The Arnold Project, part I: Arnold Strong, Mr. Universe!

 
Everyone's favorite action star, Arnold Schwarzenegger recently left his office as the governor of California. No one is quite sure of what he'll do next. Many would like him to return to films. I, however am not one of them. The biggest reason is to watch Arnold's films from the time just before he chose to quit. No, we have plenty of good Arnold moments from the past as well. I hereby start a new series here in this blog, in which I will watch every one of Arnold's feature films (some TV movies and documentaries may be too hard to find so they'll have to be excused). They run mostly according to a certain subject, each representing a phase in Arnold's career. At this first part we look at Arnold's first steps on the silver screen. It was a time in which he was mostly cast as a body builder. This sort of exploitation is understandable, as Arnold was Mr. Universe multiple times, and more known from that than from his films. Arnold wasn't yet a fully grown into his later bad-ass persona. Many films used him as just an extra. I'll take a look at them later on. Here, I look at his first starring roles.

Hercules in New York (1969)
Director: Arthur Allan Seidelman

I'll be helpful and put a link here to the only part in Hercules in New York worth watching. Hilarious, isn't it? But don't get fooled by this premise. The rest of the film is as much fun as sticking pins under your fingernails. I would especially warn everyone from watching the film while hungover. The Greek elevator music that goes in a seemingly never-ending loop in the background makes anyone feel nauseous and the horrible "comedy" this film offers won't help things one bit.



The ancient Greek god Zeus sends Hercules (Schwarzenegger using an alias of Arnold Strong) to modern New York, as he wishes to have adventures on Earth. After a few unfunny fish out of water scenes Hercules meets a little weasel called Pretzie (Arnold Stang) who starts posing as his friend. He then starts promoting Herc as an unbeatable wrestler. Hercules also has a romantic interest on Earth. Zeus starts to get irritated on Hercules' adventures and orders one by one different ancient Greek gods to bring him home. They all fail. That isn't the only thing that fails in the film.

Arnold himself has expressed regret in making this film. I find it a fitting link to the bodybuilders of yesteryears who often got to making cheap sword and sandal (or peplum) flicks in Italy or Spain. But Arnold would of course deserve better. As a 22-year-old his accent was so incomprihensible that all his lines were redubbed by another actor for the film.

★



Hercules: Ha, ha, ha. You have strucked Hercules.

Stay Hungry (1976)
Director: Bob Rafaelson

Stay Hungry boasts of "introducing" Arnold Schwarzenegger, and won a Golden Globe for that to boot. In theory this is true, as Arnold did use a fake name in Hercules in New York. Most would want to forget that movie anyway. This is at least the first time Arnold's real voice is heard on screen, and his accent is still really thick. Although sadly Stay Hungry isn't much better, it is at least more entertaining.

This film is a real mess as well, with a stupid and clichéd story told unnecessarily confusingly. Jeff Bridges plays a rich young wannabe businessman Craig Blake that helps a big corporation take over a city block, estate by estate. The only one left is the gym Olympic that boasts of being the one that Mr. Universe wannabe Joe Santo (guess who) trains in. True to his name, Santo likes to wear luchador masks while pumping iron, although everyone clearly knows who he is. Blake infiltrates the gym as a new customer and soon becomes friends with Santo. Things get even further complicated as he falls for the gym's receptionist Marie-Tate (Sally Field). The simple way of life of the gym users (which consists of partying) turns Blake's head and he realizes how rotten the yuppie way of life is. He still has to stop the evil grinders of the syndicate before they force the gym out of business.

It's weird to notice, that as Hercules in New York resembles Thor a little, this film's plot is basically the same one than in Avatar. That alone tells how original this film is. It is supposed to be a comedy yet all the laughs come at inappropriate places. The hillbilly hoedown scene where Arnold plays the fiddle and Bridges dances is worth the admission price alone. There are also other irrational scenes that seem to fit poorly with the rest of the film, yet are a miracle to behold. These include every one of the bodybuilders participating in the Mr. Universe competition running down the streets of Birmingham, the drug- and alcohol-filled masseus's date with a hooker that goes awry, Scatman Crothers losing his shit from Bridges and Filed's antics in an antique house, and of course the fight between Bridges and the bug-ugly gym owner, where they throw weights and poles at each other in a gym. Best to see it drunk, you won't understand anything if sober.

