Coping With The Cloud

So after the smoke has cleared and the world has been devastated by nuclear holocaust, what then? Should society be rebuilt as it was, or should the remaining mankind adapt to the situation in a wholly new level? There are a number of ways the world might turn up after the drop of the bomb, but unfortunatelly they are mostly not very fun. Mostly.

Damnation Alley (1977)
Director: Jack Smight

Taking place in the futuristic year of 2012, Damnation Alley is based on Roger Zelazny's 1967 novel, which has been seen as an important predecessor to all sorts of post-apocalyptic stories since. In the book, a ragtag group of survivors take the role of pioneers and drive across America's radioactive wasteland. The loose film adaptation however, released on the same year as Star Wars, is more of an old-fashioned adventure romp than a truly horrifying cautionary tale with barbarian motorcycle tribes. Nevertheless, it does have several quite effective scenes.

First, we have a lengthy opening scene that explains the background of the holocaust of World War III. Lieutenant Tanner (Jan-Michael Vincent) and Major Denton (George Peppard) of the US Air Force see incoming missiles on their radar and launch a nuclear counter-attack. The nuclear apocalypse turns the weather unpredictable and mutates the flora and fauna all across the continent. The world turns increasingly hostile against mankind.

Two years later, Tanner and Denton, still surviving in the Southern California military base, have been waiting for a radio signal to give sign of any other survivors. They finally manage to capture one in Albany. As an explosion destroys most of the base and kills most survivors, they, along with Airman Keegan (Paul Winfield) equip a truck to take them through "Damnation Alley" all the way to Albany. On their way they face numerous dangers and various survivors.

Most of the film is spent (cost-effectively) in the cockpit of the military truck with the survivors arguing. This is not very intersting to follow. But bits here and there make the film worth your while. We meet Tanner two years after the holocaust as he drives a dirt bike across attacking hoardes of giant radioactive scorpions, and lures them away by dropping a decoy woman among them. Later on, there's a particularly nasty scene featuring a swarm of flesh-eating roaches. The story has cannibal mutant hillbillies involved! And a very young Jackie Earle Haley! And we get to see post-apocalyptic Las Vegas (much like the Vegas of our time, except the people).

The special effects are also noticeably striking for their time, particularly the odd-colored and deadly nuclear storms on the sky. It's a fairly entertaining film, but the setting of the thing post-Apocalypse is incidential at best. It could be a space tale, featuring the new pioneers just as well.

★★★

On the Beach (1959)
Director: Stanley Kramer

In the late 1950's, as Hollywood's studio system had started to crumble, and the Cold War about to reach its peak, even major ensemble Hollywood films could be surprisingly dark and morbid. Case in point is this film about the holiday village at the end of the world, which somehow also reflects some features of WWII-era romances but turns their optimism completely upside down. This is a movie with a message, and it's not afraid to rub the audience's face in it.

An Australian harbor town hosts the last surviving Americans after an apocalyptic nuclear war. The American nuclear submarine USS Sawfish comes to the shore. The vessel's commander Towers (Greogory Peck) still harbors hope that his family had survived the nuclear war. He meets the lonely old maid Moira Davidson (Ava Gardner), the owner of a nearby farm. Even though the pair start to harbor feelings for eacho other, Towers can't come to terms with his past and his wife and children's death. At the same time it dawns to the surviving scientists that the Nuclear cloud is heading to Australia and wiping all life in a mere month. This news is taken the worst by the Australian Lt. Holmes (Anthony Perkins), whose wife is expecting their firstborn child.

As post-apocalyptic stories go, this one seems to be adamantly of the opinion that even the most extreme conditions won't disrupt well-worn societal structures. Even with the certain Apocalypse looming in, the rich go to their gentleman's club to enjoy vintage wine, and to be served by common folk. Also military ranks remain, and the end of the world has no effect on their work shifts, nor the respect they receive from the people. Only on the last day of his life, does the faithful butler dare to take a sip of fine wine himself.

As a holiday resort for the damned, the people have the opportunity to do everything that they ever wanted, such as the race car-building and competing Julian Osborne (Fred Astaire). At the same time the looming doom does bring down spirits in even the happiest occasions. There's an odd feeling of uncertainty all through this film, which creates quite an unusual mood to surround it.

Moreso than any season of Lost, this is a movie where it's easy to come to the conclusion that between the lines all the characters are already dead and just spending time in limbo before their final judgement.

★★1/2

Akira (Japan, 1988)
Director: Katsuhiro Ôtomo

Of course, the petty western fears of nuclear annihilation can't hold a candle to horrors in the Japanese subcosciousness. That country is the still only one that has suffered through actual nuclear attacks. The most visually stuning representation of life under the threat of atomic annihilation is of course this classic anime film, based on director Katsuhiro Ôtomo's own multi-part manga series. Whereas the manga series featured gigantic nuclear explosions after another in pretty much every volume of its run, the film has to keep things more streamlined. It's a good decision, since it places more weight on the megalomaniacal explosion that does occur.

Neo-Tokyo has been rebuilt from the rubbles of a gigantic explosion that totally vanquished it 30 years prior. In 2019, the city is still military led, that at least attempts to keep a society together. In reality, however, the city belongs to criminals, juveline delinquents and their bike gangs. The leader of the Capsules, Kaneda keeps a tight leash on his best friend Tetsuo. While the gang is fighting their rivals, The Clowns, Tetsuo is kidnapped by government agents.

It turns out Tetsuo has powerful psychic skills, which has been caused by a government project to create mind weapons even stronger than nuclear weapons. Akira, the child-god that caused the destruction of Tokyo in 2019, was such a weapon. Unfortunatelly, drunk with power, Tetsuo sets out to search and awaken Akira from his hibernation. It's up to Kaneda and the young revolutinary Kay to stop him.

