It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really
good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might
be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most
"quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It
certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he
knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean
proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to
you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any
film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.
★ or ★★★★★
Three laughs case file #31: American Kickboxer 2 (USA, Philippines, 1993)
Director: Jenö Hodi
Let's kick two flies with one stone. Since we've been very interested both in bargain-bin VHS action movies and foreign movies from around the world, here we have a cheapo actioner that's been done in the lovely Philippines. American Kickboxer 2 has nothing to do with the first film in the franchise, as the case with sequels always should be.
It's a dumb-as-rocks -kind of film that also has its tongue firmly in cheek. Nevertheless, it has a borderline soap opera kind of plot. The film concerns a rich family's small daughter getting kidnapped by a SWAT team in a helicopter. As the parents can't go to the cops, Lillian (Kathy Shower) makes a shocking revealation to her husband Howard (Police Academy's Tackleberry, David Graf): he's not the father of the girl, it could either be his violent ex-husband David (Evan Lurie) or the girl be a result of a casual fling with a local playboy Mike Clark (Dale Cook). Luckily, both of them are cops, martial artists and men of action. Not so luckily, they despise each other and the situation they are put in.
The film's actors are hilarious to watch as Cook can barely act and just stumbles around stupidly, and Lurie is so off-puttingly aggressive it's impossible to feel any sympathy for either of them. But then, they get into bar fights, shootouts, prison riots and even an underground fighting ring around every corner. As a travel commercial for the Philippines, it really doesn't work. But as far as B-grade action movies go, this one is a keeper.
Three laughs (SPOILERS):
1. As we're somewhat copying the buddy cop -format from movies like Lethal Weapon, one thing the film needs is a Joe Pesci -like comic relief. Or rather, not. When the main characters first meet they immediately hate each other, and start to fight at a McDonald's parking lot. Maxin Ross, a local club owner, plays a weaselly guy that has an objection since the beat-down is happening on the hood of his car. He runs his mouth a bit, but is mercifully kicked in the head soon enough.
2. The main characters bickering to the point of fisticuffs is a running gag throughout the film. My favorite scene comes when, just as another of their fights is about to start, they suddenly duck out from a drive-by shooting. As Lurie thanks Cook for saving of his life, Cook smugly retorts there's no debt since they saved each other. But Lurie just takes this as a realization nothing is stopping him from sucker-punching his partner to the face. As Cook falls, he also hits his head to a steel door behing him. But then we immediately cut to the next scene where he's walking around as if nothing happened. This is basically a Tom & Jerry cartoon with real actors.
3. It turns out that our dynamic duo has a secret ally infitrated in the criminal leagues, a guy who's a dead ringer to the director Peter Jackson in a beret. He makes his infiltration in a memorable way. As everyone is distracted by watching the captured heroes fight each other to the death, he goes to put two cockroaches from a jar to a guard's leg. As the roaches run up his trouser leg, the guerd is distracted for a moment and then klonked in the head. Smooth.
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really
good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might
be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most
"quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It
certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he
knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean
proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to
you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any
film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.
★ or ★★★★★
Three laughs case file #30: Ninja III: The Domination
(USA, 1984)
Director: Sam Firstenberg
It's kind of odd that I've not yet featured any Cannon Group films in this column. Perhaps I've gone on even cheaper thrills than the relatively cheap but still Hollywood productions of the company started by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. The main idea of Cannon was to populistically grab onto any trend that might attract customers of the 1980's film landscape. Enter the Ninja.
As the world started to open up in the 80s, ninjas were some of the exotic thrills provided by foreign countries that managed to work wonders within the action movies. They made for good enemies for any action hero, but there was a sense of mysticism and magic in them that they could also carry entire movies as protagonists. Shô Kosugi was one of these crossover stars that first started as a villain yet grew into a surprisingly popular leading man.
As Cannon's Ninja trilogy goes, I've covered the Franco Nero -starring first part here before. While I might prefer the second one, Revenge of the Ninja, it is a close call and there's a lot more cult movie vibe in the third one, titled The Domination. For as Golan and Globus wanted to capture trends, it is not just a ninja picture, but rips off other popular films of the time, such as Poltergeist and Flashdance.
Yes, the story is of a female aerobics instructor that gets possessed by the spirit of a vengeful ninja, and must strike to kill at nights. She needs the help of Kosugi's wise old ninja master in order to defeat the evil. The film could have been a star-making turn for Lucinda Dickey, and the idea of a female lead in a ninja action movie is kind of progressive. It's too bad she can't be a fighter by her own right but has to be possessed in order to be able to take men on. The way to go about it is nothing short of crazy, so we might gawp and gather the highlights into a text such as this.
Three laughs (SPOILERS):
1. The movie has one of my favorite opening action scenes of any action movie ever. It's the best action scene of the movie, so it's a bit of a letdown that the rest of the movie can't hold up to that one. After a short intro of a man visiting an ominous ancient temple, a black ninja (David Chung) appears on a golf course to an entourage of polo-shirted white guys. He enrages them by squeezing golf balls into powder. He proceeds to hack and slash them to death which starts out a non-stop 10 minutes of pure action I won't go beat-by-beat here. Suffice to say the ninja lifts a running golf cart and stops such a hard hit from a golf club with his hand, the bar bends around it.
2. Soon after rich guys are offed, the action moves to cops pursuing the ninja. He lifts a ride from a helicopter and kills the cops within it, making the helicopter explode. Just as you think the scene is over as the ninja is hiding in a pond, breathing through a reed, he gets discovered and blows some poison darts to a cop through the reed and starts killing cops once again. Talk about making bacon on a beach.
