asgard with his army of giant space coyotes and later dinosaurs, which makes the Allfather Odin launch an all-out attack against him. But even though Odin has The Hammer of Invincibility at his use, Loki manages to trick him to kill his other warriors and subsequently, Odin himself.  But Odin manages to cast the hammer to Midgard before his death, and Thor promises to retrieve it to defeat Loki. But then things get confusing as Loki suddenly seeks to destroy the Tree of Life, but still goes after Thor and his latino valkyrie sidekick. What follows is a small training period and then a never-ending parade of different fight scenes between Loki and Thor.

But the legends are still true.

The film does get boring, but it still has a few good ideas up its sleeve, which grow interest in the film all over again. The big-budgeted Thor movie could take notes for the sequel from this. At the beginning I thought Almighty's action was limited first to a forest and then to an unnamed city's back alleys because they were cheap shooting locations. I think I'm right to a certain extent, as the money is spent elsewhere. Almighty has to have a tiny CGI-budget but it still manages to throw in almost Emmerich-sized scenes of destruction in the city as Thor and Loki fight late in the film. In the other Thor, the Destroyer merely destroyed a small New Mexican town, and it never really seemed like ordinary people or our world was in any serious threat. It's handled better here. The best thing about the film is that altough the acting is often porn- or underground movie- level bad, the actors more often than not just scream their short sentences. LOKI! ODIN! THOR! I SEE YOU! And as the screamers include wrestler Kevin Nash as Odin and every A Night At The Roxbury fan's favorite Richard Grieco, we're at good hands here. And it does contain a scene where Thor pounds his own hammer in hell with his fists. AWESOME.

★★

Thor - The Rock Opera (2011)
Director: John Cody Fasano
Thor played by Jon Mikl Thor

Finally, we have the most testosterone-filled epic of them all. Little more than a streched music video for the Canadian hair metal band Thor (or T.H.O.R. as it's spelled in the credits), the film is about 40 minutes of pure ass-kicking. I've heard rumours that there would be a lot longer director's cut available on DVD, so I might check that out at some later point too. The film itself is a combination of old music videos, live gig footage and new digicam footage that seems to be shot in a nearby park. The props are all visibly made from rubber. The film's story is told by a narrator, as the images alone only confuse the audience trying to get the plot of this thing.

The film is directed and written by the son of the director of Rock 'n Roll Nightmare, John Cody Fasano and Thor band frontman Jon Mikl Thor. It's based on the Thor band comic book, which I haven't read but if I had, it probably would've cleared a thing or two for me about the very confusing plot. What I understood from it is this: The film starts as young Thor descends to Earth from a spaceship. He battles some evil dudes running toward him in a hallway, wielding his magic hammer. After his victory, Thor decides to spred the message of Rock 'n Roll for years. METAL! But then, a cult worshipping a hilarious deep-voiced giant snake god kidnaps Thor's wife (Police Academy and Devil's Rejects star Leslie Easterbrook) and turns her into a superpowered witch. Thor can change her back but then for some reason he has to kill her. It was her dying wish, you see. Then Thor goes and beats up one of the servants of the serpent and the movie ends there. Huh?!

The most kickass thing about this would be the closeups on 70's Thor' muscles. They are best emphasized on a scene where he punches through a concrete wall and flexes his biceps through the crack. Also, the rubber snake in one point shouts "SILENCE!" to his annoying Australian accomplice and bites his head.

The film works perfectly as the opening act for Thor's gigs as it's completely cheesy but at the same time oddly honest. Plus, it contains more than its fair share of scenes where the viewing rock warriors can hoot and cheer together. You just know watching this that the main event is yet to come. And you get just the right shot of adrenaline to prepare for it.

★★★★★ (or if you're Loki or some other motherfucker, ★)

The Arnold Project, part I: Arnold Strong, Mr. Universe!

 
Everyone's favorite action star, Arnold Schwarzenegger recently left his office as the governor of California. No one is quite sure of what he'll do next. Many would like him to return to films. I, however am not one of them. The biggest reason is to watch Arnold's films from the time just before he chose to quit. No, we have plenty of good Arnold moments from the past as well. I hereby start a new series here in this blog, in which I will watch every one of Arnold's feature films (some TV movies and documentaries may be too hard to find so they'll have to be excused). They run mostly according to a certain subject, each representing a phase in Arnold's career. At this first part we look at Arnold's first steps on the silver screen. It was a time in which he was mostly cast as a body builder. This sort of exploitation is understandable, as Arnold was Mr. Universe multiple times, and more known from that than from his films. Arnold wasn't yet a fully grown into his later bad-ass persona. Many films used him as just an extra. I'll take a look at them later on. Here, I look at his first starring roles.