Despite Hollywood's best efforts, Akira is really a story that can only belong in 80's Japan. The dark, nihilistic world-view is connected to the growing fears of nuclear war in the Reagan era. The film's body horror caused by biotechnological fusion also shows that being blown to molecyles isn't really the most frightening thing about nuclear holocaust. The mutating survivors would envy the dead. The film is also very unremoreseful, killing people in a massive scale.

As a teenager when first viewing this classic, I didn't care for the main character, the frankly quite assholish Kaneda. But Ôtomo's strength as a storyteller comes from the fact he's not doing a straightforward hero's journey story. Rather, the case is a little like it is with Clockwork Orange: the youth is fucked up. We can't do anything about it, but the future will belong to them no matter what we do. In both, the sociopathic, druggy individual is the creation of the society that surrounds it. Stronger, militaristic grip on the little people just creates starker resistance. As the government, also the people opposing give as many shits about collateral damage while fighting against it.

There's only one thing this pill-popping fiend really cares about.

So this decay may be the biggest thing to fear in the case of societal collapse: a lot worse than any radioactive cloud or radiation disease.

★★★★

Ray Bradbury Presents

 
The acclaimed sci-fi author Ray Bradbury passed away June 5th at the ripe old age of 91. His contributions to the genre were huge, and he was rightly beloved. But I never read a single one of his books (Well, maybe I read a comic adaptation or two). Most of my knowledge of Bradbury's body of work, like with a lot of other stuff, comes from cinema. So I'll take a look at four motion pictures (like a 91-year-old would say) that were in some way made due to a contribution by Bradbury.

Moby Dick (1956)
Director: John Huston

Bradbury was a co-screenwriter with director John Huston in this adaptation of Herman Melville's metaphorical sea-faring novel. The film makes several of the novel's underlying metaphores painfully clear, but at least it recognizes that it's where the real meat of the novel is, rather than an adventure in whaling. It's a man-versus-nature story, or rather, man versus his own overwhelming negative emotions, hatred, rage, vengefullness and spite. For those sins, man also deserves God's wrath, which like the biblical whale that ate Jonah, comes Moby Dick, the almost diablocal whale, and an unstoppable force-of-nature.

A young man named Ishmael (Richard Baseheart) seeks to head out to the seas as a whaler. He meets and becomes friends with a Polynesian harpooner named Queequeg (Friedrich von Ledebur) as both men are seeking out work in the harbour. They finally strike luck when a vessel named the Pequod, led by Captain Ahab (Gregory Peck), hires them aboard. But as the young whalers will soon see, they won't be just hunting whales for a living, they are hunting a very certain whale for revenge. For Captain Ahab blames the huge white whale Moby Dick for the loss of his foot, and has since dedicated his life to slay the beast. His hatred for the natural predator grows so strong, that Ahab doesn't care about anything else, not even the safety and survival of his crew.

"From hell's heart, I'll stab at thee!"

It's the sort of classic film that looks almost comically theatrical by today's standards. Gregory Peck hams it up as the crazed Captain Ahab, and the film also features a cameo by Orson Welles as a fire-and-brimstone preacher. But because in essence the story is about man's worst feelings, it's not necessarily a bad thing that the film drips of pure emotion. The effects scenes are very convincing for the time, and the look of the film is an accurate representation of my preconceptions as a reader. It chops a long novel into a fairly short movie (115 minutes) and thus also simplifies it a lot, but as an adventure story, this is one that is both an intriguing adventure and something that gives one a bit to ponder about.

★★★★

Fahrenheit 451 (1966)
Director: François Truffaut

Fahrenheit 451, perhaps Bradbury's most famous novel, had a very artistically successful movie adaptation. The title refers to the heat in which truth burns. Thus, the story is a cry for the freedom of speech, the value of literature, imagination and individuality. It's a very functioning portrayal of a dystopia, in that it's threats are not underlined by an ominous score or a dark cinamatography. Rather, Truffaut's stylish film evokes the best in 60's design, the cinematography is colorful and beautiful. It undelines the fact that the dystopian future it depicts, with all modern comforts but books being banned, is little more than a gilded cage.

Montag (Oskar Werner) is the head of the future fire brigade, whose job it is to raid private houses, find hidden books and burn them to cinders, rather than to fight actual fires. Basically he's Gestapo if the printed word is the Polish Jew in 1940. He lives a simple life, with his wife staying home and watching television, and popping pills and being drugged out of her mind at all times. But in one case, Montag meets Clarisse (Julie Christie), a bibliofile hoarding books, yet he finds her attractive so he doesn't blow the whistle on her. Clarisse in turn starts to help Montag open his eyes and see that the things he stands up for are wrong, and people are only free if they are allowed to read, think and act for themselves. Montag in turn is caught between his past life, and a life with Clarisse, which is the life of a fugitive.

While the effects have aged badly, they are still oddly ominous.

Truffaut proves once again his skills as a true auteur, as he won't frame this as a simple high-tensioned thriller or an action movie. That's not to say there aren't any suspense, with several very Hitchcockian chase scenes included. But in the end, the film's a thoroughly cerebral affair. The film's plot moves along very slowly, and similar book-burning scenes follow each other. Truffaut also likes to show in closeup just what books are being burned at any times, and they also include a number of Cahiers du Cinema, and his own book about screenwriting. The TV shows he contrasts thinking with, are thoroughly braindead material, only meant to get the audience's obidience. Werner acts the main role mostly without any expressions. That's so we the viewers must figure for ourselves what is going through his head at all times. One should think, watching this, whether we've already taken a step to this direction. Will all printed words be burned soon and replaced with iPads, Kindles and other technology, which can be more easily controlled by those in power? There's also a good reason why the film's opening credits are spoken aloud.