3. I have to talk about the other side of the film, which sees Dickey's character be escorted by a cop (Jordan Bennett) since she is eyewitness of the Black Ninja's crimes. She ends up seducing him in an amazingly 80's apartement with arcade cabinets, neon lights and Duran Duran albums. Like a scene from The Naked Gun, she takes a can of tomato juice out of somewhere and pours some on her neck. Is this bizarre idea supposed to be sensual?
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really
good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might
be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most
"quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It
certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he
knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean
proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to
you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any
film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.
Three laughs case file #25: Crazy World (Ani Mulalu? - Crazy World), Uganda 2019
Director: Nabwana I.G.G.
Times are tough and what the world needs now is some mirth and laughter. A gathering of the world's most prestigious film festivals are currently having a streaming festival called We Are One. Most of the festival's programme doesn't exactly capture my fancy, execpt when I noticed that Toronto International Film Festival has presented us a new "supa action" movie straight outta Wakaliwood, Uganda. It was Crazy World Time!
Now, one might need a bit of background of these films. In the poor village of Wakali a group of local filmmakers have taken it to themselves to create movies with what they have. Thus these movies put on screen every villager from small kids to elders, and have some very creative solutions in terms of technics. They never take themselves too seriously, as every movie also includes a VJ, a video joker, making fun of characters and scenes as a running commentary. That's also how one doesn't feel like laughing at people living in the 3rd world, but rather, sharing a joke with some people from a totally different background. It's no wonder Wakaliwood has found fans all over the world.
I'd also like to add that the films keep also getting more inventive and have some clever in-joking as well. The 4th wall is blown up in gags so inspiring, they remind me of the ending of Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles. The first worldwide sensation was Who Killed Captain Alex?, then came Bad Black and now Crazy World. Each of these movies also touches upon more serious aspects of life in Uganda, including militarization, organized crime and kidnappings. But these ideas are more made fun of and thus also laughed at the poor image Uganda may have in western eyes. It's not hard to fall in love with Wakali with its sense of community and love for filmmaking after viewing these.
Three laughs (SPOILERS)
1. The star of this film is Isaac Newton Kizito, as noted by the VJ, the son of the director. Together with some other small kids they form Wakas Stars United! In the film's plot, they are kidnapped children plotting for their escape from the Tiger Mafia. But this plot is only needed to showcase the kids throwing kung fu kids at gun-toting adults. It is clear they are having the time of their lives.
2. There's an anti-piracy PSA in the middle of the movie. In a radar they notice that someone somewhere is pirating the film, and thus they send out the robotic Piracy Hunter to capture them. After some bloody inserts of Piracy Hunter getting rid of fans out in Canada and Paris, it turns out that the culprit is actually the film's director himself, showing his creation to his family. Piracy Hunter doesn't feel any remorse, though.
3. In one scene a gangster discovers that the big wad of money is only colored from the other side. The VJ gives a memorable one-liner to this: "See kids, adults, too, can be stupid."
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really
good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might
be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most
"quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It
certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he
knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean
proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to
you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any
film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.
Three laughs case file #24:
The Devil’s Sword (Golok Setan) Indonesia, 1984
Director: Ratno Timoer
It is a particular pleasure of seeing genre films from far-off countries, since they often innovate and blend western action movie basics with more exotic sensibilities. Though it utilizes some Indonesian folklore, The Devil's Swordis actually a comic book adaptation. But one does not have to read some obscure Indonesian comics or need to know anything of the island nation's complex history to enjoy the movie. It is gleefully violent, logically dim, constantly surprising and often totally bonkers.
If Indonesian movies would have a big film star, then Barry Prima would be it, known from this and another film called The Warrior. Basically, he is Liu Kang from the Mortal Kombat games, a guy who sort of looks and acts like Bruce Lee, but has a bandana, and has been enhanced with some outlandish magic abilities. Here he plays Mandala, a mythical warrior that has to avenge the death of his master to the evil powers allied with the sinister Crocodile Queen.
At the same time his rival, the rogue Banyuaga (Advent Bangun) is after the legendary Devil's Sword that would give unmitigated power to its wielder. He is after the power for himself, but is seduced by the Crocodile Queen and thrown to do her bidding. The film's cast of character and basic structure seems to be a bit indebted to Star Wars, or perhaps it is just that it also follows Joseph Campbell's basic formulas. Nevertheless, there are plenty of amusing side characters to be met along the way.
Three laughs (SPOILERS):
1. Even the first major fight is a corker, where Banyuaga and his men distrupt a wedding to kidnap the fiancee of a local prince. Mandala happens upon the fight, arrives on a flying boulder and starts kicking ass. He is not above hitting people's heads off, or punching them so hard they float off to treetops, after which they are impaled by a spear. Crocodile Men pop out of the ground and Mandala is not at all miffed, quipping "Oh, Crocodile Men". The fight choreography here is surprisingly inventive, with a scene with a wooden table proving to be particularly noteworthy.
2. We're introduced to the Crocodile Queen when we see her select a mate for herself. She has hypnotic gestures that make shirtless young men stand up as she slithers around them. When she takes her pick, it enrages one would-be suitor, that attacks Banyuaga. But the attacker is defeated with a quick punch and thrown to a cage where apparently the Crocodile Cult keeps their prisoners in hunger. The poor guy is soon ripped into pieces. Banyuaga's reward is sex on a circulating bed in a giant chalice of fire.