★ or ★★★★★

Joe Santo (on why he doesn't go on another date with a girl he likes): I don't like being too comfrotable. Once you get used to it, it's hard to give up. I'd rather stay hungry.

Pumping Iron (1977)
Director: George Butler, Robert Fiore

Pumping Iron is such a big cult classic that it must be included in every list featuring Arnold's movies even if one would wish to focus on fictional films. The documentary follows Schwarzenegger as well as some other notable bodybuilders on the route to becoming Mr. Universe. At this point in his career, Arnold had been awarded the titles of Mr. Olympia and Mr. Universe multiple times and seemed to be unbeatable in the game. Steel worker's son Lou Ferrigno seems like an underdog conventional movie plots would have would beat the champion. However, Arnold went on to become the biggest star in the world whereas Ferrigno later became TV's Incredible Hulk. That may give a hint how things work out in real life.

For any Arnold fan, Pumping Iron is an essential part in forming an image of the idol. Arnold seems mostly a good sport, but he does have a more mischievous side to him. He admits to give his competitors false advice and feels a bit cocky about his art of posing. Arnold compares body pumping and posing to sexual release and it seems like he really means it. The film ends in him announcing his retiring from bodybuilding contests. He probably sook to improve his film resumeé. He still was a long way from being a big star, as anoter documentary, The Comeback documents his return to the sport he masters.

Arnold Is Numero Uno!

★★★★

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I was always dreaming about very powerful people, dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered.

The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980)
Director: Dick Lowry

Make no mistake about it, The Jayne Mansfield Story is a clear TV movie. It looks cheap, it feels cheap and it acts cheap. In some circles, however, this is a real cult classic in bad filmmaking. I myself didn't find it interesting enough to worship, but I can see what tickles the funny ribs of some jokers in this.

In case you didn't know, Jayne Mansfield was Hollywood's biggest blonde bombshell, who took it upon herself to be bigger than Marilyn Monroe. She married (and later divorced) the body builder Mickey Hargitay. Her career took a big bump from the death of Marilyn that caused a decline in demand for blonde actresses in Hollywood. She resorted to being a Playboy model. She was killed in a car crash that decapitated her.

The movie itself starts with the car crash so it doesn't have anything interesting to build up to. Interestingly, after Pumping Iron it's the first fictional film that takes Arnold's role into the square centre of the film. He works as a narrator and you can probably guess how good it will work out. For one, he never even manages to pronounce his supposed wife's first name correctly, calling her "Chayne". Other than Arnold's ridiculous voiceovers, there's very little to like here. Mansfield (as portrayed by Loni Anderson) isn't really anyone you could relate to, and comes across the movie as a demanding and prissy little glamour princess. Hargitay, on the other hand, comes across as a dim-witted but well-meaning boy toy, doing sit ups by the swimming pool. And the movie doesn't really delve into Mansfield's other affairs or even the other marriages. The film is really way too clean cut, with hardly even references to drugs or sex, nevermind the depravities Mansfield sunk to careerless. On a better story this wouldn't be a problem, but really, the sinning is really the only thing worth any interest in the blonde actress. The death scene itself is a little moody but hopes for seeing a decapitated head are diminished both times the same sequence is shown.

★★

Mickey Hargitay: Ass Chayne always sayed apout her caweer...


Next Time on The Arnold Project: Arnold the Barbarian!

WENG WENG!

Some of the oddest exploitation films of all time have been made in the Philippines. The director Eddie Nicart made some of the most memorable of these. The success of the James Bond movies created a stream of exploitation spy movies all around the world. But none can really match Nicart's work with his biggest star, Weng Weng (born Ernesto de la Cruz, 1957).