★★★★

Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland (1989)
Directors: Masami Hata, William T. Hurtz

Perhaps a bit surprisingly, Bradbury also did some work on the script of this animated film based on Windsor McCay's classic comic strip. He is credited of coming up with the "concept". Another recently passed visionary, comic artist Jean "Moebius" Giraud, wrote the story with Hayao Miyazaki's trusted screenwriter Yutaka Fujioka, and Home Alone's director Chris Columbus wrote the actual script with, um, Journey 2's Richard Outten. As one can plainly see, the writing staff has quite a varied set of talents, and even cultural backgrounds. But considering this, the script holds together surprisingly well, and features call backs on many of McCay's most memorable fantasy segments.

Nemo (voiced by Gabriel Damon) is a young boy who has a vivid imagination and a pet flying squirrel named Icarus. At nighttime his dreams tend to come alive, and his bed starts to fly, taking him to adventures. One night he barely escapes a charging train with his life. The adventure only ends when he wakes from falling out of his bed. The next night, after eating a whole pie, he's visited by Professor Genius and his ward, who explain to him that he's been chosen to be the playmate of King Morpheus's daughter Camille. So, the trio flies off to Slumberland. On the way, Nemo meets the troublespme Flip (Mickey Rooney), a clown who tempts Nemo to join him on mischief and trouble-making. Eventually, Flip's uncontrollability and bad influence makes Nemo break King Morpheus's rules and open a door which releases Nightmares to Slumberland. But can Nemo tell the difference of what he's deaming and what's real? INCEPTION!

The subconscious aspect of the story is dwelled on briefly, but then forgotten along the way.

The film is a near Anime, in that most animators working for this are Japanese. Yet it has a certain western flavor to it as well, and the characters are expressful and move according to their physique. The film spends quite a lot of time lingering on the various wonders and big ideas that McCay might have based a single-paged strip with. It also takes quite a long time for the central conflict to come to picture. The central nemesis, Nightmare King, is also a bit too clichéd and underwhelming main villain. I prefer my favorite nemesises to pull the strings for a long while rather than just appear at the final fight. Also the film's songs are ear-piercing and I hate the "good goblin" comic relief that appear near the end. The show is stolen by the anti-heroic Flip and his hedonistic, fun-loving and cigar-chomping habits. Rooney does fine job as his voice, too. The main problem, as with McCay's strip, is, that Nemo himself is quite a blank and boring character, more a vessel than a real person with conflicts and such. Of course, during the course of the film he learns the value of responsibility and whatnot. But this is still a vivid, colorful and interesting animated movie.

★★★

A Sound of Thunder (2005)
Director: Peter Hyams

Sigh. It's sad to leave Bradbury's career in such a down note, but we must aknowledge that this abomination also exists. One of Bradbury's most famous short stories features time-traveling to meet dinosaurs in the past. Of course, since time-traveling is an unstable concept at best, even the slightest change in the past can have catastrophic consequences for history once the traveler gets back. The best adaptation of this story is The Simpsons' classic Treehouse of Horror segment Time And Punishment, where Homer travels to the past with a broken toaster, squashes a bug, and finds that in the modern day Ned Flanders is the unquestioned overlord of the universe. D'oh! But Time And Punishment this ain't, and I tell you, a Punishment it surely am.

So in 2055 there's a company that brings hunters to the Cretaceous era to hunt the Most Dangerous Game... Dinosaurs! All animals have long been extinct, but the very rich still have a strong urge to kill living things, which makes the business plan a success. But the "Time safari" goers must follow strict rules, stay on the given path and only kill game that would die soon anyway to prevent any effects to timeline. Of course one asshole has to ruin it for everyone and strays off the path. This sends "time ripples" all through history and generally messes evolution up all through time. Since all changes don't happen at once, a team of scientists and hunters must go back and prevent the catastrophy before all of the world is entirely changed.

All of the above may seem quite interesting and good, but it's only since I've reduced the movie back to text form, which came from the mind of Bradbury in the first place. Watching the actual movie is another thing altogether, and a painful experience. The complicated story, involving futuristic machines and dinosaurs would need high production values to be done properly. Unfortunately, the producers making this film have had a budget that even Asylum employees would find to be a pittance. Thus, the effects would look bad in a PlayStation 1 game cut scene. And there's nothing charmng about CGI effects this horrendous. There's not even the tiniest shred of anything interesting in the film's extended cast. All they do is run around, shouting exposition and getting killed in unpleasingly non-violent fashion. The film is dark and badly directed, so one can't make much of what's happening on screen anyway. Renny Harlin was reportedly considered to direct this. While I can't imagine he could've done anything good with a budget so small and a script so stinky, at least he could've delivered a fun action scene or two. Stay away!

★

Post-Apocalyptic Barbarians

In the bleakest possible future, mankind survives. Everything else is reduced to rubble, but mankind survives to fight against each other. Civilizations will crumble and everyone will resort to primitive violence to survive. Gangs will roam the Earth, ruling with an iron fist. You wouldn't want to live in that kind of a world, but fortunately that makes a somewhat interesting movie scenario. Cheap, too, as filmmakers don't need sets, just a desert or a gravel mount to shoot the picture. Indeed, since this subgenre's hayday was in the 80's, more money was used on hair styles to create authentic-looking punk rock mohawks.

Violent gang members, or Billy Idol concert goers circa 1982?

The other main player in these sort of films are the run-down cars, which have tin foil weapons mounted on them. When these two areas are in condition, one only needs to steal a generic western plot and we're good to go.

"Step right up to see the real Moon Mobile"

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (Australia/USA 1981)
Director: George Miller

Several genre pictures from the late 70's and early 80's were so influential as to create a whole sub genre just to copy them. Miller's postapocalyptic western Mad Max, and especially its more well-known sequel are definitely among this very select group. But the fact of the matter is, this is not merely because Miller caught the zeitgeist, he was also ingenious enough to use several very worn-out parts to create something new (like the film's cars). Actually, this film's predecessor is a bit boring police/vigilantism flick, so I almost prefer to call this The Road Warrior as it was released in the United States. I would prefer that Mel Gibson's Max is a sort of Man With No Name -type of character, coming from nowhere and just manipulating the situation where he can find it for his own means, rather than a man who's lost everything who gets a chance to redeem his violent vagrant ways. So let's ignore the first film of the trilogy then.

