Thursday, 26 August 2010

The Expendables 2 wish list

I proved my manhood today by finally going to see The Expendables. It was good enough that I didn't feel ripped off by the kickass trailers and whatnot. But as a huge fan of the reaganist 80's action films, there were some things I would've wished would have been done better.

For instance, this was sold as a team picture, but most of the time it's just Sly and Jason Statham talking. When the team finally assembles for the finale, Terry Crews does all the heavy ass-kicking. Seriously, all Sly, Statham and Jet Li do is get punched a lot. But Crews ain't letting nobody take him for a bitch - ever!

As The Expendables has made army trucks full of money by staying on top of the box office for two weeks, a sequel is on the way. During all the boring parts of the Expendables (ie. parts where there is talking and Arnold Schwarzenegger AND Bruce Willis or Mickey Rourke aren't involved) I used to fantasize about the sequel that would improve upon all areas.

The point for the Expendables was supposed to be to resurrect old 80's actions stars. Well, obviously Sly already resurrected himself with John Rocky and Rambo Balboa. And Mickey Rourke with The Sinster and Wrestle City. And Arnold and Bruce Willis merely cameo in the Exes. That leaves Dolph Lundgren the sole big winner of 80's action guys. All the others in the film are either more modern action stars or wrestlers. I wouldn't want to see the missing action superstars, like Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme, in the sequel. Van Damme saved his career with JCVD, Seagal probably does with Machete (even if he doesn't deserve to). I have much better ideas on how Sly should use his sequel-making millions.
  • Sly isn't actually that good a director. Could we try to resurrect a better 80's action helmer this time? Get John McTiernan to save his career!
  • And Sly isn't that great a writer either. Seriously, the so-called jokes in Expendables were pretty terrible. Let's resurrect Steven E. de Souza, screenwriter of Commando, The Running Man and Die Hard! And because he also wrote Street Fighter and The Flintstones, get Shane Black to supervize and improve on the one-liners.
  • We need a good and charismatic main villain. Those lameasses in the Expendables make Bennett look like a potent threat. I'd like to see someone like John Travolta or Nicolas Cage ham it up. Or Christopher Walken, who'll do anything for cash.
  • Gary Busey! I don't care if he would just play a hobo on the street, he looks like he could take down an Expendable or two with his craziness. You better believe it, butthorn!
  • Where you have Busey, you should have Mel Gibson. Seriously, that dude would need the sympathy. Although the audience would probably just want to see him shot to tiny pieces. And hell, me too.
  • More right-wing politics! I'm not gonna lie, as a bleeding-heart liberal, that's part of the guilty pleasure of watching a good ol' 80's action movie. That, and the homoerotiscm. And that might do the Expendables good too. Get the men into a closer team together.
  • Of the big names, I would like to still see Chuck Norris, Wesley Snipes and Kurt Russel. If the latter can't find proper films after Death Proof, he'll be ripe for ensemble acting soon enough.
  • Bill Murray as a ghost.
  • Mr. T needs to show he's not just a pussy that shuns on the A-Team remake's violence and raps lamely about his mother. Get him to be a bad guy who rips someone's head off with his bare hands.
  • Ditto Hulk Hogan.
  • Speed boats!
  • Get a Predator reunion! It's the best ensemble action film of the 80's. Get Carl Weathers, Richard Chavez and Jesse Ventura on the rival team of the Expendables. You know, the one commanded by Arnold himself!
  • When all else fails, get Arnold to do a bigger role. I would scrap all the previous ideas just to see a movie where the Expendables take on Arnie - alone!

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