I am not that interested in movie stars. Really, the only time a star should be interesting is when he (/she) is that damn good (which is not really that often) or when he (or she) has risen to stardom beating different obstacles. Thus, I'm fascinated with odd-looking lead actors. Even though they usually have bigger charisma than good-looking leads, none can really match the story of the world's shortest lead, Weng Weng. He was only 80 cm (2 ft. 9') tall, which makes him the world's shortest lead before the likes of Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffmann. But Weng Weng was also much more than that - he was a martial arist, a sneaky spy, a tough cowboy with few words, and a disco-dancing babe magnet.

Image from Bargain Bin Reviews.

Really, everything you need to know about Weng Weng is in the brilliant song by the Chuds above. But I'll go a little deeper with the three Weng Weng films I've managed to see (they are not all that easy to find).

For Y'ur Height Only (1981)

In the same year as 50-something Roger Moore tried to reboot his jokey James Bond with a bit more serious adventure (For Your Eyes Only), Nicart produced a spoof that borrows the same title to exaggerate everything cartoony the Bond series was known for. Yet Weng Weng's Agent 00 is not a one liner-spurning joke character. In fact, he might be the most merciless spy ever displayed in movies! The body count is much larger than you could imagine for a film like this.

The filipino crime organizations are having a hard time with Agent 00. He frequently destroys their operations and diposes of their men. But the mysterious leader of the organization, Mr. Giant, has a master plan - to kidnap the scientist Dr. Kohler who has been working on a new kind of a weapon. With the doctor's N-bomb, Giant could take over the entire world - unless 00 can stop him.

The plot itself has no real importance for the film. Nicart has merely spliced together various set-pieces and scenes where Agent 00 gets away from increasingly tricky situations. The downside of being so short is that villains can easily spot you just walking down the street. The upside is that their most vunerable body parts - the knees and the balls - are easily in your reach. 00 is highly trained in various martial arts. He gets to utilize a (short) katana sword at one point. But Weng Weng's most used asset is his markmanship skills. He never misses a shot, even if the gun is so big as to throw him a few feet back by gunshot impact. His most astonishing skill is to slide all over the floor and shoot the bad guys at the same time. That particular trick never gets old, and gets even funnier if you consider that there is probably an extra throwing Weng Weng every time such a shot is filmed.

The English dubbing in this (as well as in other Weng Weng films too) is pretty great too. In the documentary Machete Maidens Unleashed the translator even admitted of making up the dialogue as he went along. Thus we get such gems as the exposition the sinister Mr. Kaiser gives to his men:
"The forces of good are our sworn enemy, and I repeat, they must be exterminated. And I mean lethally!"

Or the exchange between Weng Weng and one of the 00-girls in the film:
"You're such a little guy, though. Very petite, like a potato."
"Ah, let's go."

Weng Weng is quite the ladies' man in his movies. He's a man of few words, but has cool disco-dancing skills. A running joke in Agent 00 films is that he constantly gets into a chase scene in a hotel and ends up in a room where a naked girl is sleeping. Weng Weng can't ever leave her alone without sneaking a small kiss, the cheeky devil. But as to why in a hotel, the whole film looks as if it had been shot in the biggest tourist traps in Manila. Considering how dangerous the other parts of the Philippines were at that time, it was probably a wise move.

Image by Badmovies.org

A big part in any classic spy film are the gadgets and Weng Weng has the best there are at his exposal. He utilizes a radio-controllable flying hat, X-ray specs that show people without clothing and a jetpack. At the final showdown with Mr. Giant, he does have to use his wits and fists. Yet on the same island seems to also be an almost endless supply of identical henchmen, 00 disposes with lethal accuracy. The slaughter goes on and on and on.

Needless to say, this is one of my favorite films of all time.

★★★★★

D' Wild Wild Weng (1982)

Seemingly a western, D' Wild Wild Weng sees Weng Weng's character Weng and his tall friend Gordon (Max Laurel) wander around the prairies, righting wrongs like the basic western archetypes they are. They arrive in a small village that has been taken over by a group of ruthless mexican bandits, who go on brutally conquering every village in their path. Weng falls for a village girl, but as she and her father get kidnappedby ninjas and has to be rescued.

