Worst of the Worst II: The Worsening

Let's do this.

LIVE - from the beautiful Villa Ihalainen in Eastern Helsinki. It is a Dark and Stormy Night and celebrities flock to the huge gala celebrating the 200th blog post of The Last Movieblog. I've already spotted David Hasselhoff on a T-shirt and Marilyn Monroe on a painting. And isn't that a cartoon image of Michael Caine? Oh - and this just in: There's double the reason to celebrate tonight, since the blog's visitor number has just passed 150,000! Over to blogkeeper Paavo Ihalainen for comments:

"Well, it's been a patchy year and I haven't been able to update as much as I've liked to. Oh, I've written plenty about movies to other places, but this live blogging is a means to show the world that this blog is still alive and kicking."

So, what's going to be the programme tonight?

"I wrote a rather popular text for my 100th blog post, that celebrated some silly and cheesy exploitation movies that had found newfound fame in YouTube and other media streaming sites. Since then I myself have subscribed to Netflix and get an incresingly big number of bad movies from there. The site has an impressive arsenal of famously terrible movies - many of which I have wanted to see but haven't dared to actually sit down and watch. So, as making fun of these universally loathed films is something akin to shooting fish in a barrel, and what better way to celebrate than to make me miserable, why not do both - and live."

What are we going to watch today?

"Well, I figured we could start out with the notorious Catwoman, and go on there to some other atrocities. Some possibilities include Rollerball, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and Green Lantern. You can also suggest your own pieces of cinematic shit on Twitter (handle @LastMB or hashtag #TheWorsening ) and if it makes me fear and shudder, I might get into it. This will go on until I pass out or die."

That sounds like quite an evening. I've just gotten word that we are ready to go live on to Netflix and start to view Catwoman, so get your popcorn ready and Tweets fired up and we'll go.

Catwoman (USA, 2004)
Director: Pitof

I'm guessing the Catwoman in this one isn't the first one. At least judging by the opening credits. There's been Catwomen before. And thus the one in this isn't that special.

Halle Berry starts out narrating dead in a pool. A Sunset Blvd. reference? Bad movies shouldn't acknowledge classics.

Sharon Stone had something of a comeback at this point. She did this and Basic Instinct 2, so it didn't go as well as it could've.

Eugh, I have to go through Halle Berry trying to act mousy and timid. Why can't superheroes ever start the movies already powerful?

Halle got saved by falling off a roof by a police officer. She went there to get a cat. That's this movie's strong female role model for you.

I think they picked the actor playng the love interest cop because he looks a little like Michael Keaton. He can't act worth shit.

Oh, the actor is called Benjamin Bratt and his character is, get this, Tom Lone. Han Solo's more boring cousin?

These aerial CGI shots look horrible. Like a cutscene from a PS1 game. Then again, this film IS 9 years old. Makes you think about your life.

Yeah, make the female protagonist have an opponent her own caliber. An evil cosmetics manufacturer. That's not sexist at all!

Halle died, then a group of cats wagged their tails at her and then her own cat (with serious halitosis issues) burped green radioactive gas on her. Thus, the iris in her eye changed and Catwoman was reborn! This is a terrible movie, in case you didn't know.

Was this Warner Brothers' first attempt of getting into the new wave of superheros (started by Fox & Sony's Marvel movies)? This became before Batman Begins, but after X-Men 2 and Spider-Man. It does not compare well to any of them.

Oh. Halle's still timid. Step up your game, girl!

Now she's showing her mad basketball kids to Lone Starr and a group of freaky chanting kids. They chant the "One of us" thing from Freaks, which is baffling.

Now for some faint praise. I think visually, the film isn't too shabby. It's bright, colorful and staged like comic book panels. I see they attempt the same unreal style that worked in Sam Raimi's Spider-Man. Too bad the script is horrendous and the actors either bad or poorly directed.

So Halle becomes Catwoman only by night, steals jewelry and can't remember anything in the morning. Then she's back to being timid. The Mask was done already! Give us a good female character that can stand on her own and has no regrets!

Catwoman's powers are explained to us in detail. Silly me to think she was just an expert burglar and jewel thief without any supernatural powers. Goes to shows how wrong everything is that comics teach you.

Man, that bondage gear is a horrible superhero costume. Sexy only to S&M freaks, a pain to look at for others.

Catwoman's beau is dumber than a sack of bricks, if he can't tell the woman he took out earlier and the half-nude woman in a dumb cat mask are the same person.

Have I complained about the dreadful R&B soundtrack already? Cheap and as lazy as this movie's script.

What's this movie's theme? You shouldn't attempt to stop aging and rather go through life acting like a cat? You shouldn't be mousy, but rather go and hit and hit on your boyfriend at nighttime masked? Being schizophrenic makes you more attractive? This is all over the place.

Sharon Stone has a superpower of her own! She's had so many botox shots, she's impervious to any pain. She's unconvincingly pounding Catsy around in an ad studio.

Final thoughts: The movie had potential to be an emancipating female action movie, but they saw fit to overcomplicate Catwoman's character, had a terrible script and no style whatsoever. The film is mostly by-the-numbers boring rather than truly atrocious, thus resembling the similarly forgettable Elektra. Ugh.

★ 1/2

Dungeons & Dragons (USA/Czech Republic, 2000)
Director: Courtney Solomon

The film seems to have a Dune -like quality in that I didn't understand the strange concepts in the prologue text, and have a feeling you should know the source material to get anything out of this.

Jeremy Irons, what have you wrought? He plays a wizard that obtained a cheap-looking toy wand with an odd machine.

Now here's a (bad CGI) dragon. He obeys Irons' orders since he has a green-glowing candy cane.

Already this presents a more entertaining brand of bad moviemaking. Irons chews the scenery here and the horrible effects seem to be borrowed from Hercules: the Legendary Journeys.

Oh great, here's some Star Wars: Episode I -inspired political "intrigue", where a child queen is concerned about the well-being of her subjects, while politicians play their own hand. How interesting.

There certainly are also a lot of scenes of Marlon Wayans screeching. He's the Jar Jar of this picture.

Some thieves, the princess and a dwarf who likes to break the 4th wall and address the camera directly have formed a band. They met some brightly colored aliens and now the protagonist fought for his life inside various death traps for like 20 minutes. He then found a big red ruby.

They are pursued by Jeremy Irons' blue-lipped henchman and his guards. If he doesn't succeed, Irons will take out the tentacle monster he enchanted there before.

If the acting was bad in Catwoman, it was at least uniformly bad. All the characters in this one act as if they are in different movies. Sometimes that, and the horrible dialogue produce interesting results. The guild leader shouting "I never joke, when mages invade MY GUILD!" is pronounced in an odd mixture of Christopher Walken's extra punctuations, Nicolas Cage's mania and John Malkovich's disdain (plus baldness).