Hercules in New York (1969)
Director: Arthur Allan Seidelman

I'll be helpful and put a link here to the only part in Hercules in New York worth watching. Hilarious, isn't it? But don't get fooled by this premise. The rest of the film is as much fun as sticking pins under your fingernails. I would especially warn everyone from watching the film while hungover. The Greek elevator music that goes in a seemingly never-ending loop in the background makes anyone feel nauseous and the horrible "comedy" this film offers won't help things one bit.



The ancient Greek god Zeus sends Hercules (Schwarzenegger using an alias of Arnold Strong) to modern New York, as he wishes to have adventures on Earth. After a few unfunny fish out of water scenes Hercules meets a little weasel called Pretzie (Arnold Stang) who starts posing as his friend. He then starts promoting Herc as an unbeatable wrestler. Hercules also has a romantic interest on Earth. Zeus starts to get irritated on Hercules' adventures and orders one by one different ancient Greek gods to bring him home. They all fail. That isn't the only thing that fails in the film.

Arnold himself has expressed regret in making this film. I find it a fitting link to the bodybuilders of yesteryears who often got to making cheap sword and sandal (or peplum) flicks in Italy or Spain. But Arnold would of course deserve better. As a 22-year-old his accent was so incomprihensible that all his lines were redubbed by another actor for the film.

★



Hercules: Ha, ha, ha. You have strucked Hercules.

Stay Hungry (1976)
Director: Bob Rafaelson

Stay Hungry boasts of "introducing" Arnold Schwarzenegger, and won a Golden Globe for that to boot. In theory this is true, as Arnold did use a fake name in Hercules in New York. Most would want to forget that movie anyway. This is at least the first time Arnold's real voice is heard on screen, and his accent is still really thick. Although sadly Stay Hungry isn't much better, it is at least more entertaining.

This film is a real mess as well, with a stupid and clichéd story told unnecessarily confusingly. Jeff Bridges plays a rich young wannabe businessman Craig Blake that helps a big corporation take over a city block, estate by estate. The only one left is the gym Olympic that boasts of being the one that Mr. Universe wannabe Joe Santo (guess who) trains in. True to his name, Santo likes to wear luchador masks while pumping iron, although everyone clearly knows who he is. Blake infiltrates the gym as a new customer and soon becomes friends with Santo. Things get even further complicated as he falls for the gym's receptionist Marie-Tate (Sally Field). The simple way of life of the gym users (which consists of partying) turns Blake's head and he realizes how rotten the yuppie way of life is. He still has to stop the evil grinders of the syndicate before they force the gym out of business.

It's weird to notice, that as Hercules in New York resembles Thor a little, this film's plot is basically the same one than in Avatar. That alone tells how original this film is. It is supposed to be a comedy yet all the laughs come at inappropriate places. The hillbilly hoedown scene where Arnold plays the fiddle and Bridges dances is worth the admission price alone. There are also other irrational scenes that seem to fit poorly with the rest of the film, yet are a miracle to behold. These include every one of the bodybuilders participating in the Mr. Universe competition running down the streets of Birmingham, the drug- and alcohol-filled masseus's date with a hooker that goes awry, Scatman Crothers losing his shit from Bridges and Filed's antics in an antique house, and of course the fight between Bridges and the bug-ugly gym owner, where they throw weights and poles at each other in a gym. Best to see it drunk, you won't understand anything if sober.

★ or ★★★★★

Joe Santo (on why he doesn't go on another date with a girl he likes): I don't like being too comfrotable. Once you get used to it, it's hard to give up. I'd rather stay hungry.

Pumping Iron (1977)
Director: George Butler, Robert Fiore

Pumping Iron is such a big cult classic that it must be included in every list featuring Arnold's movies even if one would wish to focus on fictional films. The documentary follows Schwarzenegger as well as some other notable bodybuilders on the route to becoming Mr. Universe. At this point in his career, Arnold had been awarded the titles of Mr. Olympia and Mr. Universe multiple times and seemed to be unbeatable in the game. Steel worker's son Lou Ferrigno seems like an underdog conventional movie plots would have would beat the champion. However, Arnold went on to become the biggest star in the world whereas Ferrigno later became TV's Incredible Hulk. That may give a hint how things work out in real life.