The film's hilarity begins with the fact that it's impossible to pin down where or when exactly does the story take place. The clothing and the set-up seem to belong in a western, yet there are Asian villages built from bamboo, mexican bandits, medieval monks, samurai and ninjas all running around the place. At one point Weng Weng also gets a jeep and in the end, a machine gun. So it's basically a film that could've been written by a 6-year-old. And all the better for it.

Surprisingly, Weng isn't actually the most memorable character in the film. That honor goes to the comic sidekick Lupo the Mute (Max Alvarado). He has suffered a trauma of having his family killed and his own tongue cut off. Yet although he can't speak, he really isn't a mute. He constantly gives out yelps, howls and whining as a reaction to EVERY SINGLE DISCUSSION. As he makes hopeless gestures and stupid faces, at the same time we can clearly see his tongue in his mouth. Nicart focuses on this character so much so that it all becomes increasingly hilarious. Lupo is like Chewbacca as played by a guy without a costume. Yet he also gets a big musical number in the film.

Even though the film mostly treats Weng Weng like any movie superstar playing in a western, there are plenty of brilliantly braindead exploitation traits in here, too. For instance, to add to all the other lunacy going on, the indians in the prairies are actually pygmies. The tribe of midgets has war paint on their faces and feathers on their bandanas.

The film is also as brutal as FYHO, as dozens and dozens of identical bandits get slaughtered by Weng's gatling gun and the warring indians. The end scene has to be seen to be believed with all its explosions and whatnot. The whole film is one of the best films ever made to watch with friends while getting increasingly drunk.

★ or ★★★★★

The Impossible Kid (1982)

The final film in the Agent 00 trilogy (a film called Agent 00 (1981) was apparently the second according to IMDb) goes out with a whimper rather than a bang. There are brilliant scenes here and there, but Nicart has seriously toned down his luscious exploitation storytelling. Also, from the name onwards the film is profiled by the odd decision of treating Agent 00 like an infant here and there. This is most visible when he escapes from a 20-story hotel by using a bedsheet as a parachute. he falls into a pool where a obese man picks him up and starts cuddling him: "Aren't you a pretty boy!" Yet Weng Weng is no child and witnesses this by kissing naked women here and there and of course bagging the female lead in the end. However, this is all done very innocently, unlike in FYHO, where there were serious sexual undertones and Weng Weng even took off his shirt.

The film benefits of having a real Bond-like song instead of just ripping the real ones off by producing similar tunes. It's notable that the song calls Weng Weng by his actor name, not by his character name of Agent 00. The agency he works for is here identified as being Interpol, and its Manila branch. 00 is on pursuit of a notorious smuggler called Mr. X this time around. X, who takes his costume advices from the Ku Klux Klan, has a sinister pedant of holding the entire Philippines for ransom. With what isn't exactly clear as he doesn't actually have an N-bomb. Weng Weng goes around trying to find out the true identity of X. This search leads to some surreal scenes, like when very evil-seeming Don Simeon (Romy Diaz) throws a cobra at him and then claims he couldn't possibly be the villain.

So, the logic in the film isn't that much better than with the previous films, but the wonderfully mad set-pieces are all too rare. There's 00's jump across a huge gorge on his mini-motorcycle that would make Homer Simpson proud. Weng Weng also gets to show off his martial arts skills in a great gym fight scene where he takes out five big men and a woman with his slick kung fu style.

Image from 10kbullets.com.

But all in all, Weng isn't as merciless towards villains as he used to be anymore. There isn't that many kills, Weng preferring to arrest them according to protocol. But by the end he does blow up a boat holding a great number of bad guys.

★★★

Sadly, the end credits promise another Agent 00 adventure, License Expired, which was never made. Weng Weng died in 1992 aged 34. He had heart problems related to his primordial dwarfism. He will be sorely missed and each of his films are hugely appreciated at least by me.

