Three laughs: Cool as Ice

It is hard to rate some trashy films. Films can be really good entertainment in spite of the quality of the filmmaking. In fact, it might be even harder to create unique trash that keeps surprising you than most "quality" films with which you know what you are going to get. It certainly is an even better pleasure to watch them. My friend says that he knows a trash film is worth something if it gets three laughs out of me. I mean proper, good belly laughs when you just can't believe what the film is showing to you, scene after scene. That's as good a rating as any for these movies. Any film that has these three laughs has a special place in my heart.

 

Three laughs case file #21:

Cool As Ice (USA, 1991)

Director: David Kellogg

I am trying to explore more genres in this column. One I haven’t touched upon yet is the musical melodrama, a vanity project for an up-and-coming star to showcase his talents and perhaps show a few more the general audience never knew about. It becomes funny when the man at the center of attention is someone most people would prefer to just forget. Case in point: Vanilla Ice.

Since white people have tended to steal the best ideas from black music throughout the decades, once rap started to get mainstream, they tried to do the same for hip-hop. Vanilla Ice’s biggest talents are on his looks, but I do find some goofy charm of his totally producer-mandated music and today hilarious-looking clothing and dance moves as well. But would rather not listen to it for too much. Then, I’m in luck with this film as the scenes featuring Ice performing are very scarce. Most of his songs are background music, and with good cause. The film takes more inspiration from The Wild One and Rebel Without a Cause than most music pictures, though Purple Rain and some of Elvis’ films are obvious influences as well.

Vanilla Ice plays the club-dwelling and motorcycle-driving bad boy Johnny van Owen, who falls for a honor student (Kristin Minter). His family objects initially, as does her asshole boyfriend, but as Johnny tries to be good, they allow him to date their daughter. But the family dad’s mysterious past starts to catch up to them.

Three laughs (SPOILERS):

1. The film opens with a very 90’s dance song that’s being performed by supermodel Naomi Campbell. Sweaty, blue characters rave around. Vanilla Ice dances to the opening credits and would get all the ladies in the house, if not his crew who entice him to get on the road. They drive on all through the night until in the morning Ice sees a pretty girl riding a horse. So of course he jumps the fence with his motorcycle and startles the horse, which drops the girl. Nothing like first impressions, eh? We now know that Johnny is a show-off and a total wanker who should stay a safe distance from any women. In general, the film's ideas of "romance" and wooing a lady are as misguided and borderline psychotic that they remind of The Room.

2. There’s a trope of a scene in rock ’n roll films of old where rockers come to play at some unexpected place in the country where no one has heard of the music. But they always manage to drive the kids wild. This film’s version sees Ice and his friend start a hip hop dance routine at a rural bar, but instead of getting everyone along, the gaped maws and shocked silence is more akin to the audience having just seen Springtime for Hitler. For a good reason, too. Ice’s performance must’ve been out of the times even back in 1991.

3. The entire movie has seen shadowy figures follow our main couple around. But once the threat materialized to the Nintendo-hooked little brother, it turns out that the thugs are bumbling gangsters in the vein of Home Alone. Nevertheless, the Mario-brained youngster is so inefficient in keeping away from them, he gets kidnapped easily. Macauley Culkin never had to put up with this shit.