3. It is not quite clear, if the crocodile cultists are supposed to be half-crocodile mutants or just people with elaborate croc costumes on. Nevertheless, the film's showstopper is Mandala's fight on the raft with crocodile men rising from the river. Dudes have to swim in theircostumes to get a shot at Mandala, who swings his big-ass sword and decapitates them all. He is also shown to have some magic powers as he shoots friggin' laser beams from his hands. Toastyyyy.
It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good
entertainment in spite of themselves, and it is an even better pleasure
to find some trash that keeps surprising you than watching most quality
films. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if
it
gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you
can't believe what the film is showing to you. That's as good a rating
as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a
special place in
my heart.
The Battle Wizard (Tian long ba bu, 1977)
Director: Pao Hsueh-li
Last time in this series I somewhat insensitively picked an Italian movie even though it was Chinese New Year. So, now I'm here writing about a film from Hong Kong. I have written on Shaw Brothers films years ago on this blog, but I have to confess, I haven't really ventured that far further into the Rabbit hole of crazy kung fu films.
That's a real shame, since The Oily Maniac is far from the only batshit insane movie to be seen there. Case in point is the fantasy epic Battle Wizard. It's a wuxia epic with magic powers, frickin' lasers and all sorts of strange and wonderful ideas. The main plot concerns a vengeful wizard named Yellow Robe Man (Shih Chung-Tien) avenging his loss of legs by kidnapping a prince's son Duan Yu (Danny Lee). On the way to freedom, the main hero learns kung fu by drinking the blood of a giant snake and falls in love with a kunoichi (female ninja) who has to marry the first man who sees her face. So we're in for a rollicking good time.
Three laughs (SPOILERS):
1. After being surprised in bed with his wife, the first fight starts between Yellow Robe Man and the film's black magic -wielding original Fresh Prince (Wai Wang). The future Emperor finishes fast by pointing his finger and shooting lasers out of it. In fact, he shoots Yellow Robe Man's legs clean off. This gives the first hint that we are not witnessing a run-off-the-mill kung fu epic here.
2. The film has really ridiculous weaponry. The kunoichi like to use a plastic bone that shoots red darts. The head henchman has a single crab-like claw for a hand that also comes unattached with a rope hanging out. But my out-of-nowhere favorite weapon is a box that has a radioactive frog inside. The frog leaps to an enemy's neck and is so toxic that the enemy dies in an instant.
3. Any movie is instantly better once there is a gorilla or other kind of large ape. One of the final obstacles our hero has to go through is a kung fu gorilla. That has got to be the worst Halloween gorilla suit I've ever seen in a movie. Meanwhile, Yellow Robe Man has some extended stilts with which to fight the Emperor. The gorilla is strong enough to crush stone pillars for some reason, but our hero can defeat it by eating a magic frog and by combining snake and frog powers, give out a strong enough laser to first stun the gorilla and then tear it limb from limb. WAI WANG WINS. FATALITY.
Hey ladies! Happy International Women's Day! As it is, cinema is still more or less a boy's club in many parts of the world and both women filmmakers and films about women are still at a minority. This, of course varies from culture to culture. One of the healthiest female images in films comes from Asia, in particular the liberal (compared to mainland China) Hongkong. The Hongkong film industry has raised plenty of strong female role models, both feminine in nature and powerful, independent individuals. The biggest female movie stars include Anita Mui, Zhang Ziyi and Maggie Chung. But the biggest, best of them is Michelle Yeoh, the action goddess. But are her films actually so feminine as they appear on first glance? I take a look at her three early-90s action films to make sure.
Wing Chun (1994)
Director: Yuen Woo-ping
Yim Wing Chun is a mythical figure from China's history, a developer of the wing chun school of kung fu. So who better to tell the story of how young Wing saved her village from bandits and got married than Michelle Yeoh at her kick-assiest and the legendary fight choreographer Yuen Woo-ping.
This poster from Ghana doesn't quite do justice to Yeoh's looks
Wing Chun is a respected woman in a remote small village due to her fighting skills. Yet the male-centric society annoys her since she is supposed to get married and settle down when she would rather help her father work. Thus, she tends to dress as a man to work in the mill without being pestled. When bandits attempt to raid her village, Wing Chun single-handedly defeats them and drives them back to their master.
She also takes it upon herself to protect a woman she saved from the bandits, Charmy (Catherine Hung Yan). Charmy starts to work at Wing's mill and bakery. Due to her beauty, Charmy has plenty of suitors attempting to woo her. But after a fight for her honor, one beaten suitor also sets his eyes on Wing herself. Meanwhile, the leader of the bandits, Leung Pok To (Donnie Yen) plans to arrive to conquer the village himself and beat Wing in the process.
Like wu xia films tend to be, Wing Chun is a blend of romantic melodrama, fast-paced fight scenes, crude farce humor and a few historical, political points thrown to the mix. While Wing is a strong, independent woman that defies the society's expectations, the film does have its share of crude sexual innuendo as well. Charmy is a typical damsel-in-distress, and the dumb men of the village like nothing more but to ogle at her. The film has some homosexual tension between the tomboy and the girly girl, particularly since Wing dressed as a man is mistaken as Charmy's lover. Their friendship seems to be a bit intimate for them to fondle each others head and shoulders so.
"I'll show those chauvinist men by pulling this phallic object!"
The fights are of course beautiful, detailed and kinetic, and they utilize plenty of phallic objects such as a spear penetrating a wall. A scene featuring a crop grinder has the most sexual imagery. The dumb Chinese farce humor isn't something I'm incredibly fond of, but the things are kept relatively low-key here, so one can concentrate on the fight scenes and how lovely Michelle Yeoh is.