The director has an odd fixation on ears. Now, a girl is interrogated by a baddie growing tentacles from his ears that connect to her ears. Ears!

A lot of fantasy cliches in this one (duh). Dwarves hate elves, fear horses, and are generally a pain in the ass. Still, better than The Hobbit II.

Although the soundtrack sounds ripped straight from The Mummy, there's a surprising lack of Avatar-chanting.

The make up budget of this movie must've been smaller than most Halloween parties. The beards and other facial hair all look clearly glued on, the ears and whatnot plastic.

Jeremy Irons needed another plastic toy sword all along. This film isn't that clear about its MacGuffins. With that he can summon some evil dragons.

Of course the CGI effects are really bad, but with this epic battle raging around and dragons flying all around, one does not get the impression of that, you know, really happening. It seems all the actors just sort of pretend they're there.

Fantasy is a genre where phallic objects come to the spotlight, and they make good use of various wands and swords banging against each other here.

Final thoughts: They went for too much epic here. Since they hadn't the budget, it's foolish to attempt to do epic dragon battles, skeletal monsters and such. With a more low key approach, this could have been a Princess Bride -style modern swashbuckler or at the very least a Hercules: The Series: The Movie. But this was ruined by casting Marlon Wayans to scream around. I'm glad he's only around for half of the movie.

★★

Highlander II: The Quickening (USA/France, 1991)
Director: Russel Mulcahy

Topical troubles: The Earth's Ozone layer is collapsing. The one Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert and his impressive hair) helps around the main scientists to build a shield to protect the Earth.

In a surprising twist, we jump forward 25 years, where an elderly McLeod is still worried about shields and ozone.

He also watches a lot of Opera.

Here we go. He's not an ancient Highlander, but... an alien from planet Zeist! Sean Connery reminds this (entirely contradictory) "fact" to us in voiceover. He was also a zeistian, fighting against the evil General Katana (ha!).

The orchestral music makes this all seem like a Popeye cartoon.

Michael Ironside plays General Katana. Maybe he can bring an ounce of class to this.

I can't stand these references to Queen songs, when they are not playing on the soundtrack. The replacements are uniformly pretty terrible.

So these aliens were exiled on earth where they were immortal and apparently lost their memory, but now the elder McLeod remembers he could go back to space since he won "The Prize" of being the last Highlander left standing. What a load of gibberish.

Eurotrash aliens! They are Katana's thugs, of course.

Since new zeistians have arrived on Earth, McLeod is no longer "the One". They, of course attempt to behead him while giggling annoyingly.

But then one dies in the battle and McLeod gets stronger again.

I haven't liked any of Mulcahy's feature films, but I got to say, he's got a unique style in staging action scenes. It's an 80's music video type of style, which is one of the reasons his career went down the toilet. This movie is another.

It's funny to hear Sean Connery say "shithead". It's the word he was born to say!

Not limited to just flashbacks, Connery's gotten better from his beheading in the first film. He has to adjust to a brave new world and you know what that means: a montage of him trying on modern clothes with a bad synthesizer version of the Wilhelm Tell Overture in the background.

This is really idiotic: An airline video demonstrating safety procedures has a plane going down and the passengers screaming in terror. I'd like to see them try to put such a film to be shown in any real air travels. That's some Fight Club shit right there.

I've got to be honest, I haven't paid much attention on what's happening. They are attempting to destroy Katana's shield or something. There's little interest in any of he characters and their thrives on doing something or other. I like the bleak dystopian athmosphere, though, so it's not all a waste.

Mulcahy does get some extra mileage out of the fact that only beheading can kill these characters. So they're able to go through gruesome ordeals ans bounce right back.

Final thoughts: This was clearly a lot more carefully constructed film than the two previous ones. In fact, I think it's bad reputation is caused mostly by it shitting down its predecessor in a way very few sequels do. It's a shame, really, because all that stupid alien crap wouldn't be that hard to write around. Except of course, then you'd have to explain how all of a sudden McLeod isn't the only "One" out there. Plenty of Highlander sequels have since done just that.

Other than that, it has plenty of good old fashioned high concept action and a nice dystopian angle on it all. It's just sad thare aren't any stakes going on the viewer would care about.

★★

Ghosts of Mars (USA, 2001)
Director: John Carpenter

Carpenter's idea of a future dystopia is a matriarchy? Or why is it so much emphasized?

This has a flashback structure too, we are solving what happened to a freight train on Mars that returned empty.

This is probably the only movie out there that has both Pam Grier and Jason Statham.

The blue-collar drones on a strange planet gives a definite Alien vibe. Carpenter has already stooped low since he has to copy oter people's ideas instead of making his own.

Mars doesn't look otherwordly and there really isn't a sense of presence. All the sets look like sound stages. Must be the lighting...

Also Carpenters use of special effects hasn't improved much since Escape from New York.

And also he can't use music like he used to. The cheap soundtrack that sounds it's from public domain is far fetched from JC's own athmosphere heavy synthesizer tracks from his classics.

They've wondered whether Ice Cube has gone around killing them, but they now found out there are a lot of Martian cultists that look like Marilyn Manson fans out there who like to behead their enemies.

Oh, okay, they are actually possessed people. Possessed by the Slipknot virus.

This wasn't really like Alien at all. In fact this is actually a pretty nifty twist on a basic trope, with the berserker virus carriers and all. Too bad so much on how it is presented has failed so badly.

With deputizing ordinary citizens, the movie's turning into a western, fast. Figures, this is the guy who did Assault on Precinct 13. Still, I kind of wish Carpenter would have managed to do a better space-western than Avatar. Also, couldn't Carpenter try to do a real western? With Kurt Russell?

They just went out guns blazing. It doesn't look that exciting, more like a company's weekend retreat at a paintball range. Odd that Carpenter didn't even direct the actors on how to hold the guns.

In the end it actually seems that this was a remake of Assault on Precinct 13. Wow. Loses to Carpenter's previous effort with considerable numbers.

Final thoughts: I may be a sentimental fool, but I've seen the potential in all of the films I've watched today. None of the other movies' failures pains me as much as this one's. It just appears that Carpenter hasn't been trying, from every which angle you try to look at it. It is a shame, I don't know what burned him out but it took a long while to get him to direct again and even then the result was the ho-hum The Ward.

★★

Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (USA/Canada 2004)
Director: Raja Gosnell

They wiped he soundtrack from Beetlejuice, I hear.

Written by James Gunn. WHY?!?

This begins as the Mystery Machine twerps being super-popular, walking on a red carpet. Speaking of carpet, the fact that Velma has enthusiastic fan girls (shown right after Daphne's over-enthusiastic fan boys) does little to repel the lesbian undertones associated with the character. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Matthew Lillard is creepily similar to the cartoon Shaggy, right down to the voice.

Velma has spotted and immediately fallen for Seth Green. He'd be a beard if he could grow one.

Wow, after Dungeons & Dragons I didn't think there would be as terrible CGI effects on a big-budget movie. I was mistaken.