For any Arnold fan, Pumping Iron is an essential part in forming an image of the idol. Arnold seems mostly a good sport, but he does have a more mischievous side to him. He admits to give his competitors false advice and feels a bit cocky about his art of posing. Arnold compares body pumping and posing to sexual release and it seems like he really means it. The film ends in him announcing his retiring from bodybuilding contests. He probably sook to improve his film resumeé. He still was a long way from being a big star, as anoter documentary, The Comeback documents his return to the sport he masters.

Arnold Is Numero Uno!

★★★★

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I was always dreaming about very powerful people, dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered.

The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980)
Director: Dick Lowry

Make no mistake about it, The Jayne Mansfield Story is a clear TV movie. It looks cheap, it feels cheap and it acts cheap. In some circles, however, this is a real cult classic in bad filmmaking. I myself didn't find it interesting enough to worship, but I can see what tickles the funny ribs of some jokers in this.

In case you didn't know, Jayne Mansfield was Hollywood's biggest blonde bombshell, who took it upon herself to be bigger than Marilyn Monroe. She married (and later divorced) the body builder Mickey Hargitay. Her career took a big bump from the death of Marilyn that caused a decline in demand for blonde actresses in Hollywood. She resorted to being a Playboy model. She was killed in a car crash that decapitated her.

The movie itself starts with the car crash so it doesn't have anything interesting to build up to. Interestingly, after Pumping Iron it's the first fictional film that takes Arnold's role into the square centre of the film. He works as a narrator and you can probably guess how good it will work out. For one, he never even manages to pronounce his supposed wife's first name correctly, calling her "Chayne". Other than Arnold's ridiculous voiceovers, there's very little to like here. Mansfield (as portrayed by Loni Anderson) isn't really anyone you could relate to, and comes across the movie as a demanding and prissy little glamour princess. Hargitay, on the other hand, comes across as a dim-witted but well-meaning boy toy, doing sit ups by the swimming pool. And the movie doesn't really delve into Mansfield's other affairs or even the other marriages. The film is really way too clean cut, with hardly even references to drugs or sex, nevermind the depravities Mansfield sunk to careerless. On a better story this wouldn't be a problem, but really, the sinning is really the only thing worth any interest in the blonde actress. The death scene itself is a little moody but hopes for seeing a decapitated head are diminished both times the same sequence is shown.

★★

Mickey Hargitay: Ass Chayne always sayed apout her caweer...


Next Time on The Arnold Project: Arnold the Barbarian!

Night Visions & Hurme This Season

Let's take a look at the horror film festivals we had this autumn. The Biggest and oldest in Finland is of course Night Visions, which I attended for the main night. I would've liked to see many more but at least Hurme festival helps me out with that.

The Box
Directed by: Richard Kelly
Starring: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella
There might be something interesting coming from Richard Kelly yet. This one overstays its premise for a bit too long. Also I would've liked more mysteries left unsolved like in the original Donnie Darko. Nevertheless, the athmosphere is creepy and the mind games get ugly. Kind of like God playing Saw with people.
***
Best part: Freaky half-face telling Diaz the offer.

Count Dracula (Nachts, wenn Dracula erwacht, Verenhimoinen Dracula)
Directed by: Jesus Franco
Starring: Christopher Lee, Herbert Lom, Klaus Kinski
At times a serious, athmospheric vampire horror. And at better times, a hilarious camp classic. The extremely awkward finnish subtitles (placed in the middle of the screen) help this to fall more into the latter one. Features a weird action sequence where stuffed animals are supposed to come alive (according the dramatic music and the faces of the actors) and just wobble around a bit.
*** 1/2
Best bit: The marveloussly anti-climatic ending where a horse gets hit in the head by a giant boulder and doesn't mind, the heroes teleport from the road to the castle to the top of the castle, and Dracula is dropped down burning.

Jesus Christus Erlöser
Directed by: Peter Geyer
Starring Klaus Kinski
Maniac movie star Klaus Kinski tries to shout some teachings of Jesus, but gets irritated and stopped by some heckling hippies that don't agree with him. Hilarity ensues as Kinski gets mad and stops the show for hours and then begins again at the very beginning. Fascinating footage that tells a lot about its time, about Kinski's mentality and about how we actually treat religion. I don't believe Kinski has any better idea about Jesus as anyone, and he certainly doesn't act the way Christ suggest you should. The cameraman isn't always filming the action, so that takes away a whole star.
****
Best bit: Kinski refuses a hippie to speak by whisking the microphone away from him.