★★★
Once A Cop (Chao ji ji hua, 1992)
Director: Stanley Tong
This spin-off film from Jackie Chan's Supercop series is a bit more serious business than we've used to seeing. But Michelle Yeoh, returning as Jessica Yang, takes the confident lead and proves to be more than a match for euro-trash gangsters and Chinese terrorist groups. The action is kick-ass and plentiful, but the film is perhaps a bit too long.
Jessica is sent to Hong Kong as an observer with a crack unit of the police attempting to take down an international terrorist cell. Hongkongese criminals are working together with a French terrorist (Alain Guernier) to pull off a major heist in the City Bank. Since her fellow officers are weak and unorganized, Yang soon forgets her role, taking a more active stance against the ruthless criminals. She also becomes involved with detective David Chang (Rongguang Yu), bent on capturing the terrorists. But it soon turns out he has a vendetta against the group since they killed his brother. What follows is a crash course between Yang Love and Chang Vengefulness.
Yeoh is at career-best form here. In the beginning she's seen in masculine military uniforms, seeming quite butch. But once she falls for Chang she starts to mellow out and become more feminine. That doesn't stop her high-kicking terrorists, even if the boys mostly do the shooting. One interesting scene shows her grab Chang's Playboy magazine and start to read with interest. The blurry lines of Yeoh's sexuality are here again, but she'll get turned. It's sad to have such paper-thin innuendo over a character that could be used so much better.
Once again, the Achilles' heel of the film is the comedy. I like the slapstick and all, but can't stand the funny faces, farce, and in the gravest crime of all, men dressed up as women. Jackie Chan also does an embarrassing cameo in drag.
★★★
The Heroic Trio (Tong fong sam hop, 1992)
Directors: Johnny To, Ching Siu-Tung
The most unique of the three films on display here is a blend of Chinese folklore, science fiction, crime thriller and even a comic-book superhero movie. For it's a tale of three strong women who happen to have superpowers. They have the same powers as the three most famous female superheroes. Tung (Anita Mui) is The Wonder Woman, a strong, righteous and noble warrior, but with a secret identity. Chat (Maggie Chung) is Catwoman, the super-slick burglar and thief who also has incredible fight skills and can get out of tight spots. And Ching (Michelle Yeoh) is The Invisible Woman, who initially serves the evil warlock (Yen Shi-Kwan).
Bad girls get to have all the fun. Try converting her now!
The three super-heroines use their skills and powers in a very different ways. Wonder Woman attempts to stop the other two and their schemes at first, which makes the three fight each other for most of the running time. But in the end they realize that the Warlock's rising power threatends them all, and the three unite for a super team-up. The men, represented mostly by the police (Damian Lau and Paul Chun) are left to the sidelines. Their incompetence in solving baby-snatching crimes is what springs Wonder Woman into action in the first place. Their place later on is mostly to root for the good guys and to clean up after the bigger scrapes.
Presumably also to patch up her suit later on as well.
The film is thoroughly postmodern which is reflected in how the rise of the new age and the female superstars in the end defeats traditional magic in the story. The tight body-suits, blue lightning and innovative camera movements reflect comic books and anime series in a way that was copied numerous times to films ranging from Irma Vep to The Matrix to Underworld. The effects here are quite good, utilizing wires and practical effects rather than dull computer tricks its carbon copies later would do.
Maggie has nothing but contempt for Underworld, as anyone should.
The main problem with the film is that the goody-goody Mui is a bit bland while the badder girls are hotter and clearly have more fun. In the time where Hongkong was starting to drift back to mainland China, the story of building unity through a common history also rang true. It's not at all a deep film in any way, but it's quirky and fun and inventive and the three leads are as charismatic as ever. And they beat up an androgynous bastard. How's that for female empowerment!
Won't the real Bruce Lee please stand up, please stand up?
This is my 150. blog post and The Last Movieblog recently broke 80,000 pageviews. So I think it's time to do a reader request. While I'm by far not an expert on the subject, I love the old Bruceploitation kung fu movies. You know, the ones made after the death of the real Bruce Lee to cash in on his fame. The exploitation producers worked this out by hiring lookalike kung fu stars.
James Ho Chung-Tao became Bruce Li, Huang Kin-Lung became Bruce Le and the Korean Guh Ryong became Dragon Lee. In addition there were actors such as Bruce Lea, Bruce Lei, and Bruce Leung. Fun fact about Bruce Le: he was imprisoned in China for fraud. Whether
it was about imitating a kung fu movie legend without a license, the
story doesn't tell.
Some of these films rank among the cheesiest and unintentionally
funniest things I've ever seen. Yet usually they follow a pretty
straight formula. As it happens, the films I've seen don't really rob Bruce's grave, in that neither the titles nor the actions on screen refer to Lee and his legacy. Rather, they are just cheesy cheap kung fu movies which happen to have a guy that sort of looks like Bruce Lee as their lead.
Golden Dragon Silver Snake a.k.a. Dragoneer the Indomitable (Ilso Ingwon, Hong Kong/South Korea 1979)
Directors: Godfrey Ho, Kim Si-Hyun
It's good to start with a film that pretty much presents your basic bad kung fu movie. It's story is the age-old, time-tested fable of a stranger coming to a town plagued by violent robbers, and setting things straight and bringing order – with his fists! Pure western mythos, this time in the East. Also, to save expenses the film also has several scenes attached that don't make much sense. They are simply leftover outtakes from another movie. Co-director Godfrey Ho in particular mastered this cheapest of movie arts.