So a pterodactyl monster spooked everyone in a museum, and everyone blames the Mystery Inc. for that. We've got ourselves a mystery. Enh.

What would be a modern children's movie without "Baby Got Back" on the soundtrack? I shudder to think.

Another Dungeons & Dragons flashback: The black knight ghost is banging his sword at Daphne's crotch.

Scooby fakes he has rabies in oder to get out for "fresh air". Dog, if you really got rabies, you would be put down.

Peter Boyle! Why oh why does every bad movie includes someone genuinely awesome?

You know, I like Joe Dante -like cartoon buffoonery. The scene where Shaggy and Scooby try out various colorful science formulas is reminiscent of Gremlins 2 or Looney Tunes: Back In Action. Perhaps James Gunn's influence does shine through.

Then again, Scooby Doo rapping was not something I ever needed to hear.

I've always wondered, what age are these characters supposed to be? They say they haven't visited their high school clubhouse "in years".

The diver's ghost is a great visual. One of the most memorable creatures from the original cartoon.

Far be it from me to speak against fart jokes, but the ones in this are just shameful.

I laughed unironically at the cotton candy glob.

And of course the unmasking scene is always fun. How long did the villain have to wait in two rubber masks for the police to see who was under all that?

The pop music in this movie is kind of godawful.

Final thoughts: Y'know. For kids. It's a children's film, even though fussy, noisy and running all over the place. But it all doesn't have to appeal to adults anyway. There are a few genuinely funny cartoonish moments, which is more than I expected from this. But James Gunn's script would need a better director, that would keep the tone consistent (and perhaps the monsters a little more creepy). Raja Gosnell isn't perhaps the best choice for this, but certainly not the worst, either.

★★ 1/2

P.S. There's an additional scene after the credits with a secret code to a Gameboy game. Huh. Multimedia advertising.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (USA/Germany, 2002)
Director: Wych Kaosayananda

This was still surfing on the tidal waves of The Matrix when long leather trenchcoats were considered cool.

I'm not keeping up with the plot. Antonio Banderas is a secret agent, whose wife has been misplaced. And he has amnesia? Something like that.

So far there hasn't been a single new idea in the film. I think this is so badly rated because it's so generic to the point of tears. It's hard to believe anyone remembering anything about the movie after a week.

Surprising technical troubles: The voice sync stopped working at about 20 minutes in. I'd say we call it a day. I'll try to finish watching this another time.

Summer Preview

It will be quite the summer of big blockbusters yet again. I love brainless entertainment, but alas, way too many big-budgeted brainmelters tend to, well, suck. Here's my own, unaligned, view on whether this summer's films will be any good or whether they will make any money. They are arranged by the US opening date, so you should check just when are they actually released in your own home country.

May 6th

Thor
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Studio: Marvel, Paramount (distribution)

Verily, prepare for battle! Thor is probably my favorite Marvel character that hasn't been featured in a film yet. Although the character and his universe are brilliant, I can understand why it might be a hard sell for the reality- and technology-based superhero film industry.

Thor is the God of Thunder who fights wrongs with his enchanted Uru hammer Mjolnir at both his magical home world Asgard as well as in our home world Midgard. Thor also speaks in strange Shakespearean dialect, which probably sold the concept to world's biggest W.S. fanboy Kenneth Branagh. But alas, ye ol' trash talk has been considerably toned down for the movie. Initially I was also disappointed on the design of the film, as it looks nothing like the viking architecture. But I've since come to terms that it is more representative of Jack Kirby's art, so let's hope the story is also representative of the craziness of his battle scenes as well as the dialogue would be representative of Stan Lee's soap opera storytelling. The trailer looks pretty good, with kickass action and a suitable amount of humour for a film this crazy. The awesomeness extends to the casting as well, as we have Anthony Hopkins playing Odin (essentially the Jewish idea of God - vengeful, petty and easily enraged) and most deliciously Idris Elba playing the Norse warrior Heimdall.  The film will be worth seeing at least because that part of the casting will bug the hell out of some batshit insane neo nazis. Have at thee! Can we have Matt Damon, Danny Trejo and Steven Seagal as the Warriors Three in the sequel?

Predicted Stars: ****
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win!

May 20th

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Director: Rob Marshall
Studio: Disney

I didn't hate the PotC sequels as much as the rest of the world, yet I still don't carry much enthusiasm for another installment. At least this time around they aren't out to make the world's most expensive epic, which is a good start. The continuing misadventures of Jack Sparrow should allow for all sorts of adventures, and it's good that the franchise has gotten a fresh director to bring out a new vision. It's just a pity that that director of Rob Marshall, maker of... not really anything worth mentioning. Some crappy musicals and a racist melodrama, basically. Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio keep on scriptin'. I would and will only watch this for Ian McShane's performance as Blackbeard.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail: Kids may still like the series, but I'll still go for Mildly Disappointing, here. 

May 27th

The Hangover: Part II
Director: Todd Phillips
Studio: Warner Bros.

Comedy sequels are usually not as funny as the first ones. As the first Hangover was based on various extremities, this can (and probably will) top it in that category and find some even more extreme antics for a boys night out. The setting in Bangkok strongly promises this. Let's hope it is still funny. The first one also had the advantage of being a sleeper hit, as this one is being advertized as a big hit from scratch. So it has that against it. Also, Zach Galifianakis has proved that he can be really, really irritating as well as funny and cuddly, so it's a fine line we're balancing here. Oh, and the celebrity cameos? They've really been done to death as a comedy form all ready. It doesn't work for New Simpsons episodes, I doubt it will work here.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail? Win.

Kung Fu Panda 2
Director: Jennifer Yuh
Studio: DreamWorks Animation

I liked the first one, but milking the franchise for too long is what ruined Shrek and it's initial film was better. Oh, DreamWorks. Will you ever learn?

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win. Folks like CGI critters.

June 3rd

X-Men: First Class
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Studio: 20th Century Fox



The X-Men movies have had a patchy history with movie executives, and the biggest fear concerning the latest installment is the fact that it was produced super-fast in a single year. Well, that and the series' weird continuity.  Nevertheless, Matthew Vaughn seems like a good bet to helm a superhero film, even though and because his last film was Kick-Ass, which took a hearty laugh at them. This also has a groovy premise, as it's the first Marvel film which takes place at the same time the original comic was published - in the swinging '60s.

The Hellfire Club is also a fascinating team of villains to have and they seem to be perfectly cast. Also Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy should have the right amount of charisma to pull off portraying the young Professor X and Magneto. But another problem is the series' odd fixation to throw as many mutants as possible to any given film. Now, it may give the film an epic quality, but the viewer can't really emotionally invest in too many heroes. And Havok, Banshee et al always seemed to be real C-list teammembers to me. I wonder why only Beast and Mystique are around from this "First Class" in the original X-trilogy. Could this film end with a surprising massacre?