Weng Weng Weng Weng 2 ft. 9'/ He'll kick you in the nutsack from behind

Leslie Nielsen - the man, the myth, the movies (or: A Dangerous Assignment)

Drebin: A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Drebin: No... you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!

Last week had about the worst possible beginning as I heard my long-time hero Leslie Nielsen had passed away, aged 84. Goodyear? - No, the worst. But, at least that gives me an excuse to take a look back at some of his earlier films which I hadn't seen and of course remember some of the quotes and classic scenes from his classic films. You can read my appreciation for Forbidden Planet here.


The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
Directors: Ronald Neame and Irwin Allen


This one is notable also because its director Neame has also recently passed away. He was in the ripe old age of 99 when he died. The film is about a capsizing cruise liner, as you may well know. Nielsen plays the ship's captain, who has a habit of answering various Bat-phones with blinking red lights around the ship. As a stock character, he is the one official getting worried about a threat, and when he tells some higher officials about it, they in their greed ignore his warnings. Nielsen's deadpan delivery of ridiculous lines would serve him well later on in the ZAZ movie Airplane!

Otherwise, it's the typical 70's catastrophy movie, with a lot of people falling to their deaths for two hours. It also has an ensemble cast worth dying for delivering cheesy lines as hammy as possible. A proper sandwich for a movie, then. As usual, if there is one character one would wish to die painfully and as early as possible, it's the annoying kid. Too little Nielsen, too much of this snot-nosed brat.

The Captain (Nielsen): It... seems to be building up to those shallows. By the way, Happy New Year.

★★ 1/2

Project: Kill (1976)
Director: William Girdler


Amazing title for a movie. This is the sort of film especially the later Nielsen parodies used to spoof, but without any jokes whatsoever. It is played as straight as can be. The hard-as-a-rock sergeant Nielsen escapes from an army base which plans to assassinate assassins or some shit and thus brainwash soldiers to do their bidding. It may seem like a good laugh from the premise, but mostly it's just dull, dull, dull. Still, it did have this scene:



★★

Prom Night (1980)
Director: Paul Lynch

Nielsen was advertized as the lead actor in this cheap Halloween ripoff, yet he is a long way from Donald Pleasance - he only appears in two unimportant scenes! He plays the mourn-stricken father of a long-since dead child and is OK in his role, I guess. Otherwise the film isn't very good at all, even though the opening scene with taunting children is suitably creepy and horrific. The attempts to create a threatening athmosphere just make the long wait for the carnage an even longer one, and for gorehounds there isn't enough tits and blood. The ending saves a little, but not much.

★★

Airplane! (1980)
Directors: Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker, David Zucker

Dr. Rumack (Nielsen): Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

And thus, Leslie Nielsen reinvents himself. It's funny that some of his most hilarious lines were actually from the film Zero Hour! of which Airplane! was a comedic remake of. Lines, like:

Dr. Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.

The role of Rumack is one of the most serious in Nielsen's comedic career. There are no goofy faces, no embarrasing situations. Just saying the most stupid possible lines with as straight a face as possible. Nielsen is still just a part of an ensemble cast, but as there is in fact no difference in his acting here, and say, The Poseidon Adventure, he stands up well on his own. The fact that he gets some of the most famous lines and funniest skits doesn't hurt, either.



Dr. Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

Dr. Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Dr. Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

★★★★

Creepshow (1982)
Director: George A. Romero



A friend of mine always keeps reminding how shocked he was to find that the Nielsen-starring sequence of this film isn't at all funny - at least in the patented ZAZ -way. Nielsen plays a jealous husband set to have his vengeance on his wife and her lover Ted Danson. The smirking sleazebag buries them in sand and watches the videos of them drowning back home. Nielsen may be overplaying, but it's exactly the style which fits this over-the-top tribute to the EC comics of the old days. The fact that his character may make a fan of his comedies uneasy just tells how good he has done both his goofball roles as well as this role here.