This stars Dragon Lee as an eager young man who is bad at his work at a restaurant and berated for it. But then he begins to learn kung fu from a lowly rickshaw driver. When his home village is raided by bandits, and his brother killed, he wants to fight back on the invaders. His efforts don't go unnoticed in other villagers who start to raise a rebellion themselves.
As is often the case in cheesy martial arts movies, it's very hard to determine, which place in time is this supposed to take place. Mostly everything looks almost medieval, yet there are radios, watches and such in this movie, perhaps unintentionally. But the most fun to be had with this is towards the end when a dropping giant wicker basket traps Dragon underneath that. He punches first trough left and right and then kicks himself free by blowing off the front. One would've imagined there was an easier way to get away from under a basket.
In the movie, people disappear and appear randomly at different places, sometimes to do battle on top of a mountain. The dubbing is absolutely hilarious, as you can see from the above clip. There's also lots of goofy Hong Kong humour, where people are hit with frying pans, eggs and such are used as weapons. The film speeds up at times to have a Benny Hill-like emphasis on the comedy as well.
But all in all, it's sort of enjoyable, even though very generic. The fights are coreographed quite well and Dragon Lee seems to be in that corner of Bruce clones that actually knows some stunts and moves. Not even a fraction like his predecessor and the master of martial arts cinema Lee, but something nevertheless.
★★★
Return of the Tiger (Da juan tao, Taiwan 1979)
Director: Jimmy Shaw
If not village-raiding bandits, Bruce Lee clones are battling organized crime and drug trafficers, as in this Bruce Li vehicle. Or rather, Li's Chang Wong gets caught in the middle of a gang war between the Triads and Bud Spencer-lookalike drug kingpin George Cross (Paul L. Smith).
Cross owns both the martial arts gym Chang Wong visits, as well as a nightclub that dares play the biggest disco hits of the era without paying any copyright fees. Chang is asked to assassinate the man, but Chang Wong won't agree due to the price being too low (!). A double cross or two later sees Chang fighting side by side with Cross, before the antagonistic pair finishes each other off.
It's not much of a spoiler to tell he dies – but how! (Hilariously)
Yes, the bad guy IS the same guy who played the hilariously suspectful janitor in Pieces, Paul L. Smith. But those that like more mainstream stuff may also recognize him as the torturer in Midnight Express, Bluto from Robert Altman's Popeye, or The Archduke from Maverick. Actually I was quite surprised the guy turned out to have such a long list of merits. He's a huge, burly guy, but his fighting is nothing short of ludicrous.
Smith throws chinese people around like they're bean bags, and his punches miss the target's face by a mile. Li's fighting isn't much better and his wire stunts are so unbelievable that they raise a good chuckle or two during the movie. At least one fight against thugs on motorcycles is actually good. The film also has a kick ass woman martial artist, Angela Mao, who is utilized way too little during the movie, even though she opens it by showing the boys how to fight.
All in all, the film feels a bit like a wasted opportunity, although it has okayish fighting, disco music, some outrageous clothing, outlandish stunts and general stupidity. Or maybe it is just that these need to be watched with friends and beer.
★★ 1/2
Challenge of the Tiger (Philippines / Hong Kong / Italy 1980)
Director: Bruce Le
Another kind of film Bruceploitation films loved to emulate was the James Bond espionage adventures. They were the most popular movies in the world at the time, and Bruce Lee himself had finished his career with a corking pseudo-Bond kung fu flick, Enter the Dragon. The problem, of course was, that the producers could afford just one exotic location where to shoot, no guns or gadgets or suits, and often not even a that charismatic lead actor. But what is cheap and works good in exploitation, is boobs-presenting young girls and Chinese henchmen to take kicks to their faces, so this Dick Randall-produced film is swarming with both of them.
A science-professor creates a substance that can kill human sperm totally and thus sterilize people, but he and his assistant are immediately murdered after. Since it seems that terrorists have their hands on the formula, intelligence officers send in two of their best men: Kung fu expert Huang Lung (Bruce Le) and his sidekick, the millionaire playboy Richard Cann (Richard Harrison), who lives in a mansion occupied solely by topless women.
The bumbling agents do not achieve much in the way of finding the missing formula. Cann goes on fooling around with women, whereas Huang tries to cock-block him whenever possible, and now and then fights some attacking thugs. In fact, since there's a scene on a beach where Le's erect penis bulges in his swimming suit while watching Cann's antics, perhaps he's much more into his "side-kick" Richard than he lets on.
He likes 'em hairy.
Besides the racy sex scenes the most memorable part of the film is the scene where Le fights thugs at a bull-fighting arena, after which the bad guys release the toro on him. As the bull throws Le around it hilariously switches between a doll (close to Le) and a live animal (far away from Le).
Based on my experience, I'd deam Le to be the worst Bruce clone. He's a horrible fighter, actor, uncharismatic and a bad director to boot. This is as sleazy as this sort of films come and borders on softcore pornography. So it's not a total waste of time, and has it's funny scenes too.
★★ 1/2
Iron Dragon Strikes Back a.k.a. The Gold Connection (Hui feng hao huang jin da feng bao, Hong Kong 1979)
Director: Kuei Chih-Hung
One of Bruce Li's last movies (before retirement), this kung fu thriller already show the "star" getting tired of imitating his hero. The stunts and the fights are inexplicably bad. But since the oddball script is also totally insane, and the director a hapless talent-free copy machine, the end result is something unforgettable.