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail: Win at least in the toy merchandize business markets.

June 10th

Super 8
Director: J.J. Abrams
Studio: Paramount, Amblin



Abrams is a master in keeping the details of his blockbusters under wraps. It's true with this one as well. What is know is that the film is supposedly a throwback to the kid-friendly Amblin Entertainment films (produced and/or directed by Steven Spielberg). That's not a bad thing per se. But the title and the trailer reveal that this is another one in the line of mystery konster movies that don't interest me any more after Lost and Cloverfield. Abrams is a good director, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of a doubt, but I'm still not holding too high hopes on this.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail: I think this might be a surprise Fail. Other, bigger films, with which people know exactly what they're getting, might steal Super 8's thunder. Recent years have seen plenty of kid's adventure films fail anyway.

June 17th

Green Lantern
Director: Martin Campbell
Studio: Warner Bros.



DC has finally started to catch up on Marvel in bringing its characters on the big screen. After Batman and Superman, it is a good call to make a film about a character that has a small universe onto itself. Green Lantern (Ryan Reynolds) is a superhero that's part of an intergalactic Corps that fight evil with rings that can project anything. The problem with DC (compared to Marvel at least) is that most of its flagpole characters don't really have any personalities beyond their superpowers. Nothing could be more boring than their civilian identities. The same rings true with Green Lantern, who's just another big boyscout character. Thus, it seems they have had to steal the characteristics of Tony Stark to make GL a little more appealing for the movie. I'm not really sold on this one. But I like Ryan Reynolds as much as is allowed for a straight man, Martin Campbell can be a heck of a action director, and the idea of Space Interpol seems cool enough. It will be fun to see weird aliens dressed in Halloween costumes, at least. Let's hope for the best.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail?: The crazy alien worlds and merciless Iron Man copying might affect the film, and its marketing hasn't been up to task on the Marvel films, so I'm going to say it's going to go with Lukewarm.

June 24th

Cars 2
Directors: John Lasseter, Brad Lewis
Studio: Disney, Pixar

The least possible excitement I could probably get from an upcoming Pixar movie would be if they made a sequel to their single most (and only) unoriginal, obnoxious and boring film. Which is exactly what they did. I hate Cars and as much as I try to think about it, I can't really see how the sequel could one-up the predecessor Toy Story style. The franchise is ultimately flawed: the world is creepy, and supports excessive consumption and the characters as annoying and racist as the worst comic sidekicks George Lucas and Michael Bay ever imagined. I won't see myself watching this ever. The whole film also reeks of having been made while thinking about all the merchandizing money. I blame Disney executives, not Pixar. At least they'll deliver something genuinely interesting next year.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail: Are you kidding me? It's probably the most profitable film of the year.

July 1st


Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Director: Michael Bay
Studio: Di Bonanventura Pictures, Paramount



Bwa ha ha ha! The robots will have mullets this time!

Predicted stars: *
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win. People will go on paying for Michael Bay movies, no matter what he does that should keep them away.

July 15th

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Director: David Yates
Studio: Village Roadshow Pictures, Warner Bros.



I haven't really followed the films from Part 4 on. I feel the film versions only diminish the joy I got from reading them (once, I might add). So this is the last one in the slavishly faithful series so it probably should be the finale that the series deserves. The trailer looks fine and I heard Part I was decent too. Good for the people that have the patience for these movies. It's probably one of the biggest hits of the summer.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail: WIN

July 22nd

The First Avenger: Captain America
Director: Joe Johnston
Studio: Marvel, Paramount (distributor)

One has to wonder why this wasn't put out on the 4th of July? Did they think Transformers was too much of a threat. As I'm not American, Cap certainly isn't among my favorite Marvel heroes. He's too goody two-shoes when he should have the same flaws as America has - rudeness, nosiness, seriously right-wing by his philosophy, being overweight and fighting before thinking. Nevertheless, I became intrigued of this when it was revealed that his adventure takes place during WWII, when the character was first concieved. But then again, the film isn't allowed to use Nazis as villains as a visible Swastika would terminate the toy merchandize. The choice to put the blandest of bland directors Joe Johnston to direct this also doesn't fare well. At least the film has Tommy Lee Jones and Hugo Weaving.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win in the US, Fail Internationally.

July 29th

Cowboys & Aliens
Director: Jon Favreau
Studio: Universal, DreamWorks



Besides Thor, my money for the most entertaining film of the summer is are on this film.  I love westerns and having Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford do one seems like a dream come true. To have some aliens thrown to the mix seems like the frosting on the cake. It really is just another one of those ridiculously awsome internet-spurned pairings, but hell if that doesn't seem like a good match. Harrison Ford hasn't been in a kick-ass movie since Air Force One, so he needs this (I'd say he did kick ass in the latest Indy, but the movie as a whole wasn't too hot). Daniel Craig isn't sure whether he'll play James Bond ever again so he needs this. Director Jon Favreau has fallen from the favour of Marvel so he needs this. If everyone involved will want this to be good, then it should bloody well be good, then.

Predicted Stars: ****
Box Office Win/Fail: This has a danger of not being based on any previous property, so it might be a hard sell. I do hope this has a quality that will sell the film, but I fear people will rather flock to see Transformers 3.

The Smurfs
Director: Raja Gosnell
Studio: Sony Pictures

Yawn. Another Alvin and the Chipmunks -style CGI- and live action mixture. Y'know. For kids. Everyone in Hollywood (and probably in America) seems to have forgotten the Smurfs lived in medieval times in the original comics, not modern. At least Hank Azaria seems oddly adapt for playing Gargamel. Expect a lot of jokes about farting (called "smurfing" this time) and blue pieces of shit.

Predicted Stars: *
Box Office Win/Fail: Win, as much as it pains me. I really don't trust audiences to go for quality, do I?

August 5th

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Director: Rupert Wyatt
Studio: 20th Century Fox



Having the world come to an end and go on gritty and all rebooted led to good box office scores on The Terminator franchise. So naturally the Hollywood suits figured that they'd do the same to the Planet of the Apes. It's a reboot and gritty origin story. I would've rather had the musical version. I also myself believe that the Apes should've been left in the 60's and 70's. I really can't be bothered with this one. I have a feeling a lot of moviegoers think the same way about this.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail: I really don't think this has too much going for it. Fail.

August 19th

Conan the Barbarian
Director: Marcus Nispel
Studio: Lionsgate, Nu Image, Millennium Films, Paradox Entertainment



"Conan the Barbarian 2011" is actually the #1 searchword with which people come across this blog. So I promise here and now to do a review of the film when it opens. That being said, I still haven't gotten my hopes up. It's not a bad choice to close the summer period, at least if you're like me and enjoy brutal barbarians steal precious diamonds, attract skimpy-dressed ladies and fight monsters.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail?: As it has no big stars, no big sale, and it has alienated the fanbase with its wussy PG-13 rating, I'm going to think the box office will only be good if the film is very good. And I have my doubts.