So in Mad Max's post-Apocalyptic wasteland, fuel is more precious than gold (yet motorized vehicles are the only thing keeping the survivors moving in the scorching desert). Driving by, Max finds a "gyrocopter" in the desert, which is actually a trap devised by The Gyro Captain (Bruce Spence) to steal the gasoline from any curious passer-by. But Max's dog stops the scheme. To save his life, Gyro promises to show Max where there's plenty of more fuel. He leads him to a fortified oil refinery. As it happens, the refinery's occupants are under attack from a gang led by Lord Humungus (Kjell Nilson), The Ayatollah of Rock And Rollah. Among Humungus's gang there's also Max's old enemy Wez (Vernon Wells). The gang withdraws, but promises to strike back with all their force if the villagers don't surrender. The villagers then choose to turn to Max to device a plan to get them and their precious gas to safety.

Humungus DOES resemble Bane quite a bit. Also a more down-to-earth Darth Vader. And Jason.

Miller is an excellent action director and most of the film's cult reputation comes from its superb car chase scenes. They get bigger and bigger as the film goes along, with plenty of explosions and memorable stunts to go along with it. Miller also has a good dark sense of humor, and thus gives unexpected laughs from scenes such as man getting his fingers severed by trying to catch a metal boomerang. The characterizations are iconic as well, and some sort of variations of the movie's colorful cast of characters pop all the time in Italian rip offs.

★★★★

Warriors of the Wasteland a.k.a. The New Barbarians (I nuovi barbari, Italy/USA, 1983)
Director: Enzo G. Castellari

Of course, the Italians weren't far behind to ride on the fad. Genre maestro Castellari had the bright idea to save money by shooting the whole film in a gravel pit, which looks about as postapocalyptic as you can guess. What there was of the budget was used to hire the blaxploitation star Fred Williamson to a minor part. The rest of the film was performed by amateurs or Italians or amateur Italians. 

This one goes one step further in western thematics by stealing the plot straight from A Fistful of Dollars, which, like any cinemahead worth his salt would tell you, stole it's plot from Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo. It's really kind of amazing of how many different variations one can make from the plot consisting of "A stranger plays two violent gangs against each other for personal profit". I know there's at least a gangster and a space version out there as well.

No, this still is still from the postapocalyptic one. This is the film's hero.

The Templars are evil, white-clad barbarians, driving out to the wasteland only for looting and polluting. A wandering desperado called Scorpion (Giancarlo Prete) runs into them, and barely survives with his life. He seeks refuge at the hands of the other striving gang, which tend to his wounds. Scorpion falls for the beautiful Alma (Anna Kanakis), and starts to plan on how to rid of the world of the Templars and their religious fanatics once and for all. But his plan happens to be the kind, that makes one question Scorpion's sexuality and think that he was just using Alma as a beard to get to dress in see-through plastic and ram burly, bearded guys from behind. With his car, of course.

The film is based on a number of bad ideas from ridiculous fashion sense, to ludicrous amounts of homoeroticism, to a super-annoying presence of a 8-year-old mechanic boy, who kills grown barbarians with his slingshot. While Williamson's character is one tough motherfucker, shooting explosive arrows and wooing the ladies, he's in the film far too shortly. The worst thing (or best, if you are hungry your camp humor) is that while the film is violent enough, the toy cars, the nonexistent sets and the badly directed car chases mean there's not really any excitement in this whatsoever.

Even the villains are bored.

It's not even clear just to whom was Castellari aiming this thing for. Perhaps he wanted to make a fashion statement about the overuse of synthetic material in clothing, and emphasized it by making everyone's wardrobe straight from plastic. That still doesn't explain the film's odd sexual stance and at the very least the very suspectful choice Scorpion makes for his life partner at the very end of the film.

★ or ★★★★★

2019 – After The Fall of New York (2019 – Dopo la caduta di New York, Italy/France 1983)
Director: Sergio Martino

The Road Warrior wasn't the only film Italian schlock-makers were drawing from when creating their masterpieces to fill out rising VHS markets. Other important models for success were the more urban flicks like Escape From New York (1981) and The Warriors (1979). These films drew a lot of the rising insecurity and turmoil at New York's streets at the time, and brought them to the conclusion that violent gangs would take over the town altogether. Martino's film isn't even close of being as subtle about this. It's a sort of a child's idea that that's how New York actually is, and essentially the film's story is partly a yarn about knights (the main character is named Parsifal) or cowboys (numerous references to the western Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid). But what Italians knew better than genre film makers from various other countries was to also be influenced by the long comic book / pulp novel tradition of the country, which makes Martino's film a much more colorful postapocalyptic story than, say, Castellari's gravel pit neo-western.

This could easily be a Nintendo game cartridge. Or a comic book cover.

After a nuclear holocaust, the survivors in America have all lost their fertility. There is, however, one last fertile woman hidden deep within New York City, which the hero is chosen to escort out from the violent battle zone (sound familiar to any Children of Men fans?). Things are complicated by the fact that most New Yorkers have mutated into hostile, bloodthirsty monsters. Parsifal (Michael Sopkiw) is a notably good Death Race driver, resourceful, skillful and ruthless, which is why he's chosen for the mission by the Pan-American Federation. The Federation must also fight against the evil Euracs, European-Asian-African invaders who want to reach fertility by cruel scientific tests and wiping out all mutant kind they can reach. Thus, most of NYC's inhabitants live underground in the sewer systems and such.