Bruce and his friends are friendly fishermen. One day they happen to fish out a mysterious casket from the Hong Kong harbour. Inside are gold bricks, worth millions. Bruce's poor friends are overwhelmed with joy, but the stoic Bruce himself rightfully concerned that this find will come for them. Indeed, the gold has belonged to the Triads, and once they find out who has been spending their hard-earned drug money, they send the most lethal assassin they have to off Bruce's friends one by one and ending with the kung fu practitioner himself.
Bruce's fights in this are very poorly choreographed, and huge sound effects try to hide the fact that he's doing his kicks veeerrry slow, and still doesn't go anywhere near his opponent's face. Li could surely do them better, but never funnier. His friends are a gang of total morons who have no concept of taking things coolly. Since the director didn't have the money to get girls to show their boobs in this film, much time is lingered on a Playboy centrefold one character eagerly ogles. This is the cheapest sexploitation can get.
The violence of the Triads is sadistic and brutal, yet the viewer can't work up much sympathy as one dumb-ass supporting character after another gets slaughtered. Much of the film is built around the mystery of who could the assassin be. Kuei spits in the face of audience expectations of making a big number of an incredibly mundane background character being the killer in reality.
That reveal brings itself the biggest belly-laugh scenes exploitation cinema has ever seen, since the end fight between Bruce and the assassin ends in a memorably overwhelming final blow, and directly afterwards comes a hilariously bittersweet gut-punch, and ends the film. It seems that the whole ordeal was supposed to be a tragedy in the vein of Fists of Fury which show that ass-kicking ways will only get one so far when dealing with totally ruthless organizations. But this message comes far behind the tears-run-across-face laughing watching this film causes in an audience. I love this thing to bits!
Not long ago, I was browsing for DVD's at my local megamarket, when I happened to see two young boys, about 10-year-olds looking at Die Hard blu-rays. They were totally awe-struck by the plot synopsis at the back of the disc, which promised "one man against a whole skyscraper full of terrorists". The best action films of the 80's will endure for many generations to come, it seems. And for us older fans, the nostalgia trip back to the Golden Age of muscle-films is also upon us. The Expendables are back with a new film, so what better time to look at some of the best work the film's ensemble cast did back in the day? Arnold Schwarzenegger is out of this post because I have a whole series devoted to his films, which I really should continue one of these days.
I seriously think this should be the official theme song of the movie.
Stallone: First Blood (1982)
Director: Ted Kotcheff
The Vietnam veteran John Rambo (Stallone) arrives to a small American town of Hope, Washington to say hi to an old war buddy. He hears his friend is dead due to cancer caused by inhaling Agent Orange back in the day. The saddened Rambo goes to get a bite to eat, but is stopped by the local sheriff, Teasle (Brian Dennehy). The sheriff doesn't like shaggy, long-haired veterans with five 'o clock shadows in his town. So Rambo is arrested for no reson and tried to shave. But seeing a razor blade gives Rambo a fit and he quickly attacks the entire police precinct and escapes into the woods. A battle of wills and wits begins, as the police start a campaign to catch him.
Would you allow this man to walk around freely at your peaceful town?
Stallone became a major star with Rocky films, and subsequently his adaptation of David Morell's novel was modified a bit to fit his star status. So in the movie, Rambo really doesn't kill anyone, just wounds. The two deaths of the film are more or less accidents, caused by the police's obsession to get Rambo (three deaths, if the officer Rambo throws out of a window didn't make it). Most notably, Rambo doesn't kill himself in the end, which undermines the tragic story of how Vietnam ruined a man's life. Indeed, Rambo's sequels also lessen the impact of the story of a man trying to struggle with his violent past. Since Rambo finds his will to live, he also finds his will to kill. And while the USA hasn't much use for the perfect killing machine home, they can always ship him abroad. All in all, First Blood's either too serious or not serious enough. If the lead role had been given to a real actor, or the director had a better vision, First Blood would be a classic. Now, it's more or less just the prequel, a curiosity piece to the much more Reaganist, in-your-face, violent, Rambo: First Blood Part II.
★★★
Statham: Crank: High Voltage (2009)
Directors: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Jason Statham is kind of an interesting case in The Expendables' casting, in that he still has an action career that doesn't just rely on repeating his past glories. He's sort of the last real action hero still standing (since John Cena has made far too few movies these past years). Given that, his most popular films, The Transporters and especially the Cranks, kind of rely on the action movie tradition to make even the slightest bit of sense. Like the name implies, Cranks parody action movie tropes by cranking everything up to 11; the speed, the violence, the boyish humor, the sexist view about women, the racism, and the ridiculousness. But even though the first one did this pretty perfectly, the problem and the foil of the sequel is that it has to be bigger and even more ridiculous. It becomes painfully obvious that even the makers don't take any of this seriously. While this sense was very thin in the first one, it was still there.
Crank 2 has a massage to the audiences.
Chev Chelios (Statham) was dropped from an exploding helicopter about a mile into the ground in the end of the first Crank. But since he's more or less indestructible, he of course survived. But the Chinese Triads still have a bone to pick with him so they steal the unconscious Chelios and steal his heart. For some reason they also replace it with a contraption that constantly needs electric shocks to operate. So this allows Chelios to go on a rampage to catch the culprits and exact his revenge. Along the way he must also get his girlfriend (Amy Smart) back, since during the hours he has been declared dead, she has taken on a career of stripping and forgotten all about him.