The Best of 2010 - Part I: The Films

Another year over, and what have you done? Well, watched a load of films, which means that I'm contractually obliged to give out a top 10 list of the best films the 2010s have seen so far. So here it is, a look back on the best films of the year. This list is based on the films which peremiered in Finland during 2010. Thus you may find a number of 2009 films also included.

It was a very good year for film. I had real difficulties on what to include on the list and what to leave out - plenty of good films were left out (even from the bubbling under-section), and I still had to divide this post into two. I have to do various other Year-best lists, yet as I get the instructions later, I'll put it out early next year. I'll also put in a list of the best DVD releases as a compensation, then. But now, let's just have the top 10 Theatrical Releases:

Bubbling Under: Armadillo, A Good Heart, Inception, Rare Exports, The Town.

10. Enter The Void
Director: Gaspar Noé



There are a number of faults in Gaspar Noé's latest film. It is way overlong and promotes a little too much the Buddhist philosophy on which its story is based on. But damn it, if it isn't one of the most captivating movie theatre experiences I've had probably ever. A real trip, and I wouldn't reccommend anyone to watch it anywhere else than a movie theatre. If you can turn your gaze away from the screen, you will. It's part of the Trip to accept these hard-to-watch moments as well. If 2001: A Space Odyssey had only a trippy end, Enter the Void is something like that from beginning to end.

The story is about the drug-shooting Oscar (Nathaniel Brown), who drifts along the streets of Tokyo, making drug deals and reading Buddhist philosophy. When a friend sells him out, the main character gets killed during the first half hour. The rest of the film he begins a Buddhist Spiritual Journey, looking back on his life and the world without him. Oscar's mournful and long Journey is cast heavily in japanese neon-lights with dirt and grit. Not to mention the unique directing style which is unmistakably Noé, and wouldn't benefit from me trying to explain it any more. He's treated the camera as a character before as well, and now uses this idea in the story as well. The film is nerve-wrecking, and seizure-causing and repetitive. yet it is also hauntingly beautiful and probably the ugliest movie about the beauty of life I've ever seen.



9. Jackass 3D
Director: Jeff Tremaine



Every time a new Jackass film is announced, I feel like the joke has gotten too old, as have the stunt performers. Yet when I see the final film, I can't help but laugh. I feel like Jackass 3D might be the best of the trilogy. I at least got the best laughs this year watching this. A film which makes Bam Margera cry can't be a bad one.

It is also probably the only film this year, where the 3D feels appropriate. It shows that many scenes are shot with expensive, high-def cameras. Besides that we get cool slo-mo impact shots when people get a fist to their face, we get to realize just how far away a jet turbine throws a football. We have then a good idea of the force which sends the football to the groin soon afterwards. I think the jet turbine prank with the clumsy waiter might be the best skit. Or, of course, the money shot that is the poop shoot in 3D. Or can music tame the wild beast one. Or, or, there are many good ones to choose from.



8. A Prophet (Un Prophete)
Director: Jacques Audriard



A Prophet is one of the most brutal prison movies ever made. Not so in violence, but because in its world prisons rather create and inspire criminals than cure them. A shy boy is sent to prison for reasons never explained. There he must run tasks for a mob boss in order to survive. This game he is forced to play soon starts to rot him to the core. It is a sort of Godfather story build inside four walls. It's not the first time Audriard takes ideas from an American crime classic and turns it into something undeniably French.

The violence itself is disturbingly realistic. The murderer is left shaken, stirred and changed forever. It might give him the vivid nightmares which come to earn him the nickname Prophet. Respect in criminal world still does only come from carnage. The base of criminal operations is not even limited to the prison. As the prisoners goes outside for vacation now and then and spread the Prison gospel of crime and murder there as well. As the main character's emotions are usually not that clear, one can easily reflect their own emotions there. It's not so much a character as an Avatar or a vessel for us to project ourselves in the same situation. Prison has been depicted as the ultimate place where the rules of survival of the fittest goes for us humans. A prophet shows us there is a way to make it, even if you are not physically strong, if at least you are quick-witted and ready to do bad things. But the cost is of course your whole former identity. Once you are ready to play along the Animal rules, you have to become one as well.



7. Four Lions
Director: Chris Morris



Four Lions shouldn't work. It is a comedy about a group of bumbling terrorists planning a major suicide bombing. Yet the film never feels like it tackles this difficult subject just to be edgy, nor treats its characters as one-dimensional Jihad-monsters. Maybe wisely director-screenwriter Chris Morris downplays the religious aspect of the terrorists to avoid discussion on irrelevant subjects. It's not by any menas a film about a war between religions. It is a film about humanity in general, and a search for a cause.

The terrorists are as multi-dimensional characters as any one of us. They could come from any background, and as a matter of fact they do too in the film. They make a lot of mistakes, and are also seriously misguided, trying to channel their various emotional traumas and hardships into something destructive. On the journey some of them find the joy of living again, but some get even more thirsty for blood because of the previous failures. As the subject isn't an easy one, there isn't also an easy way out for our characters. It is a comedy-faced tragedy, which feels especially bad as you've both laughed at and with these characters during the course of the film. Chris Morris is an infinetily skillful as both writer and director and I for one can't wait what he'll come up with next. Probably something completely different.



6. Kick-Ass
Director: Matthew Vaughan



OK, mostly this is just here because it is a kick-ass movie. Matthew Vaughan is a good genre director, and directing action he knows to use just the right amount of awesome, ridiculous, and ridiculously awesome. Most action films are so pussy these days that the action feels like something you're forced to sit through to get to the meaty part (like in, say, Iron Man 2 or A-Team). Not so in here. Guns, clubs, canes and swords are swung and they cause actual wounds and bruises and burns, oh my. It's a really violent film in case you didn't know. But damned entertaining at that. The perfect casting of both silly archetypes, and over-the-top specialities helps immensively as well.

Kick-Ass is a story about a regular nerd deciding to become a vigilante superhero, which means to beat people up for justice. He soon finds out he's taken a larger bite than he can chew. Kick-Ass is also a really postmodern super-hero film. The characters have also seen Spider-Man and act accordingly. The parody goes as far as the viral internet campaigns of superhero films. As a fan of the genre it is fun to see its pretty formulaic plot patterns, costumes and even dialogue mocked. As a parody, it is one that moves to be ever more outrageous. It starts pretty realistic but soon develops into an actual nerd-boy power fantasy, yet made to be so over-the-top that one can't help but to smile. The only part which doesn't quite fit the part is the romantic and sexual awakening, which I feel was in the end too close to the formula. Maybe Vaughan will pick up the pieces in the sequel. Good job for comic creator Mark Millar's world. Now, if we could only get a film as faithful to the ideas of Garth Ennis...



5. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Director: Werner Herzog



There was much fighting going on before the release of Werner Herzog's latest, about who has the rights to a classic film. Abel Ferrara famously disowned this film because he felt it tainted the legacy of his own 1992 film, Bad Lieutenant. Luckily, Herzog is smart enough to take an entirely different path on a familiar story. It is not a religious redemption story of a black sheep gone astray, but rather a black comedy about someone who should screw everything up, but in the end comes out of every mess victorious. The end result stands on its own and is different enough that one can easily embrace both films.

In Nicolas Cage Herzog has found the closest Hollywood representative of the manic acting style of his departed muse Klaus Kinski. Cage plays the loony Lieutenant Terence McDonagh who is seen as something of a hero, despite he doing things pretty impulsively due to him being high on painkillers and various other drugs pretty much all the time. The scene where he threatens an old lady is a classic in its own right. Herzog's pitch-black sense of humour hasn't gotten such a good channel for a while now, and it's nice to see the maestro kick back with absurd imagery. True, it also has a few hard-handed metaphors, but then Herzog has never been one to rely solely on deep metaphors. Instead, we get a layered piece that still has an air of mystery around it - like is Val Kilmer's character actually real? He only seems to appear to torment McDonagh to do the wrong thing, yet those moments the only time he decides to do the right thing and gets rewarded. Bad Lieutenant can only exist if there is an even badder one to defy. Much like the film itself.



4. The Social Network
Director: David Fincher



I had nearly no expectations about this one. I felt like Fincher had sold himself off by making the dreadful Benjamin Button film, and that the idea of making a film about the finding of Facebook was probably the dullest idea for a film that I had ever heard. Shows what I know. The end result is a class act all the way, from Aaron Sorkin's great machine-gun dialogue script to the performances of great young cast who fit to their roles prefectly. The film is not so much about developing technology as it is about the modern times, where we use websites to maintain our relationships. As much as Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg is (portrayed as) a withdrawn, lonely and socially inept figure, he has turned us all into his own image.

This could've so easily been a film where a nerd gets a taste of the sweet rich life, but in the end learns a valuable lesson in friendship and such. Instead, the characters are like Seinfeld characters: however extraordinary their adventures are, none of them learn anything from any of that. They start out with claiming to wnat money and fame. Some get it, some don't. All want more. Even if they wreck their own relationships, they are essentailly the same characters from beginning to end. The film tries to tell that if we freeze our social experience online, there shall not be any room more to develop it. It is clearly the best film about turning yourself inwards I've seen in a long while.



3. Toy Story 3
Director: Lee Unkrich



Another film, about which I was a tad nervous beforehand. Pixar shall one day make another lacklustre film like Cars (Cars 2 next year?), but I sure as hell am glad this is not it. I've heard a wise reading of the Toy Story films (probably in Empire) in that they are all essentially about working life. The first one is about a new co-worker who you fear will replace you. The second one is about getting a promotion you don't want. And this third one is about retirement, whether you have served your purpose during your life and watching children grow up. Andy's toys, featuring Woody, Buzz and Rex, decide they won't go quietly to spend an eternity in the attic, but rather to investigate the retirement possibilities at a local Daycare Centre.

True, it repeats some themes from TS2, but this happens mostly at the beginning of the film. Even if the cast is packed to the rafters with caharacters old and new alike, the balance between all of the ingredients is handeled masterfully. The film is also incredibly swift in changing its tone, but it never feels forced that it does so. So, we get a good hour and a half of excitement, character-based drama, plotting, thrills, laughs, shock and horror and finally the best goodbye a film franchise could ever have. I didn't cry like I did watching Up and Wall-E, but I sure got misty-eyed and walked out of the theatre happy-sad. Well played, Pixar, well played.



2. The White Ribbon (Das Weisse Band)
Director: Michael Haneke



Were things really so good in the olden days? Seems like people's lives were much narrower and pre-set, not to mention living constantly in fear of parents, priests, officials, the law and of course, God. The Evil That Men Do lives on and on, as Iron Maiden so wisely put. Haneke seems to suggest that the Evil within also increases generation by generation. By setting his story before the First World War, he is essentially telling a story about the childhood of the Nazi Generation. No wonder the children here are so cruel.

The film is called to be one of the easiest Haneke film to access. I'd say in fact, that at least this time the director restrains from giving straight answers and spelling things for the viewer along the way. The black-and-white colour as long as the setpieces are as traditional as can be, yet the viewer's attention never goes astray. Haneke also handles his ensemble cast very well; there may seem to be multiple stories going on in the village at the same time yet it is all part of the bigger picture. As is usual for the director, there is no easy ending with a catharctic climax. This just leaves a more hauntic taste in the viewer's mouth. Multi-layered, thought-provoking, brilliant. It's The White Ribbon.



1. Somewhere
Director: Sofia Coppola



I've just realized that this list begins and ends on highly dividing arthouse films. Well, I'd say Somewhere deserves all the acclaim the film got at the Venice Film Festival, and then some. Sofia Coppola brings us another story about a loss of identity, getting lost in the modern society and a redemption which is highly reminiscent of her earlier masterpiece, Lost in Translation. But Coppola is a good enough artist to take two similar premises and deliver something intriguing both times. The slowly unravelling story is aabout the middle-aged actor Johnny Marco (Stephen Dorff) who feels bored and lost in the middle of all his playboy antics. Everyone knows fame and wealth surely doesn't bring happiness, but it's hardly ever been pictured as clear and matter-of-factly as it is here. The slow storytelling and repetitive scenes are in favour of thescript here. I love how the usual macho Hollywood thrills such as fast cars and beautiful women are portrayed as mundane, even sleep-causingly boring in the near silent opening sequences. That is some of the most unerotic stripping I've ever seen on screen. A life where you can get anything just for yourself doesn't have big thrills, however you look at it. Marco's attempts to handle his life on a here-and-now basis don't really lead to anything (or at best, just some meaningless sex), like when he tries to follow a lady in a convertible.

However, when his twelve-year-old daughter (Elle Fanning) comes to visit, he starts to get a new grip on life. The moment when Dorff watches her ice-skate is the first time he shows any emotion in the film. And it comes just after another boring striptease scene, which emphasizes that the feminity in his pre-teen daughter is already stronger than in two money-hungry strippers who don't have any identity whatsoever, save for their names, which tend to get mixed up.

Coppola might have highly obvious symbolism in her film, but it is handeled with such confidence that it can't help but to bring a smile to one's face again and again. For example, in one scene Marco gets cast into plaster to create a make up for his upcoming film. Both the viewers and the actor wait ages for the plaster to be removed and out emerges an old man. Life can get by pretty fast if all one is concerned is yourself. Happily, Somewhere is an optimistic film and Marco does seem to have a chance to make his life worthwhile yet.