★★★ 1/2

Police Squad!, The Naked Gun Trilogy (1982-1994)

As well as Chaplin had with The Tramp and Peter Sellers had with Inspector Clouseau, Nielsen found his signature role in Lt. Frank Drebin. And created one of the greatest comedy characters there has ever been. Like Clouseau before him, Drebin is completely insane and unaware of scale of the destruction he causes around him. Unlike Clouseau, however (and hilariously), the outside world doesn't treat him as the menace he is, save for commissioner Annabelle Bumford.

Bumford: Do you realize that because of you this city has been overrun by baboons?
Drebin: Well... isn't that the fault of the voters?
- The Naked Gun 2 1/2 - The Smell of Fear

It all started at the Police Squad TV-series which represented the ZAZ comedy at its peak. The serialized police series was as much done to death for being ripe for satirizing as the catastrophy genre before it. And the Zuckers sure had it. The series boasted on inspired running gags, great dialogue ("Sergeant, take her away and book her." "Sergeant Takeheraway, Sergeant Booker.") and the likes of Joe Dante and John Landis directing episodes. But the heart and soul of the series was Nielsen's wonderfully straight-faced cop Frank Drebin. If most of Drebin's hilariousness comes from Nielsen's poker face, the scene where he goes undercover as a stand up comedian is pretty funny itself. Unfortunatelly I couldn't find the clip on YouTube, but suffice to say Drebin adopts a sleazy entertainer-persona and tells the lamest jokes - yet makes everyone in the room howling with laughter. A goofy parodying of the fact undercover cops are always perfect when they have to act their part - or meta-level jokemaking on the fact of how we laugh at Nielsen the straight-faced actor in increasingly loony situations? Can't it be both? Police Squad also gave us things like these:



Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

Drebin: Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

Veronica: Say, that was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.
Drebin: Well, you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

Ratings-wise the show was somehow a complete bomb, which is a shame because the world was gifted a mere six episodes. Yet the world of Police Squad! with its bumbling policemen and moronic cop-show logic was so perfectly formed that it could be transferred straight to cinema screens.



I still don't think I've ever laughed as much as when I first saw The Naked Gun. I was a small kid who had never seen a comedy with raunchy humour. And here was an old uncle-like policeman who forgot to take off his microphone and farted in the bathroom. The instant love for Nielsen as well as the whole ZAZ humour was sealed by one scene, which I still think is the funniest in the whole motion picture history:



Ludwig: Drebin!
Jane: Frank!
Drebin: You're both right.

Drebin: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.

Drebin: The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?

The first Naked Gun is the most plot-heavy of the trilogy, taking about the most clichéd cop-movie plot there is and turning it to a gag-parade. It just wouldn't work without Nielsen's perfect delivery of stupid lines, aside from the moronic faces he occasionally makes. See the scene where he first meets the queen for details. The second one is nearly as good, but it also contains a bitter political analysis of the era of the first Bush in the White House.

Baggett: What's that smell?
Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?

Drebin: I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

...and of course there are plenty of poop-jokes and below-the-navel-gazing. The last one in the trilogy has its moments, which at best are still brilliant (the opening scene with the disgrunteled mailmen and the film parodies at the Oscar gala), but it depends a little too much in movie-parodying and celebrity cameos to be a coherent one. In fact, it is starting to resemble the parody films of the Naughties. Nielsen's delivery, however, is still pretty much perfect.



Police Squad: ★★★★★
The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! ★★★★★
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear ★★★★
The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult ★★★

Wrongfully Accused (1998)
Director: Pat Proft



The best of the parody films Nielsen made without Zuckers. Director-writer Pat Proft of course has been an asset to numerous films by the ZAZ team, so no worries there. This one targets mostly films like The Fugitive and The Usual Suspects - a fact of which I was not aware of when I first saw this as a preteen. Although the movie-parodies carry the plot, there are still plenty of good lines and silly slapstick to make it an enjoyable experience. I would've liked to say the same about Spy Hard, but after rewatching it recently and finding out that the Dynamic Duo of the Death of All Comedy are writers behind it (I'm not going to name any names. Look them up at IMDb if you must), some good will towards that movie is gone. Even if it has the I <3 style="font-style: italic;">Ryan Harrison (Nielsen): Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

Harrison: Don't move. I've got a gun. Not here, but I got one.