So director-writers Neveldine and Taylor indulge in every dumb idea they ever had. So the film features, for example, a 16-bit video game segment, a fight where Chelios and his opponent grow into giant Kaiju monsters (as blokes in suits, of course), and a cheesy talk show segment that deepens Chelios' character a bit. Such an attempt on a character that's essentially a cartoon is a bit pointless, but at least he isn't too thoroughly explained. We already know what makes him tick; shocks, murders, strippers, running around, fucking around (figuratively), and fucking around (literally). The sheer outrageousness of it all does cause a good laugh or two on the first viewing, but there's little reason to watch this again, since the shock value disappears so quickly. But it is an admirably crazy movie, and Statham is an admirably crazy movie star.
★★★
Li: The Legend (Fong Sai-Yuk, Hong Kong 1993)
Director: Corey Yuen
Jet Li should probably be on this list for his American action films, but I thought c'mon, I just reviewed Kiss of the Dragon, I'm not watching Romeo Must Die or anything for this post. For me, Li is the perennial wuxia character due to numerous 90's roles in Chinese martial arts movies, whether from Hong Kong or mainland China. Fong Sai-Yuk is a poster child for such films, as it is about an ancient Chinese legend, and it features romance, comedy, and epic fighting. Not always evenly mixed, mind you.
Fong Sai-Yuk (Li) is a martial arts master in a small Chinese village, yet chooses to keep his talents hidden from the rest. He falls in love with Ting-ting (Michelle Reis), the daughter of the gangster Tiger Lui (Sung Young Chen), who's looking to gain influence across the region. Thus, Lui arranges a contest to give his daughter's hand to the most skilled fighter, who can defeat his wife Miu Chui-Fa (Joephine Sia). But there's foul play afoot, and Fong Sai-Yuk forfeits, and gives his mother Siu-Fa (Sibelle Hu) a chance to compete disguised as a man. This makes Miu fall in love with her. But while all this farce of mistaken identities goes on, there is a secret society plotting to overrule the Emperor. The government's agents are hot on pursuit to find the list of names in the socety. As Fong Sai-Yuk's father is a member, it is up to him to keep the list safe.
So, the plot is quite complex as they tend to be in wuxia epics. If the Chinese legends are not familiar, one must keep on one's toes to keep up. But the action scenes are beautifully realized and the coreography is a marvel. The rural setting while fighting over national issues, also works quite well. The whole cast is good, and Li actually is a bit sidelined since his character has little personality, besides nobility, ambitiousness and love for Ting-ting. But the plot does need an anchor to revolve, and Li does that role in similar movies very well. That's why he's also a good choice in ensemble action films in America, rather than a movie star that drives his own stories as well.
★★★ 1/2
Lundgren: Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991)
Director: Mark L. Lester
Lundgren's films are often panned, since they are usually cheap straight-to-video stuff. The huge Swedish bodybuilder worked great as a villain in Rocky IV and Universal Soldier, but less so as a hero in his own films. But it's not really Lundgren's fault, for he has the necessary physique and the same twinkle in his eye as Arnold in his best roles. Dolph just chose his roles poorly, and made some flops that ruined his career, such as Masters of the Universe. But for a view of the Lundgren that could have been comes this classic action spectacle from the director of Commando that's just as hilariously awesome and good.
For instance, it has Lundgren dressed like this. But shirtless most of the time.
Detective Chris Kenner (Lundgren) is raising his own private war against the Japanese mafia, the Yakuza. He is partnered with the young, wisecracking Asian-American cop Johnny Murata (Brandon Lee) who doesn't know much about Japanese culture, but can kick some mean ass (and is probably also interested in Kenner's ass). Particulary in Kenner's aim is the ruthless boss Funekei Yoshida (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), who gets off on murdering call girls. The friend of one of Yoshida's victims, Minako Okeya (Tia Carrere) comes to Kenner and Murata for protection. But the vengeful Yoshida has his bones to pick with the whole lot of them and thus sends his boys over.
A buddy movie, or something more?
The film has everything a man could want; shoot-outs, tits, and bizarrely violent scenes courtesy of Yoshida's over-the-top nastiness. His death scene is also one for the ages. The film's blatant homoeroticism comes through in a lot of the banter between Kenner and Murata. The most famous example being Murata's would-be last words complimenting the size of Kenner's penis. Carrere is a good beard, even though all her nude scenes are obviously done by a body double. Lester isn't afraid of anything, not even breaking the laws of physics time and time again. For example, Kenner can survive a speeding car coming towards him by jumping over the car. He also flips a car over to craete a shield/huge explosion that allows him to escape from a gang with machine guns. This film is lean, mean and outrageously enjoyable. With 75 minutes of running time, ther isn't anything close of being boring in here. It's a film to be enjoyed over and over again whenever one has the time.
★★★★
Norris: Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)
Director: Steve Carver
I might get a roundhouse kick in the face for this (I'd deserve it), but Chuck Norris is probably the worst action star on this list. The dude has no acting talents, no charisma, and what karate skills he may have had when he was young are rarely, if ever, presented in his later works. But he does have two settings, walk and kill. Also, Norris does love the Texas Rangers. This film features the first time he's played one, and his character here was later toned down for the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger. This is also one of the very few Chuck Norris films I've seen that's also kind of enjoyable to watch.
The opening also really tries to sell this as a modern western.