The film's look defies expectations in that it actually has several quite striking sets and even miniature shots. The film's multiple gangs are well-wardrobed and look striking. The only gravel-pit scene is in the very beginning, after which most of the film seems to be shot at studio sets. Maybe they auctioned some old sci-fi sets off, and redecorated them to look brand new for the film? Perhaps all the money they saved for not featuring any Hollywood actors was used to enhance the visual sense? In any case, Martino manages to make the production look far bigger than it is. Pity he doesn't have the skills to be a director of epic proportions. The whole film is shot, and staged to be shown on video, rather than on a big screen, which is a shame.

The ruling class, pictured.

As you probably noticed, the film is packed to the rafters with content. It's goofy story extends back and fort with plenty of minute details, which doesn't make much sense anyway. But sometimes the kind of approach where crazy amounts of stuff is cannoned to the wall to see what sticks, works. There's not a single boring moment throughout this oddball cheesefest, and the plot manages to take few very surprising turns. At the core there's still a very similar rescue mission to John Carpenter's Escape, and Parsifal is a dead ringer to Snake Plissken. Like Plissken, he manages to collect a colorful team of riff-raff to help him through the city. In a way, he thusly also manages to unite the feuding races, mutants and gang members alike. So, we have a robot, a claw-hand, a midget, an ape-man and a rat-eating blonde. One of whom is a traitor. If this film wasn't as confusing at times, and as shameless theft of more well-done films, then, folks, we could've found what would have been the next Star Wars. Come to think of it, this kind of films should be just as popular.

★★★ 1/2

Review: Iron Sky

Iron Sky (c) 2012 Energia Productions.

Iron Sky is so popular and all over the map right now because it's an underdog story. That has nothing to do with the film's actual plot, but everything to do with its production. A group of dedicated finnish film fans have had an outrageous idea, then have battled to get it done for six long years. The end result is a collaboration between fans from all over the world. And the finished film looks amazing, considering its special effects have been made in the basements of nerds, not in the large offices of high-profile effects companies. The production design, wardrobe and sets are also stunningly well-crafted and suitably appetizing for the imagination. The film looks a lot more expensive than it actually is. A lot of work has been clearly put into accomplishing this. So if ever a movie deserved to make it big with just the story of its creation, it's this one. And it's about Futuristic Steampunk Moon Nazis.

So is the end result any good? Sadly not that much, even though the film does have its moments, which might make the film more enjoyable for more forgiving audiences. But personally, I like my nazi exploitation nasty and dirty. Simply put, Iron Sky isn't mean enough to be a cult exploitation film, nor is it funny enough to be a good sci-fi comedy. To be fair, there are plenty of chuckles throughout, but no belly-laughs. The film's also been in production for so long, a lot of the gags feel polished to the point they have no edge, and even worse, seriously outdated.

Flieg, Zeppelin, Flieg! Flieg nach Krieg.

In 2018, a Sarah Palin-like President of the United States (see?) has put a man on the moon again. This time, one of these astronauts, James Washington (Christopher Kirby), happens to be black. This is of course mere white-washing to make the president seem more diverse, and to ensure her re-election in an upcoming vote. The real reason for the expedition is to find some of the precious energy source Helium 3. But on the moon Washington soon runs into trouble as he finds a long-hidden Helium mine and Moon base on the Dark Side. And gets himself captured by the runners of the facilities, long lost Nazis.

These Nazis, led by their Führer Wolfgang Kortzfleisch (Udo Kier) are planning an all-out invasion of Earth. The Führer's sinister second-in-command Klaus Adler (Götz Otto) attempts to use these plans to organize a coup d'etat among their own ranks. He also realizes that the captured Washington could help him gather some of modern Earth technology to ease his attempt. Adler's wife-to-be Renate Richter (Julia Dietze) is a happy-go-lucky supporter of the Reich, believing Nazism to be a peaceful ideology. When she decides to help Washington survive in the hostile environment, it begins to dawn to her that maybe there's more to Nazism that has met her eye on the Moon.

So, the film juggles between all these characters that actually come together only occasionally.  Washington himself is played as a stereotypical movie black man through and through, altough this might be part of the joke.  Nevertheless, as a lead he would need to have more to do. His blossoming romance with Richter, along with her change of heart, seem tacked on. As do a lot of the movie's other various plot threads. Director Vuorensola can't really seem to grasp the film as a whole. He has troubles choosing whether the film is a light-hearted parody or played-as-straight exploitation. So he has to balance both of these options. Maybe also the film's production has forced the crew to shoot the scenes so seperate from each other that there is scarcely much connection between them. But one shouldn't give pity points to sloppy storytelling, no matter what the reason.

Vuorensola has troubles trying to build up the film's suspense to it's climatic space-battles. At least those are cool-looking, innovative and silly enough. The film's comedy tends to be goofy, and there are some fan-pandering to both tech-savvy nerds and film nerds. The funniest parts are seen in an International war conference room, channeling the spirit of Dr. Strangelove. It's just too bad that the film's political commentary is so dumb and black-and-white. It wipes the viewer's face with its comparison of Nazis and Right-wing conservative Americans. With a little more ambition it could've had the ingredients for a smart satire, but most of the tricks it does utilize have already been used better in classic films, which are also referenced.

"As Nazis rear their heads and come into the air space of the USA, where do they go? It's Alaska. You betcha!"

Even though it is easy to find flaws in the film, I still do really want to see it succeed and to find its own audience across the world. It is a ground-breaking piece of Finnish cinema. Not with its cinematic qualities, but it's unique advertizing campaign. During all of the six years it has been made, fans have been treated with script exercpts, stills, effect test footage and even chances to gather funding and appear as extras. The thank you list at the end credits lasts almost as long as long as the Cold War. But, like it was so aptly put in Twitch's review, it is probably because it's lot more fun to think what sort of a movie might a film about Secret Moon Nazis be, than to watch the finished product.