Much is being read into the relationship Coppola had with her own father, the acclaimed director Francis Ford Coppola. I myself am not that interested in such trivial matters. Somewhere is a film about finding one self's worth and will to live. It isn't in material and shallow things we usually lust for, but rather finding little adventures with your loved ones, and maybe create them for ourselves as well. That's why I think this is the best film of the year.



The Best New Release of An Old Film

I realize this category might not have too many contestants each year. But I figured it shouldn't be on any of the other lists and I want to mention it. Hayao Miyazaki's Princess Mononoke got its theatrical premiere in Finland in 2010.




Like Miyazaki tends to do, he tells another story about the relationship between men and nature. The story is pretty epic and rough and thus aimed more clearly to older children and adults. Yet it might also be the biggest canvas of Miyazaki's creativity alongside Spirited Away. Visually, the film is nothing short of breathtaking. Miyazaki is at least on par with Satoshi Kon's Paprika in creating uniquely vivid animation. The forest gods, pixies, the fortress of ladies. The whole shebang leads to the pretty good question on why we humans tend to waste our vast resources on futile things like war and not to learn live more peacefully with nature and among ourselves.

Top 11 Festivals & Not yet in Programme

I'm gonna let these pass without a bigger comment, because most of these are already introduced in posts such as the HIFF-introduction. I'll return to them if there is any need to.

10. Winter's Bone
9. Mother
8. Animal Kingdom
7. Exit Through The Gift Shop
6. Symbol
5. Dogtooth
4. The Illusionist
3. Love Exposure
2. Sons of Cuba
1. Black Swan

High-rated films I didn't get to see in time:

Fantastic Mr. Fox, Heartbeats, How to Train Your Dragon, In A Better World, The Other Guys, Shutter Island, Submarino, Up in the Air

The Worst Film:



I actually didn't see anything really bad this year. However, I can tell what the most overrated film is: I Am Love. Even though I do love Somewhere, there is a fine line on how much drama I can take from the lives of the rich and the priveledged on film. If the characters are not right, the whole thing feels tedious, forced and all around uninteresting. All the characters in I Am Love might as well be replaced with planks. Tilda Swinton plays a rich housewife who begins an affair and blah blah blah yawn. This overlong episode of a daytime soap opera is never as steamy or clever as it think it is. Milan is an overrated city, yet the landscapes pictured in the film are the only thing of the remotest interest I could get from this. I really just couldn't get critics who put this drivel into their best-of-the-year lists. Maybe I should be an upper-class housewife to learn to understand this. The film wipes us in the face with its metaphor of making food = making love. Christ, everything else in our life is already sexualized. At least let us eat, drink and shit without having to constantly think about sex!

So here it is. I wish you A Happy New Year, and stay tuned for more hijinks here at the Last Movieblog!

Fun in -10

It's the darkest, most stressful time of the year. But many of the most fun films ever made take place at Christmas. Movies like Die Hard, Gremlins, Lethal Weapon and Silent Night, Deadly Night. So I figured it would be suitable to take a look at some of the films meant to be fun released this year. Now, I will do a best of the year list nearer to the end of this year (after all, there's still about 5 % of the year left). This post will feature some action movies that we watch just for fun. They aren't probably good enough to get to my end-of-the-year list, but I can still rate them by their funness, right?

The A-Team
Director: Joe Carnahan

The A-Team (c) 2010 20th Century Fox

First stop is the film version of the TV series about a crack commando unit I used to watch every sunday morning on reruns. Despite this, I never had any idea what was the crime our heroes didn't commit, but were accused of, which made them survive as soldiers of fortune. Not surprisingly, this remake is all about that subject, as it tells the orgin of (cue machine gun shots) ...The A-Team. And I still couldn't care less about the plot. The film's strengths are the same as the series': Charismatic lead actors and stupidly complicated plans to accomplish everything. And of course, as is suitable for a summer blockbuster, a bunch of stuff blowing up.

I suppose the morale of the story is that military should be privatized and bureaucratic ladders cut down. But one can also see why Mr T refused to have anything to do with the film. In the series, the character he used to play, B.A. Baracus, is a sworn pacifist. I don't think the A-Team ever actually killed anyone, even though they are soldiers of fortune. In the movie, much of the running time this same status quo is kept. But before the finale, Liam Neeson gives Baracus (played by Quinton "Rampage" Jackson") an idealistic speech about how one must be prepared to fight for what's right, and quotes Gandhi as saying this. As the film takes place after USA has withdrawn its troops from Iraq, the message coudn't probably be clearer.

Fun: ★★★★
Film: ★★★

Iron Man 2
Director: Jon Favreau



I might be more forgiving to this film if they would've kept this awesome opening scene instead of the Spider-Man and Se7en copying vengeance montage there is in its place.

I had high hopes for Iron Man 2, as I think its predecessor was one of the funnest action films of the Naughties and could balance between light-hearted humour and massive explosions pretty niftly. It was all carried by it's boyish charm. the sequel promised more of everything, but bigger, as they usually do. And while everything seems to be OK on the surface - dialogue's still good, action is kick-ass, soundrack has AC/DC and The Clash on it - there is something amiss in the film.

It might be because the sequel tries to juggle so many stuff at once. There's Tony Stark's vunerability to his battle suit, which brings him ever closer to death and alcoholism. There's his quarrels with the US Military over the ownership of his technology and with a rival arms manufacturer Sam Rockwell (who is excellent as a puny douchebag). There's a vengeful character from his father's past (Mickey Rourke), who seems to have a one-up in creating battlesuit technology. There's his relationship with his assistant Gwyneth Palthrow, and him making her a new CEO of his company so he can deal with all the shit mentioned above. And finally, there is some pointless bullshit about the secret SHIELD organization testing Stark for the Avengers initiative to connect the film to the upcoming Avengers blockbuster. Iron Man is one of the rare superhero films where I'd rather watch the man behind the mask than the actual superhero himself. There is actually pretty little Iron Man action in the film. And two times out of three it's all very good. But the end fight feels a little anticlimatic, just like last time. It's a little worrying, since director Jon Favreau is no Pixar genius. Does he actually have any more tricks up his sleeve for the third part?

Fun: ★★★
Film: ★★★

Machete
Directors: Robert Rodriguez, Ethan Maniquis



Ah, I've waited long to see Machete. And had such bad luck doing so. When the Night Visions-prize winning mexploitation finally rolled on the screen, my expectations were as high as Cheech Marin on his glory days. And I was let down, even though the film isn't exactly bad.

Like Iron Man 2, Machete has had to cram way too much stuff into it. Everything that was in the Grindhouse fake trailer has to be there, as well as meaty enough roles for every one of the impressive ensemble cast. Even though this is the first film where Danny Trejo's starring, he still feels like a bit-part player. But he does deliver. I was surprised to notice that Machete the character actually isn't depicted as the sharpest tool in the shed. But then again, he gets double-crossed so often, and seems to always aim to look good killing, rather than efficient, that he is bound to be. Also entertaining after way too long are Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez and Steven Seagal, who finally got a role insane enough for him. Yet the anti-US border politics threads are way too hardhandedly delivered for a ridiculous exploitation flick and some of the battle scenes, particularly the one in the end, are too sloppily directed. There are some fun scenes not featured on the trailer (like the one featuring a turkey thermometer), but not nearly enough. I would've been happier with just the trailer, yet it's clear other people enjoy this more, so it's good that it got made after all.