The Human Centipede
Directed by: Tom Six
Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlyn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura
Fucked-up and silly exploitation. Doesn't play it too rough or too camp. Dieter Laser as the mad doctor is my new hero. For a movie this rude it wastes too much time on the crying victims, though.
*** 1/2
Best bit: The mad doctor explains his plans to his helpless victims.

Hanuman, the White Monkey Warrior (Hanuman klook foon)
Directed by: Sakchai Sribonnam
Starring: Shothanya Chitmanlee, Selina Lo, Dean Alexandrou, Sornram Theppitak
For the first half this is unbelievably boring and bad. But when they brutally murder the comical sidekicks (fat guy and retarded guy) at the end of act 2, this gains some heat. The end scenes are superstupid and jaw-dropping. Not very good as a whole, but has some great scenes.
** 1/2
Best bit: I was hoping for the sidekicks to die whenever they were on screen, so when it happened, I rejoiced.

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken)
Directed by: Yoshihiro Nishimura, Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Starring: Takumi Saito, Yukie Kawamura, Eri Otoguro
Has some suitably nasty remarks about japansee youth culture but in the end this is a predictably lame high school comedy. The massive amounts of gore are always fun, but this is nowhere near as inventive or funny as Tokyo Gore Police.
**
Best bit: The wannabe-black gangur girls with their unbelievably racist amsks and zulu-props.

Super Typhoon (Chao quiang tai feng)
Directed by: Xiaoning Feng
Starring: Gang Wu, Xiaowei Liu, Xiaoying Song
Now we're talking! One of the cheesiest things I've ever seen! A Chinese catastrophe film that is bigger and more patriotic and emotional than everything Roland Emmerich has ever done put together. Also very trusting towards authorities. If a city mayor can't solve something, then it's not worth solving. Also the military provides people with much needed muscle, help and blood. All in the name of the Great China! Battling against a supermassive typhoon, flying cars and boats and even sharks, the mayor's nobility brings tears to the eyes of the common people. All while the special effect scenes are repeated over and over again and a super-cheesy soundtrack plays its two different songs. Hilarious, non-stop laughs.
* or *****
Best bit: A shark flies in from a hole in the wall. The mayor shouts: Let me take care of this! I was in the special forces! And proceeds to battle with it.

Night Visions was as much fun as always, but Hurme proved to be... not as much fun.

Tetsuo the Bullet man
Directed by: Shinya Tsukamoto
Starring: Eric Bossick, Akiko Monou, Shinya Tsukamoto
The first Tetsuo was a nightmarish surrealistic film with little sense but lots of memorable scenes. The decisions in this third one include bringing a useless plot to the picture and changing the language into english. A bad move, since many of the main actors barely speak the language. And the rest are just bad actors. Has not even any great new visuals, everything is just badly remade from the first one.
*
Best bit: The end credits

Dead Snow
Directed By: Tommy Wirkola
Starring: Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Fredriksen, Charlotte Fregner
The beginning in this is just awful as they try to flesh out characters nobody cares about. But from the stupid stupid sex scene onwards it's a real rollercoaster ride with plenty of yuks. The fact that we are dealing with NAZI zombies is not properly utilized, though. But it would be a crime to dismiss this film just because everything here is already made much better.
***
Best bit: Dangling from zombie guts over a cliff while fighting another

Skeleton Crew
Directed by: Tommi Lepola, Tero Molin
Starring: Rita Suomalainen, Steve Porter, Jonathan Rankle
I'm a bit ashamed that I enjoyed this finnish amateur pic more than it deserves. I found it cool that they managed to surprise me a couple of times and when they annoyingly flirted with the meta level at first, at last they took the baton and ran with it. Still, the acting is horrendous even though you reference at it in your movies, and the main point about all these seems to be missing. But one day maybe these guys will get it right.
** 1/2
Best bit: Finding the film they're in a'la Spaceballs

Nightmare
Directed by: Romano Scavolini
Starring: Baird Stafford, Sharon Smith, C.J. Cooke, Mik Cribben
A Halloween copy is a Halloween copy however you cut it. I was annoyed that the annoying kid didn't get his comeuppance but turned into a Death Wish vigilante. Mostly dull, but has a few highlights. Still, it's not even anywhere near anything psychological in case someone told you otherwise.
** 1/2
Best bit: The opening scene is pretty cool.