★★ 1/2

IRON SKY
FINLAND / GERMANY / AUSTRALIA, 2012
Language: English

Director: Timo Vuorensola

Screenplay: Michael Kalesniko, Timo Vuorensola, based on a story by Johanna Sinisalo, and an original concept by Jarmo Puskala
Director of Photography: Mika Orasmaa
Starring: Julia Dietz, Christopher Kirby, Götz Otto, Udo Kier, Stephanie Brown, Peta Sergeant

Autumn Preview

Hooray! The 24th Helsinki International Film Festival opens today. What follows is 10 days of Love, Anarchy and Unforgettable movies. I can understand that some of my readers that don't live in or anywhere near Helsinki might feel sad or jealous because they miss such a big tidal wave of excellent movies. But fret not, because this year is still going to be filled with great movie experiences. To complete my Preview Trilogy for the year, here are some of the most interesting. Consider this also to be a guessing game as to what is the Surprise Film that's going to be shown at HIFF on Thursday 22nd of September.

The Ides of March
Director: George Clooney



George Clooney is the one of the most politically-aligned Hollywood directors we have today. Who better to helm a political thriller where a presidential campaign worker finds one too many dark truths behind the curtain. The cast is certainly impressive, from the soon-to-be-biggest star Ryan Gosling to the always amusing-to-brilliant Paul Giamatti and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Margin Call
Director: J.C. Chandor



Politics seem to be pop in this autumn's films, and this drama based on the recent economics already created good buzz at the Berlin Film Festival in the spring. Stanley Tucci, Kevin Spacey and that guy who played Spock are bankers behind the foul play that created the recent recession of 2008. And that still kind of lingers on. Economics are mostly numbers, so it's hard to make that into a compelling drama, but this seems to emphasize the decision-makings and group meetings, and seems intriguing.

In Time
Director: Andrew Niccol



Andrew Niccol (of Gattaca fame) returns to smart sci-fi with this yarn of a world where rich people can stay young by stealing years from the poor. So far, so Portrait of Dorian Gray, but wouldn't you know it, someone gets murdered, and recently released Justin Timberlake is blamed. He must clear his name before his time runs out. A good thing about film about a world where no one ages after 25 is that Hollywood can showcase their upcoming talents. So we have Cillian Murphy, Olivia Wilde, Amanda Seyfried and Vincent Kartheiser (from Mad Men) doing their best Inception.

Killer Elite
Director: Gary McKendry



From the less cerebral department we have Crank and Mr. Shoot 'Em Up meeting Robert DeNiro. This is the future of action right here. I honestly will never get bored of seeing Jason Statham kick things or Clive Owen shoot things up. Teaming these two brits from different social classes up is a match made in heaven. Oh yeah, and maybe DeNiro won't suck too much either. Whatever, what really sells is that this preposterous film is claimed to be "based on actual events".

The Rum Diary
Director: Bruce Robinson



For me, the most eagerly awaited film of the fall is what I hope to be Johnny Depp's return to form. He's done a lot of bad film choices since he became the biggest name in Hollywood, but basically playing Hunter S. Thompson has worked well for him before. And in the hands of Withnail & I director Bruce Robinson, this boozy adventure in the Caribbean seems be a billion times funnier and better than all of the Pirates fares put together. I hope they do allow flasks in the theatre, though.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn
Director: Steven Spielberg



Of course I await this adventure eagerly as well, but have a bit more fears about it. I have nothing else against motion capture technology, but I still think the human face is the most interesting object one can have in a movie, and it really can't be accurately replicated with a computer. I'd wish Spielberg had implented the real faces of actors into those CGI bodies, so as to not have to look at eyes straight from uncanny valley. But the second trailer does look a lot better than the first, so the end result may surprise us yet. What I'm most happy about, though, is that it seems that Captain Haddock, Thomson and Thompson have been captured on screen accurately.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Director: David Fincher



And the award for the best trailer of the year goes to... David Fincher! Really it's no wonder that the old music video director can shoot a trailer that's so perfectly in rhythm. But what is noteworthy is that he can make the film based on the actually-pretty-average novel that everyone is sick about by now seem exciting. There have been rumours that Fincher has bettered the novel's weak structure considerably, and redone the ending in the process. That leaves an air of excitement over this, because it could really be anything. And also I always welcome a chance to post this poster, that's amazingly hot to be American.

A Dangerous Method
Director: David Cronenberg



On the other hand, here's a trailer that seems at first to be about a pretty general costume drama. But as you know that it's a film from David Cronenberg, it slowly turns much more intimidating. Cronenberg has been fascinated by psycho-sexuality pretty much all his career, and it's intriguing to see him go to the very source of it. And who better to play out the meeting of doctors Freud and Jung than Viggo Mortensen and Michael Fassbender. It seems even Keira Knightley has got some meat in her role as well, even though it's curious that her name comes first in the trailer.


Immortals
Director: Tarsem Singh



From the visually talented director of The Fall comes a seemingly another remake of the Clash of the Titans. But this looks a lot better than that dreck, and also less macho and stupid than 300, to which it compares itself. Singh himself invites compares to Fight Club, whatever the hell that means. But let's not forget that he has the talents of Mickey Rourke and John Hurt to back him on this. The future Superman Henry Cavill stars.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Director: Guy Ritchie



And finally, we have the return of Robert Downey Jr.'s brawler Holmes. I hope this will be the franchise's The Dark Knight as compared to the previous film's Batman Begins, as it finally features Holmes going up against his future arch nemesis, Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris). So let's also hope for some witty banter between the two enemies. As for verbal sparring partners, the always excellent Stephen Fry will appear as Sherlock's smarter older brother Mycroft. It is also nice that the bromance with Jude Law's Dr. Watson seems to have survived intact, even if the level of the jokes on the trailer doesn't really shatter the earth. And of course you get a lot more bang for your buck now.