So "Lone Wolf" McQuade is the sort of Ranger that keeps peace with the use of his extended weaponry. The Mexican border doesn't leak any dirty Mexican drugs whenever McQuade is on the case. But his Lone Wolf abilities have estranged him from his ex-wife and daughter, even though he still loves both of them. At a carnival, McQuade sets his eyes on a new woman, Lola Richardson (Barbara Carrera). But she is also the object of affection to the rich plantation-owner Rawley Wilkes (David Carradine). And Wilkes also has some businesses that don't stand the light of day, so he orders a hit on McQuade. When the Ranger survives, he wages a war against the ruthless kingpin, and attempts to take him out before his loved one's lives are in jeopardy.
It's hard to think of Chuck Norris as an everyman, but that's the image the movie attempts to sell us. He lives in a dirty shack, where he practices his skills with a sawed-off shotgun in the background shooting gallery. In his refridgerator there's nothing but beer cans. Beer is actually a recurring motif in the movie. Richardson attempts to set McQuade straight by replacing his beers with vegetables, which drives him into anger. They have filthy, filthy make-up sex on the yard in a mud pit (seriously). Beer also saves McQuade's life later on, when he's buried alive. He regains consciousness and strength by pouring beer over his head (notice this, all you party people).
Chuck does get a chance to show his karate skills this time around, because he's battling David Carradine of all people. But the real beef of the movie is in the massive explosions, shootings and all-around weaponized carnage. Those scenes depicting it are so good, they make even the more boring scenes such as Chuck pining for his old family, somewhat tolerable.
★★★ 1/2
Van Damme: Kickboxer (1989)
Directors: Mark DiSalle, David Worth
Talking of karate masters that DO know their shit around. Van Damme is an actual martial artist and he will show off his remarkable skills (and splits) in any given movie. I actually didn't see too many Van Damme movies growing up (unlike most of these other guy's movies), so I've only discovered his body of work in my adulthood. But I've got to say, many of his movies hold up good even today.
And he also knows how to PARTY!
One of his best works, this early effort shows Van Damme in his element; fighting in an underground fight tournament. In the beginning his character Alex Sloane is more or less just an observer, trying to talk his brother Eric (Dennis Alexio) from taking part in this tournament. Of course, Eric refuses since he clearly has a death wish. Then he gets killed in the ring by the tough and ruthless Tong Po (Michel Qissi) with his brutal Muay Thai moves. To avenge his brother, Alex travels the world to meet a martial arts master Xian Chow (Dennis Chan) in a Thai jungle and to learn the secrets of Muay Thai. But the bad guys also take notice in his development and decide to stop him from ever completing his training.
This movie is almost like the archetypal martial arts movie. A personal tragedy to fuel the want of vengeance as a motivation, lots of training scenes and faux eastern wisdom, and of course a spectacular final fight with some of the sickest moves you've seen. But being stripped to it's bear essentials really works for this movie. Given his star-making turn in Bloodsport, the aw-shicks, naive character of Van Damme is surprisingly believable and without a hint of pretentiousness. He does gain confidence and cockiness during the course of this movie, but since his expressions more or less vanish due to his training kicking in, it's hard to tell. There's a lot of similar films to this one, but there's some sort of a soul or heart in this that's hard to replicate. Or maybe it is just the violent, brutal fights, I don't know.
★★★ 1/2
Willis: Die Hard (1988)
Director: John McTiernan
We end this article as a full circle, coming back to the ultimate action film. There's no denying that Die Hard changed the face of action cinema altogether. It began the crumbling of unstopplable muscle-men and began the era of the everyman hero. It's beutifully executed plot, that runs exact like clockwork, was also so effective that about every action movie before the Matrix imitated it in some effect. But what most other action movies didn't succeed in doing, was have a script as razor-sharp, a cast as perfect, and social critique of 80's yuppie-and-other-suitmen-owned LA as bitter.
"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs."
I'm sure most of humankind knows the story of Die Hard. Well, actually no, because the younger generation may be interested in the film without having an older brother/cousin/friend's older brother show the film on VHS/DVD/Blu-ray, so I might as well recap. The blue-collar working Joe, and down-to-earth kind of guy John McClane (Bruce Willis) arrives to Los Angeles for Christmas. He's meeting his estranged wife Holly and kids after a long while and is hoping to patch things up with them. But his Holiday plans change as he's visiting the Yukatani corporation's Christmas party, and the whole skyscraper is raided by European terrorists. McClane tries to alert the police, but soon finds out he's the only one he can trust in such a tricky situation. But luckily he's a real cowboy and ready for straightforward action. Without outside help, McClane must face off against a super-group of fiendishly clever, cruel mercenaries led by Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman).
AKA The Greatest villain of all Time
So like I've mentioned, McClane's enemy isn't really only the terrorists, but secondarily almost all of LA itself. From the media, to would-be yuppie negotiators, to the stiff police force authority figures, to dumb Vietnam-vet FBI agents, every one just makes the situation worse before it gets any better. The swarmy Euro-trash are ready for anything just to gain a few bucks, which might be a bitter parallel to the financial world of the time. They don't have any principles, but are willing to cheat they have some by ripping off articles from Time magazine. The by-the-numbers American authorities can't deal with that. The only kin McClane finds is another low-level police officer, Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson), who he contacts via a walkie talkie. But his most important ally is his wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), who somewhat drives the plot. Holly in particular is an interesting character since she is torn between the surface-level LA go-getting career missile life, and the role of a supportive and appreciated wife of a hotheaded, but loving husband. In the end, the final victory only comes when she lets go of an empty status symbol and give herself entirely into the other role.
Who wouldn't want to kiss this man?
But even though the film is open for such class-ponderings, at it's heart Die Hard is still a kickass action film with superb setpieces, on-the-edge-of-your-seat excitement, and endlessly quotable oneliners. Welcome to the party, pal!