Fun: ★★★★ for newcomers, ★★ for people who have seen Grindhouse
Film: ★★★

Predators
Director: Nimród Antal

Predators (c) 2010 Troublemaker Studios

So Robert Rodriguez didn't even direct Machete alone. Is he too busy or what? Unlike the old times where he released one action film and one kids' film per year, he brought us two action films this year. And the first one he didn't even direct, just produced and helped to write.

I am a Predator apologist. I think the first film in the series is one of the best action films ever made and I enjoy the hell out of the batshit insane Predator 2. The experience of watching AvP films was softened a little because they had Predators in them. But somehow, I didn't expect that much from this film. And unlike Machete, it managed to take me by surprise. It was quite good!

In a nod to the first film, the action takes place in an actual jungle once again. This time, the soldiers have been specifically brought there to be hunted down. By evil pussy-faced aliens. There is a nice international variety to the fighters this time around, and they react in a different way on all the slaughter going on around them. The Predators themselves are kept mostly at shadows. We don't learn much new about them we didn't already know and maybe this is for the best. Some characters are better when left a little mysterious.

Predators isn't still anywhere near the goodness of the first film. The characters are too heavily archetypical to become anywhere near more interesting than the dogmeat they are. In the first Predator, this was accomplished with very little dialogue and just short scenes. I would've also hoped some more (or at least some) humour in the film too. It's nice that the Predators are taken seriously, but the first one had the best macho bullshit ever written and this one only raises a smile when the action gets insane enough. Make wittier dialogue! Machete had some good quotes, at least.

Fun: ★★★★
Film: ★★★ 1/2

Piranha 3D
Director: Alexandre Aja

Piranha 3D (c) 2010 Dimension Films

And last, we come to probably the funnest of them all. For once, this is true exploitation instead of something trying hard to be. This is seen also on the decision to convert the film in post-production to 3D, which is a cheap gimmick which allows the producers to raise ticket prices. But I digress.

Piranha 3D is an unashamedly chauvinistic film. The first half shows big-breasted ditz's and moronic douches party out at a lake and the latter half shows them being ripped to sheds by prehistoric fishes as well as various accidents caused by mass panic. Unlike with action films, with horror I like the fact that the more ridiculous the premise is, the straighter it must be played. And Piranha manages to balance just right on the line between goofy and obnoxiously self-aware. Aja as a talented horror-director even manages to create one scene with actual suspense, even though to call the characters two-dimensional would be an insult to the Pong bats.

Returning to the previous rant, the biggest fault of the movie is the crappy 3D, which is probably the worst I've ever seen. Mostly the just looks like ViewMaster slides, with flat characters lined in different depths. but occasionally it gets a lot worse, as objects are sloppily cut and their outlines exist in two different dimensions at the same time. Even the supposedly flat lake seems as round as the whirlpool from the opening scene never left. Even though I enjoyed the film, I'll probably think twice before wasting my hard-earned money on another 3D film converted in post-production.

Piranha: ★★★★
3D: ★

The Expendables 2 wish list

I proved my manhood today by finally going to see The Expendables. It was good enough that I didn't feel ripped off by the kickass trailers and whatnot. But as a huge fan of the reaganist 80's action films, there were some things I would've wished would have been done better.

For instance, this was sold as a team picture, but most of the time it's just Sly and Jason Statham talking. When the team finally assembles for the finale, Terry Crews does all the heavy ass-kicking. Seriously, all Sly, Statham and Jet Li do is get punched a lot. But Crews ain't letting nobody take him for a bitch - ever!

As The Expendables has made army trucks full of money by staying on top of the box office for two weeks, a sequel is on the way. During all the boring parts of the Expendables (ie. parts where there is talking and Arnold Schwarzenegger AND Bruce Willis or Mickey Rourke aren't involved) I used to fantasize about the sequel that would improve upon all areas.

The point for the Expendables was supposed to be to resurrect old 80's actions stars. Well, obviously Sly already resurrected himself with John Rocky and Rambo Balboa. And Mickey Rourke with The Sinster and Wrestle City. And Arnold and Bruce Willis merely cameo in the Exes. That leaves Dolph Lundgren the sole big winner of 80's action guys. All the others in the film are either more modern action stars or wrestlers. I wouldn't want to see the missing action superstars, like Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme, in the sequel. Van Damme saved his career with JCVD, Seagal probably does with Machete (even if he doesn't deserve to). I have much better ideas on how Sly should use his sequel-making millions.

• Sly isn't actually that good a director. Could we try to resurrect a better 80's action helmer this time? Get John McTiernan to save his career!
• And Sly isn't that great a writer either. Seriously, the so-called jokes in Expendables were pretty terrible. Let's resurrect Steven E. de Souza, screenwriter of Commando, The Running Man and Die Hard! And because he also wrote Street Fighter and The Flintstones, get Shane Black to supervize and improve on the one-liners.
• We need a good and charismatic main villain. Those lameasses in the Expendables make Bennett look like a potent threat. I'd like to see someone like John Travolta or Nicolas Cage ham it up. Or Christopher Walken, who'll do anything for cash.
  
• Gary Busey! I don't care if he would just play a hobo on the street, he looks like he could take down an Expendable or two with his craziness. You better believe it, butthorn!
• Where you have Busey, you should have Mel Gibson. Seriously, that dude would need the sympathy. Although the audience would probably just want to see him shot to tiny pieces. And hell, me too.
• More right-wing politics! I'm not gonna lie, as a bleeding-heart liberal, that's part of the guilty pleasure of watching a good ol' 80's action movie. That, and the homoerotiscm. And that might do the Expendables good too. Get the men into a closer team together.
  
• Of the big names, I would like to still see Chuck Norris, Wesley Snipes and Kurt Russel. If the latter can't find proper films after Death Proof, he'll be ripe for ensemble acting soon enough.
  
• BENNETT!
• Bill Murray as a ghost.
  
• Mr. T needs to show he's not just a pussy that shuns on the A-Team remake's violence and raps lamely about his mother. Get him to be a bad guy who rips someone's head off with his bare hands.
• Ditto Hulk Hogan.
• Speed boats!
  
• Get a Predator reunion! It's the best ensemble action film of the 80's. Get Carl Weathers, Richard Chavez and Jesse Ventura on the rival team of the Expendables. You know, the one commanded by Arnold himself!
  
• When all else fails, get Arnold to do a bigger role. I would scrap all the previous ideas just to see a movie where the Expendables take on Arnie - alone!