Summer Preview

It will be quite the summer of big blockbusters yet again. I love brainless entertainment, but alas, way too many big-budgeted brainmelters tend to, well, suck. Here's my own, unaligned, view on whether this summer's films will be any good or whether they will make any money. They are arranged by the US opening date, so you should check just when are they actually released in your own home country.

May 6th

Thor
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Studio: Marvel, Paramount (distribution)

Verily, prepare for battle! Thor is probably my favorite Marvel character that hasn't been featured in a film yet. Although the character and his universe are brilliant, I can understand why it might be a hard sell for the reality- and technology-based superhero film industry.

Thor is the God of Thunder who fights wrongs with his enchanted Uru hammer Mjolnir at both his magical home world Asgard as well as in our home world Midgard. Thor also speaks in strange Shakespearean dialect, which probably sold the concept to world's biggest W.S. fanboy Kenneth Branagh. But alas, ye ol' trash talk has been considerably toned down for the movie. Initially I was also disappointed on the design of the film, as it looks nothing like the viking architecture. But I've since come to terms that it is more representative of Jack Kirby's art, so let's hope the story is also representative of the craziness of his battle scenes as well as the dialogue would be representative of Stan Lee's soap opera storytelling. The trailer looks pretty good, with kickass action and a suitable amount of humour for a film this crazy. The awesomeness extends to the casting as well, as we have Anthony Hopkins playing Odin (essentially the Jewish idea of God - vengeful, petty and easily enraged) and most deliciously Idris Elba playing the Norse warrior Heimdall.  The film will be worth seeing at least because that part of the casting will bug the hell out of some batshit insane neo nazis. Have at thee! Can we have Matt Damon, Danny Trejo and Steven Seagal as the Warriors Three in the sequel?

Predicted Stars: ****
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win!

May 20th

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Director: Rob Marshall
Studio: Disney

I didn't hate the PotC sequels as much as the rest of the world, yet I still don't carry much enthusiasm for another installment. At least this time around they aren't out to make the world's most expensive epic, which is a good start. The continuing misadventures of Jack Sparrow should allow for all sorts of adventures, and it's good that the franchise has gotten a fresh director to bring out a new vision. It's just a pity that that director of Rob Marshall, maker of... not really anything worth mentioning. Some crappy musicals and a racist melodrama, basically. Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio keep on scriptin'. I would and will only watch this for Ian McShane's performance as Blackbeard.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail: Kids may still like the series, but I'll still go for Mildly Disappointing, here. 

May 27th

The Hangover: Part II
Director: Todd Phillips
Studio: Warner Bros.

Comedy sequels are usually not as funny as the first ones. As the first Hangover was based on various extremities, this can (and probably will) top it in that category and find some even more extreme antics for a boys night out. The setting in Bangkok strongly promises this. Let's hope it is still funny. The first one also had the advantage of being a sleeper hit, as this one is being advertized as a big hit from scratch. So it has that against it. Also, Zach Galifianakis has proved that he can be really, really irritating as well as funny and cuddly, so it's a fine line we're balancing here. Oh, and the celebrity cameos? They've really been done to death as a comedy form all ready. It doesn't work for New Simpsons episodes, I doubt it will work here.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail? Win.

Kung Fu Panda 2
Director: Jennifer Yuh
Studio: DreamWorks Animation

I liked the first one, but milking the franchise for too long is what ruined Shrek and it's initial film was better. Oh, DreamWorks. Will you ever learn?

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win. Folks like CGI critters.

June 3rd

X-Men: First Class
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Studio: 20th Century Fox



The X-Men movies have had a patchy history with movie executives, and the biggest fear concerning the latest installment is the fact that it was produced super-fast in a single year. Well, that and the series' weird continuity.  Nevertheless, Matthew Vaughn seems like a good bet to helm a superhero film, even though and because his last film was Kick-Ass, which took a hearty laugh at them. This also has a groovy premise, as it's the first Marvel film which takes place at the same time the original comic was published - in the swinging '60s.

The Hellfire Club is also a fascinating team of villains to have and they seem to be perfectly cast. Also Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy should have the right amount of charisma to pull off portraying the young Professor X and Magneto. But another problem is the series' odd fixation to throw as many mutants as possible to any given film. Now, it may give the film an epic quality, but the viewer can't really emotionally invest in too many heroes. And Havok, Banshee et al always seemed to be real C-list teammembers to me. I wonder why only Beast and Mystique are around from this "First Class" in the original X-trilogy. Could this film end with a surprising massacre?

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail: Win at least in the toy merchandize business markets.

June 10th

Super 8
Director: J.J. Abrams
Studio: Paramount, Amblin



Abrams is a master in keeping the details of his blockbusters under wraps. It's true with this one as well. What is know is that the film is supposedly a throwback to the kid-friendly Amblin Entertainment films (produced and/or directed by Steven Spielberg). That's not a bad thing per se. But the title and the trailer reveal that this is another one in the line of mystery konster movies that don't interest me any more after Lost and Cloverfield. Abrams is a good director, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of a doubt, but I'm still not holding too high hopes on this.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail: I think this might be a surprise Fail. Other, bigger films, with which people know exactly what they're getting, might steal Super 8's thunder. Recent years have seen plenty of kid's adventure films fail anyway.

June 17th

Green Lantern
Director: Martin Campbell
Studio: Warner Bros.