Harrison: Your lies are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches.

Wrongfully Accused: ★★★ 1/2
Spy Hard: ★★ 1/2

Scary Movie 3 & 4 (2003, 2006)
Director: David Zucker



I'm almost ashamed to say this, but I like the two latest Scary Movie sequels. It's largely thanks to David Zucker, taking over from the unfunny and talentless Wayans brothers. The films are not exactly subtle, and contain many bad, bad, groan-worthy jokes (Charlie Sheen's Viagra scene, anyone?), but hell, they have Nielsen playing the president of the United States and they make fun of the inexplinably popular Signs movie so I have no beef with them.

President Harris (Nielsen): These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

President Harris: You're excited? You should feel my nipples.

President Harris: I just don't get kids. Remind me to sign that abortion bill.

Scary Movie 3: ★★★
Scary Movie 4: ★★★

I didn't dare to touch on any of the films he made after the Scary Movies. Let's just give salute for Leslie Nielsen. He was a true one-of-a-kind legend. As Peter Graves and Lloyd Bridges are also now dead, at least. But seriously, I will Shirley miss Nielsen and will continue to rewatch Naked Guns whenever I'm feeling particularly blue. Let's guve the last words for Leslie himself. What has he to say over his career longer than 50 years?

Drebin: Oh, and by the way: I faked every orgasm!

OK, how about what message would he leave for us mere mortals over our mundane lives?

The Funny 00's

The Best Comedies of the 2000s - Part I of a series

Howdy ho, true believers!

I didn't let go of this blog this easily. Instead, it gives me the perfect platform to publish a list I originally made for Episodi magazine. It concerns the best comedies of the Naughties. All of these have been selected because thay made me laugh. Some may be better movies than others by having more content to them than just goofy belly-laughs. But to be looked at a comedy, the main point to me at least is the fact whether the movie is funny or not.

The list at Unreality (a site for which I have tons of respect) may not be the most agreeable, but at least it gave me a good point: There's no need to argue why anything is funny. You just find it so or you don't. That's why I'll only post one of my favorite quotes or an appropriate YouTube clip next to each entry. These are in alphabetical order. Enjoy!

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Director: Adam McKay

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina."

Bad Santa (2003)
Director: Terry Zwigoff

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other."

Be Kind Rewind (2008)
Director: Michel Gondry

"Anything you say can and will be held against you...in the court of Robocop."

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
Director: Larry Charles

"Why you call police? The retard escape?"

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
Director: Don Coscarelli

"Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... never, but never, fuck with the King. "

Burn After Reading (2008)
Directors: Joel & Ethan Coen

"Yeah, I tell ya. I saw an ad for this in a gentlemen's magazine. Twelve hundred bucks. I'm lookin' at this thing and I think, 'You gotta be kiddin' me.' I'm a hobbyist. Thing's basically nothing but speed rails. I figure I'd go down to Home Depot and whip this up myself for... a hundred bucks."

Clerks II (2006)
Director: Kevin Smith

"We were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batmen?"

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
Director: Rawson Marshall Thurber



The Hangover (2009)
Director: Todd Phillips

"It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one."

Hot Fuzz (2007)
Director: Edgar Wright


In the Loop (2009)
Director: Armando Iannucci



Jackass: The Movie (2002)
Director: Jeff Tremaine



The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Director: Wes anderson

"Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?"

Sideways (2005)
Director: Alexander Payne

"It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit. Fuckin' Raid."

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Director: David Silverman

"Okay, epiphany, epiphany... oh I know! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!- Ow! Uh, America will never embrace soccer. - Ow! More than two shakes and it's playing with yourself?"

Shrek (2001)
Director: Andrew Adamson, Vicky Jenson



South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (2000)
Director: Trey Parker



Superbad (2007)
Director: Greg Mottola

"You just cock-blocked McLovin!"

Team America: World Police (2004)
Director: Trey Parker

"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)
Director: Jake Kasdan