DC has finally started to catch up on Marvel in bringing its characters on the big screen. After Batman and Superman, it is a good call to make a film about a character that has a small universe onto itself. Green Lantern (Ryan Reynolds) is a superhero that's part of an intergalactic Corps that fight evil with rings that can project anything. The problem with DC (compared to Marvel at least) is that most of its flagpole characters don't really have any personalities beyond their superpowers. Nothing could be more boring than their civilian identities. The same rings true with Green Lantern, who's just another big boyscout character. Thus, it seems they have had to steal the characteristics of Tony Stark to make GL a little more appealing for the movie. I'm not really sold on this one. But I like Ryan Reynolds as much as is allowed for a straight man, Martin Campbell can be a heck of a action director, and the idea of Space Interpol seems cool enough. It will be fun to see weird aliens dressed in Halloween costumes, at least. Let's hope for the best.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail?: The crazy alien worlds and merciless Iron Man copying might affect the film, and its marketing hasn't been up to task on the Marvel films, so I'm going to say it's going to go with Lukewarm.

June 24th

Cars 2
Directors: John Lasseter, Brad Lewis
Studio: Disney, Pixar

The least possible excitement I could probably get from an upcoming Pixar movie would be if they made a sequel to their single most (and only) unoriginal, obnoxious and boring film. Which is exactly what they did. I hate Cars and as much as I try to think about it, I can't really see how the sequel could one-up the predecessor Toy Story style. The franchise is ultimately flawed: the world is creepy, and supports excessive consumption and the characters as annoying and racist as the worst comic sidekicks George Lucas and Michael Bay ever imagined. I won't see myself watching this ever. The whole film also reeks of having been made while thinking about all the merchandizing money. I blame Disney executives, not Pixar. At least they'll deliver something genuinely interesting next year.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail: Are you kidding me? It's probably the most profitable film of the year.

July 1st


Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Director: Michael Bay
Studio: Di Bonanventura Pictures, Paramount



Bwa ha ha ha! The robots will have mullets this time!

Predicted stars: *
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win. People will go on paying for Michael Bay movies, no matter what he does that should keep them away.

July 15th

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Director: David Yates
Studio: Village Roadshow Pictures, Warner Bros.



I haven't really followed the films from Part 4 on. I feel the film versions only diminish the joy I got from reading them (once, I might add). So this is the last one in the slavishly faithful series so it probably should be the finale that the series deserves. The trailer looks fine and I heard Part I was decent too. Good for the people that have the patience for these movies. It's probably one of the biggest hits of the summer.

Predicted Stars: ***
Box Office Win/Fail: WIN

July 22nd

The First Avenger: Captain America
Director: Joe Johnston
Studio: Marvel, Paramount (distributor)

One has to wonder why this wasn't put out on the 4th of July? Did they think Transformers was too much of a threat. As I'm not American, Cap certainly isn't among my favorite Marvel heroes. He's too goody two-shoes when he should have the same flaws as America has - rudeness, nosiness, seriously right-wing by his philosophy, being overweight and fighting before thinking. Nevertheless, I became intrigued of this when it was revealed that his adventure takes place during WWII, when the character was first concieved. But then again, the film isn't allowed to use Nazis as villains as a visible Swastika would terminate the toy merchandize. The choice to put the blandest of bland directors Joe Johnston to direct this also doesn't fare well. At least the film has Tommy Lee Jones and Hugo Weaving.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail?: Win in the US, Fail Internationally.

July 29th

Cowboys & Aliens
Director: Jon Favreau
Studio: Universal, DreamWorks



Besides Thor, my money for the most entertaining film of the summer is are on this film.  I love westerns and having Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford do one seems like a dream come true. To have some aliens thrown to the mix seems like the frosting on the cake. It really is just another one of those ridiculously awsome internet-spurned pairings, but hell if that doesn't seem like a good match. Harrison Ford hasn't been in a kick-ass movie since Air Force One, so he needs this (I'd say he did kick ass in the latest Indy, but the movie as a whole wasn't too hot). Daniel Craig isn't sure whether he'll play James Bond ever again so he needs this. Director Jon Favreau has fallen from the favour of Marvel so he needs this. If everyone involved will want this to be good, then it should bloody well be good, then.

Predicted Stars: ****
Box Office Win/Fail: This has a danger of not being based on any previous property, so it might be a hard sell. I do hope this has a quality that will sell the film, but I fear people will rather flock to see Transformers 3.

The Smurfs
Director: Raja Gosnell
Studio: Sony Pictures

Yawn. Another Alvin and the Chipmunks -style CGI- and live action mixture. Y'know. For kids. Everyone in Hollywood (and probably in America) seems to have forgotten the Smurfs lived in medieval times in the original comics, not modern. At least Hank Azaria seems oddly adapt for playing Gargamel. Expect a lot of jokes about farting (called "smurfing" this time) and blue pieces of shit.

Predicted Stars: *
Box Office Win/Fail: Win, as much as it pains me. I really don't trust audiences to go for quality, do I?

August 5th

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Director: Rupert Wyatt
Studio: 20th Century Fox



Having the world come to an end and go on gritty and all rebooted led to good box office scores on The Terminator franchise. So naturally the Hollywood suits figured that they'd do the same to the Planet of the Apes. It's a reboot and gritty origin story. I would've rather had the musical version. I also myself believe that the Apes should've been left in the 60's and 70's. I really can't be bothered with this one. I have a feeling a lot of moviegoers think the same way about this.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail: I really don't think this has too much going for it. Fail.

August 19th

Conan the Barbarian
Director: Marcus Nispel
Studio: Lionsgate, Nu Image, Millennium Films, Paradox Entertainment



"Conan the Barbarian 2011" is actually the #1 searchword with which people come across this blog. So I promise here and now to do a review of the film when it opens. That being said, I still haven't gotten my hopes up. It's not a bad choice to close the summer period, at least if you're like me and enjoy brutal barbarians steal precious diamonds, attract skimpy-dressed ladies and fight monsters.

Predicted Stars: **
Box Office Win/Fail?: As it has no big stars, no big sale, and it has alienated the fanbase with its wussy PG-13 rating, I'm going to think the box office will only be good if the film is very good. And I have